FeelingGreat

Hi, as an ex A I can relate from my own experience that sobriety comes from deep inside. You have to have a picture of yourself that you despise so much that you really want to stop drinking. From what you've written your AF is blame shifting and rationalising, and although she might have a breakthrough during therapy, it sounds like she hasn't reached that point.

This is why you can't keep anyone on the wagon. It's not just a worn-out truism, it really does have to come from her. She might try because it's expected of her, or to please you but unless she truly wants sobriety for her own reasons she'll eventually relapse. Best wishes to you both.

LexieCat

"We" don't have a court date, SHE does.

And I think when one is driving drunk with a busload of kids, a "strict warning" is not on the table. I don't know of anyplace you would get a "strict warning" for a DWI even without endangering children as part of the scenario.

I think a huge fine and probation are the very BEST she can hope for.

And to echo the others, there is nothing you can do to "keep her on the wagon." You can try and try, and not only is it unlikely to work, there's a good chance it will backfire, big-time. Her recovery is her business. Your attempts to control that will be met with resentment, at least. And if you read AA's Big Book, there's a whole lot of talk about the dangers of resentment to sobriety.

Focus on your own recovery. That will serve you well no matter what she does.

CodeJob

Rehabs are not the answer I thought they were. I very much had the idea that 'inpatient' meant 'curative treatment.' It was what my intent was when I paid $7k - a cure once and for all for a mostly high functioning alcoholic that was in a really bad cycle.

He did AA 12 step work alone, with a group of addicts, and with a counselor. He went to a sweat lodge. He walked. He smoked. He ate well. He was allowed to go to church. There was a MD there who helped him come off the alcohol and regulate his sleep.

See anything spectacular? Nope. He could have done all of that at home for less than $200.

This is what changed my RaH - I had put a boundary down that if he wasn't quitting alcohol, the marriage was over. I kicked him out of the house and he had nowhere to go other than rehab in his addled mind. So he decided after a few days there to work towards sobriety.

Nor is he 100% normal two years sober. He still has issues with emotions and denial. He may never totally get in touch with his inner self and why he got so messed up. And the danger of that is he could easily, any day, decide to drink again...

But I learned a ton at his rehab by listening to everyone's story. It was a crash course in addiction and the cyclical nature most addicts seem to have. Nin fact, his roommate got high and passed out the entire time I was there. I learned how permeable rehab was and how the locals had alcohol delivered basically right to the back door! .

I restated my boundary at the family program that this was my last round. I went to Al Anon. I learned a ton here on SR. I went to counseling for me. I figured out how I wound up with an addict. I worked the 12 steps for me. I got a sponsor. It has been a big investment in me. It has paid off for me intensely. I really cannot impress upon you to work on you.

Good luck !

ihatealcohol80

Lex, my girlfriend is obviously very sick. I don't think she should be labeled a hardened criminal. The rehab is taking away her nerve pills which I feel she needs. I guess rehab is better than jail. She is extremly attractive and wouldn't make it in jail. She has a court date next week. It will be the discovery part. Her lawyer will get to see the police recording of her sobriety test. She fell over while attempting to walk. I pray the Lord will get her out of this mess.

Sungrl

I was not going to comment on this thread anymore because your obvious denial and down playing the events was getting to me.

Then you go and say your alcoholic addict GF is too pretty and wouldn't "make it" in jail.

My parting remark to you would be to please stop for a minute and
seek help for your own obvious issues and let her find her own way out of this.

And just be happy the Lord was watching out for those kids that day.

hopeful4

Um...really? Sorry here, but anyone who is driving a school bus under the influence of alcohol, nerve pills, and Xanax is most certainly a criminal. Get that through your mind.

As far as her being attractive, that's all good and fine. Does that mean she should not have to pay for her crime??

I truly hope that you do some research and see what this disease does to people, and I hope she does not take you down with her.

I am truly not trying to be harsh, but I think you have an idea that she should get a slap on the wrist, and that is just not so.

SparkleKitty

Yes, she is sick. That does not make her not-responsible for her actions. It does not give her a pass to put people in danger. Sick people are capable to seeking treatment.

Addiction does not have to be a terminal illness unless the person afflicted never recognizes (or refuses to recognize) that they have a problem. How do people recognize they have a problem? By experiencing consequences.

If she is given a break or a pass on this instance, then she could very well kill someone the next time she gets behind the wheel of a car or a bus too inebriated to drive responsibly.

You aren't going to get a lot of sympathy for your fiancee avoiding jail time because she is pretty. She wasn't too pretty to commit felony DWI.

LexieCat

She may not be "hardened" but she IS a criminal. That's what one who commits a crime IS. I don't necessarily think she needs jail time at this point, but the punishment is supposed to hurt. If you pay for her lawyer and her fine, she's not getting to experience those consequences for her behavior.

I don't know what kind of "nerve pills" she is taking. I do know that most medication of any kind will not work effectively while drinking. And some are inappropriate for addicts.

All I can say is if she is afraid of jail, she better jump into recovery with both feet, because even if she doesn't get sentenced to jail at this point, that's where she's headed if she doesn't take this with the seriousness it requires.

redatlanta

I'm hoping she gets off with a strict warning. Hmmmm. I wonder what the parent of any child on that bus thinks. I bet they don't feel the same way. At least you are both now collaborating on minimizing driving drunk with a load of kids to a punishment of "warning".

problem 1: The rehab is taking away her nerve pills which I feel she needs.
problem 2: rehab is better than jail
problem 3: She is extremly attractive and wouldn't make it in jail
problem 4: I pray the Lord will get her out of this mess

You are a big part of this problem with ^^^ that kind of thinking. Btw are only unattractive people supposed to be sentenced to jail? Like,there aren't many attractive ones so when there is the rare bird like her then what exactly happens?

I pray that you will get yourself to Al Anon! I pray that she will embrace sobriety and rehab and prepare herself for the punishment she has EARNED. You are very codependent and enabling. You can really help her if you will address it. Al Anon is a great place to do that.

ihatealcohol80

She called from rehab this morndg. She says the therapists don't understand her. She stated that some of the other ladies have tattoos. She begged me to sneak in some real coffee and her nerve pills when I visit. She says she doesn't relate to the others because they are heroin addicts. Don't know what Im going to do.

SparkleKitty

Sounds like she is precisely where she needs to be, but isn't ready to take this opportunity to get well.

There is a term floated around recovery circles called "terminal uniqueness". It is the (completely erroneous) belief that one is somehow different or special from all other addicts or codependents, and therefore one does not actually need help, no one understands them, and everything is someone else's fault. It's a symptom of not being ready for recovery.

I'm sorry if this is the case with your fiancee. She is playing upon you to rescue her. She is scared and rightly so, but in my opinion, she really, really is exactly where she needs to be.

least

Do nothing. Let her sit in there and maybe learn something about herself. She's no different than the ladies with tattoos or the heroin addicts. She's addicted to alcohol and it caused her to do something very stupid and risky - to drive a bus full of kids while drunk.

You are helping her avoid consequences and that won't do her any good. Stop enabling her and let her feel the pain she's supposed to feel. She won't learn anything as long as you continue to "help" her avoid facing her crime.

LexieCat

OMG--TATTOOS??? Holy crap, get her out of there now!!

I remember a lady who showed up at one of my AA meetings and confided that her husband didn't belong in AA--there were BIKERS at the meeting.

Alcohol doesn't care how pretty you are, how educated you are, how much money you have, or how well-dressed you are. Oh, and if you smuggle anything in to her, she will get kicked out (and trust me, they can find out).

She's not sentenced to rehab (yet)--if she wants to leave, she can. I suggest that you not play into her self-pity or "help" her by bringing in contraband or getting her out. Let her call a cab if she wants to leave.

FireSprite

I'm responding to your thread on the chance that you are a serious poster & not a troll..... IMO this thread has all the indicators of trollbait so I'm on the fence.

As a mother, you do NOT want to know what my opinion about her sentencing is, I can promise you that. She FELL OVER attempting to walk & you want to justify her driving a school bus full of children in that condition?

Quack, quack, quack! PLEASE do yourself a favor & do nothing until you learn more about addiction & codependency. Especially if you are seriously considering smuggling contraband into a rehab facility.

With everything IMPORTANT you all have to be worried about, it's her attractiveness & other's tattoos that are so concerning?? Really??

CodeJob

Most therapists in rehab were once addicts themselves. They understand her. The issue is probably her lies and manipulation are being called out or ignored.

There is a MD or two in this rehab that oversee ALL medications. IF she TRULY needs her 'nerve' meds, she will be given a new script there and it will be monitored.

All of her complaints, this is what I'd consider saying, "Oh baby. This is nothing compared to JAIL. You are in good hands. "

Refiner

Hooked on alcohol and painkillers. Shows no remorse. Enabling partner that's going to "move forward with her". Hopefully will just get a strict warning. Too pretty to be in jail. NOT a criminal yet makes decision to drive busload of innocent children while drunk/high. Rehab not for her bc of icky women in their have tattooes. Therapist doesn't understand her. Need I keep going? This has disaster written all over it, and you need to knowledge up on addiction (to alcohol, to Xanax, to HEROIN... IT DOESN'T MATTER) and your denial (BOTH your denials, actually) and your enabling. I wouldn't doubt if you snuck her in some pain pills since you think they're wrong and she needs them. Guess what? You're not terminally unique. I hope you learn some things from those with a lot of experience here on SR.

BlueChair

I dont think there is anything wrong with wanting the best possible legal outcome for your loved one. I wanted that for my husband too. I think its a normal. The courts oversee that justice is served to those harmed based on all the facts.

If she was taking "nerve pills" prescribed due to a medical condition, ts strange the rehab would take them away upon entry, without a proper medical evaluation. If they werent prescribed and were an abused substance then she needs to detox from them.

Rehabs are all different. Im sure some are a big culture shock, but hopefully she will adjust. It takes time I think for most people to make a connection with a therapist. Hopefully the "therapist" is actually a licensed professional.

Rehabs are all different in what they offer family too. A lot depends on the type of rehab you picked. The one we used taught me about addiction from a medical perspective which was the biggest help to me. ( The one we used was not a 12 step so it didnt focus on codependency, or encourage me to use alanon.) Individual and family therapy with my husband all started while he was in treatment. If you have this opportunity Id say take it. A family program thru the rehab may offer you a chance to meet others and share some of your feelings. I never did much of this just because I didnt want to. My support came more from my family and friends.

Recovering from an addiction, is like recovering from other medical problems. Most of the work has to happen from within the person being treated. Both physically and emotionally. Its actually good for her to feel empowered, to feel she is strong, can deal with this and find the strength to make changes in her life. But it doesnt mean she wont need support or encouragement. So while you cant give her the internal motivation and desire to change, you can learn to take care of yourself, and discover healthy ways to support her, communicate and listen. If your looking for an outside support system Id also check out SMART recovery and the CRAFT approach.

You dont want your whole life to become focused on addiction and recovery, so whatever things you do normally, try to keep doing them, and keep yourself stable and balanced.

Refiner

Per the poster: she was also charged with possession of an unauthorized prescription

She's an addict. And they're both in denial.

AnvilheadII

She called from rehab this morndg. She says the therapists don't understand her. She stated that some of the other ladies have tattoos. She begged me to sneak in some real coffee and her nerve pills when I visit. She says she doesn't relate to the others because they are heroin addicts. Don't know what Im going to do.

not a shred of humility or remorse, but instead a laundry list of complaints AND requests. and she's been there what, a day and a half now?

here's the thing my friend. YOU don't have to DO anything! you can just let her sit there and figue out this big bad tatoo'd world all by herself. let her figure out she isn't any better than any other drug addict, that mixing alcohol and xanax is right up there with doing heroin. let her figure out she has problems that need fixing and that she is in the PERFECT place to work on that.

BlueChair

But that was Xanax, wasnt clear to me if there were more pills involved and didnt want to presume.

I dont like to label, or pass judgement on people.