My husband lapsed immediately after detox - help!

Old 04-05-2018, 01:00 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways View Post
Hi Dzhen, I don't know anything about home ownership laws in Australia. Do you have the right to kick him out? If he doesn't leave, could you find somewhere else to live?

It sounds like you have set a boundary. Usually setting boundaries are easy; it is sticking to them that is difficult.

I hope the time with your sister is healing, joyful and marvelous.
Hi Bekind, thanks so much for this. In answer to your question, no, I don't have the right to kick him out, unless he is violent (which he is not). We lease a place together (though I pay all the rent, and have done since the beginning) so changing the locks isn't an option either (and of course I wouldn't especially have the right to do that, either, except perhaps morally!) I have restated, in texts, that I need him to leave. My leaving is theoretically possible but I strongly feel that as I pay the rent, and need a stable base to go to work so I can continue to pay the rent, that he should be the one to go.

As for enforcing the boundary, it's so bloody hard. I'm avoiding speaking to him because I think I'll cave if I do. I'm far from joyful right now, but I am getting a lot of love and support from my sister and brother in law.
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Old 04-05-2018, 01:26 PM
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Update

Hi guys. Am with my sister now and even though she's busy, she's been really supportive. As it appears my husband doesn't intend to leave, we've been talking through a plan to encourage him to do so. I'm thinking of asking whether he can use some of our joint savings to go to a cheap airbnb for a while - a month at least. That way he won't have the 'I don't want to impose on a friend' excuse. We had been saving that money for more happy purposes - having a baby, buying a house, taking a holiday - but it's pretty clear to me that none of that is going to happen if he doesn't get better (well a holiday could, but our recent holidays have been nightmares).

As I mentioned to Bekindalways, I'm having trouble not caving, so it's a good thing we have some serious geographical distance between us. He texted yesterday with a clean, time-verified breathalyser result (yeah, we have a breathalyser - I couldn't ever be accused of turning a blind eye to the drinking!) and I responded that although I appreciate that, I still need him to leave (his response was 'ok' but that doesn't mean he actually agrees - he's good at saying 'ok' to keep the peace). But I've also texted with a recommendation that he find a forum like this and participate on it. True to form, I can't stop trying to fix him. Or is that level of encouragement acceptable? It's hard to know when I cross a line from being helpful to being codependent.

Anyway, as always, your thoughts are welcome. I need to go back home and to work at some stage - by Monday, most probably (though I'm going to talk to my boss about this today). So I guess I need to talk to him about my idea soon, or I'll arrive back to a flat with him still in it. I haven't heard from him since the above-mentioned text so it's also possible he is on a binge or has even gone already - or something in between. I do worry that he will binge and fall over or choke on his own vomit, but I guess I have to live with that possibility. When I'm away, I find I don't worry too much about what he's doing, because whatever it is, at least I don't have to witness it.

Today, I'm going to take my sister's adorable puppy for a walk to the beach and have a haircut.
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Old 04-05-2018, 01:53 PM
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When is your lease up? Often that can be the real catalyst for change and a way to finally separate and go separate ways.
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Old 04-05-2018, 02:26 PM
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"I'm having trouble not caving, so it's a good thing we have some serious geographical distance between us. "

^^^ Completely get this. I left the hemisphere where my qualifier lived. I would have caved so fast if I would have been around him.

Atalose, I was thinking the same thing. I myself would not be good at saying "get out" specially when I don't have that right but I could say, "Honey, I found a great studio for me when the lease is up. I hope you find a situation you like too." Hmmm . . . . writing that out sure sounds passive aggressive. Irk.
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Old 04-05-2018, 03:20 PM
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Atalose, I had stopped attending meetings because I was tired of his alcoholism being such a huge part of my life. I guess I didn't want to be a person who needed help for someone else's problem. I've now realised that if I want to stick with him, I need to start going again. In fact he and I have just written some rules about how we are going to proceed. There are ones about him attending counselling and support groups, and we've added one about me doing the same. (QUOTE).

Dzhen---What about the above "rules" about how you both are gong to proceed. Was there any plan for relapse? ...or, was relapse considered a possibility?

I realize that it is very, very tight, financially.
Do you have any family that is close enough for you to make it to work....?
Detox is good to get a person through the immediate withdrawl period, but it is not treatment....
Sounds like, from what you share...the disease has a grip on him....so, looking toward your own welfare and the things that you can actually control is what the current realities seem to call for.....
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Old 04-05-2018, 07:55 PM
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post
When is your lease up? Often that can be the real catalyst for change and a way to finally separate and go separate ways.
Hi atalose - it doesn't expire until January next year. So we have a way to go yet ... I think I'd need that time to really work out where this is heading anyway. (Plus, it's a great apartment and I was really lucky to get it, so VERY reluctant to give it up - of course will do so if is the only way I can resolve this.)
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Old 04-05-2018, 07:59 PM
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways View Post
"I'm having trouble not caving, so it's a good thing we have some serious geographical distance between us. "

^^^ Completely get this. I left the hemisphere where my qualifier lived. I would have caved so fast if I would have been around him.

Atalose, I was thinking the same thing. I myself would not be good at saying "get out" specially when I don't have that right but I could say, "Honey, I found a great studio for me when the lease is up. I hope you find a situation you like too." Hmmm . . . . writing that out sure sounds passive aggressive. Irk.
LOL. I does sound passive aggressive, but then maybe that's what's called for? I'm trying to do things the classy way, but it may not end up that way. One option for me is moving interstate, to be closer to my sister, but I really love where I live. It's probably the most satisfying part of my life right now.
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Old 04-05-2018, 11:55 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Atalose, I had stopped attending meetings because I was tired of his alcoholism being such a huge part of my life. I guess I didn't want to be a person who needed help for someone else's problem. I've now realised that if I want to stick with him, I need to start going again. In fact he and I have just written some rules about how we are going to proceed. There are ones about him attending counselling and support groups, and we've added one about me doing the same. (QUOTE).

Dzhen---What about the above "rules" about how you both are gong to proceed. Was there any plan for relapse? ...or, was relapse considered a possibility?

I realize that it is very, very tight, financially.
Do you have any family that is close enough for you to make it to work....?
Detox is good to get a person through the immediate withdrawl period, but it is not treatment....
Sounds like, from what you share...the disease has a grip on him....so, looking toward your own welfare and the things that you can actually control is what the current realities seem to call for.....
Hi dandylion, yeah, relapse was considered, and the consequence was sleeping in the spare room. But I've revised that now (perhaps unfairly, but hey, I think he's going to have to deal with that) to you drink, even once, you leave. And because he did drink, I'm implementing that straight away (no more chances).

No, unfortunately I don't have any family close by - the closest is an hour flight away (so by Australian standards, not THAT far away!). I've arranged with my manager to work from here for a while until he goes, but who knows how long that will take. I had a chat to him this afternoon. He believes him leaving won't fix anything but I restated quite firmly that I need him to do this so I can have space (plus restated my other reasons why I thought this might help him). He's still 'thinking about it' but I think he might be getting the message, albeit slowly, that I'm dead serious about this. Even though I was upset, I am quite proud of how I handled it. I kept it pretty short so I wasn't tempted to make any concessions.

Am very grateful to my family, friends, my boss and all you people for your support.
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Old 04-06-2018, 08:54 AM
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You've done all the planning and thinking now it's time to let go, rest yourself.


No problem is so big that it's urgent that you try to solve it before taking care of you. I remember 20 years ago when I went to the bank and said, "don't call me again. Call my husband. He's an alcoholic. Forclose on the mortgage if you need to." It was a turning point in my life. I had to completely leave my home up to the power of God. I had two young children at the time who needed a mommy who was mentally healthy, and trying to figure out every month how to fix the financial problem of my husband's drinking was not healthy for me. It was the right decision for me. It was also the decision that voted for treating a grown man with the respect to assume he could live up to his responsibilities. I had to accept what I couldn't control. I can only make decisions for me alone.
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Old 04-06-2018, 09:00 PM
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Originally Posted by Dzhen View Post
. I kept it pretty short so I wasn't tempted to make any concessions.
For me knowing what I wasn't capable of was as important as doing what I was able to do.

God speed Dzhen.
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Old 02-01-2019, 09:42 PM
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways View Post
For me knowing what I wasn't capable of was as important as doing what I was able to do.

God speed Dzhen.
Ditto this. All of it.

Dzhen, sending good wishes and prayers your way. Although this is an old thread, members often pop back in after some time. I hope all is well.

This thread speaks to my heart tonight.
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Old 02-05-2019, 11:11 PM
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Also, I want to support him to find a job, as this, I feel, is one of the keys to him getting better.
Commendable sentiment but there's nothing you can do or say to affect an alcoholic's drinking. You're seeing this as a cause and effect proposition: "if he had a job........", "if our marriage worked.......", he would stop drinking. He gets falling down drunk for one reason: he's an alcoholic.

He may get sober but that's on him. As a recovering alcoholic (27 years) I've never heard anyone say they got sober because of another person, a job, children, family/friends. He/she stops when the pain becomes too much or they have a scare (I almost died in a blackout). So take care of yourself, it's time for him to deal with the consequences of his actions and words.
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