1 year sober
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 415
1 year sober
well my AH is one year sober as of Monday.... and I still want a divorce. And I feel guilty about that. He doesn’t want a divorce, he wants to go back to marriage counseling. He wants to work it out. The couple of times that I did start to try again he let me down in one way or another-he couldn’t do anything right. I am done, I don’t hate him, on the contrary I am VERY happy for him. He is doing great, new job that he is excelling at, he is sober.
Every time I think about being on my own in my own space I get happy thoughts.
I get sad when I think about how it will impact my step children as well as my whole family in one way or another; but I am so tired of living my life the way I think everyone expects me to. I want to figure out who I am and what I truly want out of MY life.
So I am very sad that my 19 year marriage is ending but thinking about the future. And I am sad though. Sad for him cuz he doesn’t want this and sad for me that my marriage was a sham and I didn’t wake up and SEE until now.
Every time I think about being on my own in my own space I get happy thoughts.
I get sad when I think about how it will impact my step children as well as my whole family in one way or another; but I am so tired of living my life the way I think everyone expects me to. I want to figure out who I am and what I truly want out of MY life.
So I am very sad that my 19 year marriage is ending but thinking about the future. And I am sad though. Sad for him cuz he doesn’t want this and sad for me that my marriage was a sham and I didn’t wake up and SEE until now.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
ScaryTime…..you are entitled to be happy.....Do you not believe that...down deep?
Would you feel less "guilty" if he were NOT an alcoholic?
Do you feel more "guilty" that he has been sober for one year and you feel that you owe him, in some way, because of this?
People get divorced all the time, because they are not happy in the marriage...and, that is considered a valid reason by the law and by the society, at large.
the way I see it...you have wanted this for some time, and it is not just some impulsive thing....you seem clear on what you want....
If you reason for staying is because HE does not want it...but, you do...then, I think that says that you consider h is happiness more important than yours....
As for the other family members that you are worried about...remember that they get to live THEIR lives according to the say that they want...they are entitled to that...but YOU have saddled yourself to live for the way someone else wants you to. I see that as denying a part of yourself....
(could that be Miss Co-dependency showing up in her Sunday dress?)…
I can remember deciding to divorce my children's father...when it dawned on me that I would never...ever...get to be myself and be happy in a relationship as long as I was tied to h im…..I had 3 small children at the time. My biggest fear became that I would never be completely happy, as I deserved and that they would have to live with an unhappy mother...and live with him, the rest of their lives. I remember that moment! I went to see a lawyer, the next morning. To this day, I have never regretted that decision. Believe th children had a good and fun life, after t hat divorce...so much fun....
And, he was not an alcoholic! He was narcissistic and rigid and controlling...and, didn't consider my happiness as important...
Than god I didn't tie myself to him for the rest of my life...
I could never have done that if I hadn't considered my own happiness as important as anyone else's.....
Would you feel less "guilty" if he were NOT an alcoholic?
Do you feel more "guilty" that he has been sober for one year and you feel that you owe him, in some way, because of this?
People get divorced all the time, because they are not happy in the marriage...and, that is considered a valid reason by the law and by the society, at large.
the way I see it...you have wanted this for some time, and it is not just some impulsive thing....you seem clear on what you want....
If you reason for staying is because HE does not want it...but, you do...then, I think that says that you consider h is happiness more important than yours....
As for the other family members that you are worried about...remember that they get to live THEIR lives according to the say that they want...they are entitled to that...but YOU have saddled yourself to live for the way someone else wants you to. I see that as denying a part of yourself....
(could that be Miss Co-dependency showing up in her Sunday dress?)…
I can remember deciding to divorce my children's father...when it dawned on me that I would never...ever...get to be myself and be happy in a relationship as long as I was tied to h im…..I had 3 small children at the time. My biggest fear became that I would never be completely happy, as I deserved and that they would have to live with an unhappy mother...and live with him, the rest of their lives. I remember that moment! I went to see a lawyer, the next morning. To this day, I have never regretted that decision. Believe th children had a good and fun life, after t hat divorce...so much fun....
And, he was not an alcoholic! He was narcissistic and rigid and controlling...and, didn't consider my happiness as important...
Than god I didn't tie myself to him for the rest of my life...
I could never have done that if I hadn't considered my own happiness as important as anyone else's.....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,639
I have to agree, your happiness is important too.
I also understand the guilt. First off there is the whole marriage vows thing and then there is the history and etc etc.
None of that is to be taken lightly, of course, but I don't see that in what you are saying at all.
The first time I got married I was really young but hopped on in to it! I stayed married for a long time. Eventually, as I became wiser, I realized that I didn't have to stay in, what was, such a volatile situation. I was tired of arguing, I was done.
I can see you are done too and that's ok! I don't think this is one of those decisions you can make for anyone but yourself, for your own happiness and well-being, if you know what I mean.
If you want to leave a marriage and the other person doesn't want to leave the marriage well that's not great, not ideal, not without some guilt feelings but you can't sacrifice yourself for another (and I mean sacrifice in a non-dramatic way).
Ugh, it's tough, even when it's what you want, I know, bit scary too.
I also understand the guilt. First off there is the whole marriage vows thing and then there is the history and etc etc.
None of that is to be taken lightly, of course, but I don't see that in what you are saying at all.
The first time I got married I was really young but hopped on in to it! I stayed married for a long time. Eventually, as I became wiser, I realized that I didn't have to stay in, what was, such a volatile situation. I was tired of arguing, I was done.
I can see you are done too and that's ok! I don't think this is one of those decisions you can make for anyone but yourself, for your own happiness and well-being, if you know what I mean.
If you want to leave a marriage and the other person doesn't want to leave the marriage well that's not great, not ideal, not without some guilt feelings but you can't sacrifice yourself for another (and I mean sacrifice in a non-dramatic way).
Ugh, it's tough, even when it's what you want, I know, bit scary too.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
ScaryTime…..well, I can tell you...Little Miss Co-dependency is very pretty...but, she is really a little ****. She will steal your self right from you, the minute you turn your back.... Don't talk to her and don't listen to her....
The following questions may be rhetorical.....but---have you gone to alanon or any supportive women's group? Have you read "Co-dependency No More"...(there is a good workbook that goes with it, also)….
Would you feel as "guilty" if he wasn't an alcoholic?...honestly?
***My favorite definition of co-dependency is this one----"It is not so much a matter of relationship of others, but, rather, a lack of relationship with the self...."
The following questions may be rhetorical.....but---have you gone to alanon or any supportive women's group? Have you read "Co-dependency No More"...(there is a good workbook that goes with it, also)….
Would you feel as "guilty" if he wasn't an alcoholic?...honestly?
***My favorite definition of co-dependency is this one----"It is not so much a matter of relationship of others, but, rather, a lack of relationship with the self...."
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Scary, why not take up his offer of couples therapy? It can help you separate as well as stay together. Telling him you want to leave under controlled conditions could be the best outcome, not to mention it will help you express your needs.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
