Lockdown brings interesting problems
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
Lockdown brings interesting problems
I have stayed away trying to focus on healing my poor broken spirit. This week, I was forced to allow my AH back into our home because I could not get a court date to keep him out and had no proof of "harm".
I know I am not the only one who is being forced to be holed up with their abusers. He used the kids to get back here. He said I was keeping them from them during a time that was critical for him to be able to have access.
So far, he has stayed dry. He is also staying out of my way (for now). I dug a hole in the yard for "therapy". He asked what I was doing and I just laughed.....
I am praying hard for those of you living with an active alcoholic. For now, at least, that is not a struggle here (yet). For now, I am just afraid of what happens next. I have a go bag in the spot where my spare tire goes (god forbid I get a flat) and I put shoes and medications under the seats of my car.I made arrangements for my animals which has been a huge thing keeping me "stuck" recently. I am sleeping with my keys and phone in my pillowcase. I stopped short of sleeping in my sneakers but dammit.....don't think I didn't think of that.
The kids are ok with him being here so far. I have been checking in with them every day. They know we can leave if they are not comfortable. Even they noticed that he is trying to just lay low. He has not been "parenting" them. Please just let this pass so we can get back to getting better without him here!
I know I am not the only one who is being forced to be holed up with their abusers. He used the kids to get back here. He said I was keeping them from them during a time that was critical for him to be able to have access.
So far, he has stayed dry. He is also staying out of my way (for now). I dug a hole in the yard for "therapy". He asked what I was doing and I just laughed.....
I am praying hard for those of you living with an active alcoholic. For now, at least, that is not a struggle here (yet). For now, I am just afraid of what happens next. I have a go bag in the spot where my spare tire goes (god forbid I get a flat) and I put shoes and medications under the seats of my car.I made arrangements for my animals which has been a huge thing keeping me "stuck" recently. I am sleeping with my keys and phone in my pillowcase. I stopped short of sleeping in my sneakers but dammit.....don't think I didn't think of that.
The kids are ok with him being here so far. I have been checking in with them every day. They know we can leave if they are not comfortable. Even they noticed that he is trying to just lay low. He has not been "parenting" them. Please just let this pass so we can get back to getting better without him here!
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Salt Lake City, UT
Posts: 1,132
It sounds like you have a plan in place. Good for you. For what it's worth, the SLC Police Department on Facebook put out a post saying that they are seeing a significant increase in domestic violence with this lockdown. Make sure you have phone numbers to your local domestic violence shelter and all of that. If he hits you at all, law enforcement will remove him from the house. I hate to be gloom and doom, but I am being realistic. Good luck to you and the kids.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 298
Beer vs. pandemic QUACKING Mind you, we have four kids.
AH “I was going to buy beer anyway. I can go to the pharmacy.”
Pizza: “Why would you need to buy beer? (Supposedly he gave it up for lent.)
AH “It’s spring break.”
Pizza: “There’s no excuse”
AH “Whatever. “(Walks away)
Pizza: “It would be a bad idea for you to drink and say upsetting things to us when we are stuck in the house with you.”
AH “You say mean thing when you’re SOBER.” (This is untrue)
Pizza: “You don’t get to attack me.”
AH “Yes I do you went after me. Back off. You have to get a prescription anyway. “
Pizza:”I do drive thru! You’d risk our health for beer by going in the store!”
AH “Then I’d better buy enough to get me through”
PizZa: “Don’t threaten me. “
AH “What do you want me to do them?”
pizza: “Stop drinking and destroying this family!”
AH “Whatever.” (Walks away to go get his disgusting beer)
Pizza: “Why would you need to buy beer? (Supposedly he gave it up for lent.)
AH “It’s spring break.”
Pizza: “There’s no excuse”
AH “Whatever. “(Walks away)
Pizza: “It would be a bad idea for you to drink and say upsetting things to us when we are stuck in the house with you.”
AH “You say mean thing when you’re SOBER.” (This is untrue)
Pizza: “You don’t get to attack me.”
AH “Yes I do you went after me. Back off. You have to get a prescription anyway. “
Pizza:”I do drive thru! You’d risk our health for beer by going in the store!”
AH “Then I’d better buy enough to get me through”
PizZa: “Don’t threaten me. “
AH “What do you want me to do them?”
pizza: “Stop drinking and destroying this family!”
AH “Whatever.” (Walks away to go get his disgusting beer)
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
pizza...….yep. That's QUACKING! And, considering the consequences to the whole family....especially, under these circumstances.....it tells you where he is in his addiction. The alcoholic voice , in his brain, that speaks to him 24/7 is the only message that he can hear......
I really, really feel for you...being holed up with the children, in this.....
I really, really feel for you...being holed up with the children, in this.....
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 298
And now he’s quitting therapy
Many of you told me therapy with him would be a waste. He has resented it openly from the start and is now saying that because I said that about tearing the family apart, and because of not apologizing for something I never did last night, that I have rejected the therapists suggestions that we reach out to each other and so AH “has no hope for us.” (The kids were rude to him yesterday so he had two beers and then picked arguments at dinner. Then he lashed out at me via text about how I should apologize for blaming him that they were rude in response to his contentiousness. (I didn’t).)
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Originally Posted by pizza67 
[left]Many of you told me therapy with him would be a waste. He has resented it openly from the start and is now saying that because I said that about tearing the family apart, and because of not apologizing for something I never did last night, that I have rejected the therapists suggestions that we reach out to each other and so AH “has no hope for us.”
It's a false premise. You go in, are honest about your/worries/issues and your AH throws it back in your face. All you are giving him is ammunition. That's not YOUR intent, but that's how it works.
Couples therapy will not fix alcoholism.
Do you see hope for this relationship?
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 298
No. He can only lecture and blame me and the kids and say I make them rude to him. He can’t look at why they are angry in the first place. Not to justify rudeness but to understand why they are so angry. And in the middle of a pandemic when we can’t do anything. The crazy thing is he can have like two drinks and that’s enough for him to pick fights.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 298
Oh, and then there’s the none too subtle financial threatening....tells the therapist in our final session (he refuses to attend anymore because I haven’t improved lol), that “Pizza seems to realize that it’s not a good idea to divorce during a pandemic when I make the money and provide the health insurance”.
Does anyone know if verbal commitments carry weight in court? He told the therapist I can have primary of the kids, house,etc. (He’s apparently too ignorant to understand the changes in divorce law in our state.)
Does anyone know if verbal commitments carry weight in court? He told the therapist I can have primary of the kids, house,etc. (He’s apparently too ignorant to understand the changes in divorce law in our state.)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
Wow. I just came back here to do some reading for the first time since I posted this thread. I had no idea what storms were brewing when I innocently and naively believed that I would make it through this experience unscathed. The week after I posted this, he really went on a tear. He was mad about everyone and everything. He accused the kids of telling on him that he had been drinking while I was out. He made some horrible accusations about me cheating and lying and called me all kinds of names...and then he punched me. In the face. Of course, I was shocked and mortified. My kids were there. My oldest son closed their bedroom door and put a dresser behind it (I found this out later). My AH screamed at me for thirty more minutes about how he didn't hit me and that I did it to myself (eye swelling, turning black). Then he stormed out into the night. I can only tell you that I was so relieved. I didn't chase him or call him to come back. I just went and checked on my kids and took care of myself.
I was miserable because I felt like I had to lie about what happened to my face. I know I am not alone in the domestic violence world. I called the hotline the next day and asked for help based on the new health guidelines. I have a very medically fragile child, so a women's shelter would have to be a last resort. To keep with some sort of privacy, I will spare you the middle details but we are safe now. This was his lowest low (thus far) and he has stayed sober since that day. Everyone always talks about their low being so much lower than what we think it should be and I totally get that now. He gets to see the kids with supervision. I cant even look at him without feeling sick to my stomach. I don't even have the energy to hate him anymore. I feel really sorry for him. He has lost everything and now, sobriety is too little, too late to get it back.
What I do know, is that I am better...my kids are better...because when you sigh and smile with relief as your stumbling, black-out drunk husband walks out on you, you know it is time. Time for change.
I was miserable because I felt like I had to lie about what happened to my face. I know I am not alone in the domestic violence world. I called the hotline the next day and asked for help based on the new health guidelines. I have a very medically fragile child, so a women's shelter would have to be a last resort. To keep with some sort of privacy, I will spare you the middle details but we are safe now. This was his lowest low (thus far) and he has stayed sober since that day. Everyone always talks about their low being so much lower than what we think it should be and I totally get that now. He gets to see the kids with supervision. I cant even look at him without feeling sick to my stomach. I don't even have the energy to hate him anymore. I feel really sorry for him. He has lost everything and now, sobriety is too little, too late to get it back.
What I do know, is that I am better...my kids are better...because when you sigh and smile with relief as your stumbling, black-out drunk husband walks out on you, you know it is time. Time for change.
Last edited by oddsunflower; 06-23-2020 at 02:51 PM. Reason: misread the date :)
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 526
Have you called the domestic abuse hotline yet? Did you take a picture of your black eye? Maybe the domestic abuse hotline can help you get an emergency order of protection where he is kept out of the house. You could also have him arrested for assault. These actions may seem extreme- but he punched you in the face!! Perhaps you could just talk to someone who can be a counselor at the domestic abuse hotline. I am not an expert but I understand domestic abuse escalates. and there is a cycle of relative peace, building tension, and then physical abuse and it repeats. Read about the cycle of abuse. Please take care of yourself and your children. Also take a picture and document what happens. Give the picture and your documentation to a trusted friend to keep for you- send it in the mail. If he finds it, he will destroy it, and he may become violent.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Oddsunflower, I am glad you and your children are now safe. I am devastated that your situation devolved into physical violence. We hear that here, spouses knowing that their A would never hit them...until they actually do. My AXH never hit me and I believed he never would, but I know there are many other people here who felt the same way, and then had it happen. I am so very sorry this occurred, and it's even more egregious that your kids witnessed this violence. I do hope this is the "rock bottom" that your husband needs to realize he needs serious help and he needs it NOW. That he hasn't drank since is a very small start, but it's something.
Again, I am so sorry this happened, and so relieved you are all safe. You are so brave. Thank you for letting us know what has been going on with you, I've reading back over older posts lately and wondering how things were with you. I hate that this happened, but am glad you've made a decision to make the changes that needed to be made.
***HUGS***
Again, I am so sorry this happened, and so relieved you are all safe. You are so brave. Thank you for letting us know what has been going on with you, I've reading back over older posts lately and wondering how things were with you. I hate that this happened, but am glad you've made a decision to make the changes that needed to be made.
***HUGS***
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
osf, wow, I'm so sorry that happened to you! I'm sure it's traumatic. I am glad however that you and the kids are safe, that's most important now.
Yes, it is time for change and I'm glad to hear that you are ready to make those changes for yourself. You do deserve to be treated well at all times. Please keep us posted and take care.
Yes, it is time for change and I'm glad to hear that you are ready to make those changes for yourself. You do deserve to be treated well at all times. Please keep us posted and take care.
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