Newly wed, husband newly sober, marriage in crisis
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Thanks for the update, TTH. I'm sorry you had to go thru all this, but you are so smart to get out now and save yourself years of financial damage as well as emotional pain and constant worry. Short-term pain for long-term gain, right? And the way ahead for you is now clear and open.
I wish you all the best!
I wish you all the best!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 54
It's so calm, homey, and nice in my apartment now.
The only issue I deal with is sorting out my feelings. My husband wants to see me and asks at least once a week, even though I told him I am not ready. (He does at least say, now, "I understand if you're not ready, but I wanted to ask). He seems calmer. I don't know what's going on with his recovery because I don't ask (not my biz). But a part of me feels guilty or like I'm freezing him out and being a b@#$% or something now that he's being nice. He came by yesterday and left a basket full of stuff for me for Valentine's day, a bunch of my favorite things (I didn't see him - he left it outside).
I'm not thinking about getting back together with him - I am committed to this path of recovery for me and I know I have to be alone for that to happen. I just struggle so much. I think a lot was triggered by having been asked last week, "So, you didn't know he was an alcoholic when you married him?" I don't have a good response for that. Yes, I did know, and I did it anyway. I feel like the implication under that question is something like, "Then what gives you the right to complain about his alcoholism" or "why would you do something so stupid."
I keep trying to focus on the big picture. When I get further down the road maybe this won't feel so terrible.
The only issue I deal with is sorting out my feelings. My husband wants to see me and asks at least once a week, even though I told him I am not ready. (He does at least say, now, "I understand if you're not ready, but I wanted to ask). He seems calmer. I don't know what's going on with his recovery because I don't ask (not my biz). But a part of me feels guilty or like I'm freezing him out and being a b@#$% or something now that he's being nice. He came by yesterday and left a basket full of stuff for me for Valentine's day, a bunch of my favorite things (I didn't see him - he left it outside).
I'm not thinking about getting back together with him - I am committed to this path of recovery for me and I know I have to be alone for that to happen. I just struggle so much. I think a lot was triggered by having been asked last week, "So, you didn't know he was an alcoholic when you married him?" I don't have a good response for that. Yes, I did know, and I did it anyway. I feel like the implication under that question is something like, "Then what gives you the right to complain about his alcoholism" or "why would you do something so stupid."
I keep trying to focus on the big picture. When I get further down the road maybe this won't feel so terrible.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Glad you're happy in your new place.
Here's the thing--though you may have known he was an alcoholic, you had hopes that things would get better--they didn't. You also had a lot of family pressure to go through with a wedding against your better judgment. You felt like you needed to "give him a chance" and you did--and he wasn't ready to do what needed to be done.
As for the gift basket, this is part of his pattern, right? Be all tearful and sorry and regretful and full of promises? Not that he necessarily didn't mean any of those things, but ultimately being sorry and regretful and full of promises doesn't make up for the alcoholic behavior.
You're not stupid by any means. You enforced your boundaries and when it became clear that recovery was not on the horizon, you let him go. The people who ask those kinds of questions don't understand alcoholism, and they don't understand what it's like to love someone with the disease. It's not necessarily your job to explain it to them. You can save the soul-searching for here or for Al-Anon where people DO get it.
I don't know whether the person you were talking to already knew why your marriage ended, but you really don't owe anyone an explanation. Unless I know someone quite well, I usually just say, "It turned out to be a very big mistake." That's it. If pressed, you can say, "I don't really care to discuss it." It's nobody else's business.
I'm thinking maybe a firm no-contact with your ex for a year or so might be a good idea.
Here's the thing--though you may have known he was an alcoholic, you had hopes that things would get better--they didn't. You also had a lot of family pressure to go through with a wedding against your better judgment. You felt like you needed to "give him a chance" and you did--and he wasn't ready to do what needed to be done.
As for the gift basket, this is part of his pattern, right? Be all tearful and sorry and regretful and full of promises? Not that he necessarily didn't mean any of those things, but ultimately being sorry and regretful and full of promises doesn't make up for the alcoholic behavior.
You're not stupid by any means. You enforced your boundaries and when it became clear that recovery was not on the horizon, you let him go. The people who ask those kinds of questions don't understand alcoholism, and they don't understand what it's like to love someone with the disease. It's not necessarily your job to explain it to them. You can save the soul-searching for here or for Al-Anon where people DO get it.
I don't know whether the person you were talking to already knew why your marriage ended, but you really don't owe anyone an explanation. Unless I know someone quite well, I usually just say, "It turned out to be a very big mistake." That's it. If pressed, you can say, "I don't really care to discuss it." It's nobody else's business.
I'm thinking maybe a firm no-contact with your ex for a year or so might be a good idea.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
TTH, don't let it get to you if anyone says "well, you knew he was an A when you married him, right?" My XAH told me right out, in the first few dates, that he was a recovering A. While this should have raised a bunch of red flags, it didn't, for several reasons:
1) I didn't understand the full extent of what it meant for him to be an A, and I didn't ask or seek out more info.
2) We both drank, in bars and at home, but in a social sense--maybe on the heavy side at times, but not in an alcoholic fashion, so far as I knew. (Looking back, I now think that he was hiding the full extent of his drinking, even in the beginning, but I didn't look further at the time.)
3) I really wanted him to be the knight in shining armor, come to save me, that he seemed to be.
4) He was recently divorced and I wanted to be his savior, too.
5) And yes, there was the "special snowflake" thing, too--he was unique, our relationship was unique, things that applied to others didn't apply to us.
I understand how you find yourself where you are. As Lexie says, folks here and in Alanon do understand how you got there and do not look down on you for it. I think it's a good idea to follow her suggestion and keep any discussion of it to "it turned out to be a mistake", unless you are talking to a dear, close friend or someone w/knowledge of and experience w/alcoholism.**
** Altho you never know--my neighbor, who is retired, noticed all the goings-on of XAH moving out and that his truck was no longer parked in the drive. She asked me if I was OK, I told her that we had split up b/c of a drinking problem that had arisen, and she said, "oh, my mom divorced my dad when I was about 10 for the same reason. Please let us know if you need anything now that you're on your own." So that was a case where I was glad I did say a little more, since it turned out that the person I was talking to was from "our side of the fence", so to speak.
1) I didn't understand the full extent of what it meant for him to be an A, and I didn't ask or seek out more info.
2) We both drank, in bars and at home, but in a social sense--maybe on the heavy side at times, but not in an alcoholic fashion, so far as I knew. (Looking back, I now think that he was hiding the full extent of his drinking, even in the beginning, but I didn't look further at the time.)
3) I really wanted him to be the knight in shining armor, come to save me, that he seemed to be.
4) He was recently divorced and I wanted to be his savior, too.
5) And yes, there was the "special snowflake" thing, too--he was unique, our relationship was unique, things that applied to others didn't apply to us.
I understand how you find yourself where you are. As Lexie says, folks here and in Alanon do understand how you got there and do not look down on you for it. I think it's a good idea to follow her suggestion and keep any discussion of it to "it turned out to be a mistake", unless you are talking to a dear, close friend or someone w/knowledge of and experience w/alcoholism.**
** Altho you never know--my neighbor, who is retired, noticed all the goings-on of XAH moving out and that his truck was no longer parked in the drive. She asked me if I was OK, I told her that we had split up b/c of a drinking problem that had arisen, and she said, "oh, my mom divorced my dad when I was about 10 for the same reason. Please let us know if you need anything now that you're on your own." So that was a case where I was glad I did say a little more, since it turned out that the person I was talking to was from "our side of the fence", so to speak.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
"So, you didn't know he was an alcoholic when you married him?"
This is the kind of question someone with no personal understanding of addiction asks. This is a good time to practice embracing the idea that what other people think about you is none of your business. You don't need judgey people in your life, especially now as you sort through this.
This is the kind of question someone with no personal understanding of addiction asks. This is a good time to practice embracing the idea that what other people think about you is none of your business. You don't need judgey people in your life, especially now as you sort through this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 54
It was a couple of my girlfriends from work. My one coworker is just constantly bringing up that I'm married and it makes me cringe and I have felt disingenuous not disclosing to her the separation. The three of us were hired at the same time and are close (the only 3 millennials in the office, do lunch and coffee several times a week, & happy hours, and one has been to my house for a Xmas party). I think you're right it's best not to go there with people. I think I am lonely right now having moved to this new city fairly recently and I wanted to be close to these girls. But people in general aren't going to understand.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Indiana
Posts: 503
Originally Posted by TacoTruckHeaven 
How do you deal with people thinking it's your fault? I am so upset right now.
I felt so much better not talking to her much and my therapist says it's better to limit my contact with her bc it's toxic, but then my mom says I'm cutting off my family and guilt trips me.
TTH: ANYONE who has had an alcoholic or substance abuser in the family will NEVER think it's your fault. As a parent of an alcoholic, when my friends saw me struggling, the ones who's lives weren't picture perfect were very supportive. I just figure the others will get their chance somewhere down the road!
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
If there is one single thing I wish "normies" could understand, it's how loving an addict (and the abuse that often comes with it) just utterly and completely messes you up. People with no context for this usually cannot understand how crazy it makes us, and how we make a series of bad decisions as a result, and that we need our own recovery to start making right decisions.
I had a long talk with my brother a couple of weeks ago. We were just catching up on things in general, but talk did turn to our dad. I voiced how I'm hurt that he seems to have largely stopped communicating with me because I have not been able to repay money that he loaned me last summer. My brother tried to explain that our dad had struggled for quite some time because he hated my STBXAH so much. And that's fine--they did NOT get along, and there were some ugly almost-confrontations. But wouldn't you think that he would be relieved and proud of me for finally getting out? Anyway, the whole situation has made me miss my mom a lot. She was not in favor of me marrying STBXAH when I did (less than a year after we got back in touch), but she always welcomed him and was heartbroken when I finally told her he had started drinking again (a good two years into the heavy duty relapse). She would have known how to acknowledge that my departure was a sign of tremendous emotional growth and strength.
It's just so hard when people who are supposed to be your support system are not capable of serving that role, for one reason or another. You are at such a vulnerable place right now--I say surround yourself with supportive, loving cheerleaders, and limit contact with the naysayers as much as you can until you've had some time to calm all of the raging emotions and get used to the fact that your life has settled down. When I moved out back in September, I slept at least 12 hours a night for the first week. Give yourself time to decompress and rise up out of that state of heightened emotional vigilance that comes with living with an addict.
I had a long talk with my brother a couple of weeks ago. We were just catching up on things in general, but talk did turn to our dad. I voiced how I'm hurt that he seems to have largely stopped communicating with me because I have not been able to repay money that he loaned me last summer. My brother tried to explain that our dad had struggled for quite some time because he hated my STBXAH so much. And that's fine--they did NOT get along, and there were some ugly almost-confrontations. But wouldn't you think that he would be relieved and proud of me for finally getting out? Anyway, the whole situation has made me miss my mom a lot. She was not in favor of me marrying STBXAH when I did (less than a year after we got back in touch), but she always welcomed him and was heartbroken when I finally told her he had started drinking again (a good two years into the heavy duty relapse). She would have known how to acknowledge that my departure was a sign of tremendous emotional growth and strength.
It's just so hard when people who are supposed to be your support system are not capable of serving that role, for one reason or another. You are at such a vulnerable place right now--I say surround yourself with supportive, loving cheerleaders, and limit contact with the naysayers as much as you can until you've had some time to calm all of the raging emotions and get used to the fact that your life has settled down. When I moved out back in September, I slept at least 12 hours a night for the first week. Give yourself time to decompress and rise up out of that state of heightened emotional vigilance that comes with living with an addict.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Sending you support TTH!
I agree with Wisconsin. I also moved out in early September and it took a good week of me sleeping, watching tv, eating crap food, and living in my pjs from 5 pm on to get myself feeling semi normal again. Even then, there were good days and bad.
Then I made the mistake in December of getting sucka'd by an "I quit drinking" ex. He did, and he wanted to, and that lasted a month before he started talking himself into drinking again. Just a word of warning there. They often just keep on trying to get their "normal" back...and we love them...and it is hard to resist.
Since blocking him, life is getting so much more ME. That one tiny little action on my phone took quite a weight off my mind.
Enjoy your newly peaceful place! Good times ahead!
I agree with Wisconsin. I also moved out in early September and it took a good week of me sleeping, watching tv, eating crap food, and living in my pjs from 5 pm on to get myself feeling semi normal again. Even then, there were good days and bad.
Then I made the mistake in December of getting sucka'd by an "I quit drinking" ex. He did, and he wanted to, and that lasted a month before he started talking himself into drinking again. Just a word of warning there. They often just keep on trying to get their "normal" back...and we love them...and it is hard to resist.
Since blocking him, life is getting so much more ME. That one tiny little action on my phone took quite a weight off my mind.
Enjoy your newly peaceful place! Good times ahead!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
TacoTruck......one line that I find helpful (I read it here, on SR). "if you will forgive me for asking that question, I will forgive you for asking it".
Over the years, I found it very protective to not share intimate details of my life with co-workers....because, it will, almost always, come back to bite you. This is really just about boundaries.....Intimate details are for only the most intimate, trusted people in your life....
One more point----often times, people will just ask what seems to be the most logical question to ask....they may not always be judging or assigning guilt....Sometimes, we may be guilty of projecting our own feelings onto them.......
don't worry too much about what other people....especially, those who are not in your most inner circle, think of you....
It is such a waste of energy.....
What you think about yourself is, really, what will make the most difference in your life...
I have had to learn all this stuff the hard way!!!.....lol......
dandylion
Over the years, I found it very protective to not share intimate details of my life with co-workers....because, it will, almost always, come back to bite you. This is really just about boundaries.....Intimate details are for only the most intimate, trusted people in your life....
One more point----often times, people will just ask what seems to be the most logical question to ask....they may not always be judging or assigning guilt....Sometimes, we may be guilty of projecting our own feelings onto them.......
don't worry too much about what other people....especially, those who are not in your most inner circle, think of you....
It is such a waste of energy.....
What you think about yourself is, really, what will make the most difference in your life...
I have had to learn all this stuff the hard way!!!.....lol......
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 54
Feeling really tender and crappy today. It's my 1 year wedding anniversary.
I haven't been able to cut all contact with my husband because he's paying my water, electric, and internet (they were all in his name). We are cordial over texts. He started Lexapro, too, and I wanted to make sure he was ok. I went on an antidepressant when I had just moved to NYC alone in my 20s and it's kind of a sad memory for me that I didn't have anyone as I went through that.
He definitely seems calmer and seems to be doing well.
I stayed home from work sick today so he brought me some soup and liquids. He didn't stay long at all, just brought me the stuff and we hugged and now he's left. This is not where I wanted to be in my life on my 1 year wedding anniversary.
I don't even know how I feel right now other than just alone and sad.
I haven't been able to cut all contact with my husband because he's paying my water, electric, and internet (they were all in his name). We are cordial over texts. He started Lexapro, too, and I wanted to make sure he was ok. I went on an antidepressant when I had just moved to NYC alone in my 20s and it's kind of a sad memory for me that I didn't have anyone as I went through that.
He definitely seems calmer and seems to be doing well.
I stayed home from work sick today so he brought me some soup and liquids. He didn't stay long at all, just brought me the stuff and we hugged and now he's left. This is not where I wanted to be in my life on my 1 year wedding anniversary.
I don't even know how I feel right now other than just alone and sad.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hugs and warm wishes, TTH. I can relate to your feeling of "this isn't where I wanted to be/thought I'd be at this point." It sucks.
You made a tough decision and are going thru tough times. But like Lexie said, you're headed for better days. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you'll get there.
You made a tough decision and are going thru tough times. But like Lexie said, you're headed for better days. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you'll get there.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Taco,
I did all the things you are trying to do, and it made my life and his hell.
When you are ready, let him go. Get a roommate, scrape by, sublease, break the lease, whatever, but take your power back.
And quit asking for others approval. They don't know.
I did all the things you are trying to do, and it made my life and his hell.
When you are ready, let him go. Get a roommate, scrape by, sublease, break the lease, whatever, but take your power back.
And quit asking for others approval. They don't know.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 54
Having a rough day today. We don't have much contact, but I was holding out hope that he would get himself straightened out and we could work on things potentially in the future. Was just chatting with him for the first time in a while and he says he has "a beer every now and then in social situations. I haven't had more than two." and "the drinking stemmed from my social anxiety. which I no longer have." (He's on meds and he's been in therapy and has a big group of friends here now). Then "Yeah, I figured you would not be happy with that but I really can moderate now that I can clearly see it was a problem hell bent on ruining my life. I hate that it took ruining our marriage and hurting you to figure that out."
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
This is a load of QUACKING.
TTH, why don't you start some new threads? Talk about what's going on in your new life. This is the PAST, and as long as he's drinking--at all--this is not a viable relationship. The more contact you have with him, the longer you will stay stuck.
Hugs,
TTH, why don't you start some new threads? Talk about what's going on in your new life. This is the PAST, and as long as he's drinking--at all--this is not a viable relationship. The more contact you have with him, the longer you will stay stuck.
Hugs,
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
TacoTruck.......he is like a blind man wandering, lost in the forest---he is in so much denial!
Even to utter the words about having a beer or two in social situations means that he is not in recovery. An alcoholic cannot moderate and cannot have the first drink..... Some can white knuckle it for periods of time....but, for an alcoholic....the disease will eventually take over....
Now, he, obviously doesn't accept the premise that he can't have any alcohol...,,because he isn't ready for real sobriety.....
The important thing is for YOU to recognize it!
You know that he is not sober.....(real sobriety means changes from the inside..not just a zero alcohol blood level).....
Be grateful that you have this new level of information about him---it can save you from a lot of pain.....
I know that you are sad...you haven't finished grieving.......
Just keep on moving on down the road.....
You will get there....
dandylion
Even to utter the words about having a beer or two in social situations means that he is not in recovery. An alcoholic cannot moderate and cannot have the first drink..... Some can white knuckle it for periods of time....but, for an alcoholic....the disease will eventually take over....
Now, he, obviously doesn't accept the premise that he can't have any alcohol...,,because he isn't ready for real sobriety.....
The important thing is for YOU to recognize it!
You know that he is not sober.....(real sobriety means changes from the inside..not just a zero alcohol blood level).....
Be grateful that you have this new level of information about him---it can save you from a lot of pain.....
I know that you are sad...you haven't finished grieving.......
Just keep on moving on down the road.....
You will get there....
dandylion
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Originally Posted by TacoTruckHeaven
Having a rough day today. We don't have much contact, but I was holding out hope that he would get himself straightened out and we could work on things potentially in the future. Was just chatting with him for the first time in a while and he says he has "a beer every now and then in social situations. I haven't had more than two." and "the drinking stemmed from my social anxiety. which I no longer have." (He's on meds and he's been in therapy and has a big group of friends here now). Then "Yeah, I figured you would not be happy with that but I really can moderate now that I can clearly see it was a problem hell bent on ruining my life. I hate that it took ruining our marriage and hurting you to figure that out."
An alcoholic cannot moderate. The reason there is no straightening it out is because he is not straightened out. Please don't buy his bullsh!t. He is not just drinking one or two. He is the exact same guy he was when you left him.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I can clearly see it was a problem hell bent on ruining my life.
so instead of completely REMOVING the problem, he thinks he has found a way to KEEP DRINKING. that is really the take away here.....he is PROUD of his new found MODERATION. yay, i can still drink!
rationalization
justification
minimization
classic alcoholic thinking.
so instead of completely REMOVING the problem, he thinks he has found a way to KEEP DRINKING. that is really the take away here.....he is PROUD of his new found MODERATION. yay, i can still drink!
rationalization
justification
minimization
classic alcoholic thinking.
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