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Beyond My Limits.......Guns Now?

Old 02-26-2018, 09:12 PM
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My emotional baggage
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Beyond My Limits.......Guns Now?

I feel bad posting because I don't want to scare others leaving an A if you have kids but I need to talking to people who might understand.

I left my XAH 6 years ago when my boys were 3 and 7. My story is way too long to repost but my leaving has not been the end of the stress. I would not EVER go back but it has been a rocky road. I had about a year when he was doing AA and it was actually quite good but everything is in ruins again.

My older son, 15, has not spoken or seen my XAH in about 13 months because of a court order because of verbal and the starting of physical abuse , at the time we couldn't prove he was drinking. The courts said my younger soon 9 now 10 gets limited visitation because the courts felt they had a different relationship.

There is a bunch in between, including a DUI last June, but here is the recent.

My son was acting out at school. (My XAH still had visitation, even with a DUI) I got 3-4 calls that week from the principal, acting out. I sat him down to see what was going on. I thought maybe some new friends. He said his Dad made him promise not to tell me something. Long story short, after a lot of guessing so he wouldn't feel as guilty as telling me, I guessed., it turns out my XAH, who is an retired police officer, was showing my son a new shotgun, in the house. While XAH was holding it, he pulled the trigger because he forgot he had loaded it, and blew a hole in the fireplace. All while sitting next to my 10 year old. I made my son promise not to tell or something very bad would happen.

My DS told me he though Dad was drinking again because he would not let my son in the fridge and was using a lot of the visits to yell at him for stupid stuff.

I currently have No Visitation Ex Parte Orders. but I also have an XAH who shows up for a visit anyway and pounds on the door until I call the police. The police are very aware of him, it turns out. He knew exactly who my X was. He insisted I call the town my X lives in to report the gunshot. I do and after speaking with my son a report is filed and a call made to CPS.

Right now, I am juggling: 2 police departments, a minor's council, the school, CPS, my son's emotions, my emotions, and my XAH's crazy texts blaming my for everything.

Everyone is trying to help but it is all so slow. My XAH is representing himself and keeps slowing everything down.

I'm tired you guys.

I keep hearing how strong I am for the kids, but I just want to run away. I keep thinking of the saying, "GOD only gives you what you can handle." But I think that isn't true. You just don't have an option sometimes, you just keep going whether you want to or not.
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Old 02-27-2018, 02:41 AM
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Originally Posted by 4MyBoys
Right now, I am juggling: 2 police departments, a minor's council, the school, CPS, my son's emotions, my emotions, and my XAH's crazy texts blaming my for everything.
And that is more than most of us could deal with on any given day. I am happy that your son was not hurt, or your X for that matter.

This process will play out as it will with CPS and the law. Does your precious son have a counselor he can talk to? Maybe a neutral party would help him feel less guilty about talking about all that he has been through.

I have no real sage advice, but sending hugs and prayers for you both!
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Old 02-27-2018, 05:11 AM
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Hi 4MyBoys - I've been wondering about you, but didn't want to read this, OMG. I'm so sorry you have to continue to endure this, and that your children have to as well.

All I can do is send ((((HUGS)))) and pray that it will all work out for the best, and very soon.

COD
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Old 02-27-2018, 06:49 AM
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I am so sorry you have to deal with this. It must have been a nightmare being married to this loser.

I know this probably isnít what youíre looking for, but if I were in your shoes I would move far away. Start by choosing a new city to live in, then start looking for a job. I would just pack up and move. ❤️

I hope you find the continued strength you need. Sounds like you are an amazing mama. You are doing so much for your kids. Hang in there!
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Old 02-27-2018, 07:03 AM
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My emotional baggage
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So after a nights sleep, I do feel more able to function today.

I will reiterate this though, it is soooo much better out of the house than in with my XAH.

I still do not regret doing what is best for my kids and I and leaving. My XAH was a very high functioning A when I left but the writing was on the wall. I believe he could still hold it together while I was there. Once we said enough, he started to unravel.

I believe he has always been an A but I was just too young and naive to see it at the time. But that coupled with diagnosed PTSD from his job and I truly believe his mind shattered being doused in booze day in and day out for the past 6 years.

My circumstances are extreme. But after getting my older son out of the situation he has flourished. He went from an anxiety wracked child to a honor society, freshman playing on the varsity golf team. I am so proud of him.

My younger son will be okay also, kids are very resilient. Try many counselors until you find someone good. My youngest is currently having to take anti nausea medication from the doctor because his stomach is always so upset since the most recent incident. He will be okay though, because I will make sure he will be okay.
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Old 02-27-2018, 07:10 AM
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My emotional baggage
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Sailorgirl57,

Oh I would move in a heartbeat. Our issue is he a young, 52, medically retired police officer with no other life but to haunt us under the guise that he is a good Dad. He has no family other than us nearby, and I believe wherever we go, he would follow us in a heartbeat.

I dream of moving somewhere he can't find us but you can't always outrun your demons.

Plus, we have a court docket that is the largest my attorney said he has every seen. I cannot even imagine trying to explain our situation to another judge, when we needed to.
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Old 02-27-2018, 07:10 AM
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Goodness!!

So glad that your son told you what happened. Is he still required to visit his dad?

I remember having the "stranger danger" talk with my son when he was younger. I said, "A grown up may tell you to keep a secret from mommy and daddy. You tell them "ok," but then come tell us afterwards."
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Old 02-27-2018, 07:15 AM
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Oh geez, 4myboys, I feel for you. Your job and road ahead of you is not easy, but you are exactly right, you will find a way to make it through, you do not have an option. The slowness got to me also. Sending you virtual support. And parenting props for showing the boys you are the parent they can count on to stand up for them. Even if it is something small, can you do something for yourself today? Nails, coffee with a friend, a walk ... heck even a nap?!

GM
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Old 02-27-2018, 12:07 PM
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Oh friend, I am so sorry this is happening!

I saw this recently and sent it to another friend just yesterday.

"God doesn't give the hardest battles to his toughest soldiers, he creates the toughest soldiers through life's hardest battles."

Stay strong.
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Old 02-27-2018, 04:26 PM
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No words to add to what you have already received, except to say this sounds like an incredibly stressful situation and you are handling it very well. Your kids are really lucky to have you. Of course you are tired - who wouldn't be?
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Old 02-27-2018, 08:28 PM
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Wow that is so scary. No wonder you’re overwhelmed and tired. I hope you can keep your kid away from your XAH because that could’ve turned out so much different. When my RAH was still drinking he was really into going to the shooting range a lot and would clean is guns after. He wasn’t always sober either....one day he was cleaning his gun and showing it to my then barely 6 year old and telling her how he would teach her about guns and they could go shoot together sometime. I was very annoyed she was even down there while he was cleaning his guns. She came up and told me what he had said and she had agreed because she was afraid not to. I told her she didn’t have to do anything she didn’t want to do if it made her scared and she could just tell him, Luckily this happened right before vacation and a few weeks after I told him he needed to get clean or I was gone (which he did) . I told him later (i think in my cost letter during rehab) that that really pissed me off for multiple reasons. He got it and was sorry. That was enough to scare me and **** me off. Your situation is so so much scarier and worse. And poor kid. I’m glad he told you anyway and I hope he still feels good about doing that.
Good luck with all the craziness surrounding this. No wonder you want to run away, I would too. Be strong for your kid but no one says you can’t just go have a good cry/breakdown in private (although I supposes there is nothing wrong with having your kid see your emotions to a certain degree). Do something nice for yourself to help you take your mind of things. Hopefully this will get sorted out sooner than later without too much mor emotional upheaval for both you and your kiddo
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Old 02-27-2018, 09:09 PM
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I am so sorry that you and the boys are continuing to deal with his craziness!

But...I am shocked that the judge allowed visitations with your younger son after stopping them with your life older son. When we remove the target child, the abuser just finds a new target! Any judge should know that!!
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Old 02-28-2018, 02:23 PM
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LoveMeNow,

I know right. I was floored by this and cannot believe how many professionals in the field thought it was okay to tell me as a Mom, that it was very normal for a parent to just abuse one child. I've done research and this does happen and usually to the detriment of the child not abused. Because the target usually gets to the point were they can separate themselves from the abuser, physically and mentally but the other child or children get sucked into the narcissistic bullsh$t for the rest of their life.

That isn't the case here though. My XAH abused me, then is just going through the list. The sick part is that both my attorney and the court appointed minor's counsel both made comments that they knew it would happen to my youngest also, but that we would have to let it happen until my youngest said enough is enough.

How is this okay????? My XAH has been allowed to rob both of my children of the simplicity of childhood. My 10 year old just went back to the doctor today because of stomach pains. Yes it is from stress. A 10 year old little boy with stomach pains that may cause an ulcer they said. Yep, this is my life.
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Old 03-01-2018, 04:00 AM
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Originally Posted by 4MyBoys View Post
That isn't the case here though. My XAH abused me, then is just going through the list. The sick part is that both my attorney and the court appointed minor's counsel both made comments that they knew it would happen to my youngest also, but that we would have to let it happen until my youngest said enough is enough.
So, we know based on the past that he abused one son, and it CAN BE prevented for the other son, but they are going to step back and WAIT for something to happen and the child to have to make the decision that the court should do on his behalf????

That's just f-ed up
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Old 03-01-2018, 06:07 AM
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Family court is just as much of a failure as the foster system. Just my two cents.
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Old 03-01-2018, 07:38 AM
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I have no words. Truly. Just prayers for you.
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