Alcoholic boyfriend dumped me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 432
No, I am not. We took a big place so dogs could have their space. I am going to have to move now. It feels like every part of what I did was tied to him for five years and now I am alone and can't figure out anything let alone why I feel like shi8t or why he doesn't feel any of what I am feeling. He is not that far gone in his disease so he had lot of moments of clarity. He did a lot of work too and didn't do some basic things around. I am questioning my own judgment now if he really is an alcoholic or if i overreacted or if he just had an alcohol problem. I am questioning my own sanity now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 432
No one including our mutual friends believe that he is an alcoholic. They've not seen him at his worst because we always leave before he gets worse. Then he'd buy more booze before reaching home and would drink. He has hidden booze, drank while I was at work, admitted he has a problem, continued to drink more and more, call in sick and drink yet I haven't told anyone because I was so ashamed and always felt I could help him. Even offered to pay for rehab. His family ignored me when I called and cried. Now he has told them I drink and smoke, they think I am making him drink with my fights. I am so helpless and feel so bad for everything.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Itruvia....you are not insane. You are afraid....mostly, afraid of the pain of grieving.
don't take this the wrong way...but, I can see that you don't very much about alcoholism. I can tell by the questions you ask...and the straws that you are grasping at....that is not surprising, though, because who does? Even those who live in it don't know. Mostly, they have learned old wives tales--that they believe. Those who do know...have had a special reason for learning it...or taken special training.....(who knew?).....
You are lucky, because, if you go to the stickies on the front page of this forum...you will see the one called "Classic Reading". Read that one, some, every day. It is a bootcamp on alcoholism and co-dependency!
Knowledge is power. There is so much to learn....
Clearly his drinking is a problem for YOU.
From what you write---he doesn't sound like he is even close to reaching for recovery....Even so, it takes a while....one to two years for a person to level out --and that requires them to be working a diligent program. It takes a lot of time and has to be the first priority in their life!
I hope that you don' flee from the pain, prematurely and jump right back into the duck soup.
You have been given some excellent advice, here...by people who have walked in your shoes, ahead of you. It would do you good to reread your thread...many times, if necessary...and try to apply some of the advice, given....
***It is not uncommon, in the most intense part of the pain (which you are in, right now), that people begin to question themselves and doubt themselves.
that wiill get better and change .....as long as you don't just give up.....
don't take this the wrong way...but, I can see that you don't very much about alcoholism. I can tell by the questions you ask...and the straws that you are grasping at....that is not surprising, though, because who does? Even those who live in it don't know. Mostly, they have learned old wives tales--that they believe. Those who do know...have had a special reason for learning it...or taken special training.....(who knew?).....
You are lucky, because, if you go to the stickies on the front page of this forum...you will see the one called "Classic Reading". Read that one, some, every day. It is a bootcamp on alcoholism and co-dependency!
Knowledge is power. There is so much to learn....
Clearly his drinking is a problem for YOU.
From what you write---he doesn't sound like he is even close to reaching for recovery....Even so, it takes a while....one to two years for a person to level out --and that requires them to be working a diligent program. It takes a lot of time and has to be the first priority in their life!
I hope that you don' flee from the pain, prematurely and jump right back into the duck soup.
You have been given some excellent advice, here...by people who have walked in your shoes, ahead of you. It would do you good to reread your thread...many times, if necessary...and try to apply some of the advice, given....
***It is not uncommon, in the most intense part of the pain (which you are in, right now), that people begin to question themselves and doubt themselves.
that wiill get better and change .....as long as you don't just give up.....
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Ituvia....do not listen to his family! Compartmentalize that. Blood is thicker than water...and, they will stick by him. expect that.
His friends? they probably are alcoholics or big drinkers, themselves. They will stick together.
You would do better to listen to those who know what they have talking about...those of us who have been through the fire...and who care about your welfare. We would not be here with you if we didn't care about your welfare.
You really need a support group, and a counselor, right now!
Compassionate human contact is like gold....
His friends? they probably are alcoholics or big drinkers, themselves. They will stick together.
You would do better to listen to those who know what they have talking about...those of us who have been through the fire...and who care about your welfare. We would not be here with you if we didn't care about your welfare.
You really need a support group, and a counselor, right now!
Compassionate human contact is like gold....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 432
You guys have been so helpful and I feel so stupid for reading all of your replies and not taking any of it in. I have become so weak or maybe I always was and now just directionless. even after all this, I don't know why I am not angry. I certainly was when he was with me.
All of his friends are drinkers and they all do pot but within reason and they haven't lived with him to know what he does. He will meet once in a while, drink/smoke up and then pass out. What do they know what he is capable of? They should be helping him see that I was not the bad guy but they all hate me for hitting him.
All of his friends are drinkers and they all do pot but within reason and they haven't lived with him to know what he does. He will meet once in a while, drink/smoke up and then pass out. What do they know what he is capable of? They should be helping him see that I was not the bad guy but they all hate me for hitting him.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Ituvia..I think when a person is in the very early stage of grief...they are practically blinded to a lot...as they are so focused on pain that they have a hard time taking in the whole picture. If they were in physical pain as bad as the psychological pain that they are in...they would be in ICU!!
This is why it is emphasized that one just try to get from one day to another...one day at a time in one piece.
***Not to worry...the anger will come. grief and mourning is made up of many emotions...sadness, anger, etc., and it will fluctuate from one to the other...like a kalidescope....
This is why it is emphasized that one just try to get from one day to another...one day at a time in one piece.
***Not to worry...the anger will come. grief and mourning is made up of many emotions...sadness, anger, etc., and it will fluctuate from one to the other...like a kalidescope....
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Part of what you're up against is that most people are clueless about alcoholism. Your ex is working and isn't a Thunderbird-guzzling vagrant, ergo, not an alcoholic, especially to other drinkers. For them in particular, if he's an alcoholic, where does that put them? So it must be that you are overreacting. They also believe that all he has to do is "cut down," which he says he's doing, so...
And in all breakups, people want reasons and they take sides. Your ex is running around playing the victim to everyone and since they only know his version of events and haven't seen him at his worst, they believe him.
It's rough, it really is. I feel for you. In time, if he's like 99% of us, the real extent of his problem will become obvious to others, especially as you're not around to cover for him. Of course, at first it will be blamed on the breakup. Sigh.
Hang in there. About all you can do is say "you don't know everything that happened" and leave it at that, if you have to say something.
And in all breakups, people want reasons and they take sides. Your ex is running around playing the victim to everyone and since they only know his version of events and haven't seen him at his worst, they believe him.
It's rough, it really is. I feel for you. In time, if he's like 99% of us, the real extent of his problem will become obvious to others, especially as you're not around to cover for him. Of course, at first it will be blamed on the breakup. Sigh.
Hang in there. About all you can do is say "you don't know everything that happened" and leave it at that, if you have to say something.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 432
Yes. They all drink and do pot and I think one of them even does acid. Ex has even tried it once but right after we met so hid it for a very long time. I really can't believe I didn't think it was an issue.
I don't understand when he says it's just beer. Even now when he claims he is not drinking rum or whiskey. I used to love Scotch but now all I feel is disgust for myself and alcohol. He gets drunk on beer too and it's not like it's water. He says it's like water, though. I read Floyd.P.Garett's articles on Alcoholism and it's terrifying how much I can relate to. I just wish I had read up on all of this sooner. I could've handled it differently or at least "consciously uncoupled" .
I don't understand when he says it's just beer. Even now when he claims he is not drinking rum or whiskey. I used to love Scotch but now all I feel is disgust for myself and alcohol. He gets drunk on beer too and it's not like it's water. He says it's like water, though. I read Floyd.P.Garett's articles on Alcoholism and it's terrifying how much I can relate to. I just wish I had read up on all of this sooner. I could've handled it differently or at least "consciously uncoupled" .
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
All of his friends are drinkers and they all do pot but within reason and they haven't lived with him to know what he does. He will meet once in a while, drink/smoke up and then pass out. What do they know what he is capable of? They should be helping him see that I was not the bad guy but they all hate me for hitting him.
You are researching alcoholism and discovering many things, things you certainly cannot expect his once in a while friends and family to know see and react to, as you have.
Is your thinking that if all of them and his family saw and felt what you felt then they would all push him into recovery and in recovery, he will discover how much he loves you and needs you?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 432
Subconsciously, Yes and I feel sad for wanting him that bad.
Originally Posted by atalose 
How can you expect people your ex meets with once in a while to know, see and feel what you yourself have witnessed, know and felt? They are not you, they did not live with him, and they don’t spend the amount of time with him that you did.
You are researching alcoholism and discovering many things, things you certainly cannot expect his once in a while friends and family to know see and react to, as you have.
Is your thinking that if all of them and his family saw and felt what you felt then they would all push him into recovery and in recovery, he will discover how much he loves you and needs you?
You are researching alcoholism and discovering many things, things you certainly cannot expect his once in a while friends and family to know see and react to, as you have.
Is your thinking that if all of them and his family saw and felt what you felt then they would all push him into recovery and in recovery, he will discover how much he loves you and needs you?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Subconsciously, Yes and I feel sad for wanting him that bad.
We can’t change people, we can’t undo what’s been done about all we can change is our own attitude.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
ltuvia (which i say in my head as LUTvia, sorry):
somewhere along the way YOU got lost in the chaos. somewhere it became all about HIM - helping him, loving him, wanting him, needing him, doing for him, and all the time wanting him to love you back in equal measure.
but there was a problem. his drinking. and that isn't something you can tunnel under, snake around, or leap over. that's HIS barrier to having any type of meaningful long lasting relationship.
now i did want to comment.....hitting people is NEVER ok. if you were here telling us that HE hit YOU, we'd call it abuse and recommend DV counseling for you. you got pushed WAY past your limit and used physical violence upon another. so your starting point should be - how the hell did i get THERE? and how do i get back to a place where i know my limits, my boundaries, and i will never last out at another again.
we can psychoanalyze him til 2025 and it won't get US anywhere. but if we take that same amount of effort, same amount of time, to figure OURSELVES out, we will find ourselves in a much better, happier, healthier place.
somewhere along the way YOU got lost in the chaos. somewhere it became all about HIM - helping him, loving him, wanting him, needing him, doing for him, and all the time wanting him to love you back in equal measure.
but there was a problem. his drinking. and that isn't something you can tunnel under, snake around, or leap over. that's HIS barrier to having any type of meaningful long lasting relationship.
now i did want to comment.....hitting people is NEVER ok. if you were here telling us that HE hit YOU, we'd call it abuse and recommend DV counseling for you. you got pushed WAY past your limit and used physical violence upon another. so your starting point should be - how the hell did i get THERE? and how do i get back to a place where i know my limits, my boundaries, and i will never last out at another again.
we can psychoanalyze him til 2025 and it won't get US anywhere. but if we take that same amount of effort, same amount of time, to figure OURSELVES out, we will find ourselves in a much better, happier, healthier place.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Sometimes we see things much better and in their entirety when we step back ... we get a better view, so to speak. A broader view. Those that are closer to us do not always have the best view of what's really going on....and their feelings are involved which can skew things...we all carry a certain amount of bias too.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Originally Posted by Ituvia
It's so weird that people who I don't even know have so much insight while people who spend years with us don't know what we want/feel/need. It's sad and weird at the same time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 432
To think that all the efforts went to waste leaving me scared, confused, alone and hurt. I didn't even ask for movie love just normal people love. I have apparently meant nothing and I've lost the competition to a bottle.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 432
Just realized that most of the material things that I have right now, belong to him. All that I spent was for the booze, to buy household things and for the dogs etc. Technically, I don't own anything. Isn't that nice? I called the helper guy and asked him to take all of this away since I have to move in 10 days and I have no place left to go. Feeling awful.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Ituvia....maybe, you can just rent a room, temporarily, at someplace that will allow your dogs....to give you time to regroup..
Perhaps it is a silver lining to all this that you have to move....to start over as a free woman......
You know what...you can replace the material things....those things are far less important than your heart, soul, and your peace of mind......
Perhaps it is a silver lining to all this that you have to move....to start over as a free woman......
You know what...you can replace the material things....those things are far less important than your heart, soul, and your peace of mind......
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
