dandylion

Itruvia....about the dogs...I do get the part that none of us with the capacity for empathy and compassion, feel comfortable when another is crying and hurting.
We are human and it is a good thing that we have that capacity.....
I am the same way...especially, when animals are concerned.

this is why it is important to keep your head in charge, rather than your heart. Your heart is too vulnerable to be trusted, right now.....Your heart got you to this place, anyhow...lol.
If you listen to only your heart,,without countering it with your head....you can get sucked back into the duck soup, so easlily.

We all probably sound so mean and cold to you...because we are trying to save you, and point out where the rocks in the water, are.....

Ituvia

Anvilhead, that makes sense. The helper guy told me these things because I asked him. I don't know why I did that. Now I am back to where I was two days ago. I will tell him tomorrow to not update me even if I ask.
Him saying drinking beer and gymming is just starting to make me feel guilty. Was I nagging? Was I so angry that he had no choice but to drink or did I make it worse? I would often yell and fight with him about things and say mean things(I don't know why) and he'd just sit there and not say a word. Even if I fight, he'd apologize. I am not sure what I turned into or what I turned him into.

AnvilheadII

hon, some relationships are just plain ole TOXIC. and some people are just bad for each other.

there's a reason we don't put eggs in the microwave. it never ENDS well!!! goes boom and makes a big huge mess. and it can take a long time to clean up that mess..........

deep breaths. you are not powerful enough to make someone DRINK. unless you held him down, put a funnel down his throat, and poured the alcohol in, IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.

alcoholics "go to" for any situation is to drink.

good day.
bad day.
thursday.
national pellet stove day.
fired from work.
got a raise at work.
lost wallet.
found a wallet with $20 in it.
fight with girlfriend.
hot sex with girlfriend.
burnt my toast.
stubbed my toe.
summer.
football.
stock market.

you get the idea.......

dandylion

Itruvia.....You should put this on your refridgerator door---"Alcoholics drink because that is what they do" There is always an excuse....always.
He would have found reasons to drink, whether you were nagging him,or not.....

I'll tell you this....the best gift you can give an alcoholic is to give them a really angry "come to Jesus" talk! You play right into their hands, when you do that.
/because, it gives them an easy excuse to go drinking, and they feel justified in blaming you for it.
But, if you were a perpetual, quiet mouse....he would still have found some reasons to drink. No come to Jesus talks, required....
So, don't you see.... his alcoholism and drinking has nothing to do with you...what you did or didn't do....an alcoholic, not in recovery, is gonna drink!

AlfAngskvist

I totally agree...

Ituvia

His reasoning always was, you also drink. I think in the process of being with him, I have become dependent to an extent but I KNOW the progression so I will have to stop too. It makes no sense hating the habit on someone else and doing it yourself. You're right, it was toxic and I did contribute to 50% of it. Someone pointed out that it was a bad match yesterday and I felt so bad. We were so good together. I think I was angry and frustrated because he would get drunk and not even focus on anything else. I had physical needs that were never satisfied. First thing he would say after coming from work is let me go get some whiskey. No how are you or how was your day. After two years I think I got even more frustrated and took it out on him when he'd get drunk. Hitting him and yelling at him.I became the worst version of myself.

Ituvia

Five years in total doing just this.

dandylion

Itruvia....this is why we say that the alcoholism effects the loved ones just like it affects the alcoholic. That is why we, also, suggest that the broken and hurting partner work on their own healing...because they are always affected by the loved one's drinking......

atalose

I think I was angry and frustrated because he would get drunk and not even focus on anything else.

I had physical needs that were never satisfied.

First thing he would say after coming from work is let me go get some whiskey.No how are you or how was your day.

After two years I think I got even more frustrated and took it out on him when he'd get drunk.

Hitting him and yelling at him.I became the worst version of myself.

So what part were you so good together? And when was that? In the very beginning?

Ituvia

The first two years, he really tried to make the change I think. He'd fall off the wagon many times. He recently went 15 days without drinking in Jan and since I wanted to drink one day, he joined in and then kept going. I don't know how he went from let's get married to let's break up in two days. I want to send him some articles that he can read but not sure how helpful it'll be.

LexieCat

Not helpful AT ALL. Trust me on that.

He knows how to operate a computer, right? If he ever decides he wants to stop drinking, it's a simple task to find all the information on alcoholism and recovery you could ever want or use. Until then, articles won't PERSUADE him that he should stop drinking.

Focus on you.

Ariesagain

Don't send the articles...it's just inviting more involvement and you're not the one who should be researching his recovery.

No contact. It's the shortest road to Over Him.

Ituvia

I am afraid that if I cut all contact he may begin to hate me more. I haven't seen/spoken to him for over five days. What if he wants to go to rehab and what if he gets better?

LexieCat

IF he wants to go to rehab, and IF he wants to get better, he doesn't need you to take those steps. Seriously. And it's no reflection on you, or how good a partner you were. It's often easier to manage recovery when you're NOT in a relationship. I'm very glad I was single when I got sober, because I would NOT have been good company, and it would have been a distraction to deal with another person.

Know what? If he hates you, he hates you. I doubt that he does, but there's nothing you can do if that's where he's going. All you will do, by maintaining contact with him, is prolong your own pain.

You guys were a toxic mix at this point. You are probably both better off apart right now.

Ituvia

Yes, we are not good for each other now but what about when he gets better? I just miss him so much. I keep going back and forth about him.

LexieCat

Listen, it could be years -- decades -- before he's ready to get sober. You gonna wait that long? When he hasn't shown the slightest interest in doing it?

Most alcoholics have to rack up a LOT of losses before they get to that point. And you could have a front-row seat for that train wreck waiting to happen.

Ituvia

Yes, I can't wait that long. Just trying to get by each day and each day is excruciating pain knowing I can't do anything to help. I am in hell at work and at home. Reading all these threads help but I go back to thinking about him all the time. Not a day goes by when I haven't thought about him every waking second.

dandylion

Ituvia......I had a really difficult breakup, one time. I, also, thought about him, just as you describe....I am amazed that I didn't become dehydrated from crying so much.
Lots of people find themselves stuck in a situation that is bad for them because they are so unwilling to go through the short-term pain for the long-term gain.
----what they do is to trade in the short-term pain and opt.,back, for the long term pain....
Lol....the irony in that is that a person will want more pain over less pain....

This principle applies to all situations.

The sticky wicket, when alcoholism is in the deal...is that, the long-term pain doesn't stay at the same level...Since alcoholism is progressive---meaning that it gets worse, as time goes on.
The short -term pain ends. The long term pain goes on forever and grows more intense.

Ituvia

Even when we were together, I didn't think about him that much. We just went for a holiday and came back, he said he wants to marry me as recently as two days before the break up. I don't know what the hell went wrong. I keep having break downs at work and go running to the loo. At home, I got panic attacks. Panic attack for getting my pay check. For the first time I didn't know what I was going to do. How I am going to pay the bills or what the hell to do with my money, my life and my dogs. I just want to die.

dandylion

Ituvia....I posted my last post, just above yours. Please read it......