Alcoholic boyfriend dumped me
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Ituvia....I think you are doing really well...and, trying hard to do the right thing for your own welfare....
Yes....I know, the "Missing him" is a real downer....and, it is really acute, in the beginning.....I felt it helpful when I established a certain time, each day to let it out...I gave myself one hour of time to cry...every n ight, at first.
Ariesagain is right....the more days you put behind you....the better.
Blessed Time is on your side....
It is a good idea to not look for the "missing" and the sadness to go away, all at once...just look for it to lessen in stages...
Keep on reading.....
Yes....I know, the "Missing him" is a real downer....and, it is really acute, in the beginning.....I felt it helpful when I established a certain time, each day to let it out...I gave myself one hour of time to cry...every n ight, at first.
Ariesagain is right....the more days you put behind you....the better.
Blessed Time is on your side....
It is a good idea to not look for the "missing" and the sadness to go away, all at once...just look for it to lessen in stages...
Keep on reading.....
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 432
He knows where I live and seeing him keeps the wound fresh. He called again, I didn't pick up, and I just don't want him coming over drunk and saying hurtful things. I know he doesn't want to get back but he will certainly say something that'd hurt me. At this point even hearing his voice will be painful. I just don't know why he didn't take all of his stuff last week. He has left his books behind and has told the helper guy that he has no space at the moment to take them.
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Ituvia....If he is like most alcoholics, he probably feels very entitled to rely on you as his "helper"...for all things. sort of like a parent-child type of entitlement.
Lol...the majority of parents still keep some of their kid's stuff in the attic or basement...because it was never "convenient" for them to take it.....
It is, also, common for a person to leave some articles behind as a good excuse to return, again....a hook.....
You will see, on this forum, countless situations where the haggling over the "stuff" can become a long, drawn out expedition.....manipulation.
Babe---use all of your problem solving skills to get it all gone as soon as you can.....
He knew you would take care of the stuff...and, apparently, you didn't insist that he take all of his stuff, did you? I'll bet you were in the mind of being more helpful, to him, than assertive on your side of things....?
Lol...the majority of parents still keep some of their kid's stuff in the attic or basement...because it was never "convenient" for them to take it.....
It is, also, common for a person to leave some articles behind as a good excuse to return, again....a hook.....
You will see, on this forum, countless situations where the haggling over the "stuff" can become a long, drawn out expedition.....manipulation.
Babe---use all of your problem solving skills to get it all gone as soon as you can.....
He knew you would take care of the stuff...and, apparently, you didn't insist that he take all of his stuff, did you? I'll bet you were in the mind of being more helpful, to him, than assertive on your side of things....?
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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I just don't know why he didn't take all of his stuff last week. He has left his books behind and has told the helper guy that he has no space at the moment to take them.
Like I said in a previous post to you leaving stuff keeps you on the back burner. Id give him an ultimatum on when the books have to be gone or say you are getting rid of them if they are not taken by such and such a date ...maybe give him a week. My exah refused to take his workshop tools so I gave him time then they all went to a veterans charity to teach vets carpentry skills.
Like I said in a previous post to you leaving stuff keeps you on the back burner. Id give him an ultimatum on when the books have to be gone or say you are getting rid of them if they are not taken by such and such a date ...maybe give him a week. My exah refused to take his workshop tools so I gave him time then they all went to a veterans charity to teach vets carpentry skills.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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Yes, he broke up with you and now you're desperately miserable. If you get miserable enough long enough, you might soften up enough to let him come back, no questions asked. That's what happens.
I don't even think it's a concious thought process for most...they manipulate on an instinctive level.
I don't even think it's a concious thought process for most...they manipulate on an instinctive level.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
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Never knew he could manipulate. Could it be that it is instinctive now that he is progressing in his addiction? I feel extremely sad for him. I was taking my dogs out this evening and saw the gorgeous sunset and thought, how we could've held hands and watched it together. Which of course, he never does. He doesn't know how to enjoy the little things, I suppose.
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Ituvia....go and read the thread of soinlove....as this very dynamic is being talked about, on that thread, today!
You are expecting that he think like you do. That he applies the same logic to situations, the same way you would.
He didn't break up with you , for YOU. He broke up with you, for HIM. You and he are separate individuals with different end goals....and, different needs to be served....
Why didn't you INSIST that he take them, when he was there , before?
Too bad, really, if it is inconvenient for him. Lots of things in life are inconvenient. Was it convenient for you to have him break up with you...of course not. He is not crying for your inconvenience, is he.
As someone, here, just yesterday, said--"Codies tend to go waaay overboard in the giving...and, alcoholics go waaay overboard in the taking"....
No doubt, he received a lot of attractive comforts in his relationship with you...and, he will. no doubt, be missing that part. But, the responsibility to the relationship...not so much.
As was said...he, no doubt, would, in the recesses of his mind, like to keep you on the back burner....just in case....
A potential "shelter from the storm"....
While that might be, secretly, flattering to you (nobody likes to feel dumped). and supplies a certain kind of soothing ego need....in reality, if it were carried out, it would keep you, perpetually, in the service mode....
Healthy relationships don't thrive like that....It is an uneven playing field....
You are expecting that he think like you do. That he applies the same logic to situations, the same way you would.
He didn't break up with you , for YOU. He broke up with you, for HIM. You and he are separate individuals with different end goals....and, different needs to be served....
Why didn't you INSIST that he take them, when he was there , before?
Too bad, really, if it is inconvenient for him. Lots of things in life are inconvenient. Was it convenient for you to have him break up with you...of course not. He is not crying for your inconvenience, is he.
As someone, here, just yesterday, said--"Codies tend to go waaay overboard in the giving...and, alcoholics go waaay overboard in the taking"....
No doubt, he received a lot of attractive comforts in his relationship with you...and, he will. no doubt, be missing that part. But, the responsibility to the relationship...not so much.
As was said...he, no doubt, would, in the recesses of his mind, like to keep you on the back burner....just in case....
A potential "shelter from the storm"....
While that might be, secretly, flattering to you (nobody likes to feel dumped). and supplies a certain kind of soothing ego need....in reality, if it were carried out, it would keep you, perpetually, in the service mode....
Healthy relationships don't thrive like that....It is an uneven playing field....
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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Originally Posted by Ituvia 
His helper guy called and said he was crying about the dogs. I feel like such a terrible person right now.
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Itruvia.....My first question is why did the Helper Guy feel the need to call you and tell you about it? What does the helper guy expect you to do? Maybe, take him back?
Didn't he break up with you?
I suspect that he is getting his helper person to help him lay on your hot button...your "guilt" button....
And, it is working like a charm, I think....
In the course of the disease...alcoholics will lose so many things....vehicles, jobs, houses, posessions (left behind), pets, relationships of every kind,
I am not saying that they like it...they may cry a lot, when it happens....but, it is part of the consequences of the drinking, and, because of the denial...they just don't make the connection between their drinking and the consequences....
Can you spell out, specifically, wh at makes you a terrible person? If you FEEL like you are....you must be telling yourself that you are...in your self talk....
Are you feeling responsible for his consequences? -cause that is what good codies do....
Didn't he break up with you?
I suspect that he is getting his helper person to help him lay on your hot button...your "guilt" button....
And, it is working like a charm, I think....
In the course of the disease...alcoholics will lose so many things....vehicles, jobs, houses, posessions (left behind), pets, relationships of every kind,
I am not saying that they like it...they may cry a lot, when it happens....but, it is part of the consequences of the drinking, and, because of the denial...they just don't make the connection between their drinking and the consequences....
Can you spell out, specifically, wh at makes you a terrible person? If you FEEL like you are....you must be telling yourself that you are...in your self talk....
Are you feeling responsible for his consequences? -cause that is what good codies do....
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Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 59
Originally Posted by Ariesagain
If it bothers him that much he could get serious about recovery.
Who is his "helper guy"? And why do you need to take his calls?
Who is his "helper guy"? And why do you need to take his calls?
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Join Date: Feb 2017
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The helper guys works as a lift assistant in my apartment complex. He is helping him move his stuff. He has told him that he is drinking only beer now and is going to gym from tomorrow or something and broke down crying when he heard my dogs bark when he was outside to pick his shoes that I left. Feeling like absolute crap right now. Why couldn't he have done those things earlier? He wouldn't be missing his dogs now had he done that.
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dandylion, I feel terrible for taking his dogs away and refusing to let him see them. They meant so much to him but just not enough to make the change for them if not for me. Sometimes he'd drink and pass out and I would have to wake him up to get him to take them for a walk. Sometimes I would get frustrated and take them both times of the day.
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Ituvia...this is great! His helper person can take the books for him, hold them, and deliver them to him! Your boyfriend can pay him for his trouble.
Itruvia...I just have to ask....are you missing the p art where he is an alcoholic and these are the kinds of things they do?
Or, are you asking rhetorical questions...because you already "know " the truth...but, you mind is not able to accept it, yet...?
A normal part of mourning IS to ruminate through these kinds of questions, and to ventilat e your feelings, to others......
It might be a good idea for you to go back, many times, and reread your whole threads and the posts that others have made to you....
I would put the Kabosh on talking to him (on any media), or his friends, about him.
This, I can tell you....that every time you interact with him...any way....you will get fresh pain....
(because it is "intermittent reinforcement"---the most powerful of all the reinforcements. You can google "classic intermittent reinforcement experiments".....it will really make a light bulb go off, I predict....
Itruvia...I just have to ask....are you missing the p art where he is an alcoholic and these are the kinds of things they do?
Or, are you asking rhetorical questions...because you already "know " the truth...but, you mind is not able to accept it, yet...?
A normal part of mourning IS to ruminate through these kinds of questions, and to ventilat e your feelings, to others......
It might be a good idea for you to go back, many times, and reread your whole threads and the posts that others have made to you....
I would put the Kabosh on talking to him (on any media), or his friends, about him.
This, I can tell you....that every time you interact with him...any way....you will get fresh pain....
(because it is "intermittent reinforcement"---the most powerful of all the reinforcements. You can google "classic intermittent reinforcement experiments".....it will really make a light bulb go off, I predict....
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
He has told him that he is drinking only beer now
Drinking beer is not recovery. Even if it were true which I highly doubt. So him doing that when he was still with you would not have been improvement. I doubt he cares much about the dogs either but knows it's one of your hot buttons to make you feel bad. Ignore the lift guy.
Drinking beer is not recovery. Even if it were true which I highly doubt. So him doing that when he was still with you would not have been improvement. I doubt he cares much about the dogs either but knows it's one of your hot buttons to make you feel bad. Ignore the lift guy.
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he's feeling sorry for HIMSELF. do NOT take it personally.
let helper guy know he isn't helping YOU with these updates. he's not the town crier, nor your ex's personal spokesman.
ONLY drinking beer is not a plan.
going to the gym TOMORROW is not a plan.
feeling very sorry for his poor widdle self IS his plan.
let helper guy know he isn't helping YOU with these updates. he's not the town crier, nor your ex's personal spokesman.
ONLY drinking beer is not a plan.
going to the gym TOMORROW is not a plan.
feeling very sorry for his poor widdle self IS his plan.
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