There are many ways to enable an alcoholic
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Dan,
Back on the main page for Friends and Family... you should see a button labeled "New Thread." (Upper left hand corner... under the Sober Recovery Header). That will take you to a page where you can start your own thread.
Look forward to hearing from you!
Shannon
Back on the main page for Friends and Family... you should see a button labeled "New Thread." (Upper left hand corner... under the Sober Recovery Header). That will take you to a page where you can start your own thread.
Look forward to hearing from you!
Shannon
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Canandaigua NY
Posts: 8
was finally picked up
Hello everyone.
well it finally happened. my husband was picked up for DWI./ is presently incarcerated and awaiting to see what will happen with all this. im so stressed out and scared to death. it is his second offense in 10 yrs. Im totally disabled and right now just living on my income. he's doing ok. not sure what will happen either. can someone please advice me of what will happen and does he really realize now after this has happened many times. before i knew him. that its really serious. has lost job now. health insurance. everything except the house and me. need some really strong advice and what to do. thanks
well it finally happened. my husband was picked up for DWI./ is presently incarcerated and awaiting to see what will happen with all this. im so stressed out and scared to death. it is his second offense in 10 yrs. Im totally disabled and right now just living on my income. he's doing ok. not sure what will happen either. can someone please advice me of what will happen and does he really realize now after this has happened many times. before i knew him. that its really serious. has lost job now. health insurance. everything except the house and me. need some really strong advice and what to do. thanks
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
crochetlady - why don't you post this as a new thread. you're liable to get more responses that way. go to the thread listing and in the upper left corner is the new thread button.
don't know what will happen - depends on state laws. my hubby got one in may and had one 20 some years ago and spent 3 days in jail and had to do mandatory OP program plus of course, suspended license.
does he realize? only he can answer that question. mine was back to drinking after his.
don't know what will happen - depends on state laws. my hubby got one in may and had one 20 some years ago and spent 3 days in jail and had to do mandatory OP program plus of course, suspended license.
does he realize? only he can answer that question. mine was back to drinking after his.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Dekalb, IL
Posts: 1
I am new to this site, but it's funny, b/c I just played the provoker, which has been my new role for a few months now. I was the rescuer for a while, but i got sick of that really quickly. Thanks for this post, it's funny how I found it at the right time. I am about ready to give up on the man I love b/c I don't know hwo to react. thanks, for giving me an answer to that.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Pietermaritzburg, South Africa
Posts: 1
Hi, I am new here. I have been reading all these posts and am getting very scared.My boyfriend is an aclcoholic. He has had a previous marriage, a 17 year long marriage and is currently undergoing rehabilitation. I am not sure anymore if I should get married to him or not.Right now we are in two different countries so the only means of communication is telephone or Instant messenger etc.
I have noticed that he tends to project - putting blame on me for anything. I stopped feeling guilty now and have started telling him that I am not responsible for things that are caused by his behaviour. He was meeting women for sex. I am not sure anymore if this will ever change. We are both over 50, and I am doubly cautious about moving to his country. Can someone give some advice, it will be much appreciated.
I have noticed that he tends to project - putting blame on me for anything. I stopped feeling guilty now and have started telling him that I am not responsible for things that are caused by his behaviour. He was meeting women for sex. I am not sure anymore if this will ever change. We are both over 50, and I am doubly cautious about moving to his country. Can someone give some advice, it will be much appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Nashville, TN
Posts: 1
cw ohio, HI
I just joined SRecovery and am having trouble figuring out
how to start a thread. I saw where people have advised others
to do so to get things started but for the life of me I can't figure out
how to do that! I am not so chat-room savvy - - really never have
done it before today! But I am active in AA here in Nashville and
have always heard about on-line meetings and thought I'd go to
the one on Sunday. Maybe you can help me figure out the thread
part of it all! Thank you and have a great evening!
I just joined SRecovery and am having trouble figuring out
how to start a thread. I saw where people have advised others
to do so to get things started but for the life of me I can't figure out
how to do that! I am not so chat-room savvy - - really never have
done it before today! But I am active in AA here in Nashville and
have always heard about on-line meetings and thought I'd go to
the one on Sunday. Maybe you can help me figure out the thread
part of it all! Thank you and have a great evening!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
hey all you newbies - welcome - there is a FAQ are that will probably answer those questions. in the meantime - grateful - go to the section you want to start a thread on - say newcomer to recovery and clkick on that title. that will take you to a listing page of all the posts under that section. there should be a "new thread" button in the uppoer left corner above the listings. click on that and type away. others will probably reply to your post welcoming you and sharing with you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: CALIFORNIA
Posts: 6
exactly what I want to know about. Where does it all stop? I don't know if I can find my way back here but sure looking forward to pg.2 ! I stepped out of my relationship, he has a sober day or three and I'm ready to run back home. CoDA? Enabling? Boundaries? Why is everything is so blurry?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: CALIFORNIA
Posts: 6
MargeSA.
Its my first time here and I hope I'm not out of line when I say RUN!!! Since you asked and my life parallel your Q.
My husband (yes) was fresh out of recovery and we've now been married 2 & 1/2 yrs. He has been sober maybe 1 year of that. If I could do-over, I'd wait to see what the next year showed me.
Old habits die hard. If he isn't activly seeking his recovery and totally committed to turning his will and life over to God - I'd RUN!
I love my husband but he leaves me every time he puts a drink to his lips - of course I feel betrayed and the arguements drag me back into who I was b/c - I am a new creation married to the terror of the past.
__________________
Its my first time here and I hope I'm not out of line when I say RUN!!! Since you asked and my life parallel your Q.
My husband (yes) was fresh out of recovery and we've now been married 2 & 1/2 yrs. He has been sober maybe 1 year of that. If I could do-over, I'd wait to see what the next year showed me.
Old habits die hard. If he isn't activly seeking his recovery and totally committed to turning his will and life over to God - I'd RUN!
I love my husband but he leaves me every time he puts a drink to his lips - of course I feel betrayed and the arguements drag me back into who I was b/c - I am a new creation married to the terror of the past.
__________________
Last edited by ibfree; 01-30-2006 at 08:22 PM. Reason: need a who to line
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: morrisonville Il
Posts: 2
Hi I am new to this so bear with me. I have been married for 16 years.Been through a lot with my hubby. No doubt about it I lve him But his drinking has gotten so much worse. I am definately a provoker although until tonight did not really understand that was what I am. I just figured if I kept bugging him about and threatening him maybe he would stop. You thinkI would figure out that wasn't working. So I am sure I am part of his "problem" Only I just don't know what to do. I feel really low. some days are better thanothers. All I know is htat I am so tired and I mean physically tired of being the "strong" one .
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
[QUOTE=rubiemae I feel really low. some days are better thanothers. All I know is htat I am so tired and I mean physically tired of being the "strong" one .[/QUOTE]
Welcome,Rubiemae. I am glad you found us. I know what you mean about being tired and low...I think all of us here do.
Stick around. There is lots of good advice to help you start to feel better.
Looking forward to getting to know you!
Welcome,Rubiemae. I am glad you found us. I know what you mean about being tired and low...I think all of us here do.
Stick around. There is lots of good advice to help you start to feel better.
Looking forward to getting to know you!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: morrisonville Il
Posts: 2
thanks..it does help knowing there is someone I can talk to and not be ashamed. I love my husband and most of the time he is great. although those times seem to be getting fewer and fewer. I'm not sure if I am just getting tired of holding on or or if I am causing the problem. My daungter moved out to college a couple of yearsago. thats when I became more aware of how much my life sucked. not that it was much different before but then there was a distraction...someone to carry on a conversation.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Midwest, Il
Posts: 11
Hi rubiemae. I'm new here, too. I just left my husband after 33 years of trying to hold on - waiting for him to grow up/grow out of his drinking problem.
My kids both left for college last fall, and I decided that my situation getting more and more intolerable. After a year of telling him to quit drinking or I was going to leave him, and daily arguments and emotional abuse (and almost physical abuse), I left.
Even leaving him didn't make him 'see the light'. Only after he lost control and beat up our middle, 23 year old son (who is a small 5'4", and 130 pounds to my husband's 200, 5'8" - mostly muscle meanness), did he realize that he truly had a problem -and got help.
Too late for us, but I hope he stays sober for the kids sake.
I'm thinking good thoughts for you and your situation. The final straw for me was when he wrote me a letter - in one of his apologetic periods - that told me he appreciated how I put up with his bad moods.
WHAT? He knew that he was putting me through hell, I mean, he really realized it, but he continued to do it because he knew that I'd PUT UP WITH IT?!!!
Ok - what was wrong with that picture? It was a total wake-up call, and to stay any longer would've been wrong of me. For my sake, and his.
Besides, like you said, he just plain wore me out, and I want peace and love in whatever time I have left on this earth.
*hugs*
My kids both left for college last fall, and I decided that my situation getting more and more intolerable. After a year of telling him to quit drinking or I was going to leave him, and daily arguments and emotional abuse (and almost physical abuse), I left.
Even leaving him didn't make him 'see the light'. Only after he lost control and beat up our middle, 23 year old son (who is a small 5'4", and 130 pounds to my husband's 200, 5'8" - mostly muscle meanness), did he realize that he truly had a problem -and got help.
Too late for us, but I hope he stays sober for the kids sake.
I'm thinking good thoughts for you and your situation. The final straw for me was when he wrote me a letter - in one of his apologetic periods - that told me he appreciated how I put up with his bad moods.
WHAT? He knew that he was putting me through hell, I mean, he really realized it, but he continued to do it because he knew that I'd PUT UP WITH IT?!!!
Ok - what was wrong with that picture? It was a total wake-up call, and to stay any longer would've been wrong of me. For my sake, and his.
Besides, like you said, he just plain wore me out, and I want peace and love in whatever time I have left on this earth.
*hugs*
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
Am I supposed to get over it?
My husband is an alcoholic and recovering drug addict. No kids, no house, no real assets for us to bicker over if we divorce. My problem- in the beginning of our marriage, I used to argue with him constantly about his drinking. I used to warn him that it would be the death of us. I even asked him, "beer or me?" and he said, "see ya." Why didn't I just leave then? Because I cared about our marriage and loved him and wanted us to be a happy couple.
After many arguments and unhappy moments, I asked his mother for advice. She has experience with this living and divorcing his alcoholic father and she told me that I needed to look out for myself first and foremost. She said that to self-preserve my own happiness and sanity, that I needed to cease the arguing as there is no winning an argument with a drunk. I thought that it was ridiculous at first to NOT make comments and share my feelings. In my mind, that equated to "not caring." Sure enough as time progressed, I tried this approach b/c I felt I would go nuts otherwise. I began to withdraw by ignoring the elephant in the room. I would spend nights alone in the bedroom watching tv while he got drunk alone on the sofa. All of this has put a great deal of distance between us, but at least we didn't spend every night, all night arguing. Now that I'm almost out the door, he is trying to make a positive change and atone for his mistakes. He cannot understand why I am now not happy about this. I feel too distanced and like it is too late for him to regain my love, trust and respect no matter what behaviors he changes. How and why are we the sober responsible for accepting, loving and seeing that our drunk is safe, "healed," loved? I don't want this kind of responsibility and feel that it is truly too big of burden for anyone to carry. Am I wrong?
After many arguments and unhappy moments, I asked his mother for advice. She has experience with this living and divorcing his alcoholic father and she told me that I needed to look out for myself first and foremost. She said that to self-preserve my own happiness and sanity, that I needed to cease the arguing as there is no winning an argument with a drunk. I thought that it was ridiculous at first to NOT make comments and share my feelings. In my mind, that equated to "not caring." Sure enough as time progressed, I tried this approach b/c I felt I would go nuts otherwise. I began to withdraw by ignoring the elephant in the room. I would spend nights alone in the bedroom watching tv while he got drunk alone on the sofa. All of this has put a great deal of distance between us, but at least we didn't spend every night, all night arguing. Now that I'm almost out the door, he is trying to make a positive change and atone for his mistakes. He cannot understand why I am now not happy about this. I feel too distanced and like it is too late for him to regain my love, trust and respect no matter what behaviors he changes. How and why are we the sober responsible for accepting, loving and seeing that our drunk is safe, "healed," loved? I don't want this kind of responsibility and feel that it is truly too big of burden for anyone to carry. Am I wrong?
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