dandylion

I remember reading in a book...written by a therapist who works with abused women....that the amount of time in-between men is not as significant as the time spent o n learning about ones self in therapy. That one can wait ten years between men and still connect with the same type...perhaps, in different clothing....She made the point that a history of abuse requires very specific therapy by those trained in that area....

***I, personally believe that a person can learn a lot by reading all of the good literature that is available, these days....
I do believe in self-help....in addition to professional help....

Ladybird579

Yes, honestly, I waited over two years before dating....so I did feel ready...apparently I was not.

Give yourself some credit tho cos you knew he was off..your instincts told you even when you brain was fighting you by making you feel like it was down to you he was like he was. You just need to work on why you put up with it ((hugs))

thephoenixrises

Mind stuck at maybe he actually did mean all those nice things he said...maybe I needed to stop pushing for having to have things my way or nothing...

See...therapy needed...I feel like I have two personalities these days-lol-and they see things totally differently!!

SparkleKitty

This is why people on this forum are always saying to focus on ACTIONS, not WORDS.

The fact is we will NEVER KNOW if most people were lying or telling the truth to us ever. But we CAN be sure how their ACTIONS make us feel.

BAW81

Phoenix - something I've been doing that I wanted to share with you is create vision boards that articulate what I want. Based on my experience with my STBXAH, I know exactly what I don't want so I started there, i.e. no substance abuse issues, someone who demonstrates ambition and interest in living life.

And once i got that all out, I searched within myself for things that I truly yearned for, things I never even thought I could ask of someone else. And while I am very new to dating again, you can see in my last post, I'm holding that list very close to me. I am not going to settle for anything less. I'd rather be happy and alone than with someone else who drains me/disrespects me/abuses me.

Perhaps it's worth trying this exercise just to search your heart for what you truly want in another? It might help you going forward when you're ready.

I know relationships are hard work but they aren't meant to HURT.

PS (and I hope you don't get offended) He can't contract herpes multiple times, it's a virus that lives in his body FOREVER. And it cannot be cured....if he believes anything else, he's also an idiot.

thephoenixrises

^^^ no he didn’t say that-just had told me three different versions / stories of how he got it/who gave it to who (one was that he gave it to his ex wife, another was she gave it to him, etc). I just noticed there were many contradictions and things that didn’t add up. Yes, relationships are hard work-but he didn’t do any of that work...he promised to but didn’t. He promised many things...and would start them and then quit...no follow through.

Thank you for the suggestion-I am actually working on that in therapy soon!!

Refiner

Omg Phoenix, you dodged a major one there, thank God! Don’t be so hard on yourself (you’ve been thru a LOT!!!) and use this as a learning for you, and a teaching to your girls. Yikes, he sounds totally unhinged!!! (have to go tee-tee LOLOL what a fruit basket!!!!!)

trailmix

That's interesting. I saw it as them having two personalities. Of course they don't and the jerk is just as real as the "nice guy". The immature part is also part of it, I saw that too. The saying something as though they have fully un-masked, saw that too.

I totally understand the mind stuck thing. I think people with narcissism (this is my personal viewpoint) do actually mean what they say. I don't think they are different from regular people in that. It's that their minds work differently.

So he loves you today when you are being compliant but tomorrow when you are feeling a bit stronger and question his motives/truth/actions/plans - resentment!

Now, does that mean he didn't mean that you are beautiful to him? I don't think so, however where a regular person might be a bit put out that you disagree with whatever, they don't suddenly see you as a threat and a person who is just not doing the right thing and not trying to get along!

There is a holier than thou attitude in there too. He is smarter! (not really). Therefore when you decide something isn't right, wow! She just isn't thinking right, obviously.

“we will talk about that in the future, baby steps”

The only thing missing there is him patting you on the head as he said it.

Honestly when I read your story it brings back a lot of memories. I dated a full-blown narcissist for a year and a half - what a mess. Your story has SO many similarities.

The proposal when you were reeling from having your ex re-appear. Great time to get you to agree!?

All that said, when you do finally get down to the nuts (no pun intended) and bolts of it, it's not amusing, it's hurtful, it's just painful and i'm so sorry you had to go through this.

"Mind stuck at maybe he actually did mean all those nice things he said...maybe I needed to stop pushing for having to have things my way or nothing..."

This is dangerous. This means you could be willing to invite him back in. The only upside to this is now you are REALLY seeing it, now that you are talking about it, when you see him you actually will view him differently.

thephoenixrises

My girls loved him.

Kboys

Hi Phoenix,
Sorry you and your girls are going through this
You've been through a lot and you'll be able to get through this too.
Put the focus back on you and your girls!
Sending hugs

thephoenixrises

KBoys-absolutely will do that

OpheliaKatz

I got to halfway with your post and stopped reading because I hate this guy... and I don't even really know him. The beginning of this relationship (if you can call it that... sounds like he was having a relationship with himself, mainly) sounds a bit like my relationship to my (stb)ex husband... only difference being that my ex husband also played the "victim". I advise you read "Psychopath Free" by Jackson Mackenzie and also "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. Both were eye-opening. I personally identified with what Bancroft was saying more than Mackenzie however... .

Also... I would avoid being transparent about your abuse history if you don't know someone well. By that I mean... wait until you see their behavior in a variety of situations, before you decide that you can trust them. The reason is... I feel that there are people out there who are predators. They prey on people who they feel are "weak" in order to boost their egos. So his discarding you was a compliment. You were asking things of him, things that meant "relationship work" for him, and so he decided that you were too difficult a target and has probably moved on to his next intended target. Over time... ALL his targets get dumped or cheated on or if he finds the perfect target, believe me when I say that deep down inside, she's not going to be a happy person, she's going to be someone who is addicted to toxicity in relationships.

About relationships counseling.... . This is something that I learned from my experience and may not be the same for everyone. NEVER go to relationships counseling with someone who you suspect has a cluster-b personality disorder, is actively abusing a substance (unless they have made some progress with recovery and can look at their behavior clearly and also empathize with your feelings) or a person who is abusive. I know this seems counter-intuitive because these are the sorts of relationships where people think of going to relationships counseling to "save" the relationship. In relationships counseling with any of the above people, they tend to gaslight the counselor in session. They might do things like show up at the meeting early without you and tell the counselor that you're: controlling, bi-polar and not thinking straight, traumatized by your previous physical, psychological or sexual abuse and therefore 1) paranoid about his behavior... 2) not giving him enough sex or 3) (the worst... if this is someone you had kids with) not acting appropriately (acting sexual -- and he can say this by saying "oh she walks around with a towel on after a bath") towards your children so the courts should give him custody because you are "dangerous" (this hasn't happened to me, but it's happened to a woman I know whose abusive, drug-dealing husband wanted custody). When you are in session with him, he will be charming and appear confident, while you are upset, angry, and confused by everything that went on in the relationship. When he tells the counselor that he has no idea why he's there because the relationship is "fine" but it seems that you are crazy from your previous abuse, all the counselor will see is that he's coping and you are somehow not... and so you must be the crazy one.

This is how an abuser uses relationships counseling to abuse you. And you will be severely traumatized by the experience because it's not just one person doing the abusing, it's one person and their recruit (who happens to be an "expert" on mental health "issues").

I fully support individual counseling... as long as your counselor doesn't try to bring your partner into the sessions... like mine did :-( .

One more thing: that guy had no interest in you when you were not able to massage his ego. Once the relationship required any sort of work (and all relationships require work), he was out of there. Consider it a compliment that you're not made of cardboard and therefore not palatable to him. From what you said, he sees you as an object. If he sees women as objects, you can be assured that if he eventually hits you, it won't bother him any more than if he punched a wall -- so it will bother him that hitting you hurt his fist and that is all.

I'm sorry you had to experience this... but you can get away.

OpheliaKatz

Forgive me for saying this... but this is strategic. If the relationship had gone on long enough, he would have used this against you. If you got into a fight, you would have had three people against you instead of one selfish narcissist... and two of those people would be people you love.

The girls will get over him. Anyway, you don't want them to see you in a relationship where your partner seems to be obsessed with himself and there is no focus on you; it makes them think that that is what a relationship is supposed to be like.

The like him for the same reason other people like him -- he seems to love himself. It's a trick with lights and masks. This is the reason why you don't do counseling with this sort of guy. The counselor will "love" him too.

You're done with him. It's great. Have a cry... then bake a cake with frosting and celebrate being done. The girls will enjoy the party, it will distract them.

OpheliaKatz

Thank you so much for saying this.

HardLessons

TPR

I apologize if this was covered, if it was I missed it - how long were you with this guy?

Thanks

thephoenixrises

A year and a half...

OpheliaKatz

Okay... I read the end. Sorry for not reading it through, it was so upsetting.

"Last text to me was telling me he just didn’t have the strength to be hurt again (huh?) and that I was his whole world and everything but that he was done. Wth is going on?! Did I see things straight or am I all wrong?! Was this him or my abuse issues?! Was this straight up narcissism? I posted about this frequently in an abuse forum over the last year and they all told me to run."

It's not you, it's him. I don't care about his motivations, just his actions. Yeah he may be legitimately feeling hurt -- he's hurt because you wanted something out of the relationship and he's incapable of being in a relationship where it's not all about him. I agree, run. You are NOT wrong.

"I feel used and that because he now sees me as “broken” or “messed up” (like he calls so many other people) that now I’m no good to him-you know bc it’s goong to take me so long to “get better”. Talk about kicking someone when they’re down and trying to move past current day trauma-like throwing my abuse history in my face. You gotta be kidding me."

Yeah, I've had my history thrown in my face too... and I didn't even think it was an issue for me. I've heard this from my ex: "You blah blah blah because of your abuse history and that is why I am so miserable and you're so messed up... blah blah blah poor me... wait until tell my psychologist, the police, your friends, what a ***** you are for having boundaries about rape." I was like, "Huh?" because I had not even thought of my abuse history for yonks -- literally, it wasn't something that bothered me unless he brought it up. If anything my ex was the most abusive thing I had experienced in my life. There is nothing wrong with you that wasn't caused by your relationships to toxic people. Always remember that. You can heal. You just have to take your power back... and by that I mean, your right to be respected by others.

Also, because of trauma bonding and gas-lighting, don't be too hard on yourself if you miss him. Just know that this egg was always bad.

OpheliaKatz

His pants are on fire.

Because he lies.

trailmix

I also bought Jackson's book but couldn't read most of it, I found it to be inaccurate to what I had experienced. Now, that said, it is a good overview of a relationship with a narcissist, I also found it kind of depressing. Jackson had (to me, from what I remember) a victim mentality at the time and I found that hard to read.

trailmix

Yes, I would even question if he has an STD!

Funny, the narcissist I knew was in to this and that and this and that activity, but I saw very little sign of any of that.

I never met his family but after he left he would tell me about them and then it became clear. The interests he had were not his, they were theirs (more mirroring).

I think he fully believed he liked those activities.