megamysterioso

I too have looked at my AH with MUCH disgust and resentment (never wished him dead-lol), so I think it's a natural reaction. When you sit back and witness a person that you once loved totally disregard themselves, you and your marriage in favor or alcohol, drugs, denial and misery, it at first is painful and then it simply becomes intolerable and disgusting. When it is painful for you, you try the nagging, the pleading, the begging , et cetera. Your intentions are in all the right places- you're trying to get the A "to see the light." The nagging, begging, bailing our As out of trouble, etc. is enabling the A to continue his/her cycle. He/she realizes that regardless of how hurt or angry you seem, you are still there right where you've always been- really making no changes. As become masters of knowing exactly what our buttons are and when and when not to push them.

If you your experience is like mine, when you stop trying to control the situation and simply look at it for what it is, it sickens you. You cannot believe the state he's in and you also cannot believe that you somehow "allowed" yourself to be in this position. The man you once loved is no longer there.

You sound extremely miserable. Forget him for a minute. If you are emotionally dead, in some ways, he has "won." Regardless of you feel about him, you need to emotionally well so that you can live your OWN life and enjoy it. Please focus on yourself and things that you can do that will make you happy. If you're usually home every night and you have friends you enjoy spending time with, get away from your A and spend time with these friends. Focus on yourself and what makes you happy. Your AH will do what he wants to do regardless and you can't change it. You do not have to sit there and witness it every night. Sitting there and wishing him dead will NOT benefit you in anyway shape or form. Please continue to read and post here. This site is all about self-recovery- of learning how to emotionally heal ourselves after being raked over the coals. It is not about our AHs and how we can change them. We can only change ourselves.

Feel free to email me any time and I hope things get better for you.

gf of brit guy

I am replying to doug's 1 2, 3 scenario. I believe I am number 1. he often falls asleep outside in my backyard while talking/drinking on the telephone. I wake up at 3am to see where he is since I don't see him in my bed. He's fallen asleep in a chair in the backyard with a wine bottle and cans of beer near him. I wake him up and get him inside. Clean the bottles and cans, then go back to sleep. He lives with my mom and I. And my mom is against drinking. She knows he drinks some.. but doesn't know how much. I ask him in the morning if he remembers my waking him up to bring him inside. he says "no". I tell him that it's not a good idea to fall asleep outside since my mom could find him. He knows he's got to keep it good with her. so this sounds like the rescuer to me. And just recently, I basicaslly nursed him back to health. He had a very bad virus and since his liver was swollen, it took him a very long time to recover.. just over 2 weeks. Of fever varions from 99 to 104. He was miserable. cold sweats all through the night. I took him to the emergency room 2 different times since he wasn't getting better. (where we found out he had the swollen liver.. so glad that happened, so at least he knows he is hurting himself) He is finally feeling better. BUT We don't even have the results back from the last blood test. And he had some guiness on St. Patricks' day and I am almost positive he drank last night, Saturday as well. I absolutely have no respect for him. I am very healthy.. how can he do this to himself? He says he is alright. Yeah sure. I am the one researching to find out what vitamins to give him to help him recover. I loved that he didn't drink for 4 weeks. I am rambling I know. If someone is reading this, thanks for listening. I pay for his health insurance, car insurance and mobile phone. And he has no bank account. He says he wants to make more money. He just always seems to spend it the wrong way when he gets it. Now and then he gives me some money. But, overall can't care for himself. It's really too bad. I feel if I end this with him, he will not make it. I am almost 100 percent sure of this.

WayneNVa

[B]Hello Yall im new to this site and would like to know a little more about it .. im from Hampton Roads Va .. thank you..
Wayne

megamysterioso

Hi Wayne and welcome to SR. This is a great community of folks that have experience with addiction. There are forums for drugs, alcohol, smoking, overeating... You will find great support here. What is your situation and maybe I can't point you to the appropriate forum?

Janitw

Doug - I have been all of the above and more....

Pick-a-name

I would say "yes", and go so far as to say most of us have that problem. They don't feel they have a problem (it's the rest of us that have the problem..with them) ha. Frustrating.......and SO MANY enablers waiting in "the wings"...ugh.

I started learning how to "give his disease back to him"; Not just to ignore things.and I am finding it to be very helpfyl..mostly to me! I have (tried) giving up "smoothing things over", "mothering',etc...basically treating him like a child. Why would he stop doing this stuuff when I am the one cleaning up all the crap in its path? Hello! What was I thinking?! OK.in "normal" relationships (I was under the false assumption I was in one) you expect certain things and behavior (maybe another wrong assumption). Enabling to me is sometimes when I act like a doting mother of a toddler having a tantrum instead of saying "enough" and tuning out the "noise",etc and doing what I need to do. The by-product of that is he can choose if it is working for him or not,too.

I am still working on this whole thing, but it is starting to sink in and get clearer. I think the key is learning how to re-focus on myself; I gave that up thinking I was helping AH...I was not helping him and I certainly was not helping myself. How is going to help me? especially when I am not?

SundayGirl

interesting observation on how people respond/react/cope with alcoholics - all very normal reactions indeed and certainly not worth beating oneself up about, to say you're enabling is just blaming yourself for the alcoholics drinking surely? and i thought al anon was about not coping/causin/curing the drinking - doesn't that contradtict all this? If the alkie wants to stop, they will - no matter how their spouse is reacting/responding. I have just decided that i have had enough, i've spent the last 20 years of my life humouring/bargaining with/pleading with/being angry with/being honest with/buying stopping drinking literature for/visiting in hospital/crying over my dad with the drinking problem, and i want absolutely nothing to do with him any more, i have had enough! i have given so much i have nothing left to give, and if the selfish b*stard can't understand why, then the alcohol has obviously pickled his brain more than i thought!

denny57

Hi SundayGirl

Hope you'll join us over in Friends and Family.

Recognizing enabling behavior in myself allowed me to not blame myself for the drinker's behavior. We learn we didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. In other words, no blame whatsoever. But i can learn to accept blame for my own part in the relationship. Make any sense?

p.s. love your avatar

suzieq12

i have taken my first step to helping myself today. I am a true #2. i realize that i cannot day or do anything to stop my husband's drinking, 7 yrs. now, but i need to know what to do to help myself to be a survivor, and happy again. i love him, and it tears me up to watch him destroying hiself, and i don't know why, this is the hardest thing for me to face, is it me, i don't think so, but why is he doing this? he says he loves me, but i don't think so anymore... he just wants the attention of everyone around him. getting worse by the day. i'm not even sure how this site works, but i do hope that i can get online and someday find some answers. i feel so alone, all of the time. i will post this message and see if it worked. thanks all for letting me know that i really am not aone...

denny57

Welcome, suzieq, glad you are here

You are going to find a lot of people here who understand and will lend support.

Why don't you start a new thread in the forum - you get lots of responses that way.

You've taken an important first step - reaching out for help. Keep coming back.

michellem4

Good post. I'm usually a mild #2. Used to be #1, before i got too frustrated. So what are you supposed to do? To not enable? Seems to me there needs to be a consequence.

deax

I was mainly the Provoker. I was awful sometimes but I don't blame myself in retrospect anymore, like I used to. I was at the end of my rope and didn't KNOW how else to react at the time.

LGLG07

im learning so much about myself just by reading these posts .
i am definitely a provoker . i never let up . i think i get power over
making sure my ah knows i am better than him . i dont like admitting
that . i never considered myself to be judgemental but here i am
judging him and keeping him down so that i can feel good . honestly
im not even sure im still in love with him . i daydream all the time about
being divorced from him and the only thing that makes it a nightmare is
that he will have the kids 2 wkds a month and subject them to his
dysfunctional family without me there to control the situation ..
uh oh .. did i just say that ?? im a controller too !!

Sunflower

hey everyone start new threads so we can join in

fluffyflea

Just staying with an A in an insane relationship is a form of enabling too.

Accepting their bad behavior.


Earthworm

christina4489

what is normal? how do you act normal around an alcoholic? Do you pretend that everything is ok? Do you calmly bring up the topic? what is normal? Someone please tell me.

christina4489

its my first time on this site. Finally decided that I need help in dealing with my brothers drinking problem. I'm all three. I'm the rescuer by not letting my parents know how bad he really is. (which I am sure they know but right now they are on vacation and I dont want them to worry about us). I've stayed up with him til the wee hours in the morning, listening to him ramble on about his problems (cause he doesn't want to talk about it when he is not drunk) I've spent that last three New Years with him because he is lonely, doesn't have friends to ring in the new year with him. and i just watch him drink beer after beer. I'm the provoker when I nag at him about his drinking. "how many beers have you had today?" When I have reached my breaking point, I point out his weaknesses and tell him our mother is gonna die of a heart attack because of him. (i know its wrong to say but its true! She's already a worry wart, high strung and depressed) I'm the Martyr when I call up my boyfriend and best friend and cry about how his drinking is affecting my happiness, my families well being, my sanity. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. I read in a post that you have to be normal. WHAT IS NORMAL? Do I ignore his drinking, his behavior? cause the times I have done so, I feel guilty and ashamed and responsible. Like I'm not being a good big sister. It seems like he is just pushing me away. The only person he is comfortable (whatever that means) in talking to. in confiding in. I thought I could help him, introduce him to my friends, so he can learn how to interact with people and not be afraid. I've ignored this dumb and socially awkward remarks when we are out as a group, and of course he is drunk....the only one drunk. I thought I could be his rock, but I failed him. I failed. I've lost hope. I dont not want to have a relationship with him. I want my future kids to know him and love him. I dont want my mom (who is a BIG TIME ENABLER) to pick his side. And I know she will. I dont know what to do.

christina4489

How do you leave your brother? He's my blood. Not a boyfriend I can walk away from.

ToughChoices

Welcome to the forum, Christina!

I remember when I first realized that loving someone did not make me responsible for their choices. How freeing! It's not my job to convince my alcoholic to make healthier choices. It's not my job to sacrifice my sanity so that the alcoholic can (maybe, perhaps) be a little more comfortable.

You can love your brother without driving yourself crazy about his drinking.

In AL-Anon we learn the 3 C's:
You didn't cause it.
You can't cure it.
You can't control it.

You don't have to abandon your brother, but it might help you to spend a little time thinking about how you can take care of yourself when he starts drinking and you start worrying.
Can you distance yourself when he's consuming alcohol?

Check out the Stickies (older threads with A LOT of good info) at the top of the page. Keep posting - I'm glad you're here!

-TC

christina4489

Thank you TC for your reply.
He usually drinks at night and doesn't stop until the early morning. We're usually in bed by then. It used to be worse. He would drink, wake us up, pick fights. Now he just drinks and plays his games. But ever since my parents left for a vacation, he drinks and plays his games super loud. I thought by having my boyfriend (they both get along) over last night that he might tone it down (since we both have work in the morning) and it didn't work. We woke up at 4am with his noise. I stayed in bed, ignoring it. But lost my temper when I found my wallet broken. apparently he was trying to get into my wallet. I exploded. said some things I probably shouldn't have said. and now i'm at work worrying if he'll do something stupid to himself or to me. I know the brother I knew would not hurt me, but I know that alcoholic will. I've tried in the past to come home late at night (a time when I think he might have passed out) but the guilt I feel for not being there is overbearing at times. I know when he's drunk he has the "courage" to confide in me and i feel guilty for not being there. I cant do it anymore.
Is there anything else I can do besides ignore?