I know the feeling, and I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this- I wouldn't wish the feeling that comes with living with an alcoholic on my worst enemy!
You deserve to be able to relax and escape the drama of the world when you walk through your front door and step into your home. Your house and being with your family should be your safe place, it should be the place that brings you joy and good memories- living with an alcoholic robs you of all that.
Have you considered going to counseling as well as your meetings? There are also support groups that can also be gone to. Have you considered to set boundaries and if they are broken then you can create a plan to move out and proceed with a divorce. I know that seems daunting, and it is easier to say then do, but it can't hurt to have a plan. You can slowly safe up to get to a place where you feel you are able to, involve family that can stand beside you, friends that are a support group, or find a woman's shelter that you can learn your options and have people who deal with these scenarios everyday. It can never hurt to be prepared, hell you can never be over prepared. It helps to know you can leave, it helps you not feel hopeless, it can help you to not feel like you are stuck and you can know that you are not alone and not dealing with something that you can't escape from. You have every right to leave, you can find ways to make that possible if that is a concern, you are not alone in this I promise you. I also promise you that you deserve so much more.
Never give up on yourself, you are worth it and you deserve to be happy. HUGS keep reaching out- you are not alone.