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I want to stomp on the eggshells

Old 07-25-2016, 07:01 AM
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I want to stomp on the eggshells

I'm tired of walking on eggshells. I hate that everytime I come home from work I'm wondering if he's drunk and what mood he's in...

He still hasn't gone to AA. I'm not surprised. I wasn't expecting him to...I want him to...but since he's broken a 100 promises to stop I didn't really believe him anyway.

He did this super fun experiment of "moderation" where he drank 1-3 beers per day. That lasted for a week?maybe two. Now he's back to drinking vodka from a flask and I pretend I don't know.

I was trying desperately to take my statistics exam last night(something I'm not very good at) and he kept aggravating me and then got mad and became an unimaginable a$$hole because I didn't want his help.

After he passed out I came across his flask on the couch. I dumped it out and threw the flask in the trash can and rolled the can to the curb. No, that won't stop him from buying more and I'm sure he has like 30 flasks but it made me feel better.

I really need to address this behavior of me doing passive aggressive crap to make him miserable because he makes me miserable when he's drinking.
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Old 07-25-2016, 08:49 AM
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It is so hard, and retaliation is a fairly natural reaction when someone causes us pain.

Thing is, he isn't causing you pain on purpose - not in the big picture anyway. Sure, it is clear they are out to get us from time to time, but the sickness over arching that is attacking them, way more than us.

Soo,
His drinking seriously negatively affects your life.
You can't believe what he says.
You are reacting to his drinking in unhealthy ways.
And, you can only change you.

BEEN THERE!
Alanon helped me some, this place helped me tons, and reading Codependent no more, and Conquering Shame and Codependency helped me too.

Hang in there - we all ended up here for many of the same reasons, and it gets better for us...way better.
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Old 07-25-2016, 09:14 AM
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Oh boy, can I only relate. I almost laughed when I read the thread title. So perfect. But I did not, because I know exactly the feeling of frustration it is implied there.


But guess what? You are in no way responsible for his behavior, you are in no way responsible for his drinking. Isn't that a liberating thought? And you can walk away from it. Any time you want. No need to be passive-aggressive. No obligation to do anything about it. Not your problem, not your circus, not your monkeys.

So what can you do for yourself today to make your life better?
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Old 07-25-2016, 09:37 AM
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I completely understand. For myself, it became too much to bear, I could not and would not live that way for one more moment. You deserve more. Hugs.
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Old 07-25-2016, 10:14 AM
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You should totally laugh.

I do. Sometimes what else can you do?

I'm going to go to the gym even though it's hot enough to bake cookies on the dashboard. It's all I can do for myself lately.

I keep going to al anon but I don't really understand what's going on...I've tried to find a beginners meeting but they are all at times when I'm at work. I'll keep trying though. I never give up...not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
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Old 07-25-2016, 10:15 AM
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I know he isn't doing it on purpose. I realize that his drinking isn't an issue for him because he doesn't have to deal with him when he's drinking. I just wish I knew the magic word that would make him see he needs help.
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Old 07-25-2016, 10:44 AM
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Oh I so understand that feeling as well!
There were so many times I would search for the vodka and dump it out, or water it down, or even drink it myself once he passed out. I sure showed him!!!
Oh my gosh, and so many other passive aggressive moves that I am so embarrassed of now.
It's like I felt like I had to do something to feel like I had some kind of control over the situation even though everything was so completely out of control....
Hugs to you!!!
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Old 07-25-2016, 11:19 AM
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You may want to try out a Celebrate Recovery meeting. It's a lot like Alanon, and I know ours has a newcomers section every single time.

Hugs!
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Old 07-25-2016, 11:35 AM
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Originally Posted by alwayscovering View Post
I realize that his drinking isn't an issue for him because he doesn't have to deal with him when he's drinking.
Thank you for this. Yes so very true. They cannot see just how irritating the behaviour is.

I couldn't when I drank.
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Old 07-25-2016, 11:58 AM
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I know the feeling, and I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this- I wouldn't wish the feeling that comes with living with an alcoholic on my worst enemy!

You deserve to be able to relax and escape the drama of the world when you walk through your front door and step into your home. Your house and being with your family should be your safe place, it should be the place that brings you joy and good memories- living with an alcoholic robs you of all that.

Have you considered going to counseling as well as your meetings? There are also support groups that can also be gone to. Have you considered to set boundaries and if they are broken then you can create a plan to move out and proceed with a divorce. I know that seems daunting, and it is easier to say then do, but it can't hurt to have a plan. You can slowly safe up to get to a place where you feel you are able to, involve family that can stand beside you, friends that are a support group, or find a woman's shelter that you can learn your options and have people who deal with these scenarios everyday. It can never hurt to be prepared, hell you can never be over prepared. It helps to know you can leave, it helps you not feel hopeless, it can help you to not feel like you are stuck and you can know that you are not alone and not dealing with something that you can't escape from. You have every right to leave, you can find ways to make that possible if that is a concern, you are not alone in this I promise you. I also promise you that you deserve so much more.

Never give up on yourself, you are worth it and you deserve to be happy. HUGS keep reaching out- you are not alone.
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Old 07-25-2016, 12:12 PM
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Originally Posted by alwayscovering View Post
I know he isn't doing it on purpose. I realize that his drinking isn't an issue for him because he doesn't have to deal with him when he's drinking. I just wish I knew the magic word that would make him see he needs help.
There is no magic word. It has to get painful enough for him that sobriety is the only option (his rock bottom, whatever that will look like). Do you really want to go there with him? Sounds like his drinking is already uncomfortable enough for you. He, on the other hand, has no inclination or intention to change things, so they will continue slowly getting worse.

You did not cause this. You cannot change this. All you can even start to hope is that you might be able to learn different ways of thinking about it so that it is not so painful for you. Or you can walk away, and spend your precious life (of which you get ONE) being happy without him. It's tough. But there it is. What advise would you give a loved friend of relative in your situation?
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Old 07-25-2016, 12:19 PM
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Originally Posted by Berrybean View Post
There is no magic word. It has to get painful enough for him that sobriety is the only option (his rock bottom, whatever that will look like). Do you really want to go there with him? Sounds like his drinking is already uncomfortable enough for you. He, on the other hand, has no inclination or intention to change things, so they will continue slowly getting worse.

You did not cause this. You cannot change this. All you can even start to hope is that you might be able to learn different ways of thinking about it so that it is not so painful for you. Or you can walk away, and spend your precious life (of which you get ONE) being happy without him. It's tough. But there it is. What advise would you give a loved friend of relative in your situation?
I always ask if the bad outweighs the good...it doesn't...yet.

I don't know how to give up and walk away. I haven't yet let go of the idea of how things were. How I know they could be...I have to be able to let that go. I'm not ready yet. I hate this.
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Old 07-25-2016, 12:33 PM
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Originally Posted by alwayscovering View Post
I always ask if the bad outweighs the good...it doesn't...yet.

I don't know how to give up and walk away. I haven't yet let go of the idea of how things were. How I know they could be...I have to be able to let that go. I'm not ready yet. I hate this.
Then I suppose all you can do is work your own program of recovery in whatever way you see fit in order to make it as pain free as possible.

Have you read the alanon literature? If not, that's probably a good place to start, along with getting to some meeting and developing a good support network.

Also, I (and many others I suspect) would suggest that if you are intent on staying with your actively alcoholic partner, you do what you can to ensure that legally and financially you do not become any more entrenched and entangled than you are already. And please, please, please try not to become pregnant by him or marry him (unless you already did) or anything else that will make things even more difficult to walk away from him if you DO decide to do so in the future. I'd also suggest starting an emergency funds savings plan so that you have the best chance for restarting your life available to you if and when you choose to.

As an alcoholic in recovery, I know just how selfish, devious, and downright irresponsible and dishonest active alcoholics can be. Please, look out for yourself and your future.
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Old 07-25-2016, 01:15 PM
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Originally Posted by Berrybean View Post
Then I suppose all you can do is work your own program of recovery in whatever way you see fit in order to make it as pain free as possible.

Have you read the alanon literature? If not, that's probably a good place to start, along with getting to some meeting and developing a good support network.

Also, I (and many others I suspect) would suggest that if you are intent on staying with your actively alcoholic partner, you do what you can to ensure that legally and financially you do not become any more entrenched and entangled than you are already. And please, please, please try not to become pregnant by him or marry him (unless you already did) or anything else that will make things even more difficult to walk away from him if you DO decide to do so in the future. I'd also suggest starting an emergency funds savings plan so that you have the best chance for restarting your life available to you if and when you choose to.

As an alcoholic in recovery, I know just how selfish, devious, and downright irresponsible and dishonest active alcoholics can be. Please, look out for yourself and your future.
Thank you, LOL we're long past that. We've been married 8 years and have a 7 year old. It's going to be sticky if we have to leave. Especially since our child worships him.

I do have a secret account. I've always had one. I've gone to al anon a few times but I have no clue what's going on. so I just listen.
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Old 07-25-2016, 01:25 PM
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Thing is, with any recovery program, we tend to only get out of it what we put into it. I sat in AA meetings for 6 month wondering when the sobriety fairy might fly overhead and sprinkle me with recovery dust. In the end that didn't happen. I had to ask someone to sponsor me and give me some guidance. Reckon it could be the same with AlAnon. 12-step programs work when we work them. And the work happens outside of meetings, on our own, on a daily basis, applying the program to all our affairs. Recovery is therefore never an 'easy' option. It isn't easy. But it IS worth it. And seeing as you're stuck between a rock and a hard place so to speak, it might be the very thing that saves your sanity, and will offer some hope of stability for your 7 year old.
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Old 07-25-2016, 06:14 PM
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My 6 y.o. worships his mother as well, so I understand the 'sticky part' of leaving.
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