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Old 03-23-2016, 02:02 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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WTBH,

ummmm, NO. It's a complete sentence. I don't know if Wednesday was written in on parenting time. If it was situation might have been different then. You do not take time off from work with no notice to jump through his hoops.

I also believe there was something in the parenting time in your divorce papers to give you 2 day notice.

So............ "NO".

He is ramping things up because you are getting stronger. Don't back down now and give it to him. He will then control you for the rest of the time you need to interact with him.

Save all of the emails, vms, any other communication.

I think you recently said you got money, forgot how, if it was the sale of the ring or perhaps a tax refund, use this, take him to court.

Use that "indemnification clause" and get him to pay your attorney for him not paying that child support.

Just let him be the a$$ that he always is, and document, document, document.

I don't say these things lightly. I was probably one of the biggest "doormats" to ever be on this forum.

I really do thank you for posting all of this stuff here. I hope that it helps you, and I hope it helps others when reading this.

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
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Old 03-23-2016, 02:19 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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WTBH ((((gentle hugs))))

I'm so sorry for what you're dealing with. Do you have an in-person support network around you? Mine's been slowly growing and I can't imagine being without all these good people in my life now. I have a really hard time seeing when I'm in a crisis inside myself. My go-to reaction to life crisis situations is to put up barriers around me and self-isolate. The more I reach out, it doesn't matter as much what the results are, it does something inside my brain, heart and soul that starts to nourish me. Finding who and how to reach out to others has taken me some trial and error, but that's okay, too.

No ideas on the current situation. My thoughts and prayers are with you for peace, serenity, healing.

Any plans for you and the kids this evening?
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Old 03-23-2016, 02:25 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
Last year when there was a RO against him, and his lawyer was contacting me regularly to try and coerce me into amending the RO, I ignored their ludicrous requests.

When that didn't get a response from me, they filed a false RO which was granted.

And they got to abuse and harass me in court.

So, that's what he did a year ago at this time when I ignored him.

So, I am afraid.

He is finding one way or another to impact me negatively.
Yes, I get all of that & I am NOT trying to minimize your situation, please don't take it that way as you read my replies to your posts.

Here's all that I'm saying - you have 2 choices here:

Either cave every time he demands that you jump, for the rest of your life ~or~

Enforce your boundaries &legal rights 100x if that's what it takes for him to get the message. Every time you cave, you start over again in terms of him feeling that he has some sort of control over you.

Let him take you to court - and countersue whenever possible. You definitely suffer psychologically, no doubt, but you're going to be at his mercy psychologically EITHER WAY, aren't' you?

So do you want to hope that by going through it 100x & it may just end once he exhausts himself? Or do you want to just accept that this is going to go on forever, with no hope of an ending? Like TW pointed out, which is the higher price to pay?

I'm not trying to say that any of this is easy or in any way simple. It's not. It's HARD. It's going to be exhausting & it will wear you down mentally. But he's doing that anyway, every time he pulls a stunt like this, isn't he?
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Old 03-23-2016, 06:56 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
The price I am paying for holding him accountable is not worth it. This is now impacting my work. My stress level is at an all time high. I do not think that I can sustain this.

He has emailed me today demanding that I be available at 3 pm to drop the kids with him. I am AT WORK and can not do that.

He does not live around here and has not been around for his parenting on this day for two years.

Today, out of the clear blue he decides that he is taking a day off of work and claims he will be waiting at the police station for me to drop the kids with him at 3 pm.

So option 1: I leave work early, further impacting my job
or option 2: I assume he is bluffing and stay the course

This is hell.
Well, he hasn't met his parenting agreement for 2 years....and so you don't jump when he says and all of sudden YOU are in trouble? I don't think so.

What exactly is your parenting agreement per the divorce decree?

Go after than back child support. If you haven't don't F around about it anymore. Daddy has broken the agreement so many times its laughable. He has abused you to the point you are afraid of him even now....even when HE is the one who will be in deep doo.
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Old 03-23-2016, 07:15 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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AXH tried to pull the same stuff. Which is kind of funny (not haha), because all throughout the divorce, he couldn't be bothered with testing because it would impact his work schedule. "What, I gotta take time from work? Do what? How much does it cost? I'll already lose pay from the time missed at work." But, when it came to my job, time was not important. However the visitation schedule was pretty darn clear: DS goes to AXH on Day at xx am and returns to Mom on Day at xx pm. Until I felt safe enough with the idea that I could say no to his last minute changes, it was really hard to actually say it.

WTBH, how detailed is your visitation schedule? Are the kids even out of school early enough to get there by 3? And then there's traffic time to get across town. If the visitation schedule did outline school/work day at 3 pm:
  • Since it's no longer workable, can you submit a modification to ask for a change for future dates? I have to believe that no court is going to require that you continue to follow a schedule that would result in you losing your job.
  • Until change can be made (and admittedly with my new-found courage, but still somewhat unsteady stance), I think I'd be inclined to respond that since he hadn't exercised this particular visitation time period in 2 years, alternate arrangements have been made; the kids are not available, my work schedule has since changed, and I will need time to 1. adjust the kids' schedules and 2. discuss a temporary work schedule change with my employer.
  • If taking a late lunch or whatever wouldn't be an option to meet him at the station until a visitation schedule change can be requested and approved, I wouldn't add the last part. I'd just outline that our schedules have changed in the 2 year period of un-exercised visitation, and propose a later meeting time that would work for my schedule and the kids'. And I'd make sure that was do-able for ME into the foreseeable future, and use that as the proposed modification.

If work/school day at 3 pm is not in the visitation plan, "no" really is an answer that can be upheld in court proceedings.

Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
I do not think that I can sustain this.
I have faith in you, WTBH. I think you can do this. You have shown so much strength. And this won't be forever. (I know it feels like it, but it won't be.) You don't even need to look at how long it'll take to go through the court channels. Just look at *today*. You're going to be OK. You already are. ((((hugs))))
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Old 03-23-2016, 07:48 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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go after that back child support while you're doing the rest
hit him where it hurts for a change
once his wallet is affected, he may back off
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Old 03-23-2016, 09:10 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Is there any way you can screen your calls at work? Let them go directly to voicemail and immediately return any work-related calls? This way you would have the harassment documented.

I think you would have good grounds for filing a harassment complaint, which includes repeated communications at extremely inconvenient hours or with no legitimate purpose and with the purpose to annoy or harass. No reasonable person would expect another to leave work to drop off children in the middle of the day. It's clear enough why he's doing it. If he's convicted, the court could order no contact as a condition of probation.

I know it's exhausting and demoralizing. Maybe you could contact an advocate for moral support during this time.

Hugs,
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Old 03-24-2016, 09:53 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Going after him for contempt and addressing the financial stuff he owes seems to be fueling this fire and I can't live this way anymore....

No amount of money or holding him accountable is worth the toll this is taking on my physical, emotional and mental health...

This is unbearable.
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Old 03-24-2016, 10:13 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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^ I agree, WTBH. You need to do whatever it is to take care of yourself and those kiddos. This guy is nuts, he is evil. This is a fact, not up for argument. If you feel pushing for the money, etc is fueling him, then stop. You know him better than we do. Follow your gut.
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Old 03-24-2016, 01:55 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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If you can muster it, go big. Take him to court and go for child support, document harassment, hit him HARD. In my experience, if he sees that gaining traction...that's the only way you can shut him down. Otherwise he'll continue to F with you whenever he fees like it. He knows he can exhaust you. I'm so so sorry you're overwhelmed, and I understand...

He will do what he wants to mess with you regardless--people told me to push and not give up my child support even though I thought "they don't understand"...I'm grateful I stuck with it...
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Old 03-24-2016, 02:39 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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I don't think it's what you're doing that's fueling it, it's his loss of control over you. I get how hard it is--I get it as much as someone who hasn't been there can. I've seen what it does to people.

The thing is, as hard as it is now, fighting back is really the ONLY way to make him stop--short of letting this piece of crap control your life until the kids are out on their own. And believe me, he will keep pulling stuff like this, just to prove that he CAN. Making it not be in his own best interest to continue doing this sort of thing is the only way to make it stop.

Do you seriously think that he'll leave you alone if you let this slide? I don't.
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Old 03-24-2016, 08:13 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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I'm just so sorry for the torment you suffer at the hands of this crazy, crazy man.

I wish I had some advice, but I have never been in this position and have no real experience to share. I suppose I do agree with Lexie, though...

You give in to his demands--the abuse and harassment continue.
You don't give in to his demands--the abuse and harassment continue.

I wish I could tell you that I think the harassment will end if you do what he wants, but I don't think it will.

The difference, as I see it, is that if you don't give in to his demands, you keep the ground you have gained when you finally agreed to the custody and visitation plan. The black and white of the public court documents, as well as all the written evidence of the current round of harassment, has the potential to 'move the ball forward' for you and your girls. Even if just a little bit.

Ultimately, it is up to you. You are the only one who knows how much you can take on any given day. I hope and pray that things will improve very soon for you and your girls.
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Old 03-24-2016, 08:26 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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The only way I got my ex to back off of me, was to go after him.

I will always be here to support you no matter what your decision is.

((((((hugs)))))
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