Well, that went poorly . . .
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 151
Well, that went poorly . . .
Got a call from AW today - seems she got served with the Child Protective Order (CPO). She starts with "I understand you need custody of DS" and I understand that you want restrictions on my time with DS; but I need to get into the house to get my clothes, I only have 4 outfits and I'm not going to make it 9 months with just for outfits. That was a ****** thing to do!!
Ya see, the order excludes and forbids her from entering our joint home (BTW, this is just the temporary order until a hearing on permanent order can be entered next week, hopefully).
Before I could say that I'm more than willing to meet her to arrange a convenient time/place/way for her to get her clothes ..... she hung up on me.
So, I followed up with an email saying - I'm taking these following days off - let me know if any of them work for you to get your clothes, etc. and I can arrange to be there when you do (or have someone I trust to be there).
I know I'm not being the "bad guy" here -- but I know that this will get spun into I'm the bad guy.
MCESaint
Ya see, the order excludes and forbids her from entering our joint home (BTW, this is just the temporary order until a hearing on permanent order can be entered next week, hopefully).
Before I could say that I'm more than willing to meet her to arrange a convenient time/place/way for her to get her clothes ..... she hung up on me.
So, I followed up with an email saying - I'm taking these following days off - let me know if any of them work for you to get your clothes, etc. and I can arrange to be there when you do (or have someone I trust to be there).
I know I'm not being the "bad guy" here -- but I know that this will get spun into I'm the bad guy.
MCESaint
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
MCESaint…...It is good that you have enough autonomy to realize that you will be made out to be the "bad guy". I think that so many people tear themselves up, inside, because they have such a desire not to be seen, that way....especially, the fear for how their reputation will take a hit with family, friends, neighbors, etc. But, I do think that this tends to be human nature. Most people DO care what the important people, to us, do think.....
I just don't think that there is anything we can do about that tendency.....
Except...if we can expect that the other person has their own set of human feelings....which they own and belong to them...and, we have no control over another persons inner psyche....how they feel is their reality....no matter how unfair or bizarre it might seem to us.
We just have to accept that reality and prepare ourselves for the lumps and bumps that are probably going to come our way.....
Looking back...when I divorced my children's father (he didn't want the divorce)….he tried, in every way, to make me a bad guy....spreading all kinds of smear tactics, to anyone who would listen. LOl...I won't say that it was pleasant...but, I completely expected this sort of thing from him...and, I knew that those things weren't true, and that those people who really knew me, would stand by me....
I understood that he felt rejected and angry and vengeful....and, that he would never understand why I couldn't stay with him and his narcissistic ways...and abandon my chance for happiness, for the rest of my life!
My mental health and my children's future welfare were just TOO important to me...that I was willing to face the lumps and bumps…..
I just don't think that there is anything we can do about that tendency.....
Except...if we can expect that the other person has their own set of human feelings....which they own and belong to them...and, we have no control over another persons inner psyche....how they feel is their reality....no matter how unfair or bizarre it might seem to us.
We just have to accept that reality and prepare ourselves for the lumps and bumps that are probably going to come our way.....
Looking back...when I divorced my children's father (he didn't want the divorce)….he tried, in every way, to make me a bad guy....spreading all kinds of smear tactics, to anyone who would listen. LOl...I won't say that it was pleasant...but, I completely expected this sort of thing from him...and, I knew that those things weren't true, and that those people who really knew me, would stand by me....
I understood that he felt rejected and angry and vengeful....and, that he would never understand why I couldn't stay with him and his narcissistic ways...and abandon my chance for happiness, for the rest of my life!
My mental health and my children's future welfare were just TOO important to me...that I was willing to face the lumps and bumps…..
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You will have to completely ignore what she says. I agree with Dandy, when you EXPECT them to try and smear you, it's a lot easier. I found out pretty quickly who my true friends were. And, blood will ALWAYS be thicker than water. Which means her family will 100% side with her and also make you out to be the bad guy.
As Hawkeye said, she is the one who drove drunk w/your child in the car. Enough said.
I am really proud of you. You are going through a hard time, but protecting your child, which is the most important thing you can do.
As Hawkeye said, she is the one who drove drunk w/your child in the car. Enough said.
I am really proud of you. You are going through a hard time, but protecting your child, which is the most important thing you can do.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 151
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
You will have to completely ignore what she says. I agree with Dandy, when you EXPECT them to try and smear you, it's a lot easier. I found out pretty quickly who my true friends were. And, blood will ALWAYS be thicker than water. Which means her family will 100% side with her and also make you out to be the bad guy.
As Hawkeye said, she is the one who drove drunk w/your child in the car. Enough said.
I am really proud of you. You are going through a hard time, but protecting your child, which is the most important thing you can do.
As Hawkeye said, she is the one who drove drunk w/your child in the car. Enough said.
I am really proud of you. You are going through a hard time, but protecting your child, which is the most important thing you can do.
The thing is: if I were on a "full, all out war" nuclear war footing with AW, I'd have filed for divorce and sought a Motion Pendente Lite (i.e., an order in effect while the divorce proceeds through the court), asked for child support, etc.
And while *I* know those things (its my profession) - that is, I know I could have done a lot more and made it worse for her; she likely does not know that.
The step I took - a Child Protective Order - while not pleasant, it was still the smallest legal move I could take to attain my objective (protect our child).
Oh well.
MCESaint
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
MCESaint…..you are preaching to the choir, here.....we get it that you are doing it in the kindest way possible. and still do the right thing....
While the explanation is helpful and appreciated.....we believe you...
Yes, it does seem like families always stick by their own....But, I do have to say that I have seen situations where this was not true...I have seen instances where the family stood by the one that was in the right...even when it wasn't their own child....
This is pretty rare, though....
While the explanation is helpful and appreciated.....we believe you...
Yes, it does seem like families always stick by their own....But, I do have to say that I have seen situations where this was not true...I have seen instances where the family stood by the one that was in the right...even when it wasn't their own child....
This is pretty rare, though....
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
It has been my experience that active alcoholics do not like consequences and interpret them as "the world is against me". Just more reason to drink. "Woe is me."
I am sorry you are having to experience the backlash. I'm sorry we have *all* had to experience it. It is quite common. Our addicted loved ones are not going to thank us when we stop protecting them from the consequences of their drinking.
I am sorry you are having to experience the backlash. I'm sorry we have *all* had to experience it. It is quite common. Our addicted loved ones are not going to thank us when we stop protecting them from the consequences of their drinking.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Originally Posted by MCESaint
The step I took - a Child Protective Order - while not pleasant, it was still the smallest legal move I could take to attain my objective (protect our child).
I actually appreciate that you are doing the least harmful (to her) thing(s) you can do while still fully protecting your child. Being vindictive or seeking retribution is a waste of time, so at least that's a good thing!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I completely understand and am behind you 100%
Originally Posted by MCESaint
Yeah, I know. I was married once before - so I know blood is ALWAYS thicker than water.
The thing is: if I were on a "full, all out war" nuclear war footing with AW, I'd have filed for divorce and sought a Motion Pendente Lite (i.e., an order in effect while the divorce proceeds through the court), asked for child support, etc.
And while *I* know those things (its my profession) - that is, I know I could have done a lot more and made it worse for her; she likely does not know that.
The step I took - a Child Protective Order - while not pleasant, it was still the smallest legal move I could take to attain my objective (protect our child).
Oh well.
MCESaint
The thing is: if I were on a "full, all out war" nuclear war footing with AW, I'd have filed for divorce and sought a Motion Pendente Lite (i.e., an order in effect while the divorce proceeds through the court), asked for child support, etc.
And while *I* know those things (its my profession) - that is, I know I could have done a lot more and made it worse for her; she likely does not know that.
The step I took - a Child Protective Order - while not pleasant, it was still the smallest legal move I could take to attain my objective (protect our child).
Oh well.
MCESaint
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 151
UPDATE: DS returned from out-of-state today. No issues there (in the hand off). Visited his new preschool (had to drop off paperwork) - clearly, he was "afraid" that he was going to be left there today; but I'm going work with him the next few days about how we're going to have a "schedule" and routine where we get up, get dressed, go to his school, I go to work, and *I* pick him up, we go home and make dinner.
Court date for permanent order next week (Tues; Monday is a holiday) -- no phone calls or emails from AW concerning DS or her clothes or whatever.
MCESaint
Court date for permanent order next week (Tues; Monday is a holiday) -- no phone calls or emails from AW concerning DS or her clothes or whatever.
MCESaint
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Good work MCESaint.
Routine is so important for children Not rigid, but smooth and predicatble daily routines. And a warm safe home environment which you can provide now that the A is not there. Good luck!
Peace,
B
Routine is so important for children Not rigid, but smooth and predicatble daily routines. And a warm safe home environment which you can provide now that the A is not there. Good luck!
Peace,
B
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Location: Central O-H-I-O
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The poor kid has been moved around a lot lately and I'm sure he is concerned about being abandoned. My DS was the same way at times, and he was in the same daycare starting at 7 months! I'm glad he's back with you.
WHat I highlighted below in your post speaks volumes about your AW. She is concerned about herself. Period.
WHat I highlighted below in your post speaks volumes about your AW. She is concerned about herself. Period.
Originally Posted by MCESaint
UPDATE: DS returned from out-of-state today. No issues there (in the hand off). Visited his new preschool (had to drop off paperwork) - clearly, he was "afraid" that he was going to be left there today; but I'm going work with him the next few days about how we're going to have a "schedule" and routine where we get up, get dressed, go to his school, I go to work, and *I* pick him up, we go home and make dinner.
Court date for permanent order next week (Tues; Monday is a holiday) -- no phone calls or emails from AW concerning DS or her clothes or whatever.
MCESaint
Court date for permanent order next week (Tues; Monday is a holiday) -- no phone calls or emails from AW concerning DS or her clothes or whatever.
MCESaint
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by MCESaint
UPDATE: DS returned from out-of-state today. No issues there (in the hand off). Visited his new preschool (had to drop off paperwork) - clearly, he was "afraid" that he was going to be left there today; but I'm going work with him the next few days about how we're going to have a "schedule" and routine where we get up, get dressed, go to his school, I go to work, and *I* pick him up, we go home and make dinner.
Court date for permanent order next week (Tues; Monday is a holiday) -- no phone calls or emails from AW concerning DS or her clothes or whatever.
MCESaint
Court date for permanent order next week (Tues; Monday is a holiday) -- no phone calls or emails from AW concerning DS or her clothes or whatever.
MCESaint
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Southern US
Posts: 510
MCESaint, I am so glad to hear this!!!!!
I know that Dr. Phil has turned into a character, but I watched him since Oprah. He has a few tidbits worth remembering. One of them is that "children like to be able to predict with 100% accuracy the consequences of their actions". It was usually used in the context of behavioral issues, but honestly, it applies to all aspects of being a child. They want stability. They want rules. They want boundaries.
My dad was the stable person when my world fell apart when I was a kid. From your posts, I can tell that you have the ability to do this for your son and ya'll can thrive and rise above these less-than-favorable circumstances that you're in right now.
Your lawyer card is a blessing. It's also very telling that you're not wielding your power around just because you can. My prayer is that your wife gets her **** together. In the meantime, you're doing everything right. Kudos to you.
I know that Dr. Phil has turned into a character, but I watched him since Oprah. He has a few tidbits worth remembering. One of them is that "children like to be able to predict with 100% accuracy the consequences of their actions". It was usually used in the context of behavioral issues, but honestly, it applies to all aspects of being a child. They want stability. They want rules. They want boundaries.
My dad was the stable person when my world fell apart when I was a kid. From your posts, I can tell that you have the ability to do this for your son and ya'll can thrive and rise above these less-than-favorable circumstances that you're in right now.
Your lawyer card is a blessing. It's also very telling that you're not wielding your power around just because you can. My prayer is that your wife gets her **** together. In the meantime, you're doing everything right. Kudos to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 151
Originally Posted by Mango212
How are things going? Kudos for stepping up in any way needed to protect your child. 
As for the update -- we had a court date scheduled for yesterday. It appears that she hired her own lawyer and he requested a continuance.
MY lawyer and I (yes, I hired my own lawyer for the CPO) objected to the continuance (I usually don't do that, but since this was an ex parte order, I instructed my lawyer to object). The Court granted the continuance anyway (which I knew that it would), but made it clear that the temporary order remains in effect.
Next court date is 11/30.
So, to recap: AW and her lawyer have to live with the fact that I have complete control over DS until at least 11/30. Which, I find (for them) to be an odd litigation strategy.
My guess is that the court will appoint a GAL (guardian ad litem) -- but since AW is supposedly going to a "sober living" facility and doesn't have a license to drive, I'm not sure exactly where she thinks this is going.
Meanwhile, I hope to take some time off between old job (ending this Friday) and starting new job in beginning of December.
MCE Saint.
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