engaged to an alcoholic
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by danri 
re: Alanon, Can someone please explain this to me? I went to a meeting after he first went away to rehab and it was a horrible experience for me. I was distraught and I was desperate to learn how to be and what to do. I understand the basic ideals of controlling your actions and focusing on yourself, but during and after the meeting all the members basically told me to leave him- sharing their stories with me and telling me not to end up like them. I also noticed that during the meeting everyone was basically talking about their everyday lives and how the steps applied within. Are you supposed to speak about your person and how that's affected you, or is that more for personal therapy? I know I should just look for a different meeting and bounce around until I find one that suits me, but what should I be talking about once I'm there??
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 103
Im sorry to hear you had a bad first experience. As I understand it, one should never give advice in Alanon. You only share personal experience. You are empowered to make your own decisions. I think I got lucky with my Alanon group in that it was a good fit right off, but I hear of others having to shop around. For me, I do alot of listening at the meetings, not so much sharing. I get something out of every meeting by listening to how others have handled thier situations. The literature also helps. I find myself turning to the books when im stressed or not sure what to do next. I also have made one good friend in group that has been in the program for 3 years now, so its nice to have someone who has "been there, done that" so to speak to call when im feeling in crisis. I think mostly, its just nice to be in the company of people who truly understand what you are going through.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 276
Good for you keeping your boundary & making him leave. You've gotten great advice, and I'd only add that it's best to focus on yourself and your own wants and needs. Please don't put your life on hold waiting for him to recover as there can be many ups and downs along the way.
Just because you hope he will stop drinking doesn't mean he ever will.
Just because you hope he will stop drinking doesn't mean he ever will.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Newport Beach, CA
Posts: 103
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
Postponing a wedding is not the end of the world. But legally binding yourself to someone and bringing children into a home with active addiction is devastating
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 31
Originally Posted by jada1981
Hmmm...do you live in a large city? People in Al Anon should NEVER tell you what you should do (except for just taking care of yourself and trying not to focus on the alocholic). I live in a metropolitan area so I have options of lots of meetings and have never experienced this. Generally, there is a topic, which can be one of the steps or a tradition or even just a random topic, but you are always free to speak about whatever. If you have options of multiple meetings, definitely go and try different ones. There are always some that will not be a good fit.
as for putting the wedding on hold, I wish i had the strength to do this when he first went away to rehab. i definitely had my doubts, like this was changing everything- which it did. But, i didn't want to punish him or us for something he hadn't done yet, so i continued to send out deposits to the vendors.
he admitted to me that he's been drinking for 2 weeks (usually 2 beers, sometimes more- i'm assuming they were 24oz beers at that.) and he now has 2 days sober. he's been out of our apartment for going on 6 days and he drank for 4 of those days. while staying with his mother. who has no idea. this hurts me so much because i know i can't trust him and this side of him is the exact opposite of the man i love. while talking on the phone last night i sobbed that i wish i could kill this other person who is destroying our future.
we had a trip planned together next week with some friends that i've since told him that i don't want him to go and that didn't go over well. he's "different now", "i should trust him", "it's not fair", blah blah blah. Since i funded this trip and I've decided i need some joy in my life, i'm cancelling his ticket and taking this trip for myself. i'm at a point where i will only stress about if he's hiding anything from me and then not enjoy myself. it's amazing to me how he has been caught/has admitted to blatantly lying to me, and yet he just wants more of my trust right away.
now i'm faced with a tough decision about letting him come back home. i don't feel comfortable letting him stay in the apartment while i'm away. he will do whatever he wants anyway (he's proven that at his mother's place) but as of right now i don't want him in my place. i feel bad that it's so cramped at his mother's apartment with him there, but i guess it is what it is. (he has plenty of friends he can stay with, he just doesnt want to ask.) We have a couples session with my therapist on monday, and i'm not sure if i should discuss this with him this weekend- or wait until monday when i have a moderator. On the one hand I don't want this one detail to take up the whole session, because i don't see it going well. On the other, i need him to see how serious I am and i don't want to beat around the bush.
it is honestly breaking my heart thinking about asking for my keys back. i just can't believe that this is where we are. it's like i'm having flash backs of our happiness and i wonder if we'll ever find ourselves back there.
thank you all for being so supportive.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Boundaries aren't easy Danri, but I think you are on the right track. There are consequences in an intimate relationship when one partner erodes trust with their addictive behaviors. Putting the wedding on hold, pulling your apartment access, and taking your trip without him are all excellent boundaries.
My only suggestion might be to change your locks just in case he made a duplicate key...
My only suggestion might be to change your locks just in case he made a duplicate key...
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,055
Danri, it sounds like you are figuring this out and setting some great boundaries.
It is indeed heart breaking. I used to feel like people must be able to see the pain coming from me as it hurt so bad. I felt like I had a 10 foot hole in my chest.
Hang tough woman and I hope we can be supportive of you!
It is indeed heart breaking. I used to feel like people must be able to see the pain coming from me as it hurt so bad. I felt like I had a 10 foot hole in my chest.
Hang tough woman and I hope we can be supportive of you!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
while talking on the phone last night i sobbed that i wish i could kill this other person who is destroying our future.
it's amazing to me how he has been caught/has admitted to blatantly lying to me, and yet he just wants more of my trust right away.
As far as discussing w/the therapist, what I've seen said here is that therapy of any kind w/an active A is a waste of time, energy and money. Also, unless your therapist is trained in alcoholism and addiction issues, you may find that your A simply snows him/her w/lies and you end up getting no help.
It seems that you see remarkably clearly--I wish I'd had my eyes so wide open a long time ago! Keep the focus on you and what you want from life, and ask yourself if your fiance, as he is right this moment, is going to contribute to the life you see ahead. Keep on taking care of yourself.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
When I first went to al-anon I was in that traumatized chaos state reaching the end of my rope. Feeling desperate to do just about anything to help my loved one who was struggling with alcoholism. I was highly disappointed with my first meeting. My expectations of what al-anon was all about were so not what it really is all about.
Keep in mind that the people in al-anon are like the people here – life experiences of having lived/live with alcoholism has left many so hurt with so many pieces of life to put back together. I can understand why people would share their experiences and try and prevent someone else from the hurt and pain that comes from loving an alcoholic.
What al-anon has helped me realize were my own character defects and how my approach towards love and life was not self- loving but people pleasing and my choices were always in picking the wrong type person for close and or intimate relationships?
The tools I have learned in al-anon have helped me in all walks of life, family, friends, neighbors, co-workers and even the rude strangers cutting in line at the grocery store. Sharing at meetings about daily life experiences is normal because not all of our unhappy experiences include the alcoholic but more how WE and OUR feelings experience life.
I think if you explore what your expectations of al-anon really are and understand how it really works it may be a tremendous benefit especially if you chose to remain in the relationship.
Keep in mind that the people in al-anon are like the people here – life experiences of having lived/live with alcoholism has left many so hurt with so many pieces of life to put back together. I can understand why people would share their experiences and try and prevent someone else from the hurt and pain that comes from loving an alcoholic.
What al-anon has helped me realize were my own character defects and how my approach towards love and life was not self- loving but people pleasing and my choices were always in picking the wrong type person for close and or intimate relationships?
The tools I have learned in al-anon have helped me in all walks of life, family, friends, neighbors, co-workers and even the rude strangers cutting in line at the grocery store. Sharing at meetings about daily life experiences is normal because not all of our unhappy experiences include the alcoholic but more how WE and OUR feelings experience life.
I think if you explore what your expectations of al-anon really are and understand how it really works it may be a tremendous benefit especially if you chose to remain in the relationship.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Great feedback above.
One thing I'd add--calling off the wedding isn't "punishing" him, it's protecting yourself and your future. You aren't grounding him, like a teenager, you would be sparing yourself the legal entanglements and overall awfulness of going through a divorce.
I married my second husband despite serious doubts he was really sober (he'd almost died from alcohol and was going through the motions of going to meetings). I think I was overly optimistic because my first husband had been sober for fifteen years at that point. We only lived together a few months after the wedding, and by the following year we were divorced. There's someone else on the forum who had to divorce her alcoholic only a few months after the wedding. It's certainly a lot better than staying married just because you had the wedding, but how much better it would have been if we hadn't even gone through with it!
At this point, I think you could both use some space. What he does with his space is up to him, but I think you would be doing yourself a great service by taking a big step back from the insanity.
One thing I'd add--calling off the wedding isn't "punishing" him, it's protecting yourself and your future. You aren't grounding him, like a teenager, you would be sparing yourself the legal entanglements and overall awfulness of going through a divorce.
I married my second husband despite serious doubts he was really sober (he'd almost died from alcohol and was going through the motions of going to meetings). I think I was overly optimistic because my first husband had been sober for fifteen years at that point. We only lived together a few months after the wedding, and by the following year we were divorced. There's someone else on the forum who had to divorce her alcoholic only a few months after the wedding. It's certainly a lot better than staying married just because you had the wedding, but how much better it would have been if we hadn't even gone through with it!
At this point, I think you could both use some space. What he does with his space is up to him, but I think you would be doing yourself a great service by taking a big step back from the insanity.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 142
From my own personal experience, I knowingly married an alcoholic (thought things would improve because he was sober at the time), we were separated within 8 months, and the divorce dragged out for 2 years that were absolute hell. Sending love and prayers, I know how hard this is.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
He’s only been out of the house 6 days and drank on 4 of them and gave you attitude when you shared your feelings of wanting to take this trip alone. He says he wants you to trust him and if you don’t it’s not fair…………………Please HEAR what he is shouting at you…..he’s showing you he’s not changing, showing you he still wants to drink and all he asks is that you trust him………trust what exactly?
An alcoholic who truly wants to stop drinking will move heaven and earth and do what it takes……….not just provide lip service or blame.
You seem afraid of telling him he’s not welcome to stay in your apartment while you are gone, WHY what’s your fear all about? Remember this is the man you still want to marry and you can’t even bring yourself to ask for keys back and think a moderator on this subject is the way to go……….we shouldn’t even think of marrying people we fear or can’t even talk to.
An alcoholic who truly wants to stop drinking will move heaven and earth and do what it takes……….not just provide lip service or blame.
You seem afraid of telling him he’s not welcome to stay in your apartment while you are gone, WHY what’s your fear all about? Remember this is the man you still want to marry and you can’t even bring yourself to ask for keys back and think a moderator on this subject is the way to go……….we shouldn’t even think of marrying people we fear or can’t even talk to.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
I've been on this Forum off and on for a long time. I've been going to Alanon and AA meetings since 2003 and heard versions of your story hundreds of times. I've never seen somebody marrying an alcoholic early in recovery have a good outcome-- ever. Some of the circles of hell have been worse than others-- it's like being a frog in boiling water-- but the frog still dies eventually.
Usually, the people who make the decision to marry the alcoholic think that they are going to be the miracle-- that they are going to be the ones who turn it into a Hallmark movie of the week as they "love" the alcoholism away.
You still have time to save your life-- you can't save his. He has to. I'm not telling you to leave him, though it might be the best thing to do, but I submit that marrying him right now would be the single biggest mistake of your life. After five or more years of sobriety I might see it differently-- might.
Please, for your sake and that of your future children if that's the plan, do not marry right now.
My two cents. Good luck!
Usually, the people who make the decision to marry the alcoholic think that they are going to be the miracle-- that they are going to be the ones who turn it into a Hallmark movie of the week as they "love" the alcoholism away.
You still have time to save your life-- you can't save his. He has to. I'm not telling you to leave him, though it might be the best thing to do, but I submit that marrying him right now would be the single biggest mistake of your life. After five or more years of sobriety I might see it differently-- might.
Please, for your sake and that of your future children if that's the plan, do not marry right now.
My two cents. Good luck!
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 124
Originally Posted by Ariesagain
"I only had two beers" is like the alcoholic motto, anthem, and universal lie for all occasions.
For me, it was "I only had two glasses...", but the song was the same.
For me, it was "I only had two glasses...", but the song was the same.
So..yep.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 2
Get out now!!!
Originally Posted by danri
hello, i'm new here. my boyfriend proposed to me in june after being together for 4 years. we've had our ups and downs like everyone else but always more ups than downs. he's 36 years old, a good man and comes from a fantastic family. he's the love of my life.
i knew he drank a lot when partying but i never realized how crippling and traumatizing the phrase "alcoholic" can be when you're suddenly faced with it. he started binging and hiding it from me and after experiencing withdrawal in October and feeling scared to death, he finally admitted to me what he'd been doing. he checked himself into a 28day program the next day.
I was floored. here i am, planning our wedding, and now our future together all of a sudden seemed impossible. He was sober for 4 months, and has relapsed under the guise of "experimenting with moderation". it's been a really rough time for me, and our relationship. I kicked him out for a few days because I just couldn't support him while he was active in his addiction. i don't currently know if he's drinking or not, but the arguing put me over the top- he was blaming me for throwing him out onto the streets, if he could just be home everything would be ok, yada yada yada. i know for sure he got drunk on 2 occasions and drank behind my back twice.
our wedding is 7 months away. i have done absolutely everything i can for him and i know it has to come from him in order to work, but, i'm feeling like i have no idea what to do anymore. my parents divorced when i was 5 years old and i feel like i'm putting myself in the position to repeat history. we don't have any children, but that was definitely part of our plan. i'm in therapy, he's back at AA, he's been to 3 meetings since i kicked him out and he's staying with his mother.
i'm doing my best to put this all on him and focus on myself, but it's not easy when i should be sending out save the dates!!! i know i can't throw out the words "what should i do", but i guess i'm just looking for some friendly advice, or maybe if anyone else has gone through this? in the 4 years we were together prior to getting engaged i truly didn't notice he was an alcoholic. now i'm blindsided. and terrified. i try to stay positive and put my faith in him but i know i don't want to relive this every few months. i try to remind myself that sobreity is new for him and this may take a while, especially with his sometimes hectic work schedule, but i don't want to suffer or worse, find myself filing for divorce with a small child in a few short years. i'd really appreciate any words of wisdom. i'm scared of how this disease may/will evolve in my fiancé. will he become a hateful and mean person? am i setting myself up for more heartbreak? will he give up and lose all the things that matter to him? should i get out now while i still have time?
i knew he drank a lot when partying but i never realized how crippling and traumatizing the phrase "alcoholic" can be when you're suddenly faced with it. he started binging and hiding it from me and after experiencing withdrawal in October and feeling scared to death, he finally admitted to me what he'd been doing. he checked himself into a 28day program the next day.
I was floored. here i am, planning our wedding, and now our future together all of a sudden seemed impossible. He was sober for 4 months, and has relapsed under the guise of "experimenting with moderation". it's been a really rough time for me, and our relationship. I kicked him out for a few days because I just couldn't support him while he was active in his addiction. i don't currently know if he's drinking or not, but the arguing put me over the top- he was blaming me for throwing him out onto the streets, if he could just be home everything would be ok, yada yada yada. i know for sure he got drunk on 2 occasions and drank behind my back twice.
our wedding is 7 months away. i have done absolutely everything i can for him and i know it has to come from him in order to work, but, i'm feeling like i have no idea what to do anymore. my parents divorced when i was 5 years old and i feel like i'm putting myself in the position to repeat history. we don't have any children, but that was definitely part of our plan. i'm in therapy, he's back at AA, he's been to 3 meetings since i kicked him out and he's staying with his mother.
i'm doing my best to put this all on him and focus on myself, but it's not easy when i should be sending out save the dates!!! i know i can't throw out the words "what should i do", but i guess i'm just looking for some friendly advice, or maybe if anyone else has gone through this? in the 4 years we were together prior to getting engaged i truly didn't notice he was an alcoholic. now i'm blindsided. and terrified. i try to stay positive and put my faith in him but i know i don't want to relive this every few months. i try to remind myself that sobreity is new for him and this may take a while, especially with his sometimes hectic work schedule, but i don't want to suffer or worse, find myself filing for divorce with a small child in a few short years. i'd really appreciate any words of wisdom. i'm scared of how this disease may/will evolve in my fiancé. will he become a hateful and mean person? am i setting myself up for more heartbreak? will he give up and lose all the things that matter to him? should i get out now while i still have time?
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