Clover71

Yes ^^

thephoenixrises

Why is this soooo bad??? They are close!she went through two years of eating disorder clinics and he was the only parent to help her with all of that. She remembers her mom not being nice to her dad-so she admires him.
You know what I thought about today....when we broke up 9 months ago bc I called him out on actions not matching words (and then blamed my abuse issues!!!!) when he finally came back telling me he didn’t want to live without me he tells me that he realized he couldn’t stop thinking about me even though he figured he wouldn’t ever think of me again (huge red flag!!! He can just cut someone off?!)

And he told me time and time again he didn’t want to be their dad...so I think when I brought up asking him about adoption he bolted. Seems like he’s using this “mean text” as an exit strategy...

trailmix

Him helping with her eating disorder seems normal to me. That's what a parent does (her Mother aside, i'll get to her in a minute lol). Most parents don't want to be worshipped do they? You have kids, do you want them to worship you or respect and love you?

As for the Mother, bless her heart, she spent TWENTY some years with this guy. 20! She married a narcissist. Now i'm sure at this point she looks like the shrew but we don't know her, maybe she got pushed to her absolute limit.

If he were an alcoholic and they divorced after 20 years, would you have some empathy for her?

As for the Daughter, aside from the worship, maybe her Mother gave up, can you see her trying to function with those two after divorce? Would she ever have any hope of having a relationship with her Daughter? Absolutely not.

Now I don't know what the dynamic was when they were married or when the eating disorder occurred, but she may have been pushed away.

Now this is all conjecture on my part. The only part that isn't is she lived with him for. 20. years (assuming he's telling the truth).

And yes, a true narcissist can just walk away and not give you another thought, except for two things. 1. They like to keep potential supply in waiting 2. He realized you were still potential supply (and he hadn't found other supply yet and I don't necessarily mean a new relationship with another woman - supply can be anyone, family, friends, co-workers).

thephoenixrises

All very true. Very true. It seemed so very serendipitous thatvour stories matched so well...I thought it was all set up. And yes, he was good with my girls...always offered to help out, etc. but still didn’t seem “all there”. He always told me he didn’t want to step on my toes so he didn’t want to overstep. I can see that. All this aside he was focused on himself all the time. Always went back to him. A few times I fell asleep on the phone while he was talking. I would lay into him “dude, stop talking! You just interrupted me. Stop making this about YOU!!!”. I think he meant well, honestly...just didn’t know any better. My thoughts.
My two personalities are so split right now-one hurts badly and the other is so beyond pissed off at him...grow a spine. Grow up!

thephoenixrises

Like I said, when I pushed him for details of “what does helping me raise my girls mean” with the million questions I had-that for me needed to be answered before I had a ring on my finger-and so I needed to return it-i was trying to do the right thing for myself and my gurls. Wasn’t trying to hurt.

suki44883

TPR, I am sorry you had to experience that. Narcissists are among the worst that a person can get involved with. However, you have spent two days here talking about HIM. Don't you think it might be time to put him on the back burner and concentrate on yourself and your girls? Not trying to be snarky, but the important matter is the welfare and care of your children.

Hugs to you.

thephoenixrises

^^^^ yesssssss ^^^^^^
Just trying to sort it out, you know, whether I saw things correctly...that’s all
And no offense taken at all-I need to hear what I need to hear!!

trailmix

Feel free to PM me anytime Phoenix

thephoenixrises

He always told me I was fighting my ex while with him...like I was fighting my past. Even his daughter thought that. And I still fear that may be the case. But my head knows better that some not good things were going on with him and that was not my past.

He told me if I kept fighting my past with him and assuming he would leave that at some point that would be the case/bc I would make it that way. Is this what I’m doing???

hearthealth

I think narcissists puts notions in our heads to make us question reality. This takes the blame off of them because they know it can never be them.

trailmix

It's hard to say from the outside, really only you know that. The thing is, from what you have said, he's really not a nice guy at all, so I would question anything he said.

Can you give an example of when he accused you of fighting your past with him?

As for the Daughter, does she believe everything he says? Does she ever disagree with him?

thephoenixrises

^^^^ all of this, what I’ve written...he considers all this fighting my abuse issues. And when we broke up 9 months ago I had confronted him on his words not matching his actions...and then when he deflected again I went back to “oh I’m sorry, I’m still fighting my past”. It’s just what I revert back to I think bc I didn’t want to face reality. Or maybe I really was trying to see him clearly vs my alcoholic abusive ex.

trailmix

So every problem you had in your relationship is because of your abuse issues.

Right.

Interestingly, as I mentioned some time back in this thread, when I met Mr. Narcissist I was coming out of a bad time, certainly not at my strongest.

He would say that it was only my fear that was keeping me from moving in with him and proceeding forward in the relationship. He cajoled, he threatened he yelled he tried to persuade he used every single angle to try to get me to change my mind on that.

Honestly, for a while I questioned myself. I thought well, I need to overcome this! He's a good guy, obviously cares about me why can't I do this! (he moved across the country, got his own place, new job blah blah blah).

Well you know what, I wasn't wrong, I was right and that resistance to moving forward in that relationship was spot on. That feeling wasn't from fear or any other kind of vague problem with ME, I'm certainly not perfect but I also certainly know what is right for me and he certainly wasn't.

So even in my confusion at the time I couldn't force myself to do it (and I tried lol).

Is it possible that the reason you are feeling this way, is not because of abuse or anything else, it's your instinct telling you to get away from him.

Even if you don't think that is correct, let's say it's ALL from previous abuse, can this guy handle that? How's he doing so far in making you feel secure, loved and understood?

thephoenixrises

^^^^ he’s not at all ^^^^^ he’s a jerk. He’s stated he no longer wants to deal with my issues-lol. Thank you so much for your words.

FireSprite

I can only speak for myself but talking about him like her "King" conjures images of blind devotion & semi-worship. Like trailmix said - there's a huge difference between worship & respect. I'll bet anything she has all kinds of issues in her future when the men in her life don't measure up to her Narcissist Daddy - and in fact, don't many, many N's start priming their daughters early in life in exactly this way? (inappropriate bonding, etc.)

I wouldn't trust her memories of mom vs. dad either - memories are rooted in emotions, he's had LOTS of time to coach her about how she remembers it all (& as she experienced it) & we aren't hearing mom's side of the story at all.

thephoenixrises

Very true. All true. My therapist asked me today how I am going to be strong enough to say no when he comes back....she said she’s sure he will. Yikes- I pray that doesn’t happen but I need to be ready!
Sh*t - I thought I was done with all this crud....got my kids away from their awful dad and thought my life was heading in the right direction-but I KNEW all along. I did know and I did stop it. Yay me

hearthealth

I wasn't strong enough and I'm paying the price. Keep a list of your history and read it after any thoughts of reconcilation. I focused too much on hope and not enough on history.

trailmix

Yes yay you! You are out of this, you did stop this, you didn't marry this guy - which is great!

He may come back, he may not, you never know. By the time he does hopefully you will be in a stronger place. I hope your therapist gave you suggestions on how to deal with that?

hopeful4

Wise words.

thephoenixrises

I dodged a bullet...I dodged a bullet. My girls dodged a bullet. Please help me get rid of that little voice still there telling me he was the best thing ever and I just misinterpreted things...I need a shield and a sword to stand strong!! Lol