Did I go from alcoholic to narcissist?!?!
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 223
Did I go from alcoholic to narcissist?!?!
Please help me SEE through the fog. Did I just push him away or is he just scared or did I just get narcissistically discarded?!
I have no idea what just happened...I don’t know if I was just dating/engaged to a narc or just a seriously immature and insecure man...
There were red flags all along. But I thought it was real. Lovebombing and sweeping grandiose statements within 3 weeks of our first date (I’ll never leave you, you’re my whole world, I hope in time you’ll see I want the same exact things as you, I like being seen with you, I don’t want to do anything to mess this up, I won’t hurt you, etc)...there were other quick giveaways, he talked about himself non stop, interrupted me and somehow turned everything back to him. All the time. Promised to never leave me. Told me we were different than other couples. Better. Knew extremely well of my abuse history and that I never thought someone would date a single mom with full time kids and no dad in the picture _ said he would never leave. When I brought up things I noticed that didn’t make sense over time he dismissed me. Or denied it. Told me theee different stories of how he contracted herpes. Would gaslight me and tell me “how could you think I would say, of course I didn’t mean that”. Etc. it was glaring when my ex started stalking and threatening me and I was thrown back into full ptsd and fear and trauma. It was awful. He didn’t understand or try to understand. I asked him to set up counseling for us. That didn’t happen. Boyfriend proposed in the middle of all of that (selfish much?) and actually told me quite a few times “aren’t you glad I’m with you”, “yeah I know you’re having a rough time but this is hard on me”. Always about him. I think he liked viewing himself as my savior. He mirrored everything I said, any interest was suddenly his interest, any conviction I had then he had, eerily knew some of his words I he texted me were from articles I shared on Facebook, he would tell me he would stay up at night and look through our pictures and our texts, etc. it was an obsession. It was like he morphed into my perfect man. I sent him a somewhat mean text a few weeks ago confronting him on stuff I had bottled up. It had taken me all the courage I had in the world to state my needs clearly and instead of praying with me or setting up counseling like I requested and he had promised all along-he told me that those things could now wait until after we got married (huge red flag and another broken promise) and the next morning stopped my house to “watch me get dressed”...didn’t pray or help me, just served his own needs. Made my skin crawl-it felt like that’s all I was-an object. Then declared the next day that he didn’t want to lose me and would do whatever it takes to fix us. Then The next day he replied to my text that it’s obvious he never does anything right, that the text seriously hurt him, that we are no longer a couple, etc. Leaving me to go, what?? He never answered any of my questions...told him I had a million questions re my young girls before I could accept a real proposal...he got very defensive and never answered. He literally shut me out a month after proposing bc I “hurt him”. Holy moly-he only thinks of his pain. He has been cold and callous and condescending since our last text exchange. Refuses to see me. Or my young girls that called him “dad”. They are heartbroken. It’s all about HIS pain. He was in charge of the rules and timing the whole time-he had to be in charge. If I wanted to talk about something it had to wait until “we will talk about that in the future, baby steps”. And he’d change the rules all the time or promise that things would change and he kept right on doing the same thing. Got mad when I confronted him and made me feel crazy for not accepting his “oh you know I just talk a lot and say the wrong things. I’m always going to do that”. Two weeks after we met he very eerily went into a trance like state one night we were sitting outside and spoke “you know it’s taken me a long time to figure out how to get you” and “I always get what I want, always”. I was shaking so badly but I didn’t run away. I stayed. I think that was his true self and the mask coming off....
But he did leave after my text “hurt his feelings” and has been cold, callous and condescending. Wouldn’t come help me when I was on the side of the road with two tires blown out with screaming kids-told me to call someone else. Telling me that he hopes I someday overcome my issues and that it took me a long time to get this way and it will take a long time to fix. Even offered to only talk with me in person if it would help me with closure (so very nice of him that HE would give me closure). I felt him squeezing me so tight towards the end-wanting to be my everything and was easily hurt or offended by anything I did or said or when I told him I was struggling so bad with fear, etc and couldn’t see him bc I was calling my abuse friends to help me-he had the nerve to tell me he missed our nights together, etc, making me feel so guilty and so utterly angry he would say that-all about HIM.
I swear I saw the narcissistic smirk when we were intimate together a few times....and it made me squirm. It was evil and twisted-he liked that I was saving myself for marriage and was struggling-he would have this awful grin on his face. Last text to me was telling me he just didn’t have the strength to be hurt again (huh?) and that I was his whole world and everything but that he was done. Wth is going on?! Did I see things straight or am I all wrong?! Was this him or my abuse issues?! Was this straight up narcissism? I posted about this frequently in an abuse forum over the last year and they all told me to run. I feel used and that because he now sees me as “broken” or “messed up” (like he calls so many other people) that now I’m no good to him-you know bc it’s goong to take me so long to “get better”. Talk about kicking someone when they’re down and trying to move past current day trauma-like throwing my abuse history in my face. You gotta be kidding me.
Please help with any thoughts!!!!
I have no idea what just happened...I don’t know if I was just dating/engaged to a narc or just a seriously immature and insecure man...
There were red flags all along. But I thought it was real. Lovebombing and sweeping grandiose statements within 3 weeks of our first date (I’ll never leave you, you’re my whole world, I hope in time you’ll see I want the same exact things as you, I like being seen with you, I don’t want to do anything to mess this up, I won’t hurt you, etc)...there were other quick giveaways, he talked about himself non stop, interrupted me and somehow turned everything back to him. All the time. Promised to never leave me. Told me we were different than other couples. Better. Knew extremely well of my abuse history and that I never thought someone would date a single mom with full time kids and no dad in the picture _ said he would never leave. When I brought up things I noticed that didn’t make sense over time he dismissed me. Or denied it. Told me theee different stories of how he contracted herpes. Would gaslight me and tell me “how could you think I would say, of course I didn’t mean that”. Etc. it was glaring when my ex started stalking and threatening me and I was thrown back into full ptsd and fear and trauma. It was awful. He didn’t understand or try to understand. I asked him to set up counseling for us. That didn’t happen. Boyfriend proposed in the middle of all of that (selfish much?) and actually told me quite a few times “aren’t you glad I’m with you”, “yeah I know you’re having a rough time but this is hard on me”. Always about him. I think he liked viewing himself as my savior. He mirrored everything I said, any interest was suddenly his interest, any conviction I had then he had, eerily knew some of his words I he texted me were from articles I shared on Facebook, he would tell me he would stay up at night and look through our pictures and our texts, etc. it was an obsession. It was like he morphed into my perfect man. I sent him a somewhat mean text a few weeks ago confronting him on stuff I had bottled up. It had taken me all the courage I had in the world to state my needs clearly and instead of praying with me or setting up counseling like I requested and he had promised all along-he told me that those things could now wait until after we got married (huge red flag and another broken promise) and the next morning stopped my house to “watch me get dressed”...didn’t pray or help me, just served his own needs. Made my skin crawl-it felt like that’s all I was-an object. Then declared the next day that he didn’t want to lose me and would do whatever it takes to fix us. Then The next day he replied to my text that it’s obvious he never does anything right, that the text seriously hurt him, that we are no longer a couple, etc. Leaving me to go, what?? He never answered any of my questions...told him I had a million questions re my young girls before I could accept a real proposal...he got very defensive and never answered. He literally shut me out a month after proposing bc I “hurt him”. Holy moly-he only thinks of his pain. He has been cold and callous and condescending since our last text exchange. Refuses to see me. Or my young girls that called him “dad”. They are heartbroken. It’s all about HIS pain. He was in charge of the rules and timing the whole time-he had to be in charge. If I wanted to talk about something it had to wait until “we will talk about that in the future, baby steps”. And he’d change the rules all the time or promise that things would change and he kept right on doing the same thing. Got mad when I confronted him and made me feel crazy for not accepting his “oh you know I just talk a lot and say the wrong things. I’m always going to do that”. Two weeks after we met he very eerily went into a trance like state one night we were sitting outside and spoke “you know it’s taken me a long time to figure out how to get you” and “I always get what I want, always”. I was shaking so badly but I didn’t run away. I stayed. I think that was his true self and the mask coming off....
But he did leave after my text “hurt his feelings” and has been cold, callous and condescending. Wouldn’t come help me when I was on the side of the road with two tires blown out with screaming kids-told me to call someone else. Telling me that he hopes I someday overcome my issues and that it took me a long time to get this way and it will take a long time to fix. Even offered to only talk with me in person if it would help me with closure (so very nice of him that HE would give me closure). I felt him squeezing me so tight towards the end-wanting to be my everything and was easily hurt or offended by anything I did or said or when I told him I was struggling so bad with fear, etc and couldn’t see him bc I was calling my abuse friends to help me-he had the nerve to tell me he missed our nights together, etc, making me feel so guilty and so utterly angry he would say that-all about HIM.
I swear I saw the narcissistic smirk when we were intimate together a few times....and it made me squirm. It was evil and twisted-he liked that I was saving myself for marriage and was struggling-he would have this awful grin on his face. Last text to me was telling me he just didn’t have the strength to be hurt again (huh?) and that I was his whole world and everything but that he was done. Wth is going on?! Did I see things straight or am I all wrong?! Was this him or my abuse issues?! Was this straight up narcissism? I posted about this frequently in an abuse forum over the last year and they all told me to run. I feel used and that because he now sees me as “broken” or “messed up” (like he calls so many other people) that now I’m no good to him-you know bc it’s goong to take me so long to “get better”. Talk about kicking someone when they’re down and trying to move past current day trauma-like throwing my abuse history in my face. You gotta be kidding me.
Please help with any thoughts!!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 223
I fear my abuse issues caused me to push through so many red flags. I accepted unacceptable behavior and it left my head spinning. I didn’t know whether I could trust him or not. Apparently that’s been made perfectly clear.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I remember feeling this way after I met a real love-bomber as my first marriage was breaking up. That's what got me into therapy, and it was a real life saver. I had to learn what a healthy relationship was, and until I did, I didn't have a chance at having one. And the first one I developed was with myself. At 35, that was a little daunting. Worth all of the hard work, though. Without it, I was destined to just keep having the same unhealthy relationship over and over, looking for my self-worth solely as I was defined by my connection to others; "So-and-so's Girlfriend," or "Such-and-such's wife."
The important thing is you see it now and get away from it, phoenix. We're here for you.
The important thing is you see it now and get away from it, phoenix. We're here for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 223
And yet my mind still goes to “what if I just pushed him away bc I was scared?” “What if I just horribly hurt a good man that asked me to marry him and wanted to help me raise my girls ?” Still stick there.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Originally Posted by thephoenixrises 
And yet my mind still goes to “what if I just pushed him away bc I was scared?” “What if I just horribly hurt a good man that asked me to marry him and wanted to help me raise my girls ?” Still stick there.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
I think you are best off out of it Phoenix. He sounds a real piece of work and whatever the reasons for his issues are do not make them any less real so trying to put a handle on why he's that way is pointless.. I think when we meet people straight out of a relationship or not long after our alcoholics it is a bit hit and miss if we get a good one or not but your instincts were correct from the beginning. You did see his crap ..you just ignored it until now. No he's not a good man You know that and you didn't push him away with your issues. Time for some self love and reflecting so it doesn't happen again. xx
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
You and your girls deserve better. Frankly, he sounds kinda scary and creepy to me. I don't think I would want him around me let alone my kids. That was some screwed up, manipulative ********.
I'm sure it's still painful. Please just take care of yourself and the kids.
I'm sure it's still painful. Please just take care of yourself and the kids.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Keep remembering how he would not help you when you had flat tires!! I think that says it all. Love is not hurtful, spiteful or vindictive!
Now my question for you is.....what made you ignore the red flags?? Of course, you don't need to answer me but you owe to YOU to dig deep and find the answers so it won't happen again.
Now my question for you is.....what made you ignore the red flags?? Of course, you don't need to answer me but you owe to YOU to dig deep and find the answers so it won't happen again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 223
He helped take care of us when my ex cane back. He kept us safe. But damn did he turn that around on me too and made that about himself. Maybe I just misinterpreted things? My fear of life with this man was scary?!
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
Sometimes I just wish someone would "take care" of me for a change. It sounds like he pretended that that is what he wanted to do, but he did it for his own reasons. I can understand how easily it would be to initially fall into that. Don't beat yourself up about it but rather learn from it. You saw, but needed a little "push" to connect the dots
I'm sorry I was so blunt in my earlier post, but the hairs on my arms literally stood up as I read your OP.
I'm sorry I was so blunt in my earlier post, but the hairs on my arms literally stood up as I read your OP.
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