Awal

It would mean lm lost..i dont know what to do or how to deal with the fact the man l thought l knew really is a stranger who has a big health threatening problem.

AnvilheadII

there, good job of putting your fear down in writing......now that you have identified it, you can examine it, break it down, and then begin to determine how you can respond to it. i know there is a strong urge to run away from it, pretend it's not there. that's normal.

suki44883

It really doesn't matter if he is "officially" an alcoholic. He obviously drinks and hides it from you because he doesn't want you to know the extent to which he drinks. He doesn't want to deal with the arguments and questions, etc.

You know what you know. Now, what are you going to do about it? You won't change him.

Awal

I can't do anything...

Awal

I once found an unopened bottle of vodka near one of the plant pots on our front garden one night when I took our dog out for his night time toileting. I brought it in and showed hubby. He suggested it was prob some kids had hidden it there to collect later. he poured it down the sink saying it might have been tampered with. Good grief..as I am writing this i am amazed at my stupidity as I didn't question any further. How stupid am i? He obviously poured it away for effect! I even asked my neighbours if it was theirs the following day!!!!!

mylifeismine

1. You are not stupid, my experience was that I too was in denial.
2. There is alot you can do, but it revolves around what you will do
for yourself - your needs, your wants, your life and how you want
to live it.
3. Nothing you say to him or show to him will make him admit to a
problem, or take any actions to help himself. Approaching it with
sensitivity and compassion is good, but in the end, you only have
control over your behavior. There is alot to learn about it, but like
another poster said, you know what you know and are you
content to live this reality? Only you can know this.

suki44883

Sure you can. You aren't forced to live with this. We always have options, we just may not like any of those options.

trailmix

I actually don't think that's "stupid" of you. If I found a bottle of vodka outside and I mentioned it to my SO or room mate and they said what he said - why would you question that?

Lies are on the liar, not the recipient.

So, if you can't do anything about it, you have a couple of choices, you confront and try and work something out.

Ideally he will come clean so you know what you are dealing with at least. Try to remain calm, talk it through. Before you do though, perhaps consider what your boundaries are (for example).

- Are you willing to carry on with the marriage if he drinks openly and no more lies?
- Are you willing to turn a blind eye completely?
- Are you unwilling to do either of those things and if he continues to drink you might not run out the door but you will no longer be willing to be in a romantic relationship with him, however you can continue to live as roommates?

That's really all up to you - not whether he drinks or not but what your boundaries are. Those boundaries are for you, it's about where you draw the line for yourself, not for him

Awal

Rock and hard place 😞

AnvilheadII

but it's YOUR life, awal. always remember that....your one precious life and you DO have choices.

Awal

Thank you, at the moment im coming to terms with it all..feeling quite panicky and scared to be honest. I dont know what l will do. All l know is i feel like ive been living and loving someone l dont know at all but thought l did. I feel utterly alone and frightened. The person who is meant to be my rock is no more than a hollow shell...who is putting me in a position where l have to cope alone.

Awal

Not really...im 61 only work part time...

aliciagr

I agree that hiding the bottles is a dysfunctional behavior. But beyond that I don't think anyone here on an online forum is able to diagnose an AUD - Alcohol Use Disorder... or declare where he would even fall on the spectrum. If you haven't done so, I suggest doing a search on this topic. There is a wide spectrum and many reasons why people abuse alcohol. There is clearly situational alcohol abuse which occurs in times of stress, and is tied to ones coping skills, etc.
There is a whole treatment protocol depending on the severity of the problem.

When my husbands drinking became severe, he was not able to hide it. I could physically tell he had been drinking. His behavior, his speech.. the smell was the worst ! He attempted to hide some of the cans and bottles for a while also but well, he didn't do a very good job and then at one point he stopped because he no longer cared. That behavior was tied to not wanting me to know so I wouldn't " react", and he was also personally ashamed and knew he was drinking too much.

My feeling is that it does no good to try and hide an elephant in the room. Reading your post, there are mentions of other issues going on also : a growing distance between the both of you, stressful relationship with his daughter, poor sleeping on his part, lack of intimacy which it sounds like you miss, These are things that can be discussed without even bringing up the alcohol concerns. Being able to open up dialogue when there is a distance between partners can be difficult. What was helpful for me during this stage was to seek out a therapist to talk over the situation: express my feelings and concerns. It also helped me work on ways to best communicate with my husband. I found a therapist through our local hospital system and since its all confidential - shared my heart out !

One other thing I will mention. I isolated myself during this period of time because I was ashamed to tell family about the situation. Once I was able to share with those closest to me, those who knew my husband also - it was a little bit like a huge burden had been lifted.

I don't think you are naïve. I think there are a lot of unanswered questions and you have valid concerns about his drinking and the distance that's developing in your marriage,

dandylion

Awal…..you might take a deep breath and begin to read the articles that I gave you the link to.....

do you have alanon meetings in your country...or something similar, in your area?
That is a good place to start. Also, many churches have programs that offer support programs for those in your dellimma…..

maia1234

Awal,
I think down deep you had an idea, as you posted on this sober recovery forum. It's ok to finally figure out what has been going on in your house over the last few years. I remember going to my first alanon meeting after being with my addict for almost 20 years and I was just "shocked" that he was "actually" an alcoholic.

So the question is, what are you going to do with this information? The answer is nothing, for right now. They say in alanon that they don't recommend you to do anything "drastic" for at least six months, so you can take some time to process what is going on. You don't need to leave him, threaten him, try and get him into rehab. Co-dependents recovery is about us, not them. (something you will learn)

The next thing you need to do is educate yourself about this disease. As Dandy said, read the stickies and realize that your husband is no special snowflake, he is no different then any of the other addicts out there. In fact you will read the stickies and go he did that , and he did that, and he did that.... Try and reach out to an alanon meeting or an open aa meeting or maybe an addiction therapist for some face to face support. There is so much that you can learn to help you, and make your life a little better.

Take a deep breath, do your homework and just take it all in. You will be ok, my friend.

trailmix

yes, as maia said, no need to make any rash decisions. Once you are calmer you will be thinking more clearly.

Try not to think of every possible disastrous outcome.

Until you have the facts though, try not to let your imagination run away.

Knowledge is key here and the articles Dandylion mentioned are a great place to start.

Awal

Thank you so much.

Awal

Thank you for caring

Awal

Thank you

Awal

Sorry but what are dds?