You were all right...
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Originally Posted by Kata 
Jen, you are not the only one who believes you are truly done. I was in your shoes. Wanting to find a nice, good way to break up with him is completly normal. There is nothing wrong with wanting to end things the right way... when you're in a healthy relationship.
And here is the reality check: You are not in a healthy relationship. You cannot approach the situation as you would with a healthy relationship. You just can't.
The fact that you care about him, and the fact that you want (or is it need) to end it in good way that works for you is exactly how he can make you stick your fork in the goose. This is how he's gonna manipulate you, this is where the hook is.
Let me pass on a piece of advice that was given to me as a young adult by my friend's mom : You just haven't had enough, the minute you've had enough, you'll act no matter what.
Please don't read any judgement in that advice, it's in no way my intention. My point is that the second you get to the point where you've had enough, it won't matter if you do it the right way or not. It won't matter if it makes you feel like a b!tch. It won't matter that he thinks you don't care. Nothing will matter and you will act. You're going to stop putting your energy in doing it the right way and you'll just put all your energy in doing it, whatever the way.
When that moment happens, it's not that you won't care about what happens to him (insert any reason), it's simply that you're going to care more about yourself and your needs. That's it.
Remember one thing: You are the most important person in your life.
And here is the reality check: You are not in a healthy relationship. You cannot approach the situation as you would with a healthy relationship. You just can't.
The fact that you care about him, and the fact that you want (or is it need) to end it in good way that works for you is exactly how he can make you stick your fork in the goose. This is how he's gonna manipulate you, this is where the hook is.
Let me pass on a piece of advice that was given to me as a young adult by my friend's mom : You just haven't had enough, the minute you've had enough, you'll act no matter what.
Please don't read any judgement in that advice, it's in no way my intention. My point is that the second you get to the point where you've had enough, it won't matter if you do it the right way or not. It won't matter if it makes you feel like a b!tch. It won't matter that he thinks you don't care. Nothing will matter and you will act. You're going to stop putting your energy in doing it the right way and you'll just put all your energy in doing it, whatever the way.
When that moment happens, it's not that you won't care about what happens to him (insert any reason), it's simply that you're going to care more about yourself and your needs. That's it.
Remember one thing: You are the most important person in your life.
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Originally Posted by Forourgirls
Those words are so true....and nobody can tell you when that is. And W and Kata said it best/you literally don't care at all what they say, do, etc when you are done. You are just done. Literally, all I hear is wah, wah, wah from my ex now....complete white noise of excuses, lies, etc. And guess what? I'm not a bitch-not am I a liar-I'm not evil. I'm a good hearted woman with a compassionate nature and momma that puts her kids first that was just sick and tired of being anused and lied to. When I knew, I knew. And no miracle was going to change my path-bc he was THE part of my life that needed to go, he was the nail in my tire, the one that knocked the wind out of my sails, I could go on and on. Point being, at the end, I was just grateful he was gone-and I knew there was no going back-and that was a true blessing....
You'll get there
You'll get there
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Originally Posted by Kata
If you feel you are conditionned to call him but don't want to, then go out for dinner/walk/anything and leave your phone at home! You won't be able to text!
New job, new place...now I think I may need some new patterns/activities to help me break the old ones.
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Do not make decisions with your heart. Make them with your head. Your heart will trick you. That is where all the softness is. This is where we care so much about them and give them a chance after a chance after a chance.
I still have to tell myself: "Don't you even dare to do this or that. Do not even dare to initiate contact with him." Then I have to explain myself why. It is very tough at first, but with time, these moments of weakness become less frequent. And then not caring becomes very natural.
I still have to tell myself: "Don't you even dare to do this or that. Do not even dare to initiate contact with him." Then I have to explain myself why. It is very tough at first, but with time, these moments of weakness become less frequent. And then not caring becomes very natural.
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Originally Posted by healthyagain
Do not make decisions with your heart. Make them with your head. Your heart will trick you.
It is very tough at first, but with time, these moments of weakness become less frequent. And then not caring becomes very natural.
It is very tough at first, but with time, these moments of weakness become less frequent. And then not caring becomes very natural.
This is what one of my work friends said today, too. It took her years to get out of a relationship with an addict. She said she understood how hard it was for someone like me, not only a codependent but an empath, to stop thinking with my heart and my feelings, but that I must. That I need to begin learning to shut down any feeling at all where he is concerned...good, bad or indifferent. Because only through not feeling and becoming numb to it all would I truly be able to break away and reclaim my life.
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Not exactly numb, I would rather say rational when it comes to your future with this guy. Imagine you are weighing the good and bad sides of his. Which side is lighter? Now based on these results, you make a decision. Because your heart cannot change the fact the good side of his is lighter. You cannot change him, and he will most definitely get worse if he does not look for help.
On the other side, life is short. Is wasting it really worth it?
My greatest regret is not divorcing my ex at least 5 years earlier. But it could have been 10 years later too.
It is all up to you. You have the power to end the pain. And it is a great power.
On the other side, life is short. Is wasting it really worth it?
My greatest regret is not divorcing my ex at least 5 years earlier. But it could have been 10 years later too.
It is all up to you. You have the power to end the pain. And it is a great power.
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I know what it is. It's me being a codependent and feeling so badly about how miserably his own parents were treating him when we first met. I heard the conversations and they were awful. My heart breaks for anyone who has to hear those kinds of things. I guess (maybe naively) there's a difference between not liking someone and/or their behaviors and not caring about or loving them in any way at all...
Understandable that would be terrible to hear. Yet, they have lived with this for a lot longer than you. You only have his version which I guarantee is not accurate.
Maybe they have always been rotten parents. Or, maybe, in their inability to let go of the toxic, lying, disaster, alcoholic, this is what they have become. They can' t be nice anymore, they have been too disappointed and heartbroken for too long. Coin toss.
And, something to think about.
Understandable that would be terrible to hear. Yet, they have lived with this for a lot longer than you. You only have his version which I guarantee is not accurate.
Maybe they have always been rotten parents. Or, maybe, in their inability to let go of the toxic, lying, disaster, alcoholic, this is what they have become. They can' t be nice anymore, they have been too disappointed and heartbroken for too long. Coin toss.
And, something to think about.
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Originally Posted by jenniferlynne76
Yes! Excellent, excellent advice. In general it would do me well to begin adopting new habits to help break the old patterns. They've become SO engrained in the last few months especially....when he moved here and I clung to him, no matter what, to avoid going home to face my now XH. New job, new place...now I think I may need some new patterns/activities to help me break the old ones.
It might indeed be a good idea to adopt new patterns now. The more time passes, the more you'll develop patterns and then, they'll be harder to break.
Here are some ideas:
- if you don't want reminders of him in your home, don't ever have him over again. Under no circumstances. Even breaking up. I don't know about you, but I won't want the constant reminder of that discussion when I look at my new couch. On the practical side, I would be able to leave at a moment's notice if he goes bat-sh!t-crazy.
- Try new activities. You'll be having fun, maybe making new friends, spending time doing what you love, and you'll be too busy to call/text him.
- When you feel like relaxing at home for the evening, but your phone on airplane mode, or simply turn it off.
- If you feel you you're so conditionned to text him, change his name in your phone. I went with Fucktard, but feel free to be creative. It should be a good reminder of not calling.
- If changing his name in your phone isn't enough, there are apps out there to prevent drunk texting or texting an ex. I'm sure you can find one that would prevent you from calling.
- Apart from hobbies/activity, I would suggest a high intensity sport if you're into sports. I swear my punching bag technique has been much improved by my break up. Also, a nice dose of endorphines is always good for the mood!
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My STBXAH and I were in almost constant contact in the early part of our relationship (we were long distance). It was a huge change for me from what I was accustomed to, but WE WERE SUCH SPESHUL SNOWFLAKES that it didn't occur to me to think it was a little...weird. As he relapsed and got worse, his "instant replies" weren't so instant anymore. But God forbid I not immediately respond when he texted me, or that I not answer the phone when he called.
It was very, very difficult for me to train myself not to constantly text him. It had become very obsessive behavior for me. Honestly, I amassed an army of people I could text, email, call, or Facebook message as a way to distract myself from the overwhelming urge to text him (this was when he worked far away for a year). Just a technique that worked for me.
It was very, very difficult for me to train myself not to constantly text him. It had become very obsessive behavior for me. Honestly, I amassed an army of people I could text, email, call, or Facebook message as a way to distract myself from the overwhelming urge to text him (this was when he worked far away for a year). Just a technique that worked for me.
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JL,
The need to end the relationship in a decent and nice manner could be your own need for him to be decent and nice to you. I was just thinking today that my own urges towards XABF were probably displaced emotions that had more to do with my needs than his. For example, the last few weeks - after our breakup - Iīve been thinking I should contact him to let him know I do love him. It somehow seemed like the "honest" thing to do. But if Iīm truly, completely honest with myself, I want HIM to contact me to tell me that. I am in need of his kindness, not the other way around.
So, the only thing to do is be kind to myself, not displace it towards him.
I also remembered something really weird that happened to me when we were together (there were probably many things like that but this one stands out): one time when I stayed over at his place he became really angry with me for no reason at all and even made me cry. It was so bad I considered going home in the middle of the night but I thought it would be worse because we were going to his grandmotherīs funeral the next morning and I knew he would make it seem like he was the victim if I left.
So in the end we went to sleep. I woke up feeling terrible, so hurt, tired and sad, and wanted him to make it right. But he was sleeping away from me, ignoring me. So then instead of taking care of myself, I hugged HIM. It was completely idiotic, here was this person who had hurt me so bad and I was hugging him! When he was the one who shouldīve done that to me!
I still have trouble discerning what things are mine and his. For example, my need to talk things out and have closure - that was just mine, he didnīt care about it.
It strikes me more and more how I have absolutely no inkling of how his mind works. Perhaps itīs an opportunity to learn to concentrate on what *I* want, and not what (I think) is expected of me.
The need to end the relationship in a decent and nice manner could be your own need for him to be decent and nice to you. I was just thinking today that my own urges towards XABF were probably displaced emotions that had more to do with my needs than his. For example, the last few weeks - after our breakup - Iīve been thinking I should contact him to let him know I do love him. It somehow seemed like the "honest" thing to do. But if Iīm truly, completely honest with myself, I want HIM to contact me to tell me that. I am in need of his kindness, not the other way around.
So, the only thing to do is be kind to myself, not displace it towards him.
I also remembered something really weird that happened to me when we were together (there were probably many things like that but this one stands out): one time when I stayed over at his place he became really angry with me for no reason at all and even made me cry. It was so bad I considered going home in the middle of the night but I thought it would be worse because we were going to his grandmotherīs funeral the next morning and I knew he would make it seem like he was the victim if I left.
So in the end we went to sleep. I woke up feeling terrible, so hurt, tired and sad, and wanted him to make it right. But he was sleeping away from me, ignoring me. So then instead of taking care of myself, I hugged HIM. It was completely idiotic, here was this person who had hurt me so bad and I was hugging him! When he was the one who shouldīve done that to me!
I still have trouble discerning what things are mine and his. For example, my need to talk things out and have closure - that was just mine, he didnīt care about it.
It strikes me more and more how I have absolutely no inkling of how his mind works. Perhaps itīs an opportunity to learn to concentrate on what *I* want, and not what (I think) is expected of me.
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Originally Posted by jenniferlynne76
It sounds too simple ... But then I have a knack for making things overly complicated. :-P
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It took me so many painful encounters to finally "get it". Years of back and forth. By the time I got to Alanon I was on my hands and knees. But hard work brought me the clarity that what I called love was really need. And that I had been wearing blinders of denial and rationalization. A big hug.
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True
That is how they continue to do what they know they can get away with, we don,t want to face the reality, well i have and i too will stick with it, even if he gets sober, i can,t trust to take the risk, i am not judging ,i am protecting my own interests and sobriety.
Originally Posted by jenniferlynne76
I won't go back on my word. As much as it sucks, I'll endure the pain and the tears and I will NOT go back on my word.
I knew this morning when I woke up that I had to call him out and tell him he wasn't welcome to come over tonight. Because letting him come over--in my mind at least--would have been like an open invitation to manipulation. "I got away with drinking while talking to you last night and *still* get to come over and take advantage of you and your space and your food and your time and your feelings! Look at me! I'm king of the world!" I'm exaggerating, of course. But that's what it felt like.
Thank you for the hugs and prayers. I'm just feeling so incredibly, incredibly sad.
I knew this morning when I woke up that I had to call him out and tell him he wasn't welcome to come over tonight. Because letting him come over--in my mind at least--would have been like an open invitation to manipulation. "I got away with drinking while talking to you last night and *still* get to come over and take advantage of you and your space and your food and your time and your feelings! Look at me! I'm king of the world!" I'm exaggerating, of course. But that's what it felt like.
Thank you for the hugs and prayers. I'm just feeling so incredibly, incredibly sad.
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Originally Posted by Sweetkandy55
That is how they continue to do what they know they can get away with, we don,t want to face the reality, well i have and i too will stick with it, even if he gets sober, i can,t trust to take the risk, i am not judging ,i am protecting my own interests and sobriety.
JL just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I do believe you are getting closer to closure, healing and peace.
Big hug to you!
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways
Sweet, this is indeed tough stuff you are doing. For most of us it takes time to get there and then a heck of a lot of courage to stick it through.
JL just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I do believe you are getting closer to closure, healing and peace.
Big hug to you!
JL just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I do believe you are getting closer to closure, healing and peace.
Big hug to you!
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And, for what it's worth, I just called my therapist and asked if she could fit me in later today/this evening to discuss some of what's transpired in the last 24 hours. I'm not happy at all with how I'm feeling and where things are sitting right now. And even with the wonderful advice and the kick in the pants from all of you, I feel like I might need an even swifter one to get my head on straight enough to just do the deed.
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