Refiner

Well, look at it this way... it's plain black and white, no gray, that he is a monster idiot that is not worthy of your or your daughters' time. I have a feeling you haven't heard the last from him, either. Are you prepared to tell him to get lost forever when he comes calling?

thephoenixrises

^^ girl he’s not going to come calling, he’s made that perfectly clear^^^ and I’m getting stronger....yes. Why is it me that constantly reverts to “well maybe he just meant that? Maybe I misinterpreted what he said? Maybe he didn’t mean it that way? Bc he would tell me those things-that it was me so I thought it was)

hopeful4

Don't let yourself revert back to how your mind was programmed before. You have made amazing strides in your own mindset. You are strong, listen to your gut and trust who you are.

thephoenixrises

^^^ honestly bc I’m afraid I’m wrong-there, I said it...I’m afraid my gut is just so far off...or maybe I just don’t want to believe I knew all along...

hopeful4

I think it's important what you just said. Maybe you just don't want to believe you knew all along. Question, does that matter, in the grand scheme of things? If you know now, or if you knew then? We get so lost in trusting ourselves. I think it's important to sit, think, journal. To keep the focus on YOU, your needs, wants, future. To honor what you deserve as far as a future, and coming to terms with who should be with you in that journey.

It's ok not to know all the answers. It's digging deep and finding that place that you trust yourself. It may not come today, or tomorrow. All you can do is keep working to get there, and love yourself while you are doing so.

trailmix

You. are. not. wrong

Here is the thing. When you run in to someone who is on a different thinking - plain - than you (sorry can't think of a better description) and they show you what they want you to see then all of a sudden they show you what you DON'T want to see, it's really really hard to wrap your head around.

One month you have this person who can't get enough of you, spends hours with you, you talk and even when they are mean or rude they explain it as being just because they care so darn much about you their emotions - well - runneth over

Not that it's not real to them, it is, I have no doubt he believes this crap just as I have no doubt the narcissist I knew believed himself.

That doesn't make for a person that could ever be in any kind of relationship with anyone.

What's his relationship like with his Daughter. You mention they are very close and before you came along they hung out with each other all the time.

Do you see manipulation in that relationship?

thephoenixrises

^ I totally agree. All along I was trying to trust-him and myself. Trying so hard. I didn’t know if he meant anything he said or if I was being manipulated by a narcissist - all along i would think “well he’s telling me he’s honest and a good guy so obviously it’s my issues causing any confusion so I’ll just trust him more and blame myself”. But there were many things that gave me pause...the immature antics, the feeling that something was off, the stuff that didn’t add up, etc. But then I felt like I was just looking for something to be wrong-or expecting everything to be perfect....so when it wasn’t I could point it out to him. Not what I wanted to do!

thephoenixrises

Well he was married for 20 years. And yes, his daughter acts very much like his caretaker at times. Making him feel better about himself, etc. She’s constantly posting pictures of her draped on her daddy’s shoulder saying “I love my daddy with my whole heart, he’s the best and my king”. Kind of gives me the creeps honestly but everyone else seems to love it!

hopeful4

That does sound a little creepy. And....you don't want to be mommy to your partner. Believe me on this.

AnvilheadII

I didn’t know if he meant anything he said or if I was being manipulated by a narcissist - all along i would think “well he’s telling me he’s honest and a good guy so obviously it’s my issues causing any confusion so I’ll just trust him more and blame myself”. But there were many things that gave me pause...the immature antics, the feeling that something was off, the stuff that didn’t add up, etc. But then I felt like I was just looking for something to be wrong-or expecting everything to be perfect....so when it wasn’t I could point it out to him. Not what I wanted to do!

when we are exerting THAT much mental energy, and rationalizing, justifying and minimizing what is ACTUALLY happening, it's a big huge sign that things are very WRONG. we shouldn't have to talk ourselves INTO believing someone........we shouldn't have to try and decode their message, or translate into another language.

now you know. you have learned a lot in this relationship, so treasure the lessons, just ditch the school!

trailmix

As I said earlier, I actually believe that they believe themselves, so did he love you, probably in his own way in his own definition of "love". Not what would be considered "normal".

No one wants to be the one always criticizing, but what makes you think that's you? Is that your nature, are you critical of others in general?

Do you believe yourself to be a person who thinks everything should be perfect in a relationship or are these things he criticized you for?

trailmix

Everyone else on social media? Lots of likes and wow you really love your daddy!

Gag worthy and - yeah just gag worthy lol

thephoenixrises

Anvil-I hear you but that’s what I’m saying...what if it was me doing all that stuff-over thinking, over analyzing, etc that got me so mixed up and couldntvtrust he was a good guy?! I was paranoid sometimes and I think that’s a huge issue for me-I told him about a year ago that I was having a hard time trusting him and was pushing him away bc I was scared and he told me I would end up ruining it/it would be a self fulfilling prophesy to destroy it...his daughter doesn’t think she can ever trust me again and yes, trailmix I fear I am very critical .... and yes, I agree TM that maybe he did love me but not in the way I need! Bc he’s a narcissist!!!

thephoenixrises

TM-she also would post all about me on social media...that I was the strongest and best person she knew....that she couldn’t wait for me to be her stepmom, etc. Now she hates me bc I hurt her dad....this is ridiculous. I had every reason to break this thing off!!! (Didn’t I???)

AnvilheadII

NOTHING you shared even hinted at GOOD GUY.

if he HAD been a truly decent person you would not have been so confused and self-doubting.

this would be really good stuff to talk out with a therapist. you have a lot of loose ends, like cats let loose in the yarn shop, and a qualified counselor can help you unravel all of it, in a safe, calm setting.

thephoenixrises

Lol-bc I only shared the bad stuff??? And yes, you’re right-total cat in the yarn shop. Therapy is twice a week-tomorrow can’t get here soon enough

SparkleKitty

The bad stuff you shared is enough. If my husband did a single thing of the stuff you shared, I would a) be totally shocked, and b) run for the hills. There's no amount of good stuff that would make that bad stuff acceptable.

trailmix

Yes, a therapist can help you sort through this stuff, Anvil is right, nothing you shared even hinted at "good guy".

Are you too critical, maybe, maybe not? Maybe you just feel critical because there is so much to be critical about.

Are you off base? Are any of these deal breakers? Can you trust anything said about someone who doesn't even know where he got an STD from - which in and of itself might not be surprising but then makes stuff up (lies) instead of just saying, I don't know?

Honestly, even if he isn't a narcissist or in fact is zero on all personality disorders - he's still treated you horribly.

FireSprite

This makes my skin crawl. King? {shudder]

thephoenixrises

^^^^^ yes....and she wanted me to be their queen.....that made my skin crawl!!!!