engaged to an alcoholic
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Take anything he says about drinking, at this point, with a LARGE grain of salt.
My prediction is that he will talk about how INFORMATIVE he found those meetings, how he now really UNDERSTANDS that his drinking COULD become a problem, but now that he's seen what can happen if he doesn't get it under control, he knows it won't be a problem any more. He loves you TOO MUCH to ever let himself wind up like the people he saw at the meetings.
Yada, yada.
My prediction is that he will talk about how INFORMATIVE he found those meetings, how he now really UNDERSTANDS that his drinking COULD become a problem, but now that he's seen what can happen if he doesn't get it under control, he knows it won't be a problem any more. He loves you TOO MUCH to ever let himself wind up like the people he saw at the meetings.
Yada, yada.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 144
Can you postpone the wedding?
Originally Posted by danri 
hello, i'm new here. my boyfriend proposed to me in june after being together for 4 years. we've had our ups and downs like everyone else but always more ups than downs. he's 36 years old, a good man and comes from a fantastic family. he's the love of my life.
i knew he drank a lot when partying but i never realized how crippling and traumatizing the phrase "alcoholic" can be when you're suddenly faced with it. he started binging and hiding it from me and after experiencing withdrawal in October and feeling scared to death, he finally admitted to me what he'd been doing. he checked himself into a 28day program the next day.
I was floored. here i am, planning our wedding, and now our future together all of a sudden seemed impossible. He was sober for 4 months, and has relapsed under the guise of "experimenting with moderation". it's been a really rough time for me, and our relationship. I kicked him out for a few days because I just couldn't support him while he was active in his addiction. i don't currently know if he's drinking or not, but the arguing put me over the top- he was blaming me for throwing him out onto the streets, if he could just be home everything would be ok, yada yada yada. i know for sure he got drunk on 2 occasions and drank behind my back twice.
our wedding is 7 months away. i have done absolutely everything i can for him and i know it has to come from him in order to work, but, i'm feeling like i have no idea what to do anymore. my parents divorced when i was 5 years old and i feel like i'm putting myself in the position to repeat history. we don't have any children, but that was definitely part of our plan. i'm in therapy, he's back at AA, he's been to 3 meetings since i kicked him out and he's staying with his mother.
i'm doing my best to put this all on him and focus on myself, but it's not easy when i should be sending out save the dates!!! i know i can't throw out the words "what should i do", but i guess i'm just looking for some friendly advice, or maybe if anyone else has gone through this? in the 4 years we were together prior to getting engaged i truly didn't notice he was an alcoholic. now i'm blindsided. and terrified. i try to stay positive and put my faith in him but i know i don't want to relive this every few months. i try to remind myself that sobreity is new for him and this may take a while, especially with his sometimes hectic work schedule, but i don't want to suffer or worse, find myself filing for divorce with a small child in a few short years. i'd really appreciate any words of wisdom. i'm scared of how this disease may/will evolve in my fiancé. will he become a hateful and mean person? am i setting myself up for more heartbreak? will he give up and lose all the things that matter to him? should i get out now while i still have time?
i knew he drank a lot when partying but i never realized how crippling and traumatizing the phrase "alcoholic" can be when you're suddenly faced with it. he started binging and hiding it from me and after experiencing withdrawal in October and feeling scared to death, he finally admitted to me what he'd been doing. he checked himself into a 28day program the next day.
I was floored. here i am, planning our wedding, and now our future together all of a sudden seemed impossible. He was sober for 4 months, and has relapsed under the guise of "experimenting with moderation". it's been a really rough time for me, and our relationship. I kicked him out for a few days because I just couldn't support him while he was active in his addiction. i don't currently know if he's drinking or not, but the arguing put me over the top- he was blaming me for throwing him out onto the streets, if he could just be home everything would be ok, yada yada yada. i know for sure he got drunk on 2 occasions and drank behind my back twice.
our wedding is 7 months away. i have done absolutely everything i can for him and i know it has to come from him in order to work, but, i'm feeling like i have no idea what to do anymore. my parents divorced when i was 5 years old and i feel like i'm putting myself in the position to repeat history. we don't have any children, but that was definitely part of our plan. i'm in therapy, he's back at AA, he's been to 3 meetings since i kicked him out and he's staying with his mother.
i'm doing my best to put this all on him and focus on myself, but it's not easy when i should be sending out save the dates!!! i know i can't throw out the words "what should i do", but i guess i'm just looking for some friendly advice, or maybe if anyone else has gone through this? in the 4 years we were together prior to getting engaged i truly didn't notice he was an alcoholic. now i'm blindsided. and terrified. i try to stay positive and put my faith in him but i know i don't want to relive this every few months. i try to remind myself that sobreity is new for him and this may take a while, especially with his sometimes hectic work schedule, but i don't want to suffer or worse, find myself filing for divorce with a small child in a few short years. i'd really appreciate any words of wisdom. i'm scared of how this disease may/will evolve in my fiancé. will he become a hateful and mean person? am i setting myself up for more heartbreak? will he give up and lose all the things that matter to him? should i get out now while i still have time?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 31
I was really looking forward to this therapy session with him. I was also going to use it as a time to get my keys and credit card back while we're separated and he's working on himself. I really don't want to cancel the credit card because it's my main acct that's hooked up to everything for me. He has the same card, just with his name on it. I wonder if I can only deactivate the one with his name on it?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Is he merely an "authorized user" on your account, or is it a joint account? I think you just have to call the credit card company to remove him as an authorized user, but it's more complicated if it's a joint account.
I'd suggest calling the credit card's customer service number on the back of the card to find out. Most of them are available 24/7, so you could call today and find out what's required--if there's a form he needs to sign, for example, you could probably print it out and take it with you to the therapy session.
I'd suggest calling the credit card's customer service number on the back of the card to find out. Most of them are available 24/7, so you could call today and find out what's required--if there's a form he needs to sign, for example, you could probably print it out and take it with you to the therapy session.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
Simple question. Do you want a construction project or a marriage?
Marriages and families are already a handful when people are sober. Do you want every meeting with friends or family to start with How is your husband, is he staying sober? You will wind up with a marriage and/or family defined by his personal behavior.
Marriages and families are already a handful when people are sober. Do you want every meeting with friends or family to start with How is your husband, is he staying sober? You will wind up with a marriage and/or family defined by his personal behavior.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by bluelily
Honeypig, could you explain a little more what you mean by understanding things differently? I´m in need of some pep-talk right now too and knowing that others who went through this feel better and have grown from this experience would really help.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by danri
Honeypig, could you PM me too what you mean?
One of my issues in recovery is that I want to view my life as a cake recipe where I mix in 10 Alanon meetings and 16 posts on SR and 3 recovery books and 20 minutes of meditation each day for 2 weeks and voila! I'm recovered! I remember hearing people at Alanon meetings say "yes, I've been coming for 5/10/20 years and I'm still learning." I thought these people were nuts! How long could it take to figure this stuff out?
Well, I've found that recovery is NOT a cake recipe--just b/c I've put in the required ingredients does not mean I'm all better now. It's more like a crock of pickles or sauerkraut, where you put in the ingredients and then have to allow time for things to ferment! I have to give recovery time to percolate all thru my being, to become part of who I am and how I think, to soak into all parts of my life.
Recovery is a whole new mindset and way of life. I can't change those things instantly just b/c I've made up my mind to do so. True, making up my mind to change is the very FIRST thing I need to do, but recovery is a process and will take time. I wish I could point to some "AHA" revelation that changed everything for me, but it's been more like a series of small, interconnected revelations that is gradually and progressively changing how I think, how I act and react, how I see the world.
I'm going to list a bunch of threads that may help you along. You might want to thoroughly read one or two each day and let the wisdom contained in each one kind of "slow drip" into your consciousness. Here we go:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-stories.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...awakening.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-stories.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ess-story.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-stories.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...akes-time.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ther-side.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html
There are also 2 daily reader threads that have shed light on things for me, often exactly when I needed it:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-1-a.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...days-hope.html
I also want to suggest visiting the "Infinite Happy Days" gratitude thread (or its predecessor, the "100 Happy Days" thread) here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...joy-posts.html
Be gentle w/yourself. I want to stress again that recovery takes time, and time takes time. If you're like me, you want to see the whole path clear in front of you and want to know exactly what you'll do and how things will work well in advance. Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that. I'll close w/another favorite quote, this one from E. L. Doctorow. Just replace the word "writing" w/"recovery" and it's all about us:
“Writing is like driving at night in the fog. You can only see as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.”
You're gonna be OK, danri. One step at a time. There is no way to jump over or step around the pain, but you are strong enough to survive it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 31
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
Have you asked yourself if you trust and respect him? If this is the person you want as the father of your child?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I've spent 5 years knowing he would be the father of my children and he'd be great at it
did you have any factual evidence to support that or was that just a belief of yours? did he have other children and you got to witness his parenting? does he work WITH children and you got to observe his talents?
we often get caught up on what WE believe we SEE in our chosen one....their POTENTIAL.....only to find out later we overestimated who we thought they COULD be and ignored who they truly were/are.
i am glad you are putting the wedding on hold AND are willing to work on yourself! not that you aren't wonderful, but we ALL need some work! some housekeeping to do. garage sales to get rid of the accumulated clutter.
did you have any factual evidence to support that or was that just a belief of yours? did he have other children and you got to witness his parenting? does he work WITH children and you got to observe his talents?
we often get caught up on what WE believe we SEE in our chosen one....their POTENTIAL.....only to find out later we overestimated who we thought they COULD be and ignored who they truly were/are.
i am glad you are putting the wedding on hold AND are willing to work on yourself! not that you aren't wonderful, but we ALL need some work! some housekeeping to do. garage sales to get rid of the accumulated clutter.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 31
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
I've spent 5 years knowing he would be the father of my children and he'd be great at it
did you have any factual evidence to support that or was that just a belief of yours? did he have other children and you got to witness his parenting? does he work WITH children and you got to observe his talents?
we often get caught up on what WE believe we SEE in our chosen one....their POTENTIAL.....only to find out later we overestimated who we thought they COULD be and ignored who they truly were/are.
i am glad you are putting the wedding on hold AND are willing to work on yourself! not that you aren't wonderful, but we ALL need some work! some housekeeping to do. garage sales to get rid of the accumulated clutter.
did you have any factual evidence to support that or was that just a belief of yours? did he have other children and you got to witness his parenting? does he work WITH children and you got to observe his talents?
we often get caught up on what WE believe we SEE in our chosen one....their POTENTIAL.....only to find out later we overestimated who we thought they COULD be and ignored who they truly were/are.
i am glad you are putting the wedding on hold AND are willing to work on yourself! not that you aren't wonderful, but we ALL need some work! some housekeeping to do. garage sales to get rid of the accumulated clutter.
I don't feel ready to walk away from him completely but I'm going to stick to my boundaries and limits, and see where we go.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,434
I know you have a lot to process here, so I will just focus on a little detail
which is the credit card issue--
If you don't want to ask for your card back,
you could report it lost and they will keep the account but deactivate the number
and send you a new card with a new number for the same account.
Then ask them to send just one card in your name only.
Hang in there. Hope things go well tomorrow
which is the credit card issue--
If you don't want to ask for your card back,
you could report it lost and they will keep the account but deactivate the number
and send you a new card with a new number for the same account.
Then ask them to send just one card in your name only.
Hang in there. Hope things go well tomorrow
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 31
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
I know you have a lot to process here, so I will just focus on a little detail
which is the credit card issue--
If you don't want to ask for your card back,
you could report it lost and they will keep the account but deactivate the number
and send you a new card with a new number for the same account.
Then ask them to send just one card in your name only.
Hang in there. Hope things go well tomorrow
which is the credit card issue--
If you don't want to ask for your card back,
you could report it lost and they will keep the account but deactivate the number
and send you a new card with a new number for the same account.
Then ask them to send just one card in your name only.
Hang in there. Hope things go well tomorrow
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by danri
I just don't want this to be over. How will I know when/if to let him come home?
Again, your best bet is to focus on yourself. Don't hang your life on the peg of what he is or isn't doing. I know this is very difficult to do--we want answers, clear answers, and we want them NOW!--but that isn't the way it generally happens. Do the work on yourself and trust that when you need an answer, you'll have one.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 31
Originally Posted by honeypig
danri, recovery for him will be a process and will take time, just as it will for you. The rule of thumb you'll hear around here is for him to have a year of continuous sobriety and to be working a program as a bare minimum. He can't/won't recover in a matter of days/weeks/even months any more than you can.
Again, your best bet is to focus on yourself. Don't hang your life on the peg of what he is or isn't doing. I know this is very difficult to do--we want answers, clear answers, and we want them NOW!--but that isn't the way it generally happens. Do the work on yourself and trust that when you need an answer, you'll have one.
Again, your best bet is to focus on yourself. Don't hang your life on the peg of what he is or isn't doing. I know this is very difficult to do--we want answers, clear answers, and we want them NOW!--but that isn't the way it generally happens. Do the work on yourself and trust that when you need an answer, you'll have one.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 124
Originally Posted by danri
Is it not possible for us recover together?
Does this mean you can't be in each other's lives as you recover? I don't know. The nature of your relationship right now can be decided with time, boundaries, outside support, education on the subject, etc. As others said, you don't have to make big decisions right now. I do want to commend you, however, for postponing the wedding and educating yourself on this now instead of having magical thinking that it will somehow just all get better. You're smart and strong.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think you're getting a little ahead of yourself, trying to figure out when it will be "safe" to let him come home, and figuring out whether you can recover together.
As far as you know, at this point, he's not really interested in quitting drinking. That he went to a few meetings doesn't mean that has changed.
I know it's hard to sit with uncertainty, but right now things are about as uncertain as they can get. I won't say he CAN'T have an epiphany and decide to embrace sobriety. I CAN tell you it would be very, very unusual for it to happen that way.
All you can do is to wait and see. You'll know soon enough what's going on with him. As we say around here, more will be revealed.
As far as you know, at this point, he's not really interested in quitting drinking. That he went to a few meetings doesn't mean that has changed.
I know it's hard to sit with uncertainty, but right now things are about as uncertain as they can get. I won't say he CAN'T have an epiphany and decide to embrace sobriety. I CAN tell you it would be very, very unusual for it to happen that way.
All you can do is to wait and see. You'll know soon enough what's going on with him. As we say around here, more will be revealed.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 31
The longer I think about this I'm starting to realize that maybe my happiness does depend on him. I've often told him in the past that he makes everything better for me. Is that just how love goes, though? Don't we all light up around our person? Am I codependent if I feel this way? Right now the thought of us not seeing each other for an extended period is making the pit of my stomach drop.
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