jenniferlynne76

It's like I'm looking for some weird validation from him that I'm not imagining it or something... I would be so much better off if I didn't care.

jenniferlynne76

I know what it is. It's me being a codependent and feeling so badly about how miserably his own parents were treating him when we first met. I heard the conversations and they were awful. My heart breaks for anyone who has to hear those kinds of things. I guess (maybe naively) there's a difference between not liking someone and/or their behaviors and not caring about or loving them in any way at all...

Excellent recommendations. And ones that at least seem manageable to me right now...

jenniferlynne76

Respectfully, I disagree. This is has *nothing* to do with me desiring to change his behavior and *everything* with me trying to find a way to make myself feel as good as I possibly can about a really f-ing $hitty situation that I'm emotionally very caught up in. THAT I will own.

Maybe I'm the only idiot here who believes this, but it isn't that I'm not truly done. It's that I'm trying to find a nice way, a good way, a way I can live with to do this. And maybe that's just not possible. Maybe I will just have to be a complete and total b1tch to make it happen. But that's gonna take some time. Because it's just not who I am. If it were, I wouldn't have ever gotten as involved as I have, and it would've made my life one hell of a lot easier.

dandylion

Jennifer....please pardon me for adding a piece of h umerous levity to what I know is a very serious situation, for you..
Trusting that you are getting closer to the termination of the relationship, as it stands....I predict that he is going to make it easy for you to actually do it...
I say that because, when you want to back away...when your goose is cooked...they will do something that makes you WANT to stick a fork in it....

dandylion

FireSprite

You're not an idiot Jen.

Here's *my* interpretation of what you posted:

"I want to be ok with this breakup & that would happen if I knew that HE was ok about it all too - a nice clean break & then I can walk away."

If HE'S ok, then I'LL be ok. Codependent to the core.

(I could be way off base, but sit & think about this for a while, you don't have to respond here)

Non-Codie behavior is: "I have done everything reasonable that I can & within the limits of my boundaries. I'm walking away, I hope he finds whatever it is that it is going to take for him to move on to a happy life as well."

jenniferlynne76

Haha! The levity is MUCH appreciated Dandylion. And a friend of mine at work said something VERY similar to me earlier. LOL

ds5000

believe me life will be better once you leave your current conditions... you're just conditioned to be where you are now because you know what to expect... anywhere else you go will be new, thats scary... but you know and i know it could only be better on the other side... trust yourself!

jenniferlynne76

Now THAT is 100% true FireSprite. You're not off base in the least!

jenniferlynne76

Thank you ds5000. You are right ... and I appreciate the reminder to trust myself.

AnvilheadII

you could just say "It's Over"

no hollywood ending, no worrying about NICE, just the straight up facts. if you are DONE, then SAY SO. and then let him deal with his stuff.

trust me, people break up ALL the time. you aren't blazing a trail here for others to follow. you don't need to invite him over to yet another dinner that turns into a sleep over, or quiz him while on the phone about whether or not he is drinking. you just state your case, wish him well, and be done. it really is that simple............

jenniferlynne76

It sounds too simple ... But then I have a knack for making things overly complicated. :-P

teatreeoil007

"Good -bye" is a complete sentence.

Txjeepguy

Agreed

Sadly though whatever it is won't be humorous when it happens

AnvilheadII

ok, since you are "new" you get my "break up" story, for what it is worth. i was with my last husband for 14 years total.....7 together, 7 married, give or take a few months. it was shortly AFTER we got married that "I" started drinking again - after 7.5 years sober. he had 10+ years in NA.

he never tried to kick me out but he did say words like "counseling" and "quitting" and "unacceptable" but that never went anywhere. i plotted and planned my escape for many years.....it wasn't that he wasn't a great guy, good husband, all that, i just didn't BELONG there anymore. after years of planning, i was finally ready and worked very hard on my SPEECH - it's not you, it's me, i take all the blame, you can keep the house, etc etc. i agonized over what i would say, then what HE would say, then what i would say back......but when the time came it went like this:

Me: So i think we should separate for a while (meaning I want to leave you forever but i'm trying to let you down gently here).

Him: When are you moving out?

Me: probably in a couple weeks ( I was gone 9 days later)

Him: Do you want to borrow my truck???



sure! wait. WHAT????
that was it....that was the big speech. in NONE of my oh so careful planning and choosing just the right time, just the right words, how to be GENTLE did i envision THAT type of response from him.

he was supposed to be DEVASTATED. WRECKED. SOBBING AT MY ANKLES No Baby Please Don't Leave Me. <<<read that MY EGO

instead i got use of his truck while he left town. i don't know if we even spoke to each other much after that.

Txjeepguy

If only they all could be that easy

Kata

Jen, you are not the only one who believes you are truly done. I was in your shoes. Wanting to find a nice, good way to break up with him is completly normal. There is nothing wrong with wanting to end things the right way... when you're in a healthy relationship.

And here is the reality check: You are not in a healthy relationship. You cannot approach the situation as you would with a healthy relationship. You just can't.

The fact that you care about him, and the fact that you want (or is it need) to end it in good way that works for you is exactly how he can make you stick your fork in the goose. This is how he's gonna manipulate you, this is where the hook is.

Let me pass on a piece of advice that was given to me as a young adult by my friend's mom : You just haven't had enough, the minute you've had enough, you'll act no matter what.

Please don't read any judgement in that advice, it's in no way my intention. My point is that the second you get to the point where you've had enough, it won't matter if you do it the right way or not. It won't matter if it makes you feel like a b!tch. It won't matter that he thinks you don't care. Nothing will matter and you will act. You're going to stop putting your energy in doing it the right way and you'll just put all your energy in doing it, whatever the way.

When that moment happens, it's not that you won't care about what happens to him (insert any reason), it's simply that you're going to care more about yourself and your needs. That's it.

Remember one thing: You are the most important person in your life.

Wisconsin

Well said, Kata. I am also a (registered trademark) Nice Person, and my STBXAH absolutely took advantage of that and used it to manipulate me for a very long time. His criticisms of me were almost always designed to make me feel like a mean or abusive person, because he KNEW that my response to that would be to just amp up my niceness.

But by the end, I just didn't care anymore about how I thought he viewed me. I wanted out. I needed out. He lost the power to control me with his "if we split up, it is ALL YOUR FAULT" statements and his "you think I'm abusive? You're abusive!" diatribes. I told him, with complete and utter apathy, that I did not care if he blamed me for everything that went wrong in our marriage. And I felt all of those things right alongside still loving him, and still wanting him to be happy.

suki44883

This is what I was trying to say, but Kata said it much better.

Liveitwell

Those words are so true....and nobody can tell you when that is. And W and Kata said it best/you literally don't care at all what they say, do, etc when you are done. You are just done. Literally, all I hear is wah, wah, wah from my ex now....complete white noise of excuses, lies, etc. And guess what? I'm not a bitch-not am I a liar-I'm not evil. I'm a good hearted woman with a compassionate nature and momma that puts her kids first that was just sick and tired of being anused and lied to. When I knew, I knew. And no miracle was going to change my path-bc he was THE part of my life that needed to go, he was the nail in my tire, the one that knocked the wind out of my sails, I could go on and on. Point being, at the end, I was just grateful he was gone-and I knew there was no going back-and that was a true blessing....

You'll get there

jenniferlynne76

Oh my Anvil. I can't help but laugh a bit. Because you prove a very good point. The best laid plans and all of that, right?!

Maybe I'm being too prescriptive in all of this if nothing else. I think it might just be one of those things I can't *gasp* control and may have to go with the flow a bit. I know I'm done. Does it really matter when I say it or how I say it? Or if I say it?

He did text me a couple of times late this morning/early afternoon...innocuous comments. I responded where it made sense. And since a little before 3pm it's been radio silence. I'm having trouble not sending him a text now. (Which is why I'm here instead...) I'm so darned conditioned to respond to a lack of response or reaction. It's the same thing that had me acting crazy enough that I'd hop in the car and drive to his house at any ol ridiculous hour of the night to make sure he was okay. Or to see of he'd really even gone to work, or, or, or... That's when I realized I had reached a whole new level of crazy. Who was this person?! It certainly wasn't me was it? But it was.

And I'm conditioned that way now. It's uncomfortable to have this unfinished business hanging over my head. Trying to push out the "did he go to work? Has he been wasted all day?" kinds of thoughts I'm so used to.

I'm amazed how much damage my relationship with him over this last nine months has done to me. And, in some ways, as friend and Al-Anon participant said to me today, maybe that's what I need to focus on for awhile. Not to dwell on the past but to stomp any semblance of "rose colored glasses" to bits. "How many days since you started seeing this guy have you not worried about what's coming next?" she asked me. "How many times did he hurt you, embarrass you, disappoint you, steal from you, disrespect you, etc. And how many times did he really, truly make you happy?" Whoa.

Forgive me, I'm rambling now. I'm just processing all of the things you've all shared with me today, as well as things a couple of close co-workers with ties to addicts shared with me today. And it's a lot to take in and process. One whole heck of a lot.