engaged to an alcoholic
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 158
I donīt have much to add to what seems to be excellent advice, but it does seem much easier to have the locks changed instead of asking for the keys back. That way you donīt have to get into a lot of uncomfortable explanations.
Iīve discovered the hard way As donīt care to give things back when you ask for them if it doesnīt suit them.
Iīve discovered the hard way As donīt care to give things back when you ask for them if it doesnīt suit them.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 54
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
There's someone else on the forum who had to divorce her alcoholic only a few months after the wedding. It's certainly a lot better than staying married just because you had the wedding, but how much better it would have been if we hadn't even gone through with it!
You've gotten some great advice here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 31
thank you all. Another night of sobbing here. Some reoccurring thoughts 1) I keep replaying the good times over and over in my mind like a music video 2) I can't comprehend why he had to lie to me every single time. When I think about how many lies he's told me I realize I can't trust him. It's heart breaking. 3) would it be different if instead of hiding the drinking he just did it in front of me? Either way he'd be drinking but I'd at least have my trust in him. 4) I think about how everything between us is great when he's sober. He's not an angry person. He's my best friend. We get along so well. I can count on him to help out around the house, be my confident, hug and kiss me, the intimate times were great (except for the last attempt- go figure), he has a great job with benefits (I can financially support myself), we laugh together and have so many of the same interests.
He was apparently hiding drinking from me for 2 weeks. I had no idea. Not sure how much he had but we were happy during that time. Until we weren't. The poo hit the fan when I was after him to get back to AA mtgs (he couldn't finish 90/90 due to crazy work hours) and seeing his therapist. He started saying depressing things to me like he felt worthless, he has no friends, his family doesn't understand his childhood issues- daddy and self esteem.
So, my therapist urged me how serious it was and he was putting it off. I asked him to do those 2 things to get back on track to where he was. A week and a half later, still nothing. Then he started with excuses that he couldn't bc XYZ, it's always my way or the highway, I want everything done yesterday, etc. blaming me. When I know I have him plenty of time to do those 2 things. That's when our arguing started because I felt that he wasn't taking it seriously. So, while he'd been drinking already during this time, he then turned it up while we were fighting. He was out of the apartment all day drinking beers and sitting in his car down the block. Phone and text fighting continued. Later on I thought we were finally getting somewhere and he asked to come upstairs to eat the take out he bought with me. I said yes. When I opened the door I asked him if he was drunk and he said yes. I asked him to leave again.
This was last Saturday night and he's been out of my apartment since then. I keep thinking about the great life we could have if he could just tackle his issues. He's told me that there's too many emotions and he's not ready. I take that as he's not ready for sobriety and without doing so he's "white knuckling" it. (I learned that phrase while reading around the site, I hope it applies!)
Is it possible for someone who's an alcoholic to face their demons and find the strength to not need to self medicate?
His issues stem from his father not being around, feeling out of place in grade school for being chubby and quiet, being made fun of. As a result he has low self esteem, hates the people he works with (side note- his job is a god send considering he has a GED and no college- has benefits, pension and great pay scale, his insurance paid for his month long stay rehab), and he doesn't see how I could love him.
Am I giving him too much credit? No matter what underlying it all- he is an alcoholic. He can't do moderation. I used to be a bigger drinker when I was younger, but I stopped when hangovers after a night of partying negated all the fun I had the night before.
When he's drinking, he'll wake up hungover and just keep going.
Maybe this whole time I thought we were happy he was struggling and didn't want to tell me. I know I still love him and he needs to find his way to long term sobriety if I can even consider a future with him. It's just so sad. Taking back his keys, changing my locks, asking for my credit card back, my mom says I'm ending it. I'm thinking these are all things that can be earned back, but I'm so hurt right now from all the deceit that I can't possibly have him live with me. I don't know how he'll regain my trust.
He was apparently hiding drinking from me for 2 weeks. I had no idea. Not sure how much he had but we were happy during that time. Until we weren't. The poo hit the fan when I was after him to get back to AA mtgs (he couldn't finish 90/90 due to crazy work hours) and seeing his therapist. He started saying depressing things to me like he felt worthless, he has no friends, his family doesn't understand his childhood issues- daddy and self esteem.
So, my therapist urged me how serious it was and he was putting it off. I asked him to do those 2 things to get back on track to where he was. A week and a half later, still nothing. Then he started with excuses that he couldn't bc XYZ, it's always my way or the highway, I want everything done yesterday, etc. blaming me. When I know I have him plenty of time to do those 2 things. That's when our arguing started because I felt that he wasn't taking it seriously. So, while he'd been drinking already during this time, he then turned it up while we were fighting. He was out of the apartment all day drinking beers and sitting in his car down the block. Phone and text fighting continued. Later on I thought we were finally getting somewhere and he asked to come upstairs to eat the take out he bought with me. I said yes. When I opened the door I asked him if he was drunk and he said yes. I asked him to leave again.
This was last Saturday night and he's been out of my apartment since then. I keep thinking about the great life we could have if he could just tackle his issues. He's told me that there's too many emotions and he's not ready. I take that as he's not ready for sobriety and without doing so he's "white knuckling" it. (I learned that phrase while reading around the site, I hope it applies!)
Is it possible for someone who's an alcoholic to face their demons and find the strength to not need to self medicate?
His issues stem from his father not being around, feeling out of place in grade school for being chubby and quiet, being made fun of. As a result he has low self esteem, hates the people he works with (side note- his job is a god send considering he has a GED and no college- has benefits, pension and great pay scale, his insurance paid for his month long stay rehab), and he doesn't see how I could love him.
Am I giving him too much credit? No matter what underlying it all- he is an alcoholic. He can't do moderation. I used to be a bigger drinker when I was younger, but I stopped when hangovers after a night of partying negated all the fun I had the night before.
When he's drinking, he'll wake up hungover and just keep going.
Maybe this whole time I thought we were happy he was struggling and didn't want to tell me. I know I still love him and he needs to find his way to long term sobriety if I can even consider a future with him. It's just so sad. Taking back his keys, changing my locks, asking for my credit card back, my mom says I'm ending it. I'm thinking these are all things that can be earned back, but I'm so hurt right now from all the deceit that I can't possibly have him live with me. I don't know how he'll regain my trust.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Danri-sounds like you know you are doing the right thing! And it sounds like he is pulling the same alcoholic BS they all do by blaming you, etc. (they have a playbook it seems bc my ex used all those same excuses-too controlling, it's my way or the highway, blah bah blah). You will be ok....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 276
You do know he can get a DUI if he's sitting drunk in a parked car, right?
Then come the fines and legal fees, the sobriety classes and community service the loss of license and the expense that comes with that (my A was a prima Donna who would constantly call cabs and uber). And if you're lucky enough for him to have 3 DUIs, the jail time and job loss is fun, too.
Sorry to be sarcastic, but if the above is not how you picture your life, I would not marry him.
And I agree that you should just change the locks- if he's made a copy he'll justify that he violated your privacy because "he's not hurting anyone by staying there while you're away"
In fact, I've had that exact conversation will my STBX. Weirdly, I've had ALL of the above conversations.
I guess there really is an alcoholic script
Then come the fines and legal fees, the sobriety classes and community service the loss of license and the expense that comes with that (my A was a prima Donna who would constantly call cabs and uber). And if you're lucky enough for him to have 3 DUIs, the jail time and job loss is fun, too.
Sorry to be sarcastic, but if the above is not how you picture your life, I would not marry him.
And I agree that you should just change the locks- if he's made a copy he'll justify that he violated your privacy because "he's not hurting anyone by staying there while you're away"
In fact, I've had that exact conversation will my STBX. Weirdly, I've had ALL of the above conversations.
I guess there really is an alcoholic script
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,009
Ah Danri,
It just doesn't sound like he is ready for either sobriety or recovery any time soon. As much as you would like his sobriety to be part of your future it just doesn't look like this is how it will be.
As hard as it is, can you start putting together a plan for your own future? This plan needs to take into account the probability that this beautiful, beloved man is headed for self destruction.
It just doesn't sound like he is ready for either sobriety or recovery any time soon. As much as you would like his sobriety to be part of your future it just doesn't look like this is how it will be.
As hard as it is, can you start putting together a plan for your own future? This plan needs to take into account the probability that this beautiful, beloved man is headed for self destruction.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
OK, a couple of things. Lying about drinking is something EVERY alcoholic does. Even if you were to tell him it's OK for him to drink in front of you, but to just be truthful about it, he will hide the amount/frequency. He doesn't want to upset you, he doesn't want to fight about it, and he wants you OFF his back. Because to him, its his business whether/how much he drinks, not yours. And really, he's correct about that. It IS his business.
The problem is that alcoholism is progressive, and you will have no idea how much it has progressed until, well, progressively worse things start to happen. Just because things don't seem TOO bad at the moment doesn't mean that disaster isn't just around the corner.
Yes, it is possible for alcoholics to recover. Many do. My first husband has been sober for 36 years. I'm seven years sober. But he has TOLD you, in words and actions, that he is NOT ready to quit drinking. And that is the ONLY way that alcoholism can be arrested and recovery becomes possible. It could be years or decades before he's ready, or he may NEVER be ready. People die of this disease every day. Sometimes they die young, sometimes they die old, but still as miserable alcoholics.
And there really isn't anything you can do to MAKE him ready--to speed up the process. I can tell you, though, that marrying him isn't likely to help. I've never heard an alcoholic credit a loved one's endless endurance of pain for his/her eventual sobriety. I have, however, heard many say that only when they had enough losses--when their scorecard read zero--that they were able to see what alcohol had done/was doing to them and accept what they need to do to recover.
Yes, it's sad. I was sad when I had to leave my second husband. But I knew that staying with him would not help him and that I couldn't bear to watch his life continue to swirl down the drain. He wasn't a bad guy, by any means. He was someone who could be a lot of fun to be around. But I'd gone through one deathbed vigil (wherein I was told IF he lived he would certainly need a liver transplant), and after he had miraculously recovered with only slight liver damage (early cirrhosis) he was back to drinking as usual in less than a year's time. While he was in the hospital, he was hallucinating, had to be put into restraints. He turned yellow and had 40 quarts of fluid drained from his belly.
Others here have endured job loss, jail terms, economic insecurity, frightened and confused children.
Nobody can say EXACTLY what your future might look like if you marry him, but the risks look pretty high that you will experience at least some of this. Not to mention, alcoholics are "checked out" much of the time as drinking takes over more and more. You are likely to find yourself very lonely, missing the person who used to be your best friend, while he's passed out next to you.
The problem is that alcoholism is progressive, and you will have no idea how much it has progressed until, well, progressively worse things start to happen. Just because things don't seem TOO bad at the moment doesn't mean that disaster isn't just around the corner.
Yes, it is possible for alcoholics to recover. Many do. My first husband has been sober for 36 years. I'm seven years sober. But he has TOLD you, in words and actions, that he is NOT ready to quit drinking. And that is the ONLY way that alcoholism can be arrested and recovery becomes possible. It could be years or decades before he's ready, or he may NEVER be ready. People die of this disease every day. Sometimes they die young, sometimes they die old, but still as miserable alcoholics.
And there really isn't anything you can do to MAKE him ready--to speed up the process. I can tell you, though, that marrying him isn't likely to help. I've never heard an alcoholic credit a loved one's endless endurance of pain for his/her eventual sobriety. I have, however, heard many say that only when they had enough losses--when their scorecard read zero--that they were able to see what alcohol had done/was doing to them and accept what they need to do to recover.
Yes, it's sad. I was sad when I had to leave my second husband. But I knew that staying with him would not help him and that I couldn't bear to watch his life continue to swirl down the drain. He wasn't a bad guy, by any means. He was someone who could be a lot of fun to be around. But I'd gone through one deathbed vigil (wherein I was told IF he lived he would certainly need a liver transplant), and after he had miraculously recovered with only slight liver damage (early cirrhosis) he was back to drinking as usual in less than a year's time. While he was in the hospital, he was hallucinating, had to be put into restraints. He turned yellow and had 40 quarts of fluid drained from his belly.
Others here have endured job loss, jail terms, economic insecurity, frightened and confused children.
Nobody can say EXACTLY what your future might look like if you marry him, but the risks look pretty high that you will experience at least some of this. Not to mention, alcoholics are "checked out" much of the time as drinking takes over more and more. You are likely to find yourself very lonely, missing the person who used to be your best friend, while he's passed out next to you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
He has to want to quit.
They say around here "let go or get dragged".
Your intuition is correct--you can't compromise your own peace
to save someone who isn't yet ready to be saved, and may never choose sobriety.
But I can tell you that making it easy for him to drink by providing a safe landing
and the sense of "normal" by staying in the relationship will not help him quit.
In fact, it will have the opposite effect.
Only when I stood to lose everything did I finally step up and decide to stop.
It was the greatest gift I could have been given, though I was upset at the time.
They say around here "let go or get dragged".
Your intuition is correct--you can't compromise your own peace
to save someone who isn't yet ready to be saved, and may never choose sobriety.
But I can tell you that making it easy for him to drink by providing a safe landing
and the sense of "normal" by staying in the relationship will not help him quit.
In fact, it will have the opposite effect.
Only when I stood to lose everything did I finally step up and decide to stop.
It was the greatest gift I could have been given, though I was upset at the time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 31
I'm struggling with the idea of changing the locks. It's making this separation so real. I've spent close to everyday with this man over the past 5 years. Im caught in the middle right now between knowing what to do but my heart is hurting so bad. I wonder when I'll run out of tears.
He is the love of my life and he is doomed. I'm so scared that he could become a horrible person stuck in this addiction.
He is the love of my life and he is doomed. I'm so scared that he could become a horrible person stuck in this addiction.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
He's not "doomed" anymore than I was, or Lexie.
I became an alcoholic over time, just like him.
It was a choice I made, and when I realized the damage,
I took action.
When I decided to stop, and was fully committed, I did
and my life is full and I am as "normal" as you except that I
don't drink alcohol, and I accept that I can't do so again.
I take steps to protect and grow my life in recovery.
He's not "doomed" unless he chooses not to quit drinking,
but that is up to him. You can't make that choice for him.
Being an alcoholic doesn't make someone automatically "horrible"
by the way.
I grew up in a very dysfunctional alcoholic home and became a caregiver
to my narcissistic alcoholic mother for many years. These
issues were at the root of my drinking, and I drank to numb the pain,
and because that was my "model" of how to cope.
(Another reason not to have children with an active alcoholic
or stay with children in such a home)
I had low self-esteem and used alcohol to "feel better".
If he continues to drink however, his disease will progress
and the way he's acting now drunk will get worse.
It did for me too.
If you don't want this for yourself, step back now and change the locks.
If he sees there are consequences for his drinking, he may choose
to take some action. It's what made me finally stop, truthfully. . . .
But he may not be ready to quit, or choose to, so be ready for that.
I became an alcoholic over time, just like him.
It was a choice I made, and when I realized the damage,
I took action.
When I decided to stop, and was fully committed, I did
and my life is full and I am as "normal" as you except that I
don't drink alcohol, and I accept that I can't do so again.
I take steps to protect and grow my life in recovery.
He's not "doomed" unless he chooses not to quit drinking,
but that is up to him. You can't make that choice for him.
Being an alcoholic doesn't make someone automatically "horrible"
by the way.
I grew up in a very dysfunctional alcoholic home and became a caregiver
to my narcissistic alcoholic mother for many years. These
issues were at the root of my drinking, and I drank to numb the pain,
and because that was my "model" of how to cope.
(Another reason not to have children with an active alcoholic
or stay with children in such a home)
I had low self-esteem and used alcohol to "feel better".
If he continues to drink however, his disease will progress
and the way he's acting now drunk will get worse.
It did for me too.
If you don't want this for yourself, step back now and change the locks.
If he sees there are consequences for his drinking, he may choose
to take some action. It's what made me finally stop, truthfully. . . .
But he may not be ready to quit, or choose to, so be ready for that.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Is your A "doomed"? Well, Hawkeye and Lexie have both told you their stories. I'd suggest that you find an open AA meeting near you and go listen to the speakers. I think this might be really helpful for you; please do consider it. Alcoholism does not have to be a death sentence, but only he can decide when/if he's had enough.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 31
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
He's not "doomed" anymore than I was, or Lexie.
I became an alcoholic over time, just like him.
It was a choice I made, and when I realized the damage,
I took action.
When I decided to stop, and was fully committed, I did
and my life is full and I am as "normal" as you except that I
don't drink alcohol, and I accept that I can't do so again.
I take steps to protect and grow my life in recovery.
He's not "doomed" unless he chooses not to quit drinking,
but that is up to him. You can't make that choice for him.
Being an alcoholic doesn't make someone automatically "horrible"
by the way.
I grew up in a very dysfunctional alcoholic home and became a caregiver
to my narcissistic alcoholic mother for many years. These
issues were at the root of my drinking, and I drank to numb the pain,
and because that was my "model" of how to cope.
(Another reason not to have children with an active alcoholic
or stay with children in such a home)
I had low self-esteem and used alcohol to "feel better".
If he continues to drink however, his disease will progress
and the way he's acting now drunk will get worse.
It did for me too.
If you don't want this for yourself, step back now and change the locks.
If he sees there are consequences for his drinking, he may choose
to take some action. It's what made me finally stop, truthfully. . . .
But he may not be ready to quit, or choose to, so be ready for that.
I became an alcoholic over time, just like him.
It was a choice I made, and when I realized the damage,
I took action.
When I decided to stop, and was fully committed, I did
and my life is full and I am as "normal" as you except that I
don't drink alcohol, and I accept that I can't do so again.
I take steps to protect and grow my life in recovery.
He's not "doomed" unless he chooses not to quit drinking,
but that is up to him. You can't make that choice for him.
Being an alcoholic doesn't make someone automatically "horrible"
by the way.
I grew up in a very dysfunctional alcoholic home and became a caregiver
to my narcissistic alcoholic mother for many years. These
issues were at the root of my drinking, and I drank to numb the pain,
and because that was my "model" of how to cope.
(Another reason not to have children with an active alcoholic
or stay with children in such a home)
I had low self-esteem and used alcohol to "feel better".
If he continues to drink however, his disease will progress
and the way he's acting now drunk will get worse.
It did for me too.
If you don't want this for yourself, step back now and change the locks.
If he sees there are consequences for his drinking, he may choose
to take some action. It's what made me finally stop, truthfully. . . .
But he may not be ready to quit, or choose to, so be ready for that.
I read a lot of people here and in other threads mention the book codependent no more, so I ordered it, hoping it can help me.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,009
Originally Posted by danri
My emotions are all over the place right now. I've been reading a lot online about the disease and I haven't had contact with my fiancé in 2 days. .
For getting through grieving I always recommend, How to Survive the Loss of a Love. It is an easy short read. Although it was written some 50 years ago, I have never found anything as helpful.
Keep posting Danri. We are here for you as much as possible.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
danri, there are a couple of "daily reader" type threads here you might like to take a look at too. One is from a book called "The Language of Letting Go" by the same woman who wrote "Codependent No More". Here's the link:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-1-a.html
There is another called "Today's Hope" that is from an Alanon website. Here is that link:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ys-hope-4.html
The reason I suggested an open AA meeting for you was so that you can see A) that yes, recovery IS possible, B) what it looks like and C) what it took to get there. Four days sober is a good start for your A, but at this point, he's barely got the alcohol out of his system. It seems most A's here say it took them much, much longer (think in terms of a year or more) to begin to have a "normal" thought process. The 4 days are a good start, but don't hang your hat on that quite yet.
When I first came here, I really, really wanted for XAH to be "fixed" so I could continue w/my life as planned. I didn't get it about turning my attention to myself. It all seemed so nonsensical. Clearly he was wrong, b/c he had lied and hidden his drinking, and if he'd just act right, well, our lives would be good again. What was all the discussion about? Why did I need to do anything, dammit?
Well, 3 years later, I understand things much, much differently than I did then. In some ways, your posts remind me so much of how I felt then. Actually, I guess I want to thank you for posting b/c it reminds me of where I was versus where I am now. Hang in, danri, it really does become more clear, and you really do find you can do what you never believed you could.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-1-a.html
There is another called "Today's Hope" that is from an Alanon website. Here is that link:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ys-hope-4.html
The reason I suggested an open AA meeting for you was so that you can see A) that yes, recovery IS possible, B) what it looks like and C) what it took to get there. Four days sober is a good start for your A, but at this point, he's barely got the alcohol out of his system. It seems most A's here say it took them much, much longer (think in terms of a year or more) to begin to have a "normal" thought process. The 4 days are a good start, but don't hang your hat on that quite yet.
When I first came here, I really, really wanted for XAH to be "fixed" so I could continue w/my life as planned. I didn't get it about turning my attention to myself. It all seemed so nonsensical. Clearly he was wrong, b/c he had lied and hidden his drinking, and if he'd just act right, well, our lives would be good again. What was all the discussion about? Why did I need to do anything, dammit?
Well, 3 years later, I understand things much, much differently than I did then. In some ways, your posts remind me so much of how I felt then. Actually, I guess I want to thank you for posting b/c it reminds me of where I was versus where I am now. Hang in, danri, it really does become more clear, and you really do find you can do what you never believed you could.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,009
Originally Posted by danri
Should I contact him? Say hello, how are you? I miss you? He's supposed to come with me to a therapy session tomorrow.
Also, you probably have more time on your hands so if you have any vague, fuzzy dream that you have half thought of, now is the time to bring that into focus. If nothing else it keeps your sticky hands out of the situation. So think hard and start working on some dream of your own: ultimate frisbee team, lace making, badminton, Japanese tea ceremony, anything.
Hmmmm . . . talk about sticky hands and detaching, I just made breakfast for nephew and father who are perfectly capable of foraging for themselves and I really need to get some exercise. Pleading guilty here and off to do some yoga.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 158
Originally Posted by honeypig
Well, 3 years later, I understand things much, much differently than I did then. In some ways, your posts remind me so much of how I felt then. Actually, I guess I want to thank you for posting b/c it reminds me of where I was versus where I am now. Hang in, danri, it really does become more clear, and you really do find you can do what you never believed you could.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Originally Posted by danri
Should I contact him? Say hello, how are you? I miss you? He's supposed to come with me to a therapy session tomorrow.
If you do send that message, there's a 99% probability that you're buying another ticket on the roller coaster. His addiction is going to spot that glimmer of daylight in your boundaries and drive a dump truck right through it.
It will probably be a charming dump truck that says all the right things...at least until there's any hint that it might be threatened, at which point attack, blame, and pout will be the order of the day.
It's a lot to take in and denial is the first stage of grieving, so you wouldn't be the first person to try it again. And again. You're human.
Sending you a hug.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
