musiclady14

This is maybe a strange question but I'll ask it anyway. I'm not proud of it, but over the years I have occasionally checked my AH' s cell phone when he leaves it lying around. I have found that it's one of the only ways to discover any truth. And I'm almost always hurt by what I see. I know that and yet I still feel compelled to check it at times. And when I hear his phone go off for a message notification, I feel anxious. Like it's a trigger. Habit, I suppose. My kids and I are leaving in 11 days. And I truly don't care anymore when it comes to him.

Yet I just fought off an overwhelming urge to check his phone while he was out doing chores. It seems he took it out with him this time anyway, which strangely made me feel panicky. Like, OMG, what's he hiding now?! He didn't leave it in the house like he usually does. After years of not trusting him, I have become a super slueth...lol. But I hate feeling compelled to invade someone's privacy.

Anyway, I feel as though it's all habit. Trying to figure out what he's up to before I get side swiped by it. I also found out not long ago that he cheated on his first wife and left her for that woman. And more recently, I realized that the second woman was still in his life when we met. He dumped her for me. As far as I know he hasn't been unfaithful. I guess a part of me just wants to get out before that happens. Just needed to vent. Feeling shaky today. Any thoughts? Am I just continuing to protect myself? Can't wait to be out of here.

AnvilheadII

the "checking" thing becomes a habit.....akin to an OCD ritual. i HAVE to do this in order to feel SAFE. his phone is part of your ritual.

also with the finish line (or starting line??) in sight, all your synapses and nerve endings are fired up and overly sensitive. you are in fight or flight mode. about to do the FLIGHT part!!!!

it's ok. we've all checked something.

hang in there!

Penguin87

Hi Musiclady, I don't have any wise words but I just wanted to say you are definitely not the only one. I used to check my xabfs phone when he was asleep. Not sure what I was looking for but I'd check his phone log, his texts and his email, not always at once. Perhaps I was looking for a text arranging a pub meet when he was supposed to be not drinking or a text flirting with an ex colleague etc. Never found the former but I guess he'd delete those but I did find the latter but in the end I didn't care and gave up looking.
Hugs to you my friend. You're doing well and being so strong even if you sometimes don't believe it. You will soon be free of this x

MicroMacro

Wow. When you found something on his phone, what stopped you from confronting him? Did you not want to have to admit that you went through his things? Was going through his phone worse than what you found on it? Has he told you nothing but lies from day one?

One day is a long time not to trust the person you love.

You have to sneak behind his back (like he's been sneaking behind yours) to discover what his "real" life is about and now you're at a point where you can't wait to "be out of" there ... that looks awful. Does he know you're about to take off?

What would happen if you said "We need to talk"?

Maudcat

Well, it sounds like he likes to have a back up woman, at least. I can understand the checking. It's a defense against whatever spouse- goofiness might be coming down the pike.
Focus on your plan to go forward. You will feel better when it's done.

musiclady14

I've done all the confronting and "let's talk" approaches over the years. Nothing changed. He knows I've looked at his phone. And, yes...he knows I'm leaving soon.

And, yes, I discovered that my husband isn't good with honesty not long after we got married. I stayed because I hoped it would improve. I stayed for the kids. And now I'm leaving for my sanity and a healthy environment for my kids and I. My AH is slowly killing himself in front of us every day, and the verbal abuse has worsened. I'm still figuring out how to help myself now because I hate where I'm at with all this.

Bekindalways

Sounds like you have been through the wringer. And good for you for having a plan.

I wonder if you could try urge surfing when you want to check on him. This is recommended to Alcoholics in recovery. I believe a description of this technique is in the stickies on the Newcomers forum.

Best to you at this tough time.

Ariesagain

Are you gathering info for a divorce? Because as ugly as it is, you and your children need all the ammunition you can get.

Snooping is bad. But what's worse is living with someone you can never trust so you feel as if it's necessary.

It's sad and bad but it's justified.

OT4Kids

I understand your desire to know the truth. I think the urge to check his phone is now a habit triggered by anxiety. Good for you to have a plan to move on with your kids!

musiclady14

I agree. And thank you. I was reading your recent thread last night, OT. Hugs to you. You've been through so much and my heart goes out to you and your children.

Hummer

I'm 43 and have never snooped until 2 years ago.
Each time I had a strange feeling about someone and had an opportunity to check - my fears were confirmed.

It's just awful when u realise your husband/partner is dishonest and untrustworthy - in my case this has not improved and I'm at the beginning stages of divorce after almost 5 years.

Take care of yourself - best wishes for the move!

hopeful4

I could have gotten a job with the FBI I had become such a good detective.

What I have found is that usually your gut is right. If you feel something is off, it likely is.

Just my .02 for what it's worth