ihatealcohol80

Are alcoholics nasty during withdrawal? She also told me on the phone that I should bring her a carton of cigarettes or don't bother to come. Some of the advice I'm getting here is quite harsh but perhaps I need it,? This is all new to me. Do men goto Alanon? Friday is family group night at rehab. I hope to learn more about alcoholism.

AnvilheadII

yes men do go to alanon, altho to be honest, the women tend to outnumber the men. but there are men's only meetings in some locations. this link should be a good place to start looking for meetings in your area. there are also online meetings which can be a great way to break the ice.

so now it's bring me smokes or don't bother?

nice.

do NOT bring drugs to her, prescribed or not.
do NOT sneak her coffee.
do NOT bring her smokes.

the early days of drying out can be really rough....and people aren't usually at their shiny BEST when they walk IN to rehab. but she doesn't need to be such a spoiled brat about it, and YOU certainly do not have to take any guff off of her. EVER.

LexieCat

Yes, lots of men go to Al-Anon. Probably a few more women, but I knew lots of guys when I used to go.

Nobody wants to be harsh with you, but it's important to see the reality of what you are dealing with. Only if your eyes are open and you're willing to SEE--even when what you see is painful--can you effectively deal with it.

I'd also suggest maybe hitting a couple of open AA meetings, and/or reading AA's "Big Book" (there's an online version here) or Under the Influence, both of which are VERY enlightening.

And yes, there is very little nastier than an alcoholic in withdrawal. It's physically and emotionally unpleasant in the extreme.

CodeJob

Family group night sounds enlightening. I would definitely consider going there or an Al Anon meeting.

Find out who her counselor is too as you may be able to communicate with them on her discharge planning and attitude IF your fiance has signed off on you on her HIPAA release.

BlueChair

Yes. And at some point she will probably also tell you to leave her, and you deserve better, and shes no good for you or anyone else. It gets emotional, and it why its important to understand how substances work in the brain and how they alter feelings, emotions. So of course detoxing and early recovery can be very stressful for family. Its important not to focus on it too much, because emotions will change, just let it all flow through as part of the process.

Sara21

Hello ihatealcohol80,

I'm sorry for everything you're going through, but I'm glad you found SR. You mentioned that some of the advice here is pretty harsh........I have found that the people on this board have told me what I NEEDED to hear, not what I wanted to hear. Some of them are in recovery after their own battles with addiction. Listen to what they are saying, if anyone knows what they're talking about, it's them.

I remember being told that their addiction (whether drugs or alcohol related) was what they valued most in the world and anyone who got in the way of them actively using was "the bad guy" and treated as such with insults, lies, contempt, etc. After a while, you get so worn out that it becomes easier to give in to their demands, which is what they wanted all along.

The questions I would ask is this: Does she want to sober up and if so, is she willing to do the work? Or is this episode merely an inconvenience to her that is disrupting her drinking?

I think it's great that you are thinking about attending meetings for help and support. Addiction is known as a family disease, because even though we are not the ones consuming the substance, we are affected in so many ways that sometimes we end up as sick (or sicker) as the addict themselves. Best of luck to both of you and I hope you keep coming back to SR for support.

Refiner

Well, God help both of them if she has to take Xanax/"nerve" pills AND unauthorized Rx medications. Need to be real, here.

Refiner

I'd like to add that it not only is going to be rough and her nasty and mean now, but it could last for a year or two at least as she works thru her addictive demons. It's very usual for those who have chosen to educate themselves on addiction that they separate from their partner during this tough journey and love them from afar while they fight their battle to sobriety for THEMSELVES (not for their partner or for the legal system). Then 1-2 years later after proving sobriety through ACTIONS (not words) you re-evaluate your relationship and if/how to proceed. Do you think you could be up for that as your near future?

BlueChair

Brings back memories, another bad one is jealousy. My husband became jealous of someone I work with, and have 0% interest in and the rational husband knew this, but not when in rehab he was really upset about what he created in his mind.

Theres a lot of unexpected stuff ((IhateAlcohol)) probably it would take a new thread for people to share all their experiences . Ha!

ihatealcohol80

Refiner, I could never do that. We are still in love and I am already missing her. I believe we are soul mates. Except for the drinking, we never argue.

Refiner

Ok I understand since you are so new to all of this. But PLEASE save this thread and revisit in 1, 2, 5, or 10 years and let SR know how it went for you. Hopefully the good folks here will get a unique report of success in a relationship with an addicted partner as this. It affects E V E R Y T H I N G.

Thomas45

You have two choices.

You can follow the time-tested and true advice that the people on this forum are giving you.

Or you can turn your back on our advice and try to go it your own way, and see where that leads you.

That being said, you are new to these problems, but everyone posting here is speaking from real experience in dealing with addictions and addiction recovery. You're standing on a metaphorical set of train tracks, and we can very clearly see the freight train that's bearing down on you. You can't see the train because you're looking in the wrong direction. The advice these people are giving you is your warning to turn around and see the train coming so that you can step out of the way. One way or another, that train will get to where you are, and either you'll move out of its way or it will mow you down - and the outcome is up to you.

Needabreak

You have chosen a very difficult life, Ihatealcohol. Best of luck to you.

Praying

This is the phrases my of us stuck to--fiercely. Because it's so very true. Except for that one thing, life is great! And everyone has faults. But as time passes, the drinking takes a bigger and bigger role, until one day 5, 10 or 20 years later, with kids and mortgages and tangled finances...we wake up and wonder what happened and look in the mirror and don't know what's become of us.

Someone with a drinking problem WILL progress, unless they abstain. And abstaining is a much harder road then it first seems.

Hugs to you...

AnvilheadII

except for the drinking.

yeah but that is a HUGE elephant in the middle of your relationship. the "drinking" is no small thing. she has put her job at risk, her health, the lives of ALL THE CHILDREN on the bus that SHE drove drunk AND High. you seem to be willing to overlook that........

soulmate. really? you think your chosen SOUL mate is a person who drinks to excess, is too pretty for prison, shudders at the sight of tattoos, and demands YOU bring her a carton of smoke or DON'T BOTHER?

yup sounds like LOVE to me. NOT.

ihatealcohol80

Anvil, I find your last comment extremely rude and uncalled for. I don't like seeing your words in Caps either. It's like your yelling. I love my girlfriend and don't care what she did. Instead of being lectured, I'd rather hear people's experiences.

Needabreak

Seems to me, ihatealcohol80, that many, many people here have shared their experiences with you. 5 pages worth, in fact. You either ignore these people, or insult them. Neither action will help you out of your situation.

ladyscribbler

You seem to be ignoring people's shared experiences. I think you are hoping to hear "success stories." But only a certain kind. Those were the ones I looked for when I first started lurking here. I wanted the happy endings, where the alcoholic got sober and everything worked out.
I had an alcoholic soul mate. It took such a toll on me that I'm still not fully recovered. He is still drinking, and now he is trying to get unsupervised visits with our son. I'm spending money that I had hoped to save for a down payment on a house on legal expenses fighting this because an alcoholic cannot be trusted to care for children, not even their own. I know he loves our son, but he is unable to care for him safely because of his alcoholism.
Loving my ex didn't fix anything. Helping him out of his messes didn't fix anything. He's not a bad person. I don't hate him, but he ultimately chose alcohol over our family (and pretty much everything else in life- work, education, everything). That's not a personal reflection on me, but a testament to the power of the disease.
Yes, it's possible that your fiance might start taking rehab seriously and enter into long term recovery, but rehab isn't a magic cure-all. Even if she is one of those who does succeed, you will still need a program of your own. Alcoholism is a lifelong disease and she will need to make her recovery a priority in order to live in long term sobriety. You can't want it for her.
The real life success stories I know of- both online and in person- involve each partner working their own program. I know several couples with one partner in AA, one in Alanon (which I attend, that's why I recommend it). Bluechair has shared here about CRAFT, which has been successful for her. I'm glad to see that you're still planning to attend the family program at the rehab. Hopefully you will hear something there that resonates with you, and find a program that will work for you, no matter what choices your fiance makes.

SeriousKarma

I think its great that you want to hear people's experiences. Here's a thread I wrote back in September, on my 23rd anniversary. It's pretty much my experience in a nutshell.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ary-sniff.html

The phrase "Except for the drinking" pops up a lot.

Sara21

Ihatealcohol80,

Please don't take offense to Anvil's posts.........she knows what goes thru an addict's mind and what it takes to recover......I have always found her posts to be truthful, incredibly blunt, yes, but always truthful and helpful.

I totally get that you love your fiancé and want to stand by her and support her through her recovery. Many of us have been there and some have spent a lifetime waiting for our significant other to recover. There are success stories (like Anvil), but there is also a lot of heartache along the way, even if they do recover. It's not enough for you to want it for her, at some point she has to want it for herself. You will not be able to be with her 24/7 for the rest of your lives, so the times that you are not there, what will she do? Hopefully, she will sober up in rehab and learn how to deal with life without abusing alcohol.

Addiction is a beast that has destroyed many lives and many of us were naïve and went in thinking "It'll be ok, we can fix this soon". It destroys families and kills people. If there is one thing you take away from this thread, I hope it is that you educate yourself on what you are up against. I also hope you remember that you are not alone. It can be lonely going through this and sometimes we tend to isolate ourselves from the outside world out of shame or fear. This is a safe place to post, even though you many not always like what you hear, please know that everyone in this community is coming from a place of concern, not just for your fiancée, but for YOU as well. Take care