Sasha1972

So, trying to navigate things with Kid and alcoholic ex. I'll skip most of the backstory (deteriorating late-stage addiction, rage-prone, crazy behavior involving cops and hair dye, court-ordered SoberLink).

Ex is allowed visits with Kid during the day as long as he complies with SoberLink testing before/during/after visit. He arranges visits through me. (I have suggested a schedule for visits instead; not surprisingly he has not taken up this suggestion). Kid has generally been pretty neutral, neither very enthusiastic nor very unenthusiastic about seeing her father.

However in the last couple of weeks she's been behaving in ways which suggest ambivalence. Twice she's turned back from going to her father's for a visit (she takes buses, he just sits at his place waiting for her). The first time it was because her stomach hurt, the second time (this week) it was because there was a "weird man" at the bus stop who "creeped her out". In both cases, after coming back home she decided that she felt better after all and went to her father's place. She has also come home early from visits twice saying she forgot what time she was supposed to leave her father's. I have said nothing other than "no problem" and "I can give you a lift if you'd like".

Now her father wants to arrange a visit for this week. Kid also has some athletic events this week and ex wants to know from her when she's available. Kid is giving him vague and ambiguous answers that have the effect of making it impossible to plan a visit ("I forget when it ends... I think I need to be there early ... I don't know what my coach thinks ..."). Ex was just texting me about a visit with Kid tomorrow afternoon after her events are over; I responded that I thought that would work, and then Kid popped out of her bedroom to say "oh, I forgot to tell you, Friend X and I made plans to hang out tomorrow afternoon and we're going book shopping". And after that I heard her on the phone with X (I swear I wasn't eavesdropping) making plans to meet up tomorrow.

In other words, she told me she had made a date with X before she actually made one, and the timing makes me think she may have done this so she could put off a visit with her father without actually saying "I don't want to visit my father".

So - where is my lane here? I am not going to tell Kid "you have to cancel plans with your friend because your crazy father decided he wants to see you tomorrow". I am really hoping that Kid will grow away from her father, without me intervening, and I think time spent with friend X is a good thing (Kid has nice friends). However, if Kid doesn't visit her father, he will pitch a hissy and it will be my fault. This will not be fun but I am okay with it being my fault - better that he blame me than unload it all on Kid.

Do I have an obligation to facilitate Kid's visits with her father? Are my responsibilities satisfied by being neutral and neither encouraging nor discouraging visits, while Kid works out for herself what she is going to do? Or is that just abdicating my parental role and I should be more proactive? What does proactive even look like in this situation.

maia1234

Sasha,
I never had to deal with this as my kids were older when we divorced. I think you might try and take kid out for pizza and pick her brain. Obviously something is up. I am not sure how old she is but it could be that she is just not into spending time with Dad anymore, but there are laws that you have to follow.

I would find out if something happened that she is not telling you and move forward with that information. I am sure someone will come along and tell you what they did.

Trinity7777

There are no children involved in my situation (thankfully!), so I can't speak from experience. But it does sound to me like she may be avoiding him. Hard to say if it's normal teenage distancing or if something happened to make her feel that way.

I second the suggestion to try and gently get some info from her. In the meantime, it sounds to me like you're handling it well by not pushing her in one direction or the other. Knowing she has your support no matter how she feels is probably the best thing for her

hopeful4

I get this. Not to your extreme, but sort of in the same boat.

So, is he the type of person who is going to have a fit and take you to court if his visits start lessening? If not, I would let her visit when SHE wants, or does not want. If so, I would explain that she has a legal obligation to visit and to pick a time that works for her.

While my visits are not supervised (kid goes every other weekend), I do let her control most of the time when she wants to have alternate plans. I do this because he will easily tell me no, where he will actually not tell her no when she asks to do something else. It's put pressure on her where it should not have been, however the alternative was her always being told no through me. I see that it has made her a strong communicator in the rest of her life, which is really positive. He blames me for anything he does not agree with, down to if they wear something he does not like. I could not give a flying flip and don't engage. I don't even respond to things like that.

I have taken myself out of 99.9% of the communication and only communicate w/my XAH when absolutely necessary. This has made life much better for me, and honestly, it's been good for my DD who may as well learn to communicate w/her dad now b/c he will be her dad for the rest of her life.

Big hugs, it's hard to navigate it all sometimes

alwayscovering

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Can I ask how old she is?

It seems like she's avoiding him. I'd try to find out why. while I normally advocate for both parents to facilitate a relationship- these situations I always think it's okay to not make them go especially since you don't know what goes on there. It could be something like he flies off the handle if she does something he perceives is wrong or inappropriate and she doesn't want to tell you because she doesn't want you to worry. Or he bashes you constantly or she's bored and he's not really engaging her.

*hugs* I know this is tough.

Sasha1972

Kid is 13. She's a typical early-teen in some ways (experiments with sarcastic eye rolls, wants to spend all her time on the phone with her friends), and quite mature and resourceful in others (navigates city bus system on her own, does her own laundry).

She is very good at not talking about her feelings with me. Fortunately she has a really good counsellor that she sees (who's clued-in about the dynamics of addiction). She went to Alateen for about a year before it started to get a bit repetitive. She's also asked me to make additional appointments with her counsellor so I hope that whatever it is will come up in that safe space.

Our court order says that visits are arranged with both parents, and shall be a minimum of four hours per week. So I think that as long as she has had at least four hours with her father in the last seven days (which she has), above and beyond that I'm not going to either encourage or discourage.

hopeful4

Good for you!

My child is about this same age and sounds a lot the same. I have let her know I am here to listen always. I think that's the very best thing we can do for them.

You are a good momma!