Struggling with My Codependent Mother
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
I just remembered something else that happened on my trip that I wanted to share.
Several of us have mentioned that our Codie parents did/do not LISTEN to us.
A small bit of background and then I will relate what happened. I have to tell you.. it had me seething. I had to walk away for a bit.
My current husband and I were friends for about a dozen years before we became a couple. With time we evolved into a long distance romance after we both split from our respective alcoholic spouses. We married almost two years ago so that I could move to the U.S. permanently and continue along this really great path we are on. I have spoken to my mother extensively the past three or four years about my husband's family. His two young adult children, his three siblings, his mother and step father as well his father and step mother. I've mentioned several other family members as well. I don't expect my mother to keep a running tally of ALL my new family members, especially since she lives so far away and, aside from my husband, has never yet met any of these people. I would however like her to pay attention when I do tell her about them.
I have noticed that when I speak of DH's family her eyes kind of glaze over and she sort of looks past my shoulder. I don't think she wants to think about me enjoying time with these people doing things she would never do. (She had invested herself into making relationships with my XILs and I think she doesn't want to be bothered doing that again)
So..... I got a rare chance to talk, and I was telling her something semi-important about my MIL and SFIL. Their work is unique and takes them to all over the world, I was telling her about this and some of their crazy adventures. I was referring to them by their given names, as I always do. She was actually kind of paying attention because she asked a few relevant questions. It made me happy because I thought we were actually making a little progress.
Mere moments later, I changed the direction of the conversation and said, " _________ has also written some books about "such-and-such".
She said, " And _______ is who now? "
I have to accept she isn't ever going to listen to me when I am saying things she doesn't care about. It's a bitter pill.
Several of us have mentioned that our Codie parents did/do not LISTEN to us.
A small bit of background and then I will relate what happened. I have to tell you.. it had me seething. I had to walk away for a bit.
My current husband and I were friends for about a dozen years before we became a couple. With time we evolved into a long distance romance after we both split from our respective alcoholic spouses. We married almost two years ago so that I could move to the U.S. permanently and continue along this really great path we are on. I have spoken to my mother extensively the past three or four years about my husband's family. His two young adult children, his three siblings, his mother and step father as well his father and step mother. I've mentioned several other family members as well. I don't expect my mother to keep a running tally of ALL my new family members, especially since she lives so far away and, aside from my husband, has never yet met any of these people. I would however like her to pay attention when I do tell her about them.
I have noticed that when I speak of DH's family her eyes kind of glaze over and she sort of looks past my shoulder. I don't think she wants to think about me enjoying time with these people doing things she would never do. (She had invested herself into making relationships with my XILs and I think she doesn't want to be bothered doing that again)
So..... I got a rare chance to talk, and I was telling her something semi-important about my MIL and SFIL. Their work is unique and takes them to all over the world, I was telling her about this and some of their crazy adventures. I was referring to them by their given names, as I always do. She was actually kind of paying attention because she asked a few relevant questions. It made me happy because I thought we were actually making a little progress.
Mere moments later, I changed the direction of the conversation and said, " _________ has also written some books about "such-and-such".
She said, " And _______ is who now? "
I have to accept she isn't ever going to listen to me when I am saying things she doesn't care about. It's a bitter pill.
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,271
Maybe your mother has too much on her own mind to focus on what you are saying, and she can't keep track of it all. Or maybe your mother is just narcissistic and if the conversation isn't about herself or stuff she personally cares about, she tunes out.
I'm lucky if my mother remembers my name. No one understands this, because most people just forget their kids' names, call them by the other siblings' names, and it's funny. But with my mother, she seriously 99% of the time calls me by my other sibling's name. It's actually ridiculous. I once shouted at the top of my lungs what my name was, and she said I was being too sensitive, every mother makes that mistake. Nope. Not to the psychotic level that she does.
My mother never cared to know what classes I took at school, what I did for a living, or what I did in my free time. If she did happen to know, all i got out of her was if she approved of it or not. Yet she'd talk my ear off about my other sister's job or her husband's job. She doesn't give any care to what I do with my life, hobbies, friends, lifestyle, likes/dislikes, nothing. She knows nothing about me and cares nothing for me, because I am not a mini version of herself.
I hope this doesn't give away my anonymity, but here's something I just remembered the other day. The morning of my wedding, I was in the bridal room with my mother and my two sisters. My mother was babbling 90mph about a cruise she was going on next month, and about a ring my father just bought her. I was having trouble focusing on what I was doing because of her babbling. When I put on my gown, I was so distracted by my mother's babbling, that I forgot to first put on my slip. My mother could care less that I was trying to get ready. Fortunately my sisters took over and compassionately and lovingly helped me out of my dress and into my slip, and back into my dress. I can count on one hand the number of times my siblings have shown any genuine compassion toward me. This was one of them. But for my mother to act that way the morning of her child's wedding is inexcusable. I wish I eloped.
My mother only occasionally remembers my pet's names, and kept calling my female dog "him" when she was here visiting. When she does ask how my dog is by name, it's done a second before she ends her conversation. So she's sucked the energy and oxygen out of me by talking my ear off and not letting me get a single word in edgewise, she's satisfied, then she does the obligatory, "How's _______?" doesn't really listen to the answer, and that's that. She can know think to herself that she's a good mother because she remembered to ask how my pet was.
My mother still after 2 decades doesn't call my husband by the name he likes to be called. She just doesn't care. I have never once used the name that she uses when I speak of him. She's gotten his name right maybe 3 or 4 times in all these years.
If a family member or a friend asked her anything about me or my husband, I honestly think my mother would have to make sh*t up because she never has taken the time to pay any attention to me or care anything about my life. If I did tell her the smallest thing, and if it wasn't something she does or did, she just couldn't make sense of it and acted like I was talking to her in a foreign language. It's very disturbing actually. Like how could I dishonor her parenting by doing something she didn't teach me? It could be something small, like wearing my hair long when she always had us wear our hair short.
I hope sharing my own personal examples has helped you in some way.
Detachment from how other people act no matter who they are is a life saver. Accept that she is this way and that it's not personal. Know that she likely won't change, and stop caring and wishing that she would change. Then go on and live your life.
I'm lucky if my mother remembers my name. No one understands this, because most people just forget their kids' names, call them by the other siblings' names, and it's funny. But with my mother, she seriously 99% of the time calls me by my other sibling's name. It's actually ridiculous. I once shouted at the top of my lungs what my name was, and she said I was being too sensitive, every mother makes that mistake. Nope. Not to the psychotic level that she does.
My mother never cared to know what classes I took at school, what I did for a living, or what I did in my free time. If she did happen to know, all i got out of her was if she approved of it or not. Yet she'd talk my ear off about my other sister's job or her husband's job. She doesn't give any care to what I do with my life, hobbies, friends, lifestyle, likes/dislikes, nothing. She knows nothing about me and cares nothing for me, because I am not a mini version of herself.
I hope this doesn't give away my anonymity, but here's something I just remembered the other day. The morning of my wedding, I was in the bridal room with my mother and my two sisters. My mother was babbling 90mph about a cruise she was going on next month, and about a ring my father just bought her. I was having trouble focusing on what I was doing because of her babbling. When I put on my gown, I was so distracted by my mother's babbling, that I forgot to first put on my slip. My mother could care less that I was trying to get ready. Fortunately my sisters took over and compassionately and lovingly helped me out of my dress and into my slip, and back into my dress. I can count on one hand the number of times my siblings have shown any genuine compassion toward me. This was one of them. But for my mother to act that way the morning of her child's wedding is inexcusable. I wish I eloped.
My mother only occasionally remembers my pet's names, and kept calling my female dog "him" when she was here visiting. When she does ask how my dog is by name, it's done a second before she ends her conversation. So she's sucked the energy and oxygen out of me by talking my ear off and not letting me get a single word in edgewise, she's satisfied, then she does the obligatory, "How's _______?" doesn't really listen to the answer, and that's that. She can know think to herself that she's a good mother because she remembered to ask how my pet was.
My mother still after 2 decades doesn't call my husband by the name he likes to be called. She just doesn't care. I have never once used the name that she uses when I speak of him. She's gotten his name right maybe 3 or 4 times in all these years.
If a family member or a friend asked her anything about me or my husband, I honestly think my mother would have to make sh*t up because she never has taken the time to pay any attention to me or care anything about my life. If I did tell her the smallest thing, and if it wasn't something she does or did, she just couldn't make sense of it and acted like I was talking to her in a foreign language. It's very disturbing actually. Like how could I dishonor her parenting by doing something she didn't teach me? It could be something small, like wearing my hair long when she always had us wear our hair short.
I hope sharing my own personal examples has helped you in some way.
Detachment from how other people act no matter who they are is a life saver. Accept that she is this way and that it's not personal. Know that she likely won't change, and stop caring and wishing that she would change. Then go on and live your life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Thank you for sharing Pathwaytofree. It does help to hear other people's stories.
At this point, I am mostly just venting.
I have learned, that my mother is pathologically codependent. She will never change. She was raised that way, she was married that way, she parented that way and continues to do so to my middle aged brother. ALL her relationships are handled in a codependent fashion.
Her not paying attention to me when I talk about my new life (in this instance) is many things rolled up into one. It's her resistance to me doing something she doesn't approve of. It's passive aggressive, it's checked out, it's punishment. It's her protecting herself from again caring about people in my life to have it potentially all fall apart again. I moved 3K miles away and remarried, started a whole new life far away from her and that is not ok with her. She has no control over anything to do with me anymore and any tiny thing she can do to try and manipulate me in to doing things her way she tries. My mother lives in great fear, anxiety and hope... all in the name of "love". I've never doubted her love... it's just that she strangles people with it...
I know a lot of people don't care for the word codependent, but I don't know what else to call it. I realize many people who are not codependent display a lot of the same characteristics as my mum, but when she demonstrates minute by minute every "symptom" of a codependency what else should I call it ?!
I don't think anyone who saw her interact with my brother, or my now deceased dad, could deny the depths of my mother's codependency. I am glad that I am just on the fringes of it and not entirely enmeshed by it.
I do appreciate having this place to blow off some steam. Thank you.
At this point, I am mostly just venting.
I have learned, that my mother is pathologically codependent. She will never change. She was raised that way, she was married that way, she parented that way and continues to do so to my middle aged brother. ALL her relationships are handled in a codependent fashion.
Her not paying attention to me when I talk about my new life (in this instance) is many things rolled up into one. It's her resistance to me doing something she doesn't approve of. It's passive aggressive, it's checked out, it's punishment. It's her protecting herself from again caring about people in my life to have it potentially all fall apart again. I moved 3K miles away and remarried, started a whole new life far away from her and that is not ok with her. She has no control over anything to do with me anymore and any tiny thing she can do to try and manipulate me in to doing things her way she tries. My mother lives in great fear, anxiety and hope... all in the name of "love". I've never doubted her love... it's just that she strangles people with it...
I know a lot of people don't care for the word codependent, but I don't know what else to call it. I realize many people who are not codependent display a lot of the same characteristics as my mum, but when she demonstrates minute by minute every "symptom" of a codependency what else should I call it ?!
I don't think anyone who saw her interact with my brother, or my now deceased dad, could deny the depths of my mother's codependency. I am glad that I am just on the fringes of it and not entirely enmeshed by it.
I do appreciate having this place to blow off some steam. Thank you.
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,271
Originally Posted by SmallButMighty 
Thank you for sharing Pathwaytofree. It does help to hear other people's stories.
At this point, I am mostly just venting.
I have learned, that my mother is pathologically codependent. She will never change.
I know a lot of people don't care for the word codependent, but I don't know what else to call it.
I don't think anyone who saw her interact with my brother, or my now deceased dad, could deny the depths of my mother's codependency.
I am glad that I am just on the fringes of it and not entirely enmeshed by it.
I do appreciate having this place to blow off some steam. Thank you.
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,271
Anyone reading this thread.... this is the classic book on codependency:
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie
I also recommend The Language of Letting Go: Daily Meditations for Codependents, by Melody Beattie and Journey to the Heart by Melody Beattie.
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie
I also recommend The Language of Letting Go: Daily Meditations for Codependents, by Melody Beattie and Journey to the Heart by Melody Beattie.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2019
Location: Flyover Country
Posts: 45
I know this is an old thread, but I wanted to thank SmallButMighty and all of the other contributors for it. I revisit this thread periodically - it really helps me when I start thinking that I'm crazy or being unreasonable.
My baby is four months old now, and other than sending a birth announcement, I've stayed NC with my parents. I think it has been a really good decision, and the longer it stays that way, the more comfortable I am with it. My father's and brother's alcoholism (and denial) has been very painful to witness, but dealing with my controlling and codependent mother has been far worse. I was having trouble reconciling that, and this thread has helped me...it helps to know that others have had a similar experience.
As one commenter in this thread mentioned, my mother recognized at some point that I didn't "need" her, and moreover, that she couldn't control me, and that was the point at which she just stopped caring about me. I know this consciously, but it's really hard to accept, that your own mother doesn't love you. For so many years, I tried all kinds of approaches to making things "right" with her, so that we could have a good relationship, but nothing ever worked, and the rejection really hurt. I now realize that the only way I could have had her love and acceptance and approval was if I had succumbed to her attempts to control my life...essentially, to have the same life that she does. No thanks, not worth it.
But she has my father and brother that she can enable and pretend to control...even though she's definitely not in control, they're not in control...it's the alcohol that's in control. But she's satisfied with the situation, and I need to accept that it's her life and I need to stop being angry about it.
The other night, my husband brought up the idea of reaching out to my parents. He thinks baby should be able to meet and spend time with his grandparents. My immediate reaction was "nope", but it did get me thinking. Maybe we could try for limited contact. I don't want to get sucked back into the quicksand, but I feel like maybe now I have the knowledge and strength to set and maintain boundaries, to protect myself and my husband and baby from their insanity. Honestly, I could do without ever seeing them again. But it might be good for baby to have some extended family. It's not like they're violent or dangerous people (other than to themselves), and we live far enough from them that visits would likely be rare. It sounds like other people manage limited contact with their troubled families, so I suppose we could try. I don't know.
My baby is four months old now, and other than sending a birth announcement, I've stayed NC with my parents. I think it has been a really good decision, and the longer it stays that way, the more comfortable I am with it. My father's and brother's alcoholism (and denial) has been very painful to witness, but dealing with my controlling and codependent mother has been far worse. I was having trouble reconciling that, and this thread has helped me...it helps to know that others have had a similar experience.
As one commenter in this thread mentioned, my mother recognized at some point that I didn't "need" her, and moreover, that she couldn't control me, and that was the point at which she just stopped caring about me. I know this consciously, but it's really hard to accept, that your own mother doesn't love you. For so many years, I tried all kinds of approaches to making things "right" with her, so that we could have a good relationship, but nothing ever worked, and the rejection really hurt. I now realize that the only way I could have had her love and acceptance and approval was if I had succumbed to her attempts to control my life...essentially, to have the same life that she does. No thanks, not worth it.
But she has my father and brother that she can enable and pretend to control...even though she's definitely not in control, they're not in control...it's the alcohol that's in control. But she's satisfied with the situation, and I need to accept that it's her life and I need to stop being angry about it.
The other night, my husband brought up the idea of reaching out to my parents. He thinks baby should be able to meet and spend time with his grandparents. My immediate reaction was "nope", but it did get me thinking. Maybe we could try for limited contact. I don't want to get sucked back into the quicksand, but I feel like maybe now I have the knowledge and strength to set and maintain boundaries, to protect myself and my husband and baby from their insanity. Honestly, I could do without ever seeing them again. But it might be good for baby to have some extended family. It's not like they're violent or dangerous people (other than to themselves), and we live far enough from them that visits would likely be rare. It sounds like other people manage limited contact with their troubled families, so I suppose we could try. I don't know.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Extended family is great in theory, but only you can decide whether it is worth it in the specific. As long as no one is expecting them to be anything than exactly what they are, then I think limited contact is possible. But if anyone, including your husband, is expecting them to magically become loving, healthy people to be around, then you need to consider the decision carefully.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Well the god thing ElizabethReed is you have strengthened this muscle. You have proven and even positively reinforced the benefit of going NC with them. So if things feel at all threatening to your peace of mind out of proportion to the benefit you feel the baby gets by connecting with this part of the fam then you can revert to NC and feel protected from the toxic and crazy.
It's can really feel so hard and frustrating. When I feel overwhelmed I remember to just take a time out. There's no emergency, nothing needs to happen RIGHT NOW! I am free in each moment to pause, choose, change my mind, sit still or go.....
Peace,
B.
It's can really feel so hard and frustrating. When I feel overwhelmed I remember to just take a time out. There's no emergency, nothing needs to happen RIGHT NOW! I am free in each moment to pause, choose, change my mind, sit still or go.....
Peace,
B.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
