nez

Let your mom be who she is. Let yourself be who you are. People do things. We decide if they are "done" to us or not.

Your mom is giving you a gift by being who she is. What you glean from the gift is up to you. Examples can show us what we want to be and they can also show what we don't want to be.

Some of my most profound lessons have come from role models of unwanted traits. The feelings these role models produce in me really bring home what it is that truly do want to be.

They make me firm in my commitment to do my best to make sure that others don't have those same feelings that I experienced, as a result of encountering me. Basically, the golden rule reinforced.

Maudcat

You know, that is so true.
I often look at my parents as examples of how not to be.
Although they were and are decent if flawed people, products of their upbringing and the mores and norms of their generation.
They did the best they could, and, most of the time, that was just fine.
Sometimes the things I find sad and frustrating are that there is very little of the mom I had left in the mom I have now.
Sad because it’s tough to watch.
Frustrating because there is really nothing I can do about it.
Old age and cognitive decline have taken my mother away, leaving behind a confused, messy doppelganger.
Y’all with aged parents can relate.
Peace.

hopeful4

I am being a bad friend here...but I have to admit. I am literally howling right now! I can just picture this....you poor thing!!! This is the stuff movies are made of!!! lmao0

I'm sorry that I am laughing at your plight. I promise when you come back I will listen to you vent and rant about this for days!!! YOU HAVE MY PROMISE!!!

[QUOTE=SmallButMighty;7019067]
She is usually standing right at the sliding glass door, grabs me, starts rocking me back and forth and sobbing, hindering all other people trying to get where they are going. It's embarrassing! I am Ok with anyone showing emotion, that's not the embarrassing part... I just wish she would wait to the side, it isn't like I wouldn't walk over to her!
QUOTE]

SmallButMighty

Hopeful, oh I can see the humor in this “tragedy”. One must laugh or one will cry... right?

You may be sorry making that promise! After two weeks of watching my mother and brother dance their sick and disturbing dance of codepence and enmeshment I will be nearly as nuts as they are...

Maudcat

I hear that.

hopeful4

My promise stands no matter what!!!!

aliciagr

You may be sorry making that promise! After two weeks of watching my mother and brother dance their sick and disturbing dance of codepence and enmeshment I will be nearly as nuts as they are...

Be careful. Im realizing more and more how easy it is to be drawn into the chaos. My MIL is HERE ! Uninvited ! She flew into town (on her broom), oops, a plane on Sunday. She admits to watching our house on Monday to see what time we both left for work. I didn't work on Monday because Im doing part time right now. On Tuesday, she admits to watching us again ! My mom arrived to babysit on Tuesday and shortly after I left for work; MIL went to the door and wanted to see her grandson. This is the same woman who wanted me to sneak her in months ago while my husband was at work knowing he was NC with her, and didn't want her here. My husband made it clear to her recently that he was having a hard time after a family session with her, and he needed space so he was stepping back. He was in bad shape emotionally. I cannot believe she has so little respect for him/his health. It feels like Nutville

Do you have some ideas on how your going to manage the stress of being there?

PuzzledHeart

She sounds like a stalker.

I remember the sneak in suggestion. I thought she was a little off-kilter then, but this takes the cake.

Someone I know was in a similar situation with a woman who was obsessed with him. Drove across several states and showed up at his office. He informed the guard that she wasn't allowed in, and then just ghosted her (he didn't block her, he wanted to know when she was leaving). After a week of increasingly frantic messages she finally got the hint and drove home. It was a long, long wait, and it took some choreography to make sure that he could avoid her.

Your MIL sounds like the kind of woman who lets her emotions take over. The anxiety builds up to a point where the only way, in her head, to deal with it is to do something dramatic NOW. A grand statement where you simply cannot say no to her. She flew across the country! How could you?

I wish you the best as you all try to hold down the boundaries. I would grant yourself some forgiveness if she does end up seeing her grandchild if she does wear you down. Too bad you can't take a little vacation to some place unknown to avoid her. Could you pay someone to throw some nails underneath the tires of her rental car while you make your getaway? (Kidding/Not Kidding)

Seriously, do you have a prepared response the next time she shows up at your doorstep?

I'm sorry that I can't think of anything else at the moment. I'm dumbfounded.

hopeful4

Wow. That is some stalker type stuff. Sort of scary! How are you handling this Alicia?? My heart is with you as I remember the internal struggle you have had about her.

Goodness.

SmallButMighty

There is a whole lot more then codependence going on here. OMG!

If ANYBODY did this to me and MY CHILD I'd move and never, ever tell them my new address.... how the "heck" can she think this behavior is OK???!!! These actions of hers don't prove love, they prove her diabolically crazy. This woman doesn't just disrespect boundaries, she plays by her own twisted, and perverse rules. She SURVEILLED you !!! I understand why your husband goes no contact!

I have so many questions! Is she actually staying in your home? Did your mom let her in? Has your husband confronted her?

I do have some ideas on how I will be coping with the stress of staying at my mum's house but I don't think any of that pertains to what you are dealing with. I'm going to break up my time with her by spending some nights with friends. I'm going to stay mildly checked out when she is babbling on about dumb stuff and I am going to shut her down when she talks about stuff I don't want to hear. I am not going to allow her to make me uncomfortable and if she does I will leave, I'll warn her first but if she keeps at it I'm out of there. I'm already really good at ignoring my brother. If he acts like an ass, I'll leave, I've done it before despite the tears spurting from my mum's eyes.. I will not stand for his ignorance. She puts up with it but that's on her, I wont, not for her, not for him, not for anybody.

We do have to have a serious talk while I am there regarding her will. It can't be avoided, I am the executrix and she is now telling me things verbally that are different than what is written. It's not going to be a fun conversation. Not that talks about wills are ever comfortable.


I'm still in shock about your mother in law's behavior........ that's insane

hopeful4

SBM...it sounds like you have a great plan in place!

I too think Alicia's situation is pure craziness....and more than a little scary! Yikes!

trailmix

Sooo yeah. That's some weird behavior right there. I'm just going to play devil's advocate here for a minute.

Your Husband and his Mother obviously have issues to deal with that they may or may not resolve, time will tell. In the meantime, she is prohibited from visiting her grandchild.

Unless she is criminal-like, that seems cruel. Certainly must to her. She is being punished (she may deserve punishment - I sure don't know) and is that fair? As I said, I don't know enough about your situation to know but I do know that incredibly stressful situations like this can have people acting out in odd ways. Whether that is an alcoholic going on a bender for a week and not coming home or a Grandmother trying to catch a glimpse of her grandchild.

Is it possible there could be some visitation worked out at all? Supervised, short visits?

Instead of looking at how crazy this behavior seems, perhaps a little empathy for her need to see her grandchild.

Anyway, just a thought.

biminiblue

I disagree, Trailmix.

His/her child. Their rules. Grannie already burned bridges loooooooong ago. Like any dysfunctional relationship, change precedes trust.

She is exhibiting escalating disregard for boundaries .

trailmix

I agree with you in that she has done some major bridge burning and that alicia and her Husband may have good reason to keep her away from the grandchild, I don't know enough about that to comment on that part. She may be a threat to the child.

I was just saying that examining those reasons might be appropriate.

Does that excuse her behavior, not at all, does it excuse her boundary jumping, not at all, however if we can have compassion for an alcoholic and all that entails can we not do that for others that have also been impacted (heck might have contributed for whatever reason, again, don't know that history).

theuncertainty

OMFG, Aliciagr.

You mentioned issues came up in a family session. Was it a counseling session, or just a family heart-to-heart? Just wondering if you have a counselor you could get some time with. Not with her, but just to be able to talk about the blatant, crazy disregard?

aliciagr

I came to check in on you SMB..

Thanks to all of you who commented on my MIL situation. Yeah its crazy all right.

My mom knew who she was and let her into the house. None of us think she is dangerous per say. I don't think she would harm our son, but I was at a total loss when my mom called to tell me she was there.
I also wasn't sure what to do about letting my husband know as he was also at work. I waited and didn't call him because my mom said she would help sort it all out. Of course he found out later after work.

My mom invited my MIL over to their house since she had no place to stay, and wasn't going to stay at our place with all the drama it would bring. I cant handle all the drama. Its really worse than dealing with my husband when he was on drugs. At least I knew his brain was messed up due to the chemicals.

Trailmix, Ive tried to keep my MIL in the loop with our son, and Ive encouraged her to get therapy, agreed to attend a family therapy session with both inlaws, my husband and myself BEFORE all this happened. Ive called, sent pictures, and not bad mouthed her. I want to have a relationship with her if possible. With all this going on, she is not all bad. She can be "delightful" almost charming.. hmm isn't that what they say about addicts? luring you in?

what happened was she stayed at my parents for the rest of the week. My husband was upset about her showing up, she admitted to my mom she watched our house. She asked my mom not to tell us she had come by. HA. She flies across the country, admits to stalking us, and doesn't want my mom to tell on her.

My parents talked to her in great detail. If nothing else, she knows we have support, and that her son is respected by my family despite the past issues with substances/behavior. My parents also spent time with me and my husband. My dad has been an incredible support to my husband and he helped him work through some of this, enough that we all had a civil get together and did some actual talking about the whole situation calmly.

She spent some quality time with our son, was invited back to our house. My husband had more of a problem after she left basically like an emotional aftermath.

Im tired of the drama. Up until we moved out there by them, husband relapsed, and all heck broke loose - my life was calm and not filled with all this weird stuff and a depressed husband with emotional swings. My mom said I handled it all well though. Im not sure that would have happened without her help. Im never moving away from my mommy again ! I appreciate her so much more now that I ever did before.

SmallButMighty

Thanks for checking on me Alicia. I will be seeing my mum on the 25th for the first time in 13 months. It will be interesting. I am sure I will be back to report on the crazy after I get back from that trip! In the mean time my daughter is visiting me and we are having a lot of quality girl time together ( today we got pedies and shopped for nice fall accents for my home), all this good energy is charging my batteries for what is to come in a couple weeks.....

Hurricane Michael just missed us so we are all feeling extremely lucky, considering what happened to our "neighbors" just a 45minute drive to the east of us. These types of things always give me fresh perspective.

I'm glad things worked out "OK" with your MIL, but that is still some crazy crap she pulled OMG! I hope she knows not to do that again.

Wamama48

Oh no!!! That's bad for your RAH if I remember right. Very bad. Is he doing ok? Have you been able to make her go away?

theuncertainty

I just really have to get this out. I know passive-aggressive behavior isn't strictly a co-dependent trait, but is it definitely a my-co-dependent-Mom trait. I'm having a difficult time dealing with her. That's not exactly true. What I’m having a hard time with is still liking her. I love her - in the abstract Mom-ness. I have a hard time liking her in the reality.

Last night I was watching TV in the living room, which is the same as the dining room, and it's not often that I watch TV. Her laptop is set up on the dining table. (Neither the TV or computer were on when I sat down.) Towards the end of the show that I was watching, she started playing reality TV singing contest videos on her computer, quietly at first. The first one was fine - whatever. But then another and the volume inched up. I didn't ask her to stop, because the show was almost over and I was planning to go up to read after. So, I turned it off a little earlier than planned and went upstairs. The songs immediately stopped and before I made it to the landing (midway), she’d turned the TV back on and changed the channel. People, she had to SPRINT around the table and couch to do that so fast. My first thought on hearing her do that was, “Well, since I don’t watch much, maybe she was just being nice and waiting until I left.” But being nice would not have included playing music or turning it up. AND… Her RABF then called and her opening line was “I finally got to watch part of it!”

There are so many other things, and with some of them, if she wasn’t Mom, it’d result in me losing her phone number and never, ever talking to her again. I don’t think I like her and I don’t think my condo is big enough for all of us and I can’t afford a home that has a living room and family room that we could split, or a MIL apartment. And how do you kick your mom out? Or do you just suck it up and keep on? Because no amount of pointing out her passive aggressive tendencies and asking her to not, results in anything other than, “Well. I didn’t mean it that way.” (It’s been – what? – 4 months? and I’m sick of that phrase.)

And she’s doesn’t get it that I don’t have money like my sisters do. I budget for groceries for pete’s sake. When I don’t have money to buy every snack or wine she wants, it’s not because I don’t want to buy it, it’s because milk and meals come first.

And how does it work when your parent moves in with you? DS wants a dog. I want a dog. Mom does not want a dog. She says allergies, but she was just fine when she lived with my younger sister's family and their Malamute and 2 cats. It’s MY house, FFS. OK... I think I'm done. Thanks for letting me vent.

Maudcat

I say, get a dog.