Am I being naive?
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Originally Posted by VigilanceNow 
Hi Awal,
As a recovering alcoholic myself, I recognize a lot of what he is doing as things I have done myself. I have literally done everything he's done when trying my best to hide the excessive drinking I was doing. Hiding a bottle in a shed under old car mats? I'm sure he was convinced you'd never look there. Throwing a bottle away a mile from your home? Filling up a vodka bottle with water to disguise how much he's drank from it? He's obviously ashamed - VERY ashamed, and afraid of anyone (including neighbors apparently) finding out the amount and frequency he's drinking heavily. This is indicative of a very serious problem.
If you were dead against drinking yourself, perhaps this would just be his way of sneaking around to go against your rules, but you've said you enjoy the occasional vodka and tonic; why the need to hide it? As others have said, people who drink normally do not hide alcohol; they simply do not.
You need to have a serious conversation with him. If he had a legitimate reasoning for wanting a drink to relax/blow off some steam, why would he be hiding it? Trust me when I say this: an alcoholic hides their drinking because they're drinking too much too often and it's getting out of control.
I remember hiding glasses of vodka in my dresser drawer because I was afraid of the bottle being found and being immediately tossed. Hiding a glass of vodka in a cabinet is a sign of one of two things in my opinion: 1.) He was drinking when you came home unexpectedly and in a panic he hid it there instead of throwing it down the drain (an alcoholic will do anything to not waste the poison) and then he forgot about it, or 2.) Like me, he was afraid of you discovering a new bottle and put it there for easy access to come back to.
You are not jumping to rash conclusions; this is alcoholic behavior, and if he doesn't tackle it now, it will get worse before it gets better. I wouldn't approach it angrily or go too heavy on him for having secrets; if you come from a place of concern, he may open up. He is probably afraid that he's losing his grip on it, but doesn't know what to do.
Keep us updated
As a recovering alcoholic myself, I recognize a lot of what he is doing as things I have done myself. I have literally done everything he's done when trying my best to hide the excessive drinking I was doing. Hiding a bottle in a shed under old car mats? I'm sure he was convinced you'd never look there. Throwing a bottle away a mile from your home? Filling up a vodka bottle with water to disguise how much he's drank from it? He's obviously ashamed - VERY ashamed, and afraid of anyone (including neighbors apparently) finding out the amount and frequency he's drinking heavily. This is indicative of a very serious problem.
If you were dead against drinking yourself, perhaps this would just be his way of sneaking around to go against your rules, but you've said you enjoy the occasional vodka and tonic; why the need to hide it? As others have said, people who drink normally do not hide alcohol; they simply do not.
You need to have a serious conversation with him. If he had a legitimate reasoning for wanting a drink to relax/blow off some steam, why would he be hiding it? Trust me when I say this: an alcoholic hides their drinking because they're drinking too much too often and it's getting out of control.
I remember hiding glasses of vodka in my dresser drawer because I was afraid of the bottle being found and being immediately tossed. Hiding a glass of vodka in a cabinet is a sign of one of two things in my opinion: 1.) He was drinking when you came home unexpectedly and in a panic he hid it there instead of throwing it down the drain (an alcoholic will do anything to not waste the poison) and then he forgot about it, or 2.) Like me, he was afraid of you discovering a new bottle and put it there for easy access to come back to.
You are not jumping to rash conclusions; this is alcoholic behavior, and if he doesn't tackle it now, it will get worse before it gets better. I wouldn't approach it angrily or go too heavy on him for having secrets; if you come from a place of concern, he may open up. He is probably afraid that he's losing his grip on it, but doesn't know what to do.
Keep us updated
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Originally Posted by Awal
Thank you, at the moment im coming to terms with it all..feeling quite panicky and scared to be honest. I dont know what l will do. All l know is i feel like ive been living and loving someone l dont know at all but thought l did. I feel utterly alone and frightened. The person who is meant to be my rock is no more than a hollow shell...who is putting me in a position where l have to cope alone.
It IS terrifying. I feel for you, b/c I remember all too well how scared I was.
So take a deep breath. And one more. Then start doing what dandy suggested and read the stickies. Read around the forum, and post in other threads--those who get the most benefit from this forum (or Alanon or any other sort of recovery) are those who are the most actively engaged. You don't have to make any big decisions now, or take any actions you're not ready for. In fact, it's better if you wait until you've gotten a little education for yourself and have built a support system, since clearly the one you thought you had isn't really there.
I'd strongly recommend Alanon for some face-to-face support. Not all groups are great, and not everyone benefits from Alanon, but for me, it was definitely part of the recovery program, along with SR and lots and lots of reading as well as listening to podcasts and books on CD. Healing and growth have come in a lot of different flavors and colors for me, and it's all important.
As others have said, HE is not going to change until he chooses to do the work. It sounds like he's a long way from that yet. And again, to echo others, you DO have choices. You may not like them but you have them.
You say you work part-time and that this limits your choices. Could you increase your hours or take another part-time job, so you'd be able to support yourself if needed? Realize that there may have been far more money going out the window for his drinking than you could ever imagine (that was certainly my case). Taking a hard look at your finances might be a good place to start. Just like Anvilhead said, you need to see specifically what it is that you fear, and then figure out what to do about it.
Take some time, get your feet on the ground again, and educate yourself about alcoholism. You'll start to see more clearly when you learn more. Hope you continue to post here, and hope you get yourself to Alanon ASAP. If you can find a meeting tonight, I'd suggest going!
*** Let me also add that I heard endless promises about quitting from him, which were never true. We are divorced 3 years now, and so far as I know, he continues to drink and continues to pretend he doesn't.
I also want to mention that I am 58, not far behind you in age, and you and I are NOT the oldest ones here, by FAR!
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: North Yorkshire UK
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As a recovering alcoholic I would say that it didnt really matter to me what my partner said with regards to my drinking.
I had drunk a couple of bottles of wine one evening when his kids (9 & 11) had come to visit and the next day he had sent me a message saying that he just couldn't go on with my drinking anymore and seeing me like that in front of his kids, well it was too much. If I didnt address my drinking it would be the end of us.
I was quick to respond with something along the lines of well if you are asking me to never drink again I am not prepared to do commit to that. (I also remember seeing, more recently in another thread somewhere, someone saying something along the lines of their addictive voice had said to them if one of your kids died that would be a time to pick up a drink and they said for my head to go there well it demonstrated how much my drinking was driving the train.
And so for me too. I was prepared to lose the relationship (and I quickly decided that was an option) rather than putting my own behavior into check. At the time nothing was going to get in the way of my next drink.
I was functioning, going to work, etc etc but I was hiding how much i was drinking...hiding bottles of wine and how much of them I had drunk or bought. Keeping boxes of wine in the boot of the car or in cupboards that he rarely went into. I can remember countless episodes when on holiday where I would go the bar without him knowing to get a few in before he arrived.
My decision to stop drinking this year on the 4th January was arrived at without anything said by him. (Some maybe 4 months after his message but nothing to do with that message). I woke up that morning after downing over 2 bottles of wine the night before and said "Enough now".
Probability would suggest your husband is a fairly heavy drinker. Hiding it, lying, driving to dispose of bottles well it all smacks of someone who is fairly heavily entrenched in their drinking "career". For you to not know all of this, well unfortunately he isnt the man you think he is. The advice of the posters who have lived with people like me they are your mentors on this one now. Meeting people from AlAnon also will help you make sense of what to do next.
And just for the record. If the shoe had been on the other foot, I would have left after that evening with the kids. I wouldnt have even sent the message.
All the very best to you Xx
I had drunk a couple of bottles of wine one evening when his kids (9 & 11) had come to visit and the next day he had sent me a message saying that he just couldn't go on with my drinking anymore and seeing me like that in front of his kids, well it was too much. If I didnt address my drinking it would be the end of us.
I was quick to respond with something along the lines of well if you are asking me to never drink again I am not prepared to do commit to that. (I also remember seeing, more recently in another thread somewhere, someone saying something along the lines of their addictive voice had said to them if one of your kids died that would be a time to pick up a drink and they said for my head to go there well it demonstrated how much my drinking was driving the train.
And so for me too. I was prepared to lose the relationship (and I quickly decided that was an option) rather than putting my own behavior into check. At the time nothing was going to get in the way of my next drink.
I was functioning, going to work, etc etc but I was hiding how much i was drinking...hiding bottles of wine and how much of them I had drunk or bought. Keeping boxes of wine in the boot of the car or in cupboards that he rarely went into. I can remember countless episodes when on holiday where I would go the bar without him knowing to get a few in before he arrived.
My decision to stop drinking this year on the 4th January was arrived at without anything said by him. (Some maybe 4 months after his message but nothing to do with that message). I woke up that morning after downing over 2 bottles of wine the night before and said "Enough now".
Probability would suggest your husband is a fairly heavy drinker. Hiding it, lying, driving to dispose of bottles well it all smacks of someone who is fairly heavily entrenched in their drinking "career". For you to not know all of this, well unfortunately he isnt the man you think he is. The advice of the posters who have lived with people like me they are your mentors on this one now. Meeting people from AlAnon also will help you make sense of what to do next.
And just for the record. If the shoe had been on the other foot, I would have left after that evening with the kids. I wouldnt have even sent the message.
All the very best to you Xx
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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Originally Posted by Awal
Sorry but what are dds?
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Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by soberista
As a recovering alcoholic I would say that it didnt really matter to me what my partner said with regards to my drinking.
congratulations on your sobriety, I wish you well!
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Originally Posted by honeypig
I could have written this same thing when I first came to SR a little over 5 years ago. I think the phrase I used to describe how I felt was "as if I'm standing at the edge of a cliff and it's slowly crumbling away underneath me." Each new piece of information was fitting into a pattern that I DID NOT want to be true. Like you, I felt I was learning that the person I thought was my rock and my refuge was nothing at all like I'd believed, and that my life had been built on lies, lies and more lies for the last 20 years.
It IS terrifying. I feel for you, b/c I remember all too well how scared I was.
So take a deep breath. And one more. Then start doing what dandy suggested and read the stickies. Read around the forum, and post in other threads--those who get the most benefit from this forum (or Alanon or any other sort of recovery) are those who are the most actively engaged. You don't have to make any big decisions now, or take any actions you're not ready for. In fact, it's better if you wait until you've gotten a little education for yourself and have built a support system, since clearly the one you thought you had isn't really there.
I'd strongly recommend Alanon for some face-to-face support. Not all groups are great, and not everyone benefits from Alanon, but for me, it was definitely part of the recovery program, along with SR and lots and lots of reading as well as listening to podcasts and books on CD. Healing and growth have come in a lot of different flavors and colors for me, and it's all important.
As others have said, HE is not going to change until he chooses to do the work. It sounds like he's a long way from that yet. And again, to echo others, you DO have choices. You may not like them but you have them.
You say you work part-time and that this limits your choices. Could you increase your hours or take another part-time job, so you'd be able to support yourself if needed? Realize that there may have been far more money going out the window for his drinking than you could ever imagine (that was certainly my case). Taking a hard look at your finances might be a good place to start. Just like Anvilhead said, you need to see specifically what it is that you fear, and then figure out what to do about it.
Take some time, get your feet on the ground again, and educate yourself about alcoholism. You'll start to see more clearly when you learn more. Hope you continue to post here, and hope you get yourself to Alanon ASAP. If you can find a meeting tonight, I'd suggest going!
*** Let me also add that I heard endless promises about quitting from him, which were never true. We are divorced 3 years now, and so far as I know, he continues to drink and continues to pretend he doesn't.
I also want to mention that I am 58, not far behind you in age, and you and I are NOT the oldest ones here, by FAR!
It IS terrifying. I feel for you, b/c I remember all too well how scared I was.
So take a deep breath. And one more. Then start doing what dandy suggested and read the stickies. Read around the forum, and post in other threads--those who get the most benefit from this forum (or Alanon or any other sort of recovery) are those who are the most actively engaged. You don't have to make any big decisions now, or take any actions you're not ready for. In fact, it's better if you wait until you've gotten a little education for yourself and have built a support system, since clearly the one you thought you had isn't really there.
I'd strongly recommend Alanon for some face-to-face support. Not all groups are great, and not everyone benefits from Alanon, but for me, it was definitely part of the recovery program, along with SR and lots and lots of reading as well as listening to podcasts and books on CD. Healing and growth have come in a lot of different flavors and colors for me, and it's all important.
As others have said, HE is not going to change until he chooses to do the work. It sounds like he's a long way from that yet. And again, to echo others, you DO have choices. You may not like them but you have them.
You say you work part-time and that this limits your choices. Could you increase your hours or take another part-time job, so you'd be able to support yourself if needed? Realize that there may have been far more money going out the window for his drinking than you could ever imagine (that was certainly my case). Taking a hard look at your finances might be a good place to start. Just like Anvilhead said, you need to see specifically what it is that you fear, and then figure out what to do about it.
Take some time, get your feet on the ground again, and educate yourself about alcoholism. You'll start to see more clearly when you learn more. Hope you continue to post here, and hope you get yourself to Alanon ASAP. If you can find a meeting tonight, I'd suggest going!
*** Let me also add that I heard endless promises about quitting from him, which were never true. We are divorced 3 years now, and so far as I know, he continues to drink and continues to pretend he doesn't.
I also want to mention that I am 58, not far behind you in age, and you and I are NOT the oldest ones here, by FAR!
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So...to keep things calm for now l have told P that i feel l may have misjudged him. His mood has lifted. He is chatting again. This of course doesn't mean that l believe ive misjudged him or that this is settled in my mind...far from it. But at this point l need to avoid further stress while l examine the whole situation. He seems prepared to move on from all the upset. Whatever he is doing in the background of our relationship won't be revealed unless he wants to reveal it. I've been out for the day with a friend and for a while forgot this sorry mess...l need to do this more often.
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Getting defensive and making it your problem is most definitely classic alcoholic behavior. I did something similar with an ex boyfriend of mine when he would catch me in the act or find evidence of my drinking -- I would try to frame it as him being controlling and judgmental, then shift the focus to whatever my current stressors were and how insensitive he was being. At the time, I know at the time I felt a kind of self-preservation instinct, almost akin to fight or flight when someone threatened my ability to drink. Part of me was aware that I was lying, but another part of me felt that I had to lie. It's very difficult to explain. Obviously years later in retrospect I identify all of this as my addiction talking.
Here is a really great explanation of the way addiction changes the brain and our cognitive functions, as explained by a doctor who went through addiction himself:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2emgrRoT2c
He does a really great job of explaining clinical diagnoses with anecdotes and humor. It's about an hour long, but seriously worth the watch!
Here is a really great explanation of the way addiction changes the brain and our cognitive functions, as explained by a doctor who went through addiction himself:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2emgrRoT2c
He does a really great job of explaining clinical diagnoses with anecdotes and humor. It's about an hour long, but seriously worth the watch!
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
Originally Posted by Awal
So...to keep things calm for now l have told P that i feel l may have misjudged him. His mood has lifted. He is chatting again. This of course doesn't mean that l believe ive misjudged him or that this is settled in my mind...far from it. But at this point l need to avoid further stress while l examine the whole situation. He seems prepared to move on from all the upset. Whatever he is doing in the background of our relationship won't be revealed unless he wants to reveal it. I've been out for the day with a friend and for a while forgot this sorry mess...l need to do this more often.
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Originally Posted by Clover71
Do what you have to do for you for now. Take the time you need to observe and figure things out, and by all means take care of yourself during this time frame.. It took me quite some time to reach a decision. My situation was "the same." I always wanted to believe he was stressed and there was a reason, etc etc. We are now together short term (hopefully) for financial reasons.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Has your relationship been pretty open - communication wise, up until now?
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Originally Posted by Awal
Did he admit the drinking to you eventually?
Well, he couldn't deny it. There were tears, admissions, and reasons given. He even said he didn't want to drink as much. This was off an on over a 7 year period which turned into 10 years. At first I thought I could deal with it, and after a long time and some time away from him (long story) I decided I could not. I spent many years wishing he had not fallen asleep while I was talking to him, and many years wishing he would just fall asleep. He knows now we are not staying together and I hope that he stops for himself and our kids, but he is an adult and is free to live his life the way he wants
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Had he just not mentioned the debts or had he said he was debt free?
Why is he in debt. Not judging him by the way, lots of people have debt, that's not earth-shattering. He doesn't gamble does he?
Why is he in debt. Not judging him by the way, lots of people have debt, that's not earth-shattering. He doesn't gamble does he?
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Originally Posted by Clover71
Well, he couldn't deny it. There were tears, admissions, and reasons given. He even said he didn't want to drink as much. This was off an on over a 7 year period which turned into 10 years. At first I thought I could deal with it, and after a long time and some time away from him (long story) I decided I could not. I spent many years wishing he had not fallen asleep while I was talking to him, and many years wishing he would just fall asleep. He knows now we are not staying together and I hope that he stops for himself and our kids, but he is an adult and is free to live his life the way he wants
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Originally Posted by VigilanceNow
Getting defensive and making it your problem is most definitely classic alcoholic behavior. I did something similar with an ex boyfriend of mine when he would catch me in the act or find evidence of my drinking -- I would try to frame it as him being controlling and judgmental, then shift the focus to whatever my current stressors were and how insensitive he was being. At the time, I know at the time I felt a kind of self-preservation instinct, almost akin to fight or flight when someone threatened my ability to drink. Part of me was aware that I was lying, but another part of me felt that I had to lie. It's very difficult to explain. Obviously years later in retrospect I identify all of this as my addiction talking.
Here is a really great explanation of the way addiction changes the brain and our cognitive functions, as explained by a doctor who went through addiction himself:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2emgrRoT2c
He does a really great job of explaining clinical diagnoses with anecdotes and humor. It's about an hour long, but seriously worth the watch!
Here is a really great explanation of the way addiction changes the brain and our cognitive functions, as explained by a doctor who went through addiction himself:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2emgrRoT2c
He does a really great job of explaining clinical diagnoses with anecdotes and humor. It's about an hour long, but seriously worth the watch!
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Awal, please be careful of your circumstances. He's keeping secrets now, and he's done it before. I'm not saying he's a bad person, but he has history, and it would be worth thinking about having a security fund just in case.
I'm not saying anything about your relationship, but keep your own welfare in mind as well as his.
I'm not saying anything about your relationship, but keep your own welfare in mind as well as his.
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