qtpi

5 months out. one month until divorce. It helps to think of him as a stranger I have no obligation towards. It releases me. A little part of me says but.. but.. but... he was/is your husband! My brother is coming to town next week and he is ultra- religious and I know if I see him he will talk about marriage vows-- so I am very busy next week and don't have time to see him. I am avoiding people who want to give him another chance. I kept the goings -on in our marriage private and only opened up to some a few short months before I left. A few family and friends say to me- but he has stopped drinking. I am so tempted to see if it is true, but I will not contact him. I have grown so much in five months of no contact. The hardest part of this is the change in lifestyle. I work part-time. STBXAH is very successful and we enjoyed a fabulous lifestyle- I have had to cut way back and I live in a tiny apartment. I am 62.5 years old and we had planned for me to retire this year. Instead I am picking up any extra work hours I can get and thinking retirement living may not be as rich as I had once thought. I saw my lawyer yesterday and I should get alimony. And I should get an okay settlement. My lawyer said it may take until June- could be sooner- could be later. Hard not knowing what the financial outcome will be, and when it will be. Meanwhile, I am resigning my rental lease on my tiny apartment, working more, and trying to focus on building a new life.

dandylion

qtpi....good for you! The no contact was the wisest action. It allows healing to begin.
A lavish lifestyle does not bring near the inner happiness that a serene and peaceful mind does.
About your brother--you can tell him that he can talk about vows after he has spent years at the hands of an alcoholic.....

DoubleDragons

My mother, who is my alcoholic, has the most lavish lifestyle of anyone I know. She wants for nothing materially, and never has wanted for anything material. She has a gorgeous multi-million dollar home, a sports car, a boat, beautiful jewelry and clothes, etc. etc. She is also the most miserable person I know. Happiness is an inside job.

Smarie78

I'm very proud of you. It has to be hard seeing all you thought would be, coming to the end, and yes because of him, you are left having to rebuild. If anyone broke vows, he did. Not you. That's what alcohol does. It takes everything we thought we were secure in, and turns it upside down. I love what you said about hope not being a plan. I'm so sick of hearing the repetitive words of hope and day by day. A plan is a plan, and that only.

Hugs to you...you may be in a tiny apartment, but you are not longer living in the tiny world that the alcoholic has kept you trapped in.

Zeppelin92

Wow!
An inspiration! I think it is great that you are avoiding the people that are trying to give him more and more chances, I am sure you have already done that many times through out your marriage. You are doing great! I am going through something similar with my AF., not used to being on my own financially, feeling tied down. But like the post above said. Happiness is a job from the inside. Thank you so much for sharing, keep on keeping with the healing. You don't know how much sense you make to me right now. Thank you, Thank you.

FeelingGreat

qtpi I hope you get the financial settlement you deserve. You have taken a lot of flak about your decision to leave, emotionally and financially, yet I've not heard you fundamentally doubt your decision.
If your brother says anything, tell him you appreciate his concern but you will make your own decision and you'd prefer he didn't mention it again.

Tinyhouse

Just a note on the vows... I started divorcecare at a local church even though I've been away from the church for decades and it has been amazingly helpful. One thing that I struggled with is my ex husband's sister is religious and I knew she would think the same. I learned about his use and abuse breaking our vows before I left (as someone noted above) and I learned that there's biblical divorce reasons. Addictions and abuse aren't there but you can speak with your church and have them help determine if your divorce is biblical. I'm not going to because it's not important to me, but I thought it was interesting and might be important to someone.