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putting on a show...

Old 11-03-2016, 04:05 PM
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putting on a show...

STBXAH is putting on a really good show of being "successful" while continuing to drink. He has a nice house now, living with the OW, and is pretty much busting his rear to look good and get back into the good graces of his (dysfunctional, enmeshed, very wealthy) family.

It's working for everyone but me. I'm being civil, we're working out visitation with our kids, and we're proceeding with the divorce (which he filed for and I'm quite certain his mother is paying for). I'm getting the "public" version of him, the one he tries to project to everyone, the super-nice-guy-who-loves-his-kids-and-is-improving-his-life persona that he desperately wants people to believe, and also wants to believe himself.

And now his parents are coming back to FL (they are "snowbirds"), so the Super Dad show is going to begin full-force. He told me that he's going back to work in the family business, which actually will benefit me and the kids but still kind of makes me mad. His father is talking to him now. He's got everyone snowed.

But I know that his path is not sustainable. I know he's still drinking. I'm biding my time, taking notes when necessary. I'm just glad that so much of him is NOT my problem anymore. The healthier I get, the more I realize just how messed up he truly is, how messed up I was, and how I NEVER want to go back to being treated as less than I deserve.

Just felt like sharing.
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Old 11-03-2016, 04:44 PM
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You are not alone. Seems to happen alot.
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Old 11-03-2016, 07:06 PM
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Yes, happens a lot. I feel the same way - all talk and no action on part of XAH speak volumes. He also admitted that "maintaining a good face" has always been important to him. Apparently, me/DS are the only two people who he does not feel like maintaining a good face for. Oh well. Not my circus
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Old 11-03-2016, 08:26 PM
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TW,
People aren't fooled by his actions. After I got the divorce, people told me what an xss he was. I always felt people thought he was the bomb, but they see it, we just hid it from most.

Step out of his way and let him do his stuff. It will only be a matter of time before the family biz won't put up with it.
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Old 11-04-2016, 02:52 AM
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TropicalWinter.....thank God you are able to detach from his side of the street.

LOl...we know them so well that we can see through the fašade....

I think that you will find, that, as the years go on...his little Road Show will matter less and less......even your anger "still makes me mad".....will fade into apathy....
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Old 11-04-2016, 03:45 AM
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I'm looking forward to the day when my feelings about stuff like this fade into apathy. Right now things are still too fresh and raw. This new phase only started in September with him getting his house and moving out of the nasty trailer. Before that, I had limited contact with him. Now I have to deal with him a lot more, and it's been hard.

And yes, people DO believe it. His family is so enmeshed and dysfunctional, and I know for a fact that his mom has been desperate to bring him "back into the fold" because his dad has been having health issues. His family is ALL about appearances and tends toward denial. For a while they seemed to have good boundaries with STBXAH and understood the nature of what was going on with his addictions, but that is no longer the case. They're back to enabling.
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Old 11-04-2016, 05:41 AM
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I think "the show" is the thing that I can't stand most about my dysfunctional family of origin. All that my alcoholic mother ever cared about was what "other people think." We went no contact with she and my dad in March and really have heard very little from them until now, with the holidays coming up. Instead of actually really missing us, their family, they are really more concerned with what will people think if they aren't spending the holidays with their kids and grandkids. The show is just so empty -appearances and no real feeling. I am so grateful that I was able to break free of that to have authentic, genuine relationships.
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Old 11-04-2016, 06:40 AM
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One of my friends broke up with her SO. They had been together 10 years. To look at him, you would think he was the total package: smart, funny, good looking, good job, nice house. It wasn't until you got to know him that you could see he was crazy controlling, way out of touch with his emotions--totally shut down-- AND he smoked a lot of weed, which my friend came to detest. She did not make the decision lightly, but she believed she was better off without him than with him. As you know, people can don a mask that hides them for a while. Eventually, their true self leaks out. Peace.
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Old 11-04-2016, 07:01 AM
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TropicalWinter.....if you were to take a poll.....most of the time (but not all), when there is a divorce or major split...family will side with their own. Family loyalty, family bonding, and all those kinds of dynamics.
I know it hurts. I have been through divorce...so, I know.....
It is just o ne of those realities of divorce. Just like the fact that most p eople take a financjal "hit" in divorce.
I believe that the most important thing, in regards to the in-laws is this---If it is at all possible...for the adults to detach from their hurt and anger, enough, so that the children can still have a relationship with their extended family (even if we don't care, much, for them).
Extended family is an important blessing for children, as they go through life.
Blessed is the child who has grandparents and cousins......
This is a different matter if the inlaws are toxic to the kids, of course.

Tropicalwinter..I do get what you mean about your feelings are very raw, right now.....
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Old 11-04-2016, 01:51 PM
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My two cents: I agree with dandylion that, unless the extended family is truly toxic, it would benefit the kids to have some knd of relationship with them. Up to you, of course. You know them better than I do.
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