Guilt, guilt and more guilt

Old 01-31-2017, 03:20 PM
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Guilt, guilt and more guilt

I am grappling with extreme guilt right now about my plan

I *know* it is a safety precaution to file a protective order and to have him served without my involvement = surprise attack on him.

I feel so sad and guilty doing this to the person I have loved and lived with for so many years. I also know that I do not trust him and I hope these safety precautions prove me wrong I really do. I just can't shake this enormous guilt... My mind wavers between both sides of AH.

I need NEED to follow through on my plans, that is for sure. It's the execution of this plan that goes against my way of thinking (which is why I am in this boat to begin with I realize this)

Just had to vent that here.
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Old 01-31-2017, 03:32 PM
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Is it guilt or is it fear of his reaction? Once you've been trained to feel continually responsible for his moods and reactions and walk on eggshells to avoid setting him off, this feels like setting off a bomb.

I'm glad you have a plan to be safe, just in case. Seems like most just sink into self-pity, victimization and the bottle, but for those who are control freaks as well as addicts, you have to be prepared, yes?

You're choosing you over his drinking, because he has chosen his drinking over you.
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Old 01-31-2017, 03:45 PM
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sweets, go back and read your very first post here.
it was almost exactly two years ago.
and you said almost exactly the same thing. verbatim.

nothing changes if nothing changes.
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Old 01-31-2017, 03:45 PM
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain View Post
Is it guilt or is it fear of his reaction? Once you've been trained to feel continually responsible for his moods and reactions and walk on eggshells to avoid setting him off, this feels like setting off a bomb.

I'm glad you have a plan to be safe, just in case. Seems like most just sink into self-pity, victimization and the bottle, but for those who are control freaks as well as addicts, you have to be prepared, yes?

You're choosing you over his drinking, because he has chosen his drinking over you.
I would say it is both;
Fear: why I have planned this exit strategy in secret
Guilt: planning in secret, bold faced lying to him by omission and knowing he does have a heart sometimes and he will be surprise attacked by this.
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Old 01-31-2017, 03:51 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
sweets, go back and read your very first post here.
it was almost exactly two years ago.
and you said almost exactly the same thing. verbatim.

nothing changes if nothing changes.
Ugh. You are correct.
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Old 01-31-2017, 04:08 PM
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Just real quick- haven't read all the posts and I am short on time. I felt ENORMOUS guilt before I left - which immediately waned once I was gone. I took steps to preserve my best interests and that included leaving without telling and filing for divorce so I could protect the finances. I haven't touched the joint funds- but he did. He acted without honor or respect. I did it that way because I did not trust him and he proved me right.
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Old 01-31-2017, 04:10 PM
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thousandwords....I, in fact, just went back and read all of your posts.
speaking of "hearts".....it is apparent, from your posts...his actions have eroded your heart, bit by bit, for a long time. When your son said, two years ago, that when he grew up he wasn't going to grow up to be a drunk like his dad? I know that had to be a punch in your heart.
Living in the constant worry and stress erodes a person of their self esteem and hurts them down into their soul.....
His "heart" does not keep him from grinding away at your heart and your self esttem, and your very soul.....

In my book...."lying" for self protection is not a sin. All creatures are allowed self protection! Even, during world War 11 the Catholic nuns lied to the police to save the lives of countless people. They did not consider it a sin.
Lying to p rotect your children is not a sin.

Now, I have know lots and lots of people who have been served protections orders....were they surprised? Sure. Did it kill them...absolutely not. Many of them stomped and growled for a while...but, they adjusted to it.
Just like you have adjusted to living in hell. The thing is...he has done this to himself by mistreating you and the children. You don't deserve how you are living.....
I know that you have the conditioned response to protect him. but, you will be surprised how the false "guilt that you are feeling will go away, after a while.
grieving is made up of lots of feelings...guilt, anger, sadness, feat, etc.---yet, people get over it. I call it the short-term pain for the long term gain.....

I think that it would be a m uch worse trade to feel guilty for keeping the children in this situation......

There comes a time when you just have to do what you know you have to do....
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Old 01-31-2017, 04:19 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
thousandwords....I, in fact, just went back and read all of your posts.
speaking of "hearts".....it is apparent, from your posts...his actions have eroded your heart, bit by bit, for a long time. When your son said, two years ago, that when he grew up he wasn't going to grow up to be a drunk like his dad? I know that had to be a punch in your heart.
Living in the constant worry and stress erodes a person of their self esteem and hurts them down into their soul.....
His "heart" does not keep him from grinding away at your heart and your self esttem, and your very soul.....

In my book...."lying" for self protection is not a sin. All creatures are allowed self protection! Even, during world War 11 the Catholic nuns lied to the police to save the lives of countless people. They did not consider it a sin.
Lying to p rotect your children is not a sin.

Now, I have know lots and lots of people who have been served protections orders....were they surprised? Sure. Did it kill them...absolutely not. Many of them stomped and growled for a while...but, they adjusted to it.
Just like you have adjusted to living in hell. The thing is...he has done this to himself by mistreating you and the children. You don't deserve how you are living.....
I know that you have the conditioned response to protect him. but, you will be surprised how the false "guilt that you are feeling will go away, after a while.
grieving is made up of lots of feelings...guilt, anger, sadness, feat, etc.---yet, people get over it. I call it the short-term pain for the long term gain.....

I think that it would be a m uch worse trade to feel guilty for keeping the children in this situation......

There comes a time when you just have to do what you know you have to do....
Thank you for this. This is what I really needed today. I will probably need to read that daily until "go time". I have already addressed this in counseling and to my best friend...I just feel like I need an army on my side some moments so thank you ALL. Very much.
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Old 01-31-2017, 04:21 PM
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Dandylion expressed exactly my view (and wrote it about 1,000 times better than I ever could have).
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Old 01-31-2017, 04:28 PM
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It is absolutely NOT an "attack" of any kind. You have legitimate reasons for concern about your own safety. Giving him a "heads up" defeats the entire PURPOSE. It's not that you're playing "gotcha," it's that you are exercising sound judgment in proceeding in a cautious way.
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Old 01-31-2017, 04:34 PM
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planning in secret, bold faced lying to him by omission and knowing he does have a heart sometimes and he will be surprise attacked by this.
Hun, all bets are off when you want out and have to do it safely.
You aren't attacking him, you are saving yourself.....and hey....leaving just might have a hand in leading him to save himself one day.
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Old 01-31-2017, 04:43 PM
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Originally Posted by firebolt View Post
Hun, all bets are off when you want out and have to do it safely.
You aren't attacking him, you are saving yourself.....and hey....leaving just might have a hand in leading him to save himself one day.
Yes, and that is my hope!
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Old 01-31-2017, 04:47 PM
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I am being too emotional about it when I shouldn't/there is no room for that right now. I am reading a great book that's helping me with this...but my mind will get away from me and I get upset with myself. Thank you all for being here to reign it in when I'm losing it!
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Old 01-31-2017, 04:50 PM
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Sending you a hug.
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Old 01-31-2017, 06:06 PM
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TW,
You have an army behind you. Its the SR Army. We are a powerful group of people. You took your time and are executing this exactly as planned. You can do this. No one said that emotions cant be involved. I signed my divorce papers and cried my eyes out. The judge told the bailiff to get me a box of tissues. I didn't want to divorce the man that I still loved. But I knew there was not another option for me after 34 years of waiting for his sobriety.

Sometimes we need to follow our brain and not our heart. Sending hugs that you find clarity in all your decisions you choose to make.
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Old 01-31-2017, 06:20 PM
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I was thinking more about this...the thing is, you're an honest, decent, loyal person. Deceit does not sit well with you. The insanity of this situation is that it's so messed up that these wonderful qualities of yours could be used against you and your children. That's the awful truth of it.

But doing this now serves a greater good in keeping you and your children safe. You didn't choose to be in a situation where these tactics were necessary...he created this. You're just trying to get out the door to a better life.

It's not your fault.
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Old 01-31-2017, 06:27 PM
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Tap into your support systems for help - there's nothing wrong with asking for help. You don't have to drink to suffer from alcoholism. We experience guilt when we start taking care of ourselves. Take care of you.
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Old 02-01-2017, 05:28 AM
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I think thoughtful makes a good point....Those of us who give our all to others...without enough thought for our own selves...feel guilt for just about anything. It gets to be our go to response.

We feel guilty for even buying a new dress for ourselves....even if we haven't bought one for years!
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Old 02-01-2017, 11:08 AM
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain View Post
I was thinking more about this...the thing is, you're an honest, decent, loyal person. Deceit does not sit well with you. The insanity of this situation is that it's so messed up that these wonderful qualities of yours could be used against you and your children. That's the awful truth of it.

But doing this now serves a greater good in keeping you and your children safe. You didn't choose to be in a situation where these tactics were necessary...he created this. You're just trying to get out the door to a better life.

It's not your fault.
This really helped me, along with Dandy's words, well, EVERYONE's words of kindness has really made me feel better when my mind goes out of whack lol. I probably re-read this thread 20 times yesterday, just to reaffirm myself. It was an especially hard night for me because it was actually a decent night (abuse wise, yes he still drank) but we actually hung out and watched a movie and it was nice. The alcoholism is a huge elephant in the room and because of the abusive dynamic I am left with just acting hunky dory ...deep down he must know but I am beyond repeating myself on how I feel..on how things are. In August I told him exactly how I felt and I should not have to constantly repeat myself and remind someone how to be a decent person, right? gah.

I will keep reading my books and these threads and continue on as planned. I will also update my accountability post with progress because that keeps me on track with my plan. Hugs to you ALL.
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Old 02-01-2017, 04:06 PM
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Hi Thousandwords. Think about your needs not his. Think of how a protective order will benefit you? Do you think he will be any better just because you chose not to have a protective order. IMO, no.

He may be better to get what he wants. It would not be long term for what the relationship needs. It will be good for a year or two and you can decide after that time away from him.

You're doing so well. You make the path for us.
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