Newly wed, husband newly sober, marriage in crisis
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
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I think you have done an amazing job here and lots of kudos for not only contacting DV, but also an attorney. Knowledge is your power here.
I would advise that you avoid conversations with him about his drinking, recovery or lack thereof, or any finger pointing about who did what. Avoid any argument at all cost. Be pleasant and non-confrontational.
he keeps coming downstairs to blame, guilt, and shame me. Whatever. Don't respond.
Most important I would try to avoid being around him if he is drinking.
I would advise that you avoid conversations with him about his drinking, recovery or lack thereof, or any finger pointing about who did what. Avoid any argument at all cost. Be pleasant and non-confrontational.
he keeps coming downstairs to blame, guilt, and shame me. Whatever. Don't respond.
Most important I would try to avoid being around him if he is drinking.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 1
Hi TTH,
Thank you so much for your posts! I found SB this evening as I'm home alone after a day out hiking with friends, feeling a bit lonely and anxious at home with my thoughts...contemplating how I will feel when my husband leaves rehab (he completes it on Tuesday and then will be with his parents for another week and then come back to the city where we live). He booked this flight back here without letting me know in advance and I became very upset --- I think it is something he should have discussed with me in advance, we later talked through it and I said that if he comes back on that flight he can sleep in the other bedroom, but that I am not ready to resume a romantic relationship with him or sleep in the same bed at this point. When he comes back it will be 5 weeks since I've seen him. I also told him I will always support his recovery and wish the best for him, but if he does this again I leaving him for good. Much about what you said about what you are going through from rent (mine is $2400 as well), living in an expensive city, dealing with family who isn't/doesn't know how to be supportive ... really resonated with me. I'm not sure what will happen between me and my spouse, but I want to make sure I take care of myself, become stronger and feel good enough about myself to be able to build a life on my own in any event. I'm going to attend an AlAnon meeting near me this week...I've thought about attending over the last several weeks, but I wasn't ready until now.
Thank you so much for your posts! I found SB this evening as I'm home alone after a day out hiking with friends, feeling a bit lonely and anxious at home with my thoughts...contemplating how I will feel when my husband leaves rehab (he completes it on Tuesday and then will be with his parents for another week and then come back to the city where we live). He booked this flight back here without letting me know in advance and I became very upset --- I think it is something he should have discussed with me in advance, we later talked through it and I said that if he comes back on that flight he can sleep in the other bedroom, but that I am not ready to resume a romantic relationship with him or sleep in the same bed at this point. When he comes back it will be 5 weeks since I've seen him. I also told him I will always support his recovery and wish the best for him, but if he does this again I leaving him for good. Much about what you said about what you are going through from rent (mine is $2400 as well), living in an expensive city, dealing with family who isn't/doesn't know how to be supportive ... really resonated with me. I'm not sure what will happen between me and my spouse, but I want to make sure I take care of myself, become stronger and feel good enough about myself to be able to build a life on my own in any event. I'm going to attend an AlAnon meeting near me this week...I've thought about attending over the last several weeks, but I wasn't ready until now.
Last edited by urbanexplorer; 11-22-2015 at 06:23 PM. Reason: spelling
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Join Date: Oct 2015
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Originally Posted by urbanexplorer 
Hi TTH,
Thank you so much for your posts! I found SB this evening as I'm home alone after a day out hiking with friends, feeling a bit lonely and anxious at home with my thoughts...contemplating how I will feel when my husband leaves rehab (he completes it on Tuesday and then will be with his parents for another week and then come back to the city where we live). He booked this flight back here without letting me know in advance and I became very upset --- I think it is something he should have discussed with me in advance, we later talked through it and I said that if he comes back on that flight he can sleep in the other bedroom, but that I am not ready to resume a romantic relationship with him or sleep in the same bed at this point. When he comes back it will be 5 weeks since I've seen him. I also told him I will always support his recovery and wish the best for him, but if he does this again I leaving him for good. Much about what you said about what you are going through from rent (mine is $2400 as well), living in an expensive city, dealing with family who isn't/doesn't know how to be supportive ... really resonated with me. I'm not sure what will happen between me and my spouse, but I want to make sure I take care of myself, become stronger and feel good enough about myself to be able to build a life on my own in any event. I'm going to attend an AlAnon meeting near me this week...I've thought about attending over the last several weeks, but I wasn't ready until now.
Thank you so much for your posts! I found SB this evening as I'm home alone after a day out hiking with friends, feeling a bit lonely and anxious at home with my thoughts...contemplating how I will feel when my husband leaves rehab (he completes it on Tuesday and then will be with his parents for another week and then come back to the city where we live). He booked this flight back here without letting me know in advance and I became very upset --- I think it is something he should have discussed with me in advance, we later talked through it and I said that if he comes back on that flight he can sleep in the other bedroom, but that I am not ready to resume a romantic relationship with him or sleep in the same bed at this point. When he comes back it will be 5 weeks since I've seen him. I also told him I will always support his recovery and wish the best for him, but if he does this again I leaving him for good. Much about what you said about what you are going through from rent (mine is $2400 as well), living in an expensive city, dealing with family who isn't/doesn't know how to be supportive ... really resonated with me. I'm not sure what will happen between me and my spouse, but I want to make sure I take care of myself, become stronger and feel good enough about myself to be able to build a life on my own in any event. I'm going to attend an AlAnon meeting near me this week...I've thought about attending over the last several weeks, but I wasn't ready until now.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 54
Oh boy. An update...
So, he's supposedly moving out by the end of this month. I leave for my parents' for Christmas the 22nd so I've got about 12 days to live on this emotional rollercoaster.
At the end of each day when I come home from work, I try to retreat to my room and just avoid him, but he follows me around trying to engage. I'm getting called a c##t, being told "I hope you rot in hell" one minute, and then the next, he comes back downstairs, his eyes all red, hugs me, and says, "I don't know why I hurt you. I'm so sorry!"
He's threatened NOT to move out a couple of times which scares the living crap out of me. I can't live like this anymore...he's GOT to move out! My only real backup plan is to sell my engagement and wedding rings and get a place.
At least I guess this is helpful information in that I know now that I made the right choice. Anyone who loves me as he says he does would not put me through this nightmare.
He's stopped going to AA altogether, btw, so my haunch that his recovery was not going to happen is confirmed.
I need to call the advocate again tomorrow while he's at work to find out if there is some legal aid I can get to have some papers drawn up to reflect what he has said he would be down with splitting and hopefully get the fact that he's moving OUT by Dec 31 in writing.
Sorry, my head is spinning. I can't believe this is my life!
So, he's supposedly moving out by the end of this month. I leave for my parents' for Christmas the 22nd so I've got about 12 days to live on this emotional rollercoaster.
At the end of each day when I come home from work, I try to retreat to my room and just avoid him, but he follows me around trying to engage. I'm getting called a c##t, being told "I hope you rot in hell" one minute, and then the next, he comes back downstairs, his eyes all red, hugs me, and says, "I don't know why I hurt you. I'm so sorry!"
He's threatened NOT to move out a couple of times which scares the living crap out of me. I can't live like this anymore...he's GOT to move out! My only real backup plan is to sell my engagement and wedding rings and get a place.
At least I guess this is helpful information in that I know now that I made the right choice. Anyone who loves me as he says he does would not put me through this nightmare.
He's stopped going to AA altogether, btw, so my haunch that his recovery was not going to happen is confirmed.
I need to call the advocate again tomorrow while he's at work to find out if there is some legal aid I can get to have some papers drawn up to reflect what he has said he would be down with splitting and hopefully get the fact that he's moving OUT by Dec 31 in writing.
Sorry, my head is spinning. I can't believe this is my life!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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I'm so sorry it's such a mess right now, Taco. Remember, though, this will PASS. Even if the very worst happens and he doesn't leave, YOU are gonna be OK. It may be uncomfortable for a while, but you will get through this. We all have your back, here.
Good luck with legal aid, and keep taking advantage of all the help you can get. Don't be afraid to brainstorm with your experts and ask them who else you might be able to get help from.
Good luck with legal aid, and keep taking advantage of all the help you can get. Don't be afraid to brainstorm with your experts and ask them who else you might be able to get help from.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
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Well, he signed a lease and put down a deposit on a place. Thank god!!!
He wants to come back together in the future and he wants to work on us. I'm so disgusted by everything that's gone down that I'm just so not into it. When I said that I wasn't feeling it given that he had JUST verbally abused me the day before, he got angry and stormed off. Of course I'm not allowed to have a say as to whether or not I want a relationship with him. What a joke!
I really want space from him once he moves out but I know he's going to be really resistant and want to see me. His name is still on our lease even though I'm going to be paying all the rent (rental company wouldn't take him off). I may just add a chain lock or something.
He wants to come back together in the future and he wants to work on us. I'm so disgusted by everything that's gone down that I'm just so not into it. When I said that I wasn't feeling it given that he had JUST verbally abused me the day before, he got angry and stormed off. Of course I'm not allowed to have a say as to whether or not I want a relationship with him. What a joke!
I really want space from him once he moves out but I know he's going to be really resistant and want to see me. His name is still on our lease even though I'm going to be paying all the rent (rental company wouldn't take him off). I may just add a chain lock or something.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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Thank god he signed the lease and put down the deposit.
I take it that HE doesn't have a problem having his name off the lease, but it's strictly the landlord unwilling to do it? (I'm assuming the landlord wants the right to go after him for the rent if you don't pay it and for him to be responsible for any damages if they occur.) This isn't legal advice, but I'd suggest you just have the locks changed and make sure your landlord is given a key to the new one. You could tell them that you are separating and that he lives elsewhere now. You can tell the landlord you understand that if he demands the key so he can come in, they may not be able to refuse, but that you would appreciate being notified if he makes that request, just for your own safety. Seems to me that a reasonable landlord would understand and be willing to comply with that. Worst case scenario, they change the lock again and give you both keys and charge you for the locksmith, but I'm betting if you did it on your own and provided them with a key they wouldn't go to the trouble. Just a suggestion, and as I said, not legal advice.
I hope you're able to enjoy your new drunk-free zone soon!
Hugs,
I take it that HE doesn't have a problem having his name off the lease, but it's strictly the landlord unwilling to do it? (I'm assuming the landlord wants the right to go after him for the rent if you don't pay it and for him to be responsible for any damages if they occur.) This isn't legal advice, but I'd suggest you just have the locks changed and make sure your landlord is given a key to the new one. You could tell them that you are separating and that he lives elsewhere now. You can tell the landlord you understand that if he demands the key so he can come in, they may not be able to refuse, but that you would appreciate being notified if he makes that request, just for your own safety. Seems to me that a reasonable landlord would understand and be willing to comply with that. Worst case scenario, they change the lock again and give you both keys and charge you for the locksmith, but I'm betting if you did it on your own and provided them with a key they wouldn't go to the trouble. Just a suggestion, and as I said, not legal advice.
I hope you're able to enjoy your new drunk-free zone soon!
Hugs,
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He would rather be taken off it, but he said he knows I will pay it so it is not an issue.
I love your suggestions. I really appreciate it since it is so hard to think clearly with all this going on.
Yeah, he's not drinking but he's even worse to deal with than when he was. I'm so ready for some peace and calm.
I love your suggestions. I really appreciate it since it is so hard to think clearly with all this going on.
Yeah, he's not drinking but he's even worse to deal with than when he was. I'm so ready for some peace and calm.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
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Please keep going to Alanon...
...you don't want to be me 15 years from now.
That said:
"I did go to Al-anon...cried the entire meeting. I don't know how much it helped other than to hear other people talk about things that resonated with me like having rageaholic parents. I will keep going." You felt better after the meeting. That alone was the reason I kept going at first, and it was a DAMN good reason.
"he said he gets set off by seeing me living as a roommate and not his wife and then starts fights with me and it just makes things worse. He's agreed to pay me some of the rent here (not much, but a little will help)." This is his issue, and is neither your fault nor your responsibility. Only alcoholics and infantile men think like this.
"I'm confused because I do think that if I was nicer, snuggled with him, acted warmer, he wouldn't be so verbally and emotionally abusive." This is classic codependent feeling, but is also not accurate. Al-anon will teach you to not feel this anymore, and will help you to learn that there is never a time you are responsible for his feelings. He is responsible for his feelings. It's this type of thinking that keeps people coming back for more verbal and emotional abuse. IT IS NEVER OK TO ACCEPT VERBAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE.
"but I do sometimes wonder if I'm doing the right thing because I hear so much from them saying I'm not." You are doing the right thing-- they are long-term codependent enablers with no recovery. They are not qualified to speak on this, or judge, in any way.
My two cents. Take care, and please keep attending Al-anon meetings, no matter what anybody says, unless and until you of your own volition do not want to attend any more.
Cyranoak
That said:
"I did go to Al-anon...cried the entire meeting. I don't know how much it helped other than to hear other people talk about things that resonated with me like having rageaholic parents. I will keep going." You felt better after the meeting. That alone was the reason I kept going at first, and it was a DAMN good reason.
"he said he gets set off by seeing me living as a roommate and not his wife and then starts fights with me and it just makes things worse. He's agreed to pay me some of the rent here (not much, but a little will help)." This is his issue, and is neither your fault nor your responsibility. Only alcoholics and infantile men think like this.
"I'm confused because I do think that if I was nicer, snuggled with him, acted warmer, he wouldn't be so verbally and emotionally abusive." This is classic codependent feeling, but is also not accurate. Al-anon will teach you to not feel this anymore, and will help you to learn that there is never a time you are responsible for his feelings. He is responsible for his feelings. It's this type of thinking that keeps people coming back for more verbal and emotional abuse. IT IS NEVER OK TO ACCEPT VERBAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE.
"but I do sometimes wonder if I'm doing the right thing because I hear so much from them saying I'm not." You are doing the right thing-- they are long-term codependent enablers with no recovery. They are not qualified to speak on this, or judge, in any way.
My two cents. Take care, and please keep attending Al-anon meetings, no matter what anybody says, unless and until you of your own volition do not want to attend any more.
Cyranoak
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Thank you for going back through those posts and pulling this out, because this is the main thing I'm struggling with even NOW as I am feeling hugely relieved that things are moving toward divorce. I keep wondering if I could have or should have done more. My parents keep suggesting that his actions are the result of my not being warm toward him. God, I needed to read this! Thank you!
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Originally Posted by TacoTruckHeaven
Thank you for going back through those posts and pulling this out, because this is the main thing I'm struggling with even NOW as I am feeling hugely relieved that things are moving toward divorce. I keep wondering if I could have or should have done more. My parents keep suggesting that his actions are the result of my not being warm toward him. God, I needed to read this! Thank you!
I am sorry your parents can't be more supportive. It just is what it is.
I know this is a really tough time for you. You are faced this month of either living with your alcoholic or your non-supportive parents.
BELIEVE me, it gets better. A year ago today, I was faced with either a crazy landlady or my alcoholic mate unless I went to a hotel.
Today, I have my own peaceful place with a warm kitty cat and a fireplace. My place is all decorated for Christmas.
I am still rebuilding my life. I know that this time next year, I will be better than this year.
Hang in there and keep coming back!
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I thought I would come back and update. He is out, and actually left with minimal drama. I feel twinges of guilt and sadness - I try not to think about my wedding day and my hopes and dreams for my life with him because that's when the worst feelings emerge. Luckily every time we have talked he has swung back and forth between being contrite and saying all the right things and then being verbally abusive out of nowhere. (Or rather, when I say I am not ready to see him).
I've got a long road ahead - I have to figure out how to move forward with the legal side of things. We don't have any joint property and none of our accounts are joint or anything...I guess I have until April which is when we will have been separated 6 months and I can file. I never turned in the documentation signed by the pastor on our wedding day though so there is no real record. Gotta figure out how that works.
I've been doing great in therapy and have already been practicing setting boundaries and have been addressing a lot of the stuff from my childhood that got me here. So even though I'm sad and I miss the good times, I definitely feel a new sense of calm and control over my own life and happiness that I didn't have before.
I've slacked off with going to Al Anon because I had a friend come and stay with me for the last month and this will be my first weekend alone in this house. I gotta go back Sunday night to the group by my house. I don't totally get Al Anon yet, but I am swayed by the testimonials enough to give it another shot.
I've got a long road ahead - I have to figure out how to move forward with the legal side of things. We don't have any joint property and none of our accounts are joint or anything...I guess I have until April which is when we will have been separated 6 months and I can file. I never turned in the documentation signed by the pastor on our wedding day though so there is no real record. Gotta figure out how that works.
I've been doing great in therapy and have already been practicing setting boundaries and have been addressing a lot of the stuff from my childhood that got me here. So even though I'm sad and I miss the good times, I definitely feel a new sense of calm and control over my own life and happiness that I didn't have before.
I've slacked off with going to Al Anon because I had a friend come and stay with me for the last month and this will be my first weekend alone in this house. I gotta go back Sunday night to the group by my house. I don't totally get Al Anon yet, but I am swayed by the testimonials enough to give it another shot.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
TTH, I'd suggest consulting a lawyer, just for a consult and maybe to look over your paperwork. It won't be very expensive, and it might save you some grief down the road in case you forgot to dot an i or cross a t. If it's as simple as you describe, it's probably something you can do yourself, for the most part. Just a good idea to have someone give it all the once-over.
Glad he left without too much drama.
Hugs,
Glad he left without too much drama.
Hugs,
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
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Hi TTH, congratulations for getting this far this fast. Some people take way longer to figure it out. However, the pain, guilt sadness is the same for all of us.
Please take care of yourself during this time of healing. I hope 2016 is a wonderful year for you. You sound like an amazing person!
Please take care of yourself during this time of healing. I hope 2016 is a wonderful year for you. You sound like an amazing person!
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