PuzzledHeart

I am very confused.

Couple questions:

1) Who exactly is this "AA Professional"? And just how many interventions has he/she done? More importantly, why did this "AA Professional" feel like he/she could hold this intervention without at the very least talking to you?

2) This whole "immature, no offense" deal. So it's mature to make a threat about leaving when you're not ready to do so in the hope of manipulating somebody's behavior, in this case your AH's?

Something smells very fishy to me.

That said, what Katiekate said is right. All these shenanigans do not actually prevent you from leaving. You're tired of being your AH's babysitter. You're tired of being a punching bag. You're tired of being treated like a two year old by your inlaws by being left out the intervention process, if there was one to actually begin with. I read your posts, and I hear a person who is just about to snap.

Ariesagain

Well, I missed that "immature, no offense" line.

His parents sound like they want to dump the problem back on you and manipulate you to keep you there.

You are not his keeper. You are not their employee. As for their offer of support...not sure what that might look like given that their response to your fears of his abuse is to dismiss your feelings and insult you.

No. You are your own person, just as he is. You determine what you are willing to have in your life and what you are not.

Take them out of the equation...they are not helpful. Now. What do YOU want to do?

ScaredWife29

Thank you. He was a bit nicer yesterday, and apologized for drinking and promised to go to AA and the psychiatrist (he has an appointment this morning), which gives me a slight glimmer of hope. I think I will give him a couple of months and then walk away for good if he slips back. In the meantime, I am no longer going to let his drinking affect me. Whenever he leaves for a hotel, I will try not to let it bother me. I won't cry or even ask if he has been drinking. I know whenever he does, as it is obvious. I'll give him a few more months to clean up and get sober and then walk away. In the meantime, I won't plan any more trips or other future things with him (aside from the trip next week, a trip in May we already have planned, and his brother's wedding in May.

ScaredWife29

Absolutely agree. I think making a threat to leave and then coming back is not the best way to handle this. If I come back, he'll see that he can change temporarily and I'll come back.

This "AA professional" is someone who has known the family for a long time and has had experience with AA. I think she is an older lady, in her 70s or 80s, from the sound of it. I have no idea what her AA experience entails or whether she is a certified therapist (from the sounds of it, she is not actually a professional). I do wish she would have talked to me before making that assessment. This situation is pretty bad and someone making suicidal threats, even if vague, should not be ignored.

I am definitely tired of being his punching bag and babysitter. If I stay for a few months to see how his progress is, I am not going to let his alcoholism dictate my life. I will go out to events when I want to and I will not let his abusive words hurt me anymore. I am in therapy myself and I can learn more tools about how to emotionally guard myself so it doesn't hurt as much. I can also start learning how to be OK being alone with myself and learn how to let go, in case he does not get better. Either way, this situation is awful. I was really hoping his parents' intervention would hit the reset button or change the pattern in some way

What do you think the fishy stuff is? And do you think AH is going to snap?

ScaredWife29

Thank you. I've learned that I cannot depend on their support. Words are words. Words are easy. It does appear that I am the one who has to deal with this. I am close to the point where I will walk away. They have made it clear that the ball is in my court. The "immature" comment really threw me. So it is ok for them to ignore their son's issues until he hits "rock bottom," further hurting himself and others in the process? But it is not ok for me to walk away for good to get away from the abuse? The more I think about it, the more bothered I feel. Also, I asked my MIL yesterday if she recalls him having any issues earlier in his life. She said she doesn't remember. He has told me a lot about the issues. I doubt any mother could forget having to get anti-depressants for their young child. It seems like his whole family is hiding something from me

Katiekate

His family is in the sickness of alcoholism, it is very dysfunctional and toxic. Everyone here is in some level of denial and co dependency. I will tell you that talking back and forth with his parents will probably get you nowhere, you are the scape goat at this point, that was the role I played with my alcoholic mother and my brother, it is one of the most painful positions to be in. Until I saw it, I was in deep, and I couldn't get away from it, I had to detach, once I did it was all so clear.

ScaredWife29

Thank you. I am so sorry you went through that with your mother and brother. Alcoholism is such a disgusting thing and it is awful that so many people and their loved ones suffer from it.

I do feel like the scapegoat now. His dad was already cold toward me. I'm sure he will be arctic next time I see him. I feel like all the expectations and blame are on my shoulders. I will leave at some point once I cannot take the abuse and heartbreaking cycle anymore, and then they will have to deal with it if they care at all about their son.

I am not a parent yet, but I simply cannot imagine being this flippant about my child... To expect his wife to deal with him or decide to leave (but judge her if she leaves for good and doesn't come back when he "gets better"), or wait until he hits "rock bottom" and hurt himself or someone else.

Maybe they gave up on him and his emotional issues a long time ago. I bet they are happy there's someone else (who was stupid enough to marry him) who has to deal with him now.

LexieCat

My criticism of his parents has to do with their treating you like an object rather than as the person most affected by your husband's drinking. I would TOTALLY understand their saying to you, "We're sorry, but we aren't in a position to do anything for him, he needs to handle this on his own. We support you in whatever you decide." THAT would be just having an appropriate boundary. They are in no more position to "fix him" than you are.

If I were you, I'd rely on REAL professionals of your own, and stop confiding in (or expecting any help from) his family.

dandylion

Scaredwife......from the distance, where I sit, it looks like, maybe, the parents fear having him on their doorstep at some point.....
If he was o n anti-depressants as a child....and, I believe it was mentioned that he was diagnosed as having Aspegers at some point...? .....it might be possible that they were hoping that marriage would be the answer to any of his "problems"......
In any case, you are responsible for your relationship with him.....and, they are responsible for their relationship with him.....as the bottom line.....

I believe that it is, generally, the best to stay disentangled from his family as much as possible.......

Katiekate

Thing is Scaredwife, it is your husbands job to recognize and work on his issues, he is long past the time in his life where he is to rely on others for his own fixing. It is not your job, his parents job or anyone else to fix him, it is up to him and everyone else is just getting in the way, as harsh as that may sound, that is the truth of it. Nobody has any control but him. I used to worry that my mother would fall, it would drive me nuts, well she fell, I wasn't there, it happened, with or without me , she fell, it was not a consequence of my action, it was a consequence of her own. The realization for me was, it will happen with or without me. I was free, she was in charge of her life whether I liked or not, a very eye opening event for me.

Best for all of us to get out of the way.

FireSprite

Whoa up, friend. You're making an awful lot of assumptions here & treating them as fact. First off - do you sincerely believe that someone who hid his drinking & abuse & is still displaying addictive behaviors has been 100% honest with you about his history? Without confirmation of what you've heard or evidence to support it, what makes you label them Evil & him Victim so easily? You yourself are a victim of his manipulation but you can't imagine that they could be, at least to some extent, as well?

It sounds to me like someone finally got through to his mom saying the same things we've been saying to you - that NO ONE can force him to get sober or want to recover, NO ONE can predict what his rock bottom will be (or IF he'll have one), NO ONE can Control or is responsible for his recovery in any way. Including you. But it's not up to his parents to save you, a grown married woman.

YOU have to be ready to save yourself, and we'll help talk you through it & find resources & educate yourself in any way we can.

dandylion

^^^^^^^^True.

biminiblue

I would continue with the plans to stay with the aunt. Some amount of time apart will make this much clearer. He will either remain sober and step up his support circle or he will go back to drinking. I don't think it's your job to be sober-sitter. This sweetness and light he is showing is classic behavior - I'm betting it doesn't last a month.

I've been involved with more than one alcoholic/addict and it doesn't get better. Once I was an adult I was really in charge of steering my ship, I couldn't let the winds blow me off course.

Put down an anchor in a safe harbor and wait for the weather to clear. Stormy emotions are not good and there is water leaking in everywhere.

PuzzledHeart

Fishy stuff. Oh dear. Let me count the ways...

• The fact that this "AA Professional" scheduled an intervention without talking to you, his wife.
• The fact that your inlaws didn't provide you with a list of credentials for said interventionist
• The fact that you were not even consulted about getting an interventionist in the first place. There wasn't even a conversation!

I wasn't thinking about him. I was thinking about you!

aliciagr

You are both better off without his parents involvement in my opinion,. They sound misguided and uneducated. Since you have a therapist mabey this person could help you sort through your feelings on leaving the marriage. I used my therapist for this purpose and found very helpful.

Also, have you talked to the therapist about warning signs you might have ignored or missed with your husband during the 4 years of being together? I ignored risks, and wasnt fully educated about my husbands emotional issues before we married. It helped to talk through it all and to learn about the psych stuff.

tomsteve

I have a feeling the "professional" title was added by the inlaws.
ive been a member of AA for 12 years now and the ONLY 'professionals" I have come across in AA are professional drunks. AA doesn't hand out titles to anyone no matter how long they've been in AA, how much they know about AA, or how much they know about alcoholism.
and if this person knew something about what the program says in the chapter 'working with others", this person would know it suggests:

If there is any indication that he wants to stop, have a good talk with the person most interested in him - usually his wife.
Get an idea of his behavior, his problems, his background, the seriousness of his condition, and his religious leanings. You need this information to put yourself in his place, to see how you would like him to approach you if the tables were turned.

LexieCat

I think there's also a good chance the wheels came off this "intervention" when the AA person realized what unrealistic expectations were being placed on her (and that's another odd thing--12th Step calls are generally made by a member of the same sex) and this conversation. The AA member might have envisioned just a sharing of what AA can offer and the promises of sobriety, and when she realized they were expecting something like Intervention on TV, she (wisely) backed out.

Bekindalways

Hi SW. I hope you are taking care of yourself. Please follow through on your decision to do the things that you want to do even if it leaves your husband home alone.

I can't remember if you have found an Alanon group that you like. If you haven't please keep looking.

Big hug.

AnvilheadII

i'm concerned with the keeping secrets part - that part of your plan depends upon others who are close/related to your husband keeping their mouths shut about you calling etc.

he IS sober now? still? this might be the best time to tell him you DID call his parents out of an abundance of concern. that you were at wit's end, concerned for him, concerned for yourself.

i'd much rather be out in front of such a thing rather than get blindslided by it later. besides your "secret" relies on way too many people and really, shouldn't even BE a secret.

if you are THAT scared of telling him the truth then really what ARE you sticking around for?