Newly wed, husband newly sober, marriage in crisis
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 54
Newly wed, husband newly sober, marriage in crisis
Hi all.
My husband and I got married in March of this year, against my better judgment. I don't know if it was magical thinking or what - I knew he had a problem. Reading about codependency I can see how I got here. I come from a dysfunctional family with a rageaholic mom who held everyone in the home hostage in a sense and have been trying to win my parents' approval and affection for years (perfectionist high achiever, yet still seen as the black sheep in the family, while my 3 almost non-functional siblings are upheld).
Things escalated pretty recently and I had some epiphanies. There were some ugly drinking episodes - one the night before our wedding where I walked into our suite and my husband had vomited in the bed and there was broken glass everywhere and he was incoherent and moaning. I tried to call off the wedding but my mother and aunt laughed at me and said I was overreacting. Then a few months after the wedding he was so drunk at a sporting event he wandered off and when I found him, he threw something at me and was yelling at me and the cops got involved. When he sobered up the next day I told him I wanted a divorce. (I saw that I couldn't live like this anymore and my career was in jeopardy with police involvement).
He quit drinking and I gave him another chance. We moved to a new city and started new jobs. He white knuckled it for months, saying he couldn't do AA because of the religious component. He was helping out around the house, started really committing to his running and even ran an ultramarathon, he's going to yoga and the gym, and going to therapy. But without a program of recovery, he was (1) isolated and (2) not actually getting to the root of his issues. So there was a lot of tension around the house and it even got to a point where he was verbally abusing me. His emotions are ALL over the map. He's lovey dovey, bringing me flowers, crying telling me I'm an angel and how could he have ever hurt me, and then the next minute raging on me, texting me calling me an @$$hole, getting super angry whenever I am going out with the new friends I've made here.
So again I told him I want a divorce. I can't live with someone drinking the way he was but I also can't live walking on eggshells or on his emotional rollercoaster. He agreed to start a recovery program and has been to 10 AA meetings and keeps going (though it doesn't seem he's working the steps yet).
I used to not go out with friends in order to avoid setting him off (he had yelled at or in front of different friends at several different times) but I'm not going to live like that any more, so I just decided to make social connections and live with the backlash...but I don't know if I can actually live with the backlash.
I'm confused because I don't want to be codependent anymore - it was eating me alive. But I am not sure how much support to actually give him. I feel like through these 2 ultimatums (which I'm totally serious about, btw - I am so mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted by this relationship) I am in a sense directing his recovery. Does that make sense? I want to just deal with "my side of the street" butI don't know how much to support him.
Through all of the backlash from him I just don't feel very loving toward him and I think that feeds his negative cycle. At the same time, I know I am not supposed to be thinking this way, right? His feelings about my actions are not for me to worry about, right?
I'm finally ready to go to AL-ANON. I found a meeting near me tomorrow. I have resisted for so long because we are in couples counseling, I'm in individual therapy, and I resented the fact I needed something ELSE because of him. But I see now that I need it for me - it's not about him.
I think I would have already left him if I could afford it. We live in one of the most expensive cities in the US rent-wise and we JUST signed this lease. I might barely be able to afford it on my own, but it would be extremely tight.
Also, I know that I contributed to this. I enabled his drinking like he was by always telling him it was ok and making him feel better after he caused a sh!tshow. I let him get away with murder over and over again. And now he's puzzled as to why I'm distant and not involved with his feelings anymore.
Any advice or words are totally welcome. I'm not soft and sensitive so feel free to be completely frank. Thanks for reading
My husband and I got married in March of this year, against my better judgment. I don't know if it was magical thinking or what - I knew he had a problem. Reading about codependency I can see how I got here. I come from a dysfunctional family with a rageaholic mom who held everyone in the home hostage in a sense and have been trying to win my parents' approval and affection for years (perfectionist high achiever, yet still seen as the black sheep in the family, while my 3 almost non-functional siblings are upheld).
Things escalated pretty recently and I had some epiphanies. There were some ugly drinking episodes - one the night before our wedding where I walked into our suite and my husband had vomited in the bed and there was broken glass everywhere and he was incoherent and moaning. I tried to call off the wedding but my mother and aunt laughed at me and said I was overreacting. Then a few months after the wedding he was so drunk at a sporting event he wandered off and when I found him, he threw something at me and was yelling at me and the cops got involved. When he sobered up the next day I told him I wanted a divorce. (I saw that I couldn't live like this anymore and my career was in jeopardy with police involvement).
He quit drinking and I gave him another chance. We moved to a new city and started new jobs. He white knuckled it for months, saying he couldn't do AA because of the religious component. He was helping out around the house, started really committing to his running and even ran an ultramarathon, he's going to yoga and the gym, and going to therapy. But without a program of recovery, he was (1) isolated and (2) not actually getting to the root of his issues. So there was a lot of tension around the house and it even got to a point where he was verbally abusing me. His emotions are ALL over the map. He's lovey dovey, bringing me flowers, crying telling me I'm an angel and how could he have ever hurt me, and then the next minute raging on me, texting me calling me an @$$hole, getting super angry whenever I am going out with the new friends I've made here.
So again I told him I want a divorce. I can't live with someone drinking the way he was but I also can't live walking on eggshells or on his emotional rollercoaster. He agreed to start a recovery program and has been to 10 AA meetings and keeps going (though it doesn't seem he's working the steps yet).
I used to not go out with friends in order to avoid setting him off (he had yelled at or in front of different friends at several different times) but I'm not going to live like that any more, so I just decided to make social connections and live with the backlash...but I don't know if I can actually live with the backlash.
I'm confused because I don't want to be codependent anymore - it was eating me alive. But I am not sure how much support to actually give him. I feel like through these 2 ultimatums (which I'm totally serious about, btw - I am so mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted by this relationship) I am in a sense directing his recovery. Does that make sense? I want to just deal with "my side of the street" butI don't know how much to support him.
Through all of the backlash from him I just don't feel very loving toward him and I think that feeds his negative cycle. At the same time, I know I am not supposed to be thinking this way, right? His feelings about my actions are not for me to worry about, right?
I'm finally ready to go to AL-ANON. I found a meeting near me tomorrow. I have resisted for so long because we are in couples counseling, I'm in individual therapy, and I resented the fact I needed something ELSE because of him. But I see now that I need it for me - it's not about him.
I think I would have already left him if I could afford it. We live in one of the most expensive cities in the US rent-wise and we JUST signed this lease. I might barely be able to afford it on my own, but it would be extremely tight.
Also, I know that I contributed to this. I enabled his drinking like he was by always telling him it was ok and making him feel better after he caused a sh!tshow. I let him get away with murder over and over again. And now he's puzzled as to why I'm distant and not involved with his feelings anymore.
Any advice or words are totally welcome. I'm not soft and sensitive so feel free to be completely frank. Thanks for reading
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Taco
I am sorry for what brought you here. You will find a lot of support. I also urge you to continue in AlAnon. You might need to try different meetings before you find your home group.
I know we can't really know someone from reading a post, but you impress me as someone with a superior intellect. This can be a blessing or a bane in recovery. We tend to overthink things.
I am convinced that a good program connected to our higher power often bypasses our intellect, making it difficult for us to accept sometimes.
I am impressed that you could ask for a divorce on those two occasions. Most of us struggle for YEARS to let go. Consider this one of your strengths.
Keep coming back!!!
I am sorry for what brought you here. You will find a lot of support. I also urge you to continue in AlAnon. You might need to try different meetings before you find your home group.
I know we can't really know someone from reading a post, but you impress me as someone with a superior intellect. This can be a blessing or a bane in recovery. We tend to overthink things.
I am convinced that a good program connected to our higher power often bypasses our intellect, making it difficult for us to accept sometimes.
I am impressed that you could ask for a divorce on those two occasions. Most of us struggle for YEARS to let go. Consider this one of your strengths.
Keep coming back!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
You should be worrying about your side of the street and not his. He is probably all over the place because he doesn't know what he wants and you can't tell him for him. AA is great if it is the program he wants to work. If he is going to appease you it is a waste of time.
A lot of people find their own recovery path. It has to do with intention. If he wants a sober normal life he will do whatever it takes. If he is merely trying to make you happy it will blow up.
In the meantime you need to ask yourself if you want to be part of the chaos while he tries to figure it out or would it be better for you to separate at least for a while until you can gain clarity and a firm footing
A lot of people find their own recovery path. It has to do with intention. If he wants a sober normal life he will do whatever it takes. If he is merely trying to make you happy it will blow up.
In the meantime you need to ask yourself if you want to be part of the chaos while he tries to figure it out or would it be better for you to separate at least for a while until you can gain clarity and a firm footing
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
Hi TTH, and welcome to the forum,
As far as I can tell, you seem to be moving in the right direction.
I am not sure how much support to actually give him.
I found Alanon particularly helpful with this issue. Through the daily readings, the steps, and the support of others, I was able to draw lines that I was comfortable with.
For me it became an issue of being true to myself, and my strong belief that, although I was getting a divorce, I would be happier if there was no animosity between us. As it stands now, my XAH's drinking is his problem, and I never expect it to be my problem again. He knows, however, that if he ever wanted recovery, I would support him. Maybe only with prayers, but it would be from the heart.
In order to offer him that "loving support", however, I had to let go of any control over his recovery. Any and all. I never ask him about his drinking. It ain't my business. Boy, does it feel good to say that.
I'm not sure how Alanon got me to this place. It didn't happen all at once. It was a journey, and took a lot of work on my part. I suspect I'll have to continue working on it.
The one thing you can remember though, as you move forward, is that when you support yourself you are supporting him. Regardless of whether or not you divorce. In fact, that's probably the single best thing you can do for him. Stay on the path you're on, and support your own recovery.
(On a side note: I love your name. I left the west coast years ago, and desperately miss the taco trucks.)
As far as I can tell, you seem to be moving in the right direction.
I am not sure how much support to actually give him.
I found Alanon particularly helpful with this issue. Through the daily readings, the steps, and the support of others, I was able to draw lines that I was comfortable with.
For me it became an issue of being true to myself, and my strong belief that, although I was getting a divorce, I would be happier if there was no animosity between us. As it stands now, my XAH's drinking is his problem, and I never expect it to be my problem again. He knows, however, that if he ever wanted recovery, I would support him. Maybe only with prayers, but it would be from the heart.
In order to offer him that "loving support", however, I had to let go of any control over his recovery. Any and all. I never ask him about his drinking. It ain't my business. Boy, does it feel good to say that.
I'm not sure how Alanon got me to this place. It didn't happen all at once. It was a journey, and took a lot of work on my part. I suspect I'll have to continue working on it.
The one thing you can remember though, as you move forward, is that when you support yourself you are supporting him. Regardless of whether or not you divorce. In fact, that's probably the single best thing you can do for him. Stay on the path you're on, and support your own recovery.
(On a side note: I love your name. I left the west coast years ago, and desperately miss the taco trucks.)
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi TTH, your question about driving his recovery for him is a valid one. There are plenty of stories around about people who've become sober because the partner has given them an ultimatum. Whether it's enough incentive for him is the question; it seems like he values your relationship but he's white-knuckling without really being convinced for himself. This sets him up for failure.
I became sober without working a program but my last of many tries was successful because I accepted I couldn't drink moderately. It was a completely different mindset from trying because I thought I should.
Although it's true that all spouses of As should focus on their own recovery, it's not very fulfilling living with someone with seesawing moods and occasional relapses. You probably want more than that out of a marriage, especially as you went into it with doubts.
As for him being confused with your attitude; well you can explain it clearly by saying that at the beginning you were niaive and didn't realise where his occasional drinking would lead. Now you understand that as an A he can never start drinking again, and that's why you've changed your attitude.
I became sober without working a program but my last of many tries was successful because I accepted I couldn't drink moderately. It was a completely different mindset from trying because I thought I should.
Although it's true that all spouses of As should focus on their own recovery, it's not very fulfilling living with someone with seesawing moods and occasional relapses. You probably want more than that out of a marriage, especially as you went into it with doubts.
As for him being confused with your attitude; well you can explain it clearly by saying that at the beginning you were niaive and didn't realise where his occasional drinking would lead. Now you understand that as an A he can never start drinking again, and that's why you've changed your attitude.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 54
Thanks for these thoughtful responses.
Yes, he has said numerous times that if we do split up he will start drinking again.
He claims he never tried to moderate (all those years I begged him to slow down, drink lighter beers, drink less, etc.) and now he wants to try to drink normally.
I wish so much that we could work on ourselves separately so that I don't have to weather his emotional storms while he gets better (if he can). I feel so stuck with this $2400 a month rent. We are on a lease through August 2016. We can't break the lease here without being responsible for all the rent.
I guess I need to figure out if he can pay some of the difference so that I am not stuck scraping by and paying this whole thing. He can move into a furnished bedroom for cheaper and he wouldn't be saddled with this rent, but I almost don't feel that's fair since this place is more comfortable than a furnished room. The thing is I have a large dog and it was hard to find a place that would allow him.
I'm so mentally exhausted that it's hard for me to wrap my mind around the logistics of this.
Yes, he has said numerous times that if we do split up he will start drinking again.
He claims he never tried to moderate (all those years I begged him to slow down, drink lighter beers, drink less, etc.) and now he wants to try to drink normally.
I wish so much that we could work on ourselves separately so that I don't have to weather his emotional storms while he gets better (if he can). I feel so stuck with this $2400 a month rent. We are on a lease through August 2016. We can't break the lease here without being responsible for all the rent.
I guess I need to figure out if he can pay some of the difference so that I am not stuck scraping by and paying this whole thing. He can move into a furnished bedroom for cheaper and he wouldn't be saddled with this rent, but I almost don't feel that's fair since this place is more comfortable than a furnished room. The thing is I have a large dog and it was hard to find a place that would allow him.
I'm so mentally exhausted that it's hard for me to wrap my mind around the logistics of this.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Taco,
Welcome to SR. You definitely will get some great support from this forum. I can see that your head is spinning. I think you need to take some deep breaths and try and relax. Nothing needs to be accomplished today so you are ok, today.
I went to marriage counseling, I went to my therapist for months and months, spent lots of money. Nothing helped me more then the support of alanon meetings, open aa meetings and sober recovery. These people knew what I was going through. A light bulb went off when I walked in these doors.
They say in alanon not to make any rash decisions for at least 6 months, till you get a grasp of what is going on in your life. You need to make the right decisions and as exhausted as you are, you truly can't do that right now.
But what you can do is learn how to live with a "dry" drunk. If he is attending aa meetings then he should be learning about those practices, and eventually practicing them. It really doesn't sound like he is doing that. But your recovery is about you, not what he is doing. When you open your mind to learning to do something different, things change for you and him. In alanon you will learn how to set boundaries, how to not accept unacceptable behavior, it will give you strength to get your voice back. You will grow more then you could ever have imagined.
Hit the meeting and open your ears and heart. Keep reading SR and go to the new to recovery forum and the aa forum after reading the friends and family forum. Keep posting and reaching out, we are all here to support you and tell you that you are not crazy.
Hugs my friend, your life is about to change!!
Welcome to SR. You definitely will get some great support from this forum. I can see that your head is spinning. I think you need to take some deep breaths and try and relax. Nothing needs to be accomplished today so you are ok, today.
I went to marriage counseling, I went to my therapist for months and months, spent lots of money. Nothing helped me more then the support of alanon meetings, open aa meetings and sober recovery. These people knew what I was going through. A light bulb went off when I walked in these doors.
They say in alanon not to make any rash decisions for at least 6 months, till you get a grasp of what is going on in your life. You need to make the right decisions and as exhausted as you are, you truly can't do that right now.
But what you can do is learn how to live with a "dry" drunk. If he is attending aa meetings then he should be learning about those practices, and eventually practicing them. It really doesn't sound like he is doing that. But your recovery is about you, not what he is doing. When you open your mind to learning to do something different, things change for you and him. In alanon you will learn how to set boundaries, how to not accept unacceptable behavior, it will give you strength to get your voice back. You will grow more then you could ever have imagined.
Hit the meeting and open your ears and heart. Keep reading SR and go to the new to recovery forum and the aa forum after reading the friends and family forum. Keep posting and reaching out, we are all here to support you and tell you that you are not crazy.
Hugs my friend, your life is about to change!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
It's really hard to tell if someone is serious about recovery when they take steps because of an ultimatum. Many times they simply put in the minimal amount of effort to keep you there a little longer and find justifications through the recovery help they're getting to try to show they don't have the problem that they have.
For instance - he's never tried moderation and wants to try that. Are you telling me all those numerous stories of him being out of control and eventually acknowledging it didn't prompt him to moderate or cut back? I think he would have done so after the first incident, if he were able to do this. Alcoholics can't moderate.
It doesn't mean that he won't start taking it seriously, but just being in recovery right now doesn't mean he will. In the meantime, you need to take care of yourself, because your own recovery is not dependent on his.
As far as the lease goes, there could be options that you have that you can look into. First, if you legally separate during this time, he may have obligations to cover some of the lease. Don't worry about his comfort level - he's not worrying about yours. You also have to look ahead to see if he may be able to sabotage this - if he's that bad off into the alcoholism.
He may quit his job so he can't pay, or get a lower paying job so that he can't help out. I'm not saying he would do this, but it's good to be prepared for these types of things, because alcoholics usually do what they can to keep themselves comfortable. Again, you don't need to worry about his comfort because he's doing enough thinking on that end.
If that's not an option, another thing to consider would be to find a prospective renter to move in, and break your lease. You are obligated to pay the remaining portion of your lease - until the renter has another tenant. They can't legally keep charging you a monthly rent if someone else is living there. If you live in a high-priced, high profile location, it shouldn't be difficult to find another renter.
This won't look great on your rental history, but the peace of mind you'll have will be more than worth it.
You can also see if they allow sublets. That's a little riskier because you'll still be ultimately responsible for the monthly lease and/or damages incurred, but it's still an option. I understand the difficulty in finding a rental that takes dogs, but there are definitely more places out there.
Do what is best for you right now. If you can't live under the same roof in a healthy way, then don't. If he's pulling threats of drinking again if you leave him, then he'll probably start drinking again anyway. Don't listen to those threats. The end-game is that you know he has to beat this for the two of you to have a good life together. It's now up to him to realize that.
For instance - he's never tried moderation and wants to try that. Are you telling me all those numerous stories of him being out of control and eventually acknowledging it didn't prompt him to moderate or cut back? I think he would have done so after the first incident, if he were able to do this. Alcoholics can't moderate.
It doesn't mean that he won't start taking it seriously, but just being in recovery right now doesn't mean he will. In the meantime, you need to take care of yourself, because your own recovery is not dependent on his.
As far as the lease goes, there could be options that you have that you can look into. First, if you legally separate during this time, he may have obligations to cover some of the lease. Don't worry about his comfort level - he's not worrying about yours. You also have to look ahead to see if he may be able to sabotage this - if he's that bad off into the alcoholism.
He may quit his job so he can't pay, or get a lower paying job so that he can't help out. I'm not saying he would do this, but it's good to be prepared for these types of things, because alcoholics usually do what they can to keep themselves comfortable. Again, you don't need to worry about his comfort because he's doing enough thinking on that end.
If that's not an option, another thing to consider would be to find a prospective renter to move in, and break your lease. You are obligated to pay the remaining portion of your lease - until the renter has another tenant. They can't legally keep charging you a monthly rent if someone else is living there. If you live in a high-priced, high profile location, it shouldn't be difficult to find another renter.
This won't look great on your rental history, but the peace of mind you'll have will be more than worth it.
You can also see if they allow sublets. That's a little riskier because you'll still be ultimately responsible for the monthly lease and/or damages incurred, but it's still an option. I understand the difficulty in finding a rental that takes dogs, but there are definitely more places out there.
Do what is best for you right now. If you can't live under the same roof in a healthy way, then don't. If he's pulling threats of drinking again if you leave him, then he'll probably start drinking again anyway. Don't listen to those threats. The end-game is that you know he has to beat this for the two of you to have a good life together. It's now up to him to realize that.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 273
"Do what is best for you right now. If you can't live under the same roof in a healthy way, then don't. If he's pulling threats of drinking again if you leave him, then he'll probably start drinking again anyway. Don't listen to those threats. The end-game is that you know he has to beat this for the two of you to have a good life together. It's now up to him to realize that."
Completely agree. Regardless of what he decides to do however acknowledging your co-dependent traits and dealing with them is very important. I've now been sober (had to count on my fingers) 20 months and I can honestly say that hubbie diving into Al-Anon was the best thing that ever happened to our marriage.
Completely agree. Regardless of what he decides to do however acknowledging your co-dependent traits and dealing with them is very important. I've now been sober (had to count on my fingers) 20 months and I can honestly say that hubbie diving into Al-Anon was the best thing that ever happened to our marriage.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 7
He is threatening to you physically (throwing things at you, bullying you in such a way that the cops had to be called), he is threatening you by intimidation (you are afraid you will set him off so you avoid going out with friends together) and by all manner of emotional abuse. (You might google "emotional abuse" and see all the boxes you'll check as a "yes"). And you are feeling guilty that you are not feeling loving toward him. THAT is the hallmark of a victim of abuse. Feeling sorry for the one who is hurting you.
You married an abusive alcoholic, and while it will be good if you seek counseling to figure out why (there were signs and you ignored them and this could happen again even if you might hope not), the first order of business as I see it is to stop "supporting" him and put yourself in a safe place. You are at high risk of spending years in an abusive and chaotic relationship while waiting for your husband to become one of the small percentage of alcoholics who not only become sober but also become capable of the give and take of relationship and of owning their own sh**.
Al-Anon will be great for you as a way to focus totally on your own growth and your own non-negotiable rights to live a safe life and to take care of yourself. It is not about attending meetings in order to learn how to live with mistreatment. So, if you go to meetings, remember they are about you.
I also married an alcoholic "without knowing it," but a healthier woman would have known it from the start. I was wired to deny what I was seeing.
He made promises, said my leaving would kill him, called me all the angel words when I didn't hold to any consistent boundaries and resented the hell out of me when I did.
I finally did leave, and he found someone new very quickly and unfortunately also fathered another child, another soul who would be damaged by life with an abuser.
Stay in reality, don't fantasize about how he might stop drinking anytime soon, and get all the help you need. Good luck.
You married an abusive alcoholic, and while it will be good if you seek counseling to figure out why (there were signs and you ignored them and this could happen again even if you might hope not), the first order of business as I see it is to stop "supporting" him and put yourself in a safe place. You are at high risk of spending years in an abusive and chaotic relationship while waiting for your husband to become one of the small percentage of alcoholics who not only become sober but also become capable of the give and take of relationship and of owning their own sh**.
Al-Anon will be great for you as a way to focus totally on your own growth and your own non-negotiable rights to live a safe life and to take care of yourself. It is not about attending meetings in order to learn how to live with mistreatment. So, if you go to meetings, remember they are about you.
I also married an alcoholic "without knowing it," but a healthier woman would have known it from the start. I was wired to deny what I was seeing.
He made promises, said my leaving would kill him, called me all the angel words when I didn't hold to any consistent boundaries and resented the hell out of me when I did.
I finally did leave, and he found someone new very quickly and unfortunately also fathered another child, another soul who would be damaged by life with an abuser.
Stay in reality, don't fantasize about how he might stop drinking anytime soon, and get all the help you need. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Yes, he has said numerous times that if we do split up he will start drinking again
What this really means is he has no intention of quitting out of your marriage, or in it. You'll learn how to decipher what an alcoholic is really saying if you stick around.
Your husband sounds to me that he has more going on than just alcoholism.
I recommend you get to Al Anon ASAP. This will help you if you stay married, or if you split. Its a win win.
There is no price on sanity. If the only thing that is keeping you there is the lease you signed you are most likely already checked out of the marriage.
What this really means is he has no intention of quitting out of your marriage, or in it. You'll learn how to decipher what an alcoholic is really saying if you stick around.
Your husband sounds to me that he has more going on than just alcoholism.
I recommend you get to Al Anon ASAP. This will help you if you stay married, or if you split. Its a win win.
There is no price on sanity. If the only thing that is keeping you there is the lease you signed you are most likely already checked out of the marriage.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 54
Thanks for all this feedback - it's so helpful.
I had tried to go to my mom for support when these issues were happening but she said she "didn't need to know about that" so I (very hurt) quit talking to her with much frequency. I felt abandoned by her and just kind of drew that boundary. Yesterday I finally told her what was going on and she was surprisingly supportive. Then today she did a total 180 and said I should be working harder on the marriage etc. Said it was probably an issue with me because I'm "angry" (I'm not - I'm actually an underreactor because I come from a chaotic family with lots of yelling and emotional abuse. I just kind of take note of stuff and move on).
How do you deal with people thinking it's your fault? I am so upset right now.
I felt so much better not talking to her much and my therapist says it's better to limit my contact with her bc it's toxic, but then my mom says I'm cutting off my family and guilt trips me.
I had tried to go to my mom for support when these issues were happening but she said she "didn't need to know about that" so I (very hurt) quit talking to her with much frequency. I felt abandoned by her and just kind of drew that boundary. Yesterday I finally told her what was going on and she was surprisingly supportive. Then today she did a total 180 and said I should be working harder on the marriage etc. Said it was probably an issue with me because I'm "angry" (I'm not - I'm actually an underreactor because I come from a chaotic family with lots of yelling and emotional abuse. I just kind of take note of stuff and move on).
How do you deal with people thinking it's your fault? I am so upset right now.
I felt so much better not talking to her much and my therapist says it's better to limit my contact with her bc it's toxic, but then my mom says I'm cutting off my family and guilt trips me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
your family IS toxic.....while sad, it's best acknowledged and accepted and then responded to accordingly......little to NO contact. you can NEVER please them because they continue to change the landscape and the targets......sadly they do not have YOUR best interests at heart......
you're in a bit of a pickle......but there ARE solutions. and you are on the right path to finding them.
you're in a bit of a pickle......but there ARE solutions. and you are on the right path to finding them.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
yeah guilt....sigh. factory installed.
i once had a chevy cavalier station wagon, 4 banger, real "mean" machine (ha) - the check engine light came on and stayed on and since at the time i didn't have the $$ to go to the dealer and suss it out, i put a POST IT note over it!
i once had a chevy cavalier station wagon, 4 banger, real "mean" machine (ha) - the check engine light came on and stayed on and since at the time i didn't have the $$ to go to the dealer and suss it out, i put a POST IT note over it!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I don't know if you've tried this (or whether it would work), but rather than cut off all contact with your mom, could you maybe simply avoid this subject with her? There are certain things I simply don't discuss with my family. They aren't toxic, just not terribly helpful. They don't like hearing about unpleasantness. So I don't go to them for emotional support. My conversations with them tend toward "happy talk"--about my job, my kids, the news, etc.
For emotional support, I post here, talk to my AA friends, or someone else. Sure, it would be nice to have one of those incredibly emotionally supportive families, but in my experience there aren't that many out there.
If your mom asks questions that you feel won't be helpful to discuss, you could just say something like, "I'd rather not talk about it right now. Don't worry, I'm dealing with it. I know you care, but I'd rather not discuss it at this moment." And then switch to a less emotionally-laden subject.
Sometimes it takes a while for people to get that you REALLY don't want to talk about it, but usually if you stick with it, they eventually leave it alone.
For emotional support, I post here, talk to my AA friends, or someone else. Sure, it would be nice to have one of those incredibly emotionally supportive families, but in my experience there aren't that many out there.
If your mom asks questions that you feel won't be helpful to discuss, you could just say something like, "I'd rather not talk about it right now. Don't worry, I'm dealing with it. I know you care, but I'd rather not discuss it at this moment." And then switch to a less emotionally-laden subject.
Sometimes it takes a while for people to get that you REALLY don't want to talk about it, but usually if you stick with it, they eventually leave it alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 54
An update...
I did go to Alanon...cried the entire meeting. I don't know how much it helped other than to hear other people talk about things that resonated with me like having rageaholic parents. I will keep going.
My husband and I had agreed to live together separated and have a separation agreement written up, but he doesn't adhere to it. Today he told me he just can't live here with me when I'm not acting loving toward him because it kills him and he said he gets set off by seeing me living as a roommate and not his wife and then starts fights with me and it just makes things worse. He's agreed to pay me some of the rent here (not much, but a little will help).
I'm confused because I do think that if I was nicer, snuggled with him, acted warmer, he wouldn't be so verbally and emotionally abusive, and I almost wonder if I act cold on purpose just to cause these effects so that I will feel justified in leaving, OR if I just don't feel warmly anymore. I really don't know.
I'm working so hard on my codependency recovery. He hates it, my family hates it, my in-laws hate it. I'm getting so much pushback like it says I will in Beattie's book. It simultaneously sucks and feels good...I don't mind a little pain as long as I know it's going to bring about a positive result, but I do sometimes wonder if I'm doing the right thing because I hear so much from them saying I'm not. People aren't used to me drawing any boundaries and in the past it's been so easy to emotionally manipulate me.
I did go to Alanon...cried the entire meeting. I don't know how much it helped other than to hear other people talk about things that resonated with me like having rageaholic parents. I will keep going.
My husband and I had agreed to live together separated and have a separation agreement written up, but he doesn't adhere to it. Today he told me he just can't live here with me when I'm not acting loving toward him because it kills him and he said he gets set off by seeing me living as a roommate and not his wife and then starts fights with me and it just makes things worse. He's agreed to pay me some of the rent here (not much, but a little will help).
I'm confused because I do think that if I was nicer, snuggled with him, acted warmer, he wouldn't be so verbally and emotionally abusive, and I almost wonder if I act cold on purpose just to cause these effects so that I will feel justified in leaving, OR if I just don't feel warmly anymore. I really don't know.
I'm working so hard on my codependency recovery. He hates it, my family hates it, my in-laws hate it. I'm getting so much pushback like it says I will in Beattie's book. It simultaneously sucks and feels good...I don't mind a little pain as long as I know it's going to bring about a positive result, but I do sometimes wonder if I'm doing the right thing because I hear so much from them saying I'm not. People aren't used to me drawing any boundaries and in the past it's been so easy to emotionally manipulate me.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
