ToughChoices

You could go to Al-Anon (or Ala-Teen, depending on your age!).

The meetings are for friends and family of alcoholics, and I've found them very helpful.

My alcoholic is my husband. I wanted to help him more than anything else in the world. But trying to help, making myself available, listening to his rants, changing my daily routine in hopes that it would help him, was driving me CRAZY.

People can recover from alcoholism. It happens everyday. I've FINALLY figured out that I play very little (if any) role in helping an alcoholic find recovery. They find it when they're ready - but it sucks to watch them self-destruct in the meantime.

I had to move out. I can't give my husband recovery, and I can't watch him hurt himself. It hurts me too much.

Hugs to you today.
-TC

Bernadette

hi christina--
welcome!
I have 3 alcoholic brother - one is sober from alcohol but smokes weed 24/7 (and knowing what you know about allcoholism u know why that is sadly preferable *sigh*)
my other 2 brothers are struggling with recovery right now. These 2 bros have been drinking for more than 20 years.

I felt as you did when I was in my early twenties. I was in so much pain. I can tell you that AlAnon turned my head around. Completely.

I had a very very hard time accepting there was NOTHING I could do to get my bros to stop drinking. I was also in denial about what a huge step it is for the alcoholic to change- I just wanted them to stop drinking and thought everything would "return" or become normal.... I had alot to learn about what exactly alcoholism/addiction does to a person's brain.

It was accepting reality and making decisions based on what was really going on that I needed help with. AlAnon provided just the help I needed, and it was free and anonymous. SR didn't exist when I was in my twenties - but I am glad you found it because I have also found a huge support in reading and posting here. Levels out my thinking.

I had to go through a period of loving my bros but from a distance. I cannot help them beat the demon addiciton. They are adults and have the right to live their lives as they choose. I love them to pieces and feel a lot of pity and compassion for them - but I choose how, when and in what capacity I actually interact with them. And when I do see them if I start to feel uncomfortable - like whenthey start drinking I just leave- not pissy or anything - i just say well I gotta go! Kisses. Byeeeeeeeeeee!

Give yourself a little space and time to start educating yourself. Allow yourself some peace - get some earplugs, move his game Tv to a room where you can't hear it- whatever it takes -- baby steps will still get you places.

(((hugs))) you're not alone. Keep reading around here, and maybe look into AlAnon meetings--- and hey chin up! Your post may mark the first day of a great journey of recovering YOU!!!

Peace-
B

inahaze

I used to be a big ole #1, now I've moved into more of a #3.

In the beginning years I tried to make it keep looking good so I could pretend to play house. I was told I didn't cook, clean or do anything right. I was secluded from my family, lost all my friends and completely isolated accept from the few people that came around because we had the "party house". I did end up making a couple of friends and they both tried to get me to see that it was okay if I left. I was married though so I stayed, because I thought I was screwing up.

Alcohol wasn't a factor in all of our horrible fights, but it was never to far away. I thought the reasons he acted so badly to me was because I wasn't good enough. I've had things thrown at me, he put his fist through a window above my head(about killed himself by nicking an artery that time and I didn't even care, maybe I was to detatched from everything), he's screamed and yelled every obscenity and threat that I could ever imagine and still somehow I thought it was something I did wrong.

I had two kids during this BS and began to see some light, though not enough to warrant a permanent seperation. I validated this because his drinking started going down and the violent, abusive arguments decreased.

Now that I'm older and came to realize that there's a big world out there things look much more differently. It's very hard for me to forgive the past occurances, especially when he still drinks. I realize his little snide comments are a means of degrading me. I know I'm not psycho for being upset with his drinking. I know it affects me and my kids negatively. I know he uses every excuse for drinking and snapping, work was tough, house was a mess, dogs in the house, son was screaming, daughter cried to much, I was to distant, I'm not affectionate enough, etc....

I believe I moved to #3 because I got tired of covering it up and this makes me know I'm not so crazy, that it's not in my head. This forum has helped a lot, really I'm not psycho.

I feel fortunate though because things have sort of fallen in place for me to move in the near future, I just have to have the strength to follow through and stand strong.

I'm tired of being #1,2 and 3.

christina4489

Thank you SOOO much Bernadette! I find comfort in knowing there is someone out there who has/is going thru the same thing I am.
Its so hard to come to the acceptance that me and him will not have that picture perfect brother/sister relationship I was hoping for.
I guess I just have to keep telling myself I did the best I could, he's made his bed and now he has to lay on it. Loving him for a distance is going to be really hard and I am not too sure how to do it but there's a little glimmer of hope that I will find it here and in the Alnon meetings. I'm going to attend my first one tomorrow. Dont know what to expect but I'm relieved to know that there's an outlet for someone like us to vent/learn.
Once again thank you so much for your kind words of wisdom and compassion.
I'm extremely appreciative.

Bernadette

Heya christinna4489--

So glad to hear you're gonna try AlAnon. I pretty much sobbed my way through my first few meetings, just listened and let the river flow! No one seemed to mind. I guess they had all seen THAT before!

Its so hard to come to the acceptance that me and him will not have that picture perfect brother/sister relationship I was hoping for.

OMG it really really is.
Acceptance is really the key to your serenity.
I had to mourn who my brothers became but I also (it took a while though) am now in a place where I am just so grateful that I had my brothers and had all the fun we had as kids. They were always there for me (our dad was an alcoholic!). I cherish those memories now. But no question it is hard to look at them today and not feel sad - I wish my teenage sons could have known the brothers I knew - but its reality and I only get into trouble when I refuse to accept reality!

Good luck and stick around-- if u post a new thread you'll be amazed at all the wisdom & support that shines through on this board--it has helped me immensely.
Peace-
B.

crochetlady

Hello everyone
Since my last posting my husband has gone to his 3 year ann. of sobriety. Im so proud of him. Many of you told me that it was something that he wanted and needed to do himself. You were right. It takes alot of patient and sometimes pusing him to go meeting but he has a great sponsor who lives around the corner and they go to meeting and church 3 times aweek.I never really thought it would happen but with faith and purserverance and just believeing in him it has finally happened. He was so pround when he got his 3 yrs coin. as well am I. I know one day at a time and sometimes one minute at a time. Unfortunatley like many he has been layed off from work. but he still keep plugging through. If ever God was putting hin to the test he is now.
I hope everyone the best and will keep in touch. thank you everyone for your support. It means more than I can say.
God Bless you all

crochetlady

jackthedog

When my AH goes out and drinks and doesn't come home until 6 hours later, I am distant from him the next day and not openly mean, but I am not feeling the love either. He has never not been able to get home or get the key in the door. But it still bothers me. It is like he doesn't care about us as much as the alcohol.

Bernadette

It is like he doesn't care about us as much as the alcohol.

Yeah sadly, that IS what it is like - because that is the truth. An alcoholic does care about booze more than themselves, more than their family, more than anything. True of every addict.

I know in my pre-Alanon relationships with the As in my life - if I was basically ignoring drunken episodes I was sending a message that there was no consequence to alcoholic behavior. It had consequences for me, and my children, but the A got to keep doing the same hurtful thing over and over and it was OK. The message was: this is an acceptable part of our relationship.

And that's fine if it doesn't really bother me. But when I am are roiling inside and making myself miserable because of someone else's drinking, then that would be unhealthy for me! And would sort of mean my relationship isn't very reality-based or authentic - which is quite the "norm" in alcoholic families.

Peace- B

fourmaggie

did anyone get the second part? the link is no good?

preachesmayhem

The link for part two doesn't work. =(

BodkinVanHorn

I think I started out as 1 but then after our child came kind of rocked 2 and 3 preeeettty hard. I'm leaving my ABF, I think, at the end of the month. I feel so amazingly free about it. I still love him, but I can't be treated like this in my own home. I wouldn't want my daughter to ever ever ever think that to be in a relationship like this is normal or healthy. Is that bad? I'm confused right now and def. a codie. :x

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I hope you will continue to read and post on this wonderful site. You have found a place of support and information.

This is an older thread, started several years ago, and some of the original members are no longer active. May I gently suggest starting a new thread of your own and introduce yourself ~ you will get more feedback on your own thread.

Welcome BodKinVanHorn

m1k3

Close but not quite.

Al-anon does teach you to focus on yourself. In my case I was suffering from PTSD from years of living with an alcoholic. I needed to do work to fix myself and Al-anon gave me a great set of tools and support to do that.

Al-anon does not teach you to ignore the 26,000 pound elephant in the living room but it does teach you that you are not responsible for their recovery. That has to be their own responsibility. It teaches that you don't have the power or the right to try and change the elephant into a cute, friendly puppy. It won't happen and all it does is annoy the elephant. Only the elephant has the right and the ability to change and even then only if it is willing to put in the work.

Al-anon does let the decision to stay or leave up to each person. Just as I can't own my alcoholic's recovery, I can't own the recovery of anybody else in the rooms except mine. Each person is given the right to make their own decisions as they choose.

Al-anon is not for everybody but it has been a huge help for me and many others that post on this forum.

Your friend,

DefofLov

Awesome explanation Mike.

Hypatia

I'm finding that provocation is the hardest for me to handle at the moment. I keep telling myself not to provoke, not to nag or bitch or be a miserable hag. But as soon as he stumbles in the door.... whoosh! out go all my best of intentions and it is like some other woman is speaking. The calm, rational, detached woman with lots of experience in dealing with mentally ill people suddenly is transformed into an angry gal who wants to strike out and hurt him.

Detachment is really hard. It is that lack of detachment which is making it tough for me to stop the provocation. I usually manage to hold back, but my stress level gets really high with all that unspoken ranting. There are still times when I just can't stay silent but hey, I'm only human. And so I take some time and write long diatribes on my laptop. And then after letting it all out, I simply close the document without saving. And it is gone. And the worst of my feelings go with it.

Learning to live day-to-day means that each morning is a fresh start. Instead of feeling guilty for saying something I shouldn't have, (and which AH likely doesn't remember anyway) there is a whole new day ahead of me for new mistakes.

DefofLov

Alucard,

I saw your opinion. You said something along the lines of Al-Anon does not work for you and left you standing in a ton of elephant poop. You also said you are standing by your opinion.

And you are absolutely right to stand by your opinion. We are all entitled to process our own journey and figure out what works for us.

In turn, I agree with Mike. The program works for me. It is my lifeline. It is helping me to give up my old ways and learn healthier ways of coping. The slogans help to restore me to sanity. The meetings are as important as the air I breathe. Whereas Al-Anon left you standing in elephant poop, it gave me the courage to change and walk away from it with dignity and hope for a better future.

Again, that is how it has worked *for me* and like Mike said it doesn't work for everyone. And that is totally okay. It is not my business how it works for someone else nor to tell someone how it works for someone else.

Love and Light,

Lily

Alucard

It left me standing in a ton of elephant poop while taking the emphasis off the alcoholic, while I was chanting the three C's.....While this didnt work at all for me, my attorney reached a gloved hand towards me, pulled me out and told me "You are standing in a pile of elephant poop...let me show you a way out"....this is called "divorce".....Al Anon did not work for me, as it was not pro active enough. I am a pro active type. I wanted out of the drunk's life, not trite sayings and a way of thinking that had me stay in the center of the earthquake, telling myself everything was ok as I couldnt control the force of nature. I may not be able to do that, but I can move away from the faultline permanently.

Thumper

Some of us have been in that living room for years, since the day we were born even. We have children on the couches and years worth of memories in the corners. We put our feet up on that elephant and watch TV. We are unable to see or walk towards the door. The windows are sealed with all that elephant poop. Al-anon clears the way. It lets us see the extended hands of the lawyers or domestic abuse counselors or family and friends or even just the front yard. Al-anon does not keep us rooted, it allows us to 'see' and then make decisions.

You obviously did not need that help. You 'saw' rather quickly and you didn't have chains holding you down. They are imagined chains (children, the confusion of co dependency, financial vulnerability, isolation) or real chains linked with years of fear and violence. Either way they feel real until al-anon or some other self discovery happens so we can see that they are chains we put there, not the elephant. People need help with that stuff and many have found help through al-anon.

I think people get defensive because while no one says al-anon is the end all be all or that it works for everyone, it feels a little invalidating to read the broad strokes you paint with. It is not trite or a way to stay put if it is the one thing that got so many out.

Alucard

To me, no elephant=no chains. My life was serene and peaceful and normal before the drunk was invited in. Then, the drunk came in. The serenity, peacefulness and normality was replaced with stress, anxiety, tension and surrealness. Then the drunk was unceremoniously, coldly and callously told where to go and how fast. Exit the drunk. Enter, peacefulness, normality and serenity once again. Al Anon was trying to teach me, to ignore the 26,000 pound elephant in the room with the gallon of Schmirnoff, and all the elephant droppings, with the three C's and taking the focus off the alcoholic, ect. In essence, to close my eyes with my hands in the cookie jar and I'm invisible. Didnt work for me then, doesnt now, wont in the future.

BlueSkies1

Alucard--ok, you are going forward with your divorce...good.
But that doesn't mean that you have nothing to work out with how you got re-involved with her in the first place.
Alanon shifts the focus onto ourselves for that reason. We all need to look at what part we played, and how to better our own lives. That's what this forum is for; not simply for ranting about the alcoholic in anger.