atalose

What's your expectation of......him getting himself straightened out? What does straightened out mean to you?

TacoTruckHeaven

Well, when he was here, white knuckling, he was angry and volatile. I was hoping he could stabilize apart from me. He started taking meds and I thought the reality of living without me would help him see how serious this is and he would be committed to recovery.

redatlanta

You weren't his problem, you weren't the reason he was unstable.

He has stabilized! He can drink and do whatever he wants! Things are calm. Nobody telling him what to do and he can spin tales of the being the only moderate drinking Alcoholic in the world! Good on him.

TacoTruckHeaven

No, I didn't think it was me - I just didn't want to be around it. I was giving him time to get his head on straight and his moods stable before I was going to be around him again.

honeypig

I think if there was a penny placed in a pot for every person here at SR who had this thought, there would be more pennies than stars in the sky!

I know I saw it said here many times, don't take an action hoping it will cause the A to react in a certain way; take an action b/c you know it is the right action for you yourself.

And yet, when XAH finally moved out, I had to admit that yes, to a certain extent, I was hoping that this would finally be real enough that he'd see the error of his ways, he'd decide he really did love me and the dogs and our home, and he'd start to work on recovery.

He did not. He has not. He seems to be content enough in his apartment, with his alcohol, his model airplanes and his movies. Up until fairly recently, I still wanted, in my heart of hearts, to know that he felt remorse, that he wished he had chosen differently. Only a few days ago, everything I've read, talked about, thought about and prayed about up until this point finally coalesced, and I feel that I've made a giant step forward in accepting what is and letting go of what I only wish was. I suspect there is more letting go to do even now, but this was a big shift in my way of thinking and my feelings towards XAH and the last 21 years of my life. I can't even say what a weight has been released....

I can't tell you how to get to that point more quickly or in a better way than I did or than you are doing. If you in fact left your A hoping to manipulate him into recovery and that has backfired, I believe all you can do is assess where you are right now and start working on your own life and goals, which is what you'd have to do sooner or later anyway...

You might want to look at these threads to see if anything seems helpful to you:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...akes-time.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...re-posted.html

TacoTruckHeaven

No, I didn't leave him to manipulate him into getting better, I left him because I just couldn't do it anymore. But I definitely thought it could be a by-product!

Thanks for all the feedback. I'm reading and thinking.

atalose

This is why al-anon could be so important for you. We can’t force solutions. You leaving him with “hopes” that he’d straighten out is unrealistic. And hopefully you are beginning to understand alcoholic/addict behaviors because his is not unique it’s rather typical.