Awal

I have my own money in a separate account...and some moderate savings, and l have increased my working days from 3 to 4 (i have a decent employer). Thanks for your concern.

atalose

Hi AWAL and welcome, sorry for the situation that has brought you here to SR but glad you found us. I’d say it’s a lot to wrap your mind around and I’m sure you feel much confusion right now. I think the advice to learn as much as you can about alcoholism and addict behavior is extremely important. I might also suggest you look into al-anon for you. That is like the flip side of AA for the family and loved ones of alcoholics/problem drinkers. And I think reading the stickies here along with many posts and you will come to see you are not alone in facing this issue.

Awal

Thank you.

trailmix

He didn't disclose them (ie: lied about it). He lied to your face about the porn and he is lying about the drinking.

So, he may not be an alcoholic, or a sex addict or a person who spends money recklessly. What he is though is a liar.

What do you do with a liar? Honestly, I don't know the answer to that. People who lie like that, it's a way of being, it's as natural as brushing their teeth in the morning.

I'm glad you were able to get out and forget about this for a few hours. You need time to let this all settle in and to make decisions.

Awal

Yes..he has got lying down to a find art. He bought his daughter a car in January...didnt tell me about it..just said he was taking her out to lunch for her birthday..i wasnt invited but thought they needed time alone to talk as she was going through divorce. I went on the computer and he had left his emails open...one of which was the confirmation for a car test drive that day. I asked if they had a nice meal when he got back..he said it was ok...i said did you do anything else? He replied no..just had a cup of tea at her house after the meal. So l said " so you didnt go for the test drive with a view to buying her a car then?" His face was a picture...and then he HAD to own up. Lying pig. He thought l would be annoyed he was digging her out of a hole YET AGAIN and hes right about that...shes a taker who gives sod all back.

soberista

If a magic wand could be waved what would be your ideal outcome?

Awal

A magic wand? Id ask to be transported back to 14 Sept 2001, the day before he came into my life, when l was still with my husband who really did love me (despite being obsessed with cars). But l was swept off my feet, promised the world, and believed every word as l was bored after 24 years of marriage. I was the original idiot who thought the grass was greener. In hindsight which is a wonderful thing, l already had the greenest grass already...just couldnt see it. Bridges burned...ex remarried and extremely happy. I guess l got what l deserved.

soberista

Speaking frankly so forgive me if you feel i overstep the mark.

Couple of things. Firstly do you have a trustworthy good friend you can confide in or possibly a counsellor. You dont deserve this. No one should be lied to...particularly not by someone who is in a position, in your life, of supposed trust.

Secondly i would advise that you seek legal advice as a matter of urgency. If your reply to my question had been even a smattering of saving him from himself/the marriage then perhaps take your time to step your way through. Because of your response i think you need to clarify your legal position so you can understand what options are open to you in these current circumstances.

An alcoholic has to want to get sober. Turning that ship round is like turning a container ship coming from China in rough seas, with a head wind and a blind Captain. Its not going to be quick. Its not going to be easy. Its not a dead cert that it will dock.

You have the potential of a life without all this dross. It may not be a life you had imagined. But its a life that you can live under your own honest terms.

Awal

I cannot save him. Enough people of here have told me exactly that. He has to save himself. Just as l will do whatever l need to do to make life worth living again.

soberista

Just for the record we are here whenever you want to have a rant, advice or just a natter. Doors always open. Hugs. Xx

Awal

Thank you!

Awal

I just wanted to say...P isnt all bad. He prepares dinner each day for when l get home from work and mostly does the dishes afterwards. If l decide to buy something for the house he always pays his half towards it. He walks our dog twice a day so l can put my feet up in the evening. He cleans the whole house every Friday apart from the bathroom which l prefer to do myself. He looked after me when l was ill in bed with gastroenteritis a couple of months back. He pays the mortgage. So...when people suggest l make plans to leave because he has lied and hidden alcohol, l have to weigh it all up...he isn't a monster, but a troubled man who probably doesn't like himself much..who has a daughter who doesn't give a **** about him and who is trying to cope the only way he knows how. He isn't violent, he doesn't get drunk, he doesn't vomit everywhere or wet the bed. He just cannot be open with me about a lot of stuff so why would it be any different about drinking. Tonight l actually feel sorry for him.

SparkleKitty

Oh, Awal, we all understand. None of the alcoholics in our lives were all bad, either. We truly understand how complicated this all is.

I only want to say one thing for your consideration as you weigh your options and think about your future: alcoholism is a progressive condition. Left unacknowledged and untreated, it will get worse over time. Over how much time, no one can say. So it's possible that this is as good as it will get for him, and very likely that it will get worse. No matter what, please just keep your eyes open and take care of yourself.

maia1234

A,
Everyone on this forum loves their addict. If we didn't, we would never put up with all that they do to us. No one is telling you that he is a horrible man. What we are telling you is that this is a progressive disease. Go and read around this forum and see what the spouses are saying about the different stages that their addicts are in. It will get worse, I can promise you.

He isn't violent, - YET
he doesn't get drunk, - YET
he doesn't vomit everywhere or wet the bed. -YET

We are not asking you to pack your backs and move out today. We are telling you to open your eyes and educate yourself on what you future is with this man. There are a lot of spouses that won't leave and stay with an addict and even an abusive addict. That is their choice, no one can tell them to leave. We just want you to be aware of your future.

I was with my addict for 34 years and I finally said that he wasn't going to die on my watch, and I finally left. I had a friend in alanon who's husband didn't work, no license and just continued to drink himself to death. She came home one day and he was dead on the floor. I have another one who separated and never divorced him. He also drank himself to death. After not hearing from him for a week she went to his apartment and he was dead in the chair with the tv going. It happens. We just want you to be as healthy as you can be, being witness to this horrible disease.

Take your time, thats all we are recommending.

trailmix

Yes, absolutely, the house isn't on fire, no need to run for the door!

You are going to make your own decisions for sure. I agree with soberista that seeking some legal advice is a good idea, just a chat with a lawyer so you know where you stand if you ever do decide to leave. Doesn't mean you ever have to, of course, but would be good to have some facts.

Also, to have some of your own funds set aside if possible.

Just a couple of things to help keep your own peace of mind, if nothing else.

I think it's also a good idea to keep in mind that there are two people here, you and him. He may seem quite reliable (in general, sans the compulsive lying and drinking) but you don't really know that, you can't completely rely on him to remain that way.

Just so you know, I know you are already feeling unsettled and I surely don't want to add to your worries, just saying maybe protect yourself a bit so you can feel more secure.

Awal

Ok guys, i hear what you are saying. I too have a friend whose husband died from long term alcohol abuse. I have another friend whose ex husband was on the brink of his kidneys packing up etc but he clawed his way out of it and is still alive and sober today.
I found the first 'sign' of secret drinking around 8 years ago and have not seen any deterioration in his behaviour or health in that time...he showers and shaves every day, walks around 4 miles each day, and if lm not nagging at him doesn't get angry with me. He's 66, so surely if the drinking was so excessive (after at least the 8 years that l know of) he would be having some health problems. So, yes...im well aware of what can happen but it isn't happening right now...it might happen, it might not...but all any of us have is now, tomorrow isn't guaranteed, so why worry too much about it? If/when it becomes 'bad' i will address it. For now l just need to come to terms with his, shall we say, 'lack of openness'. Thank you for your advice and guidance, it is much appreciated.

Awal

I have spoken to a solicitor in the past when Ps daughter was causing us problems...i get 50% of everything..straight split. I also have my own savings and earn money which goes into my account.
If he were to die, for any reason..the house gets paid off and becomes mine ( this also works vice versa).
So l have a reasonable level of security..on financial matters l am not naive. 😉

trailmix

Yes, I read back through the thread and see you have that all under control, so there is at least that. You have security, you seem quite comfortable in general, you had a bit of a shock when you realized he may have a problem with alcohol but you appear to now be more accepting of that.

If you are content with your life, why change it, I can see that.

By the way, the fact that he is 66 and has no discrenable symptoms is not really telling of anything. Some people tolerate alcohol quite well for years, even alcoholics.

soberista

Firstly it doesnt matter to us the what you decide. Either way you will be wholeheartedly supported with love.

Here's my coin on the table for what its worth.

Relationship
He has distanced from me...there has been no intimacy for years which l put down to his age (60s).
He is irritable a lot. Just a negative person.
i dont know what to do or how to deal with the fact the man l thought l knew really is a stranger who has a big health threatening problem
All l know is i feel like ive been living and loving someone l dont know at all but thought l did.
I feel utterly alone and frightened.
The person who is meant to be my rock is no more than a hollow shell...who is putting me in a position where l have to cope alone.
I told him my trust in him is shattered
he had debts l found out by accident about not long after we began living together. I found porn on his laptop which he denied until l showed him the browsing history and he had no choice but to admit....its one discovery after another.
This of course doesn't mean that l believe ive misjudged him or that this is settled in my mind...far from it.
I guess l got what l deserved.
I cannot save him.
But it was the secrecy about it that unsettled me.
he has got lying down to a find art.
Rock and hard place 😞

Alcohol
When i try to discuss it..he gets defensive and tells me to stop going on about it. He says he had a little problem with worry and sleeplessness and was dealing with it on his own because every time he mentions his daughter l am always negative about her and make him feel worse.
He normally drinks Jack D but said he had gone off it in favour of vodka. So l bought a bottle of jack d and a bottle of vodka (as a test i suppose)and guess which one he opened???? To say he had gone off it the week before, he soon favoured it again. Vodka is easier to hide...
Good grief..as I am writing this i am amazed at my stupidity as I didn't question any further. How stupid am i? He obviously poured it away for effect! I even asked my neighbours if it was theirs the following day!!!!!

Daughter
His daughter is a sore point in our life as she has brought so many problems our way over the years
His daughter and l dont get get on (in fact he and his daughter dont get on!

Positives
He prepares dinner each day
He walks our dog
He cleans the whole house
He looked after me when l was ill
He pays the mortgage.
He isn't violent, he doesn't get drunk, he doesn't vomit everywhere or wet the bed
so why worry too much about it? If/when it becomes 'bad' i will address it.

All of the above are your words. It would perhaps be really good to unravel this knot of emotions, feelings and unvented anger. A counselor would be a start to get this out in the open and explored.

Perhaps on your own to start with or perhaps as a couple so you can truly explain how you feel and how these things affect you. From yesterday when a magic wand would take you back in time to today when he isn’t so bad, well there is confusion. There is also a great deal of historical resentment and unexplained feelings that maybe would be good if they are explored in an environment where you feel safe and there is no agenda. This situation is stressful and thats not good for your health either. You need to look after yourself and not feel anxious.

The positives are, too be fair, just things couples in a "normal" relationship would do.

hearthealth

Awal, what Soberista itemized is a long list. It is a long list that won't be rectified over night. The list sounds a lot like my relationship with husband and instead of daughter issues I have in law issues.

It takes years to work out all these issues. My husband isn't violent anymore. We went out for a family interaction and it was nice to see how kind and supportive he was to daughter. Not the hot head he was while drinking and shortly there after. I have got some flack on this web site for staying with husband. It is a hard process staying. I am older also. It takes a long time to work on issues. It takes two to work on issues. He must be willing.