Refiner

First time in my life I actually respect "the union".

LexieCat

Well, her lawyer would be in the position to know, but a few pills isn't likely to result in a prison sentence, either, though it's an authorized sentence. That's just for the sake of easing YOUR mind if you're worried about her going to prison for this. Just as well if she sweats it for a while--she needs this as a wakeup call. For some people that IS just what they need, for others it's just the first of a long progression of progressively worse consequences.

As difficult as it may be, please let her experience the fear and pain of these consequences. It may just save her life, and the lives of others who could be injured in the future if she doesn't stop.

ihatealcohol80

Thank you for all the responses. Today her regular Dr. gave her a script for the detox. I am giving her one pill every 4 hrs. The Dr. Told me that it is needed due to the amount she was drinking. Today I hunted through our home to dispose of all hidden bottles. Can't wait until next week when her bed is ready at the rehab.

ihatealcohol80

Forgot to say that I hope she is going to rehab for herself and not the court or myself. I think the drinking was far worse than I previously thought.

Refiner

Alcohol and Xanax. That's bad. I hope her heart is in this and it's not just be it's court ordered. Did you have a wedding date planned?

ihatealcohol80

I think I may have to postpone the wedding. At this point. I don't think I want to share a car with her. She is showing little remorse regarding her incident. Do alcoholics not have empathy?

Refiner

You're getting into the "dual diagnosis" category now. My sister is both an A and is NPD. VERY scary combo I wish upon NO one.

Thomas45

I would throw away the "may" and go with "I have to postpone the wedding".

She was drunk, driving an entire bus full of other people's children. You are lucky that she didn't make the evening news for killing an entire bus full of kids! Imagine if you have a child together, how will you feel knowing that she might drive your child around town while drunk? Whether she goes to rehab or not, you have zero control over her actions and zero control over whether she drinks and drives with your baby in the car.

At the risk of sounding blunt, if she chose drinking over her 'dream job' which involves the safety of children, she would choose drinking over the well-being of her own dream child. Just remember that her addiction has a very high chance of getting worse, and a very slim chance of getting better any time soon.

redatlanta

Alcoholics will deny, deflect, and blame shift. I wouldn't say that not feeling empathy or other emotions is a characterization of an alcoholic - they certainly DO feel emotions and demonstrate them. They can be very sorry and apologetic as well.

What is pertinent is the addiction and for you to understand what you are dealing with. I think you may be applying logic and your own feelings to her actions. That won't compute. Lack of remorse here would tell me she is minimizing to continue her path, its not a good sign. I would not be surprised that her opinions start hedging toward "Nobody got hurt", "I'm sick", "I'm the victim", as well as comparisons to others and the trouble they have been in in comparison to herself. Everybody else is much worse off than her - she is being persecuted. The Union and everyone that is not supporting her are all unfair. Don't be surprised if she turns on you. IF she is not in a mindset to solve her addiction issue she WILL protect it at all costs. Watch and wait more will be revealed to you.

You will always find many opinions and I respect Blue Chair and her experience, but I think its the exception. I wouldn't lift a finger to help her out of this situation. She drove drunk and on pills with a bus load of innocent children, and has landed on a soft cushy mattress. That mattress is you and her parents who have paid an attorney, and are busy making arrangements for the alcoholic. Let her handle it my friend. No point in throwing out all the bottles - if she wants to get sober she will throw them out. No point in making an appt with rehab she has a finger, she can dial a number.

She must feel the consequences of her actions. I don't believe the legal system is going to do that for her; however, having the responsibility of digging herself out of this hole BY HERSELF is.

Good luck with this. Glad you hit the postpone button.

LexieCat

I agree with red. When I got sober, one of the things I did the day of my last drink (I tapered off over the course of 2-3 days to reduce the withdrawal--not a recommended method but it worked for me) was to throw out every drop of booze in the house. I had previously lived with a professional winemaker (I wasn't much of a wine drinker, though any port in the storm), and I had a whole bunch of wine and champagne bottles. I popped corks left and right and poured them ALL down the sink. I put all the bottles, as well as my drink ware, in a cardboard box for recycling day. It really helped seal my determination never to drink again. I've been sober for almost seven years, and never picked up another drink.

I had a "Plan A" and a "Plan B." Plan A was 90 AA meetings in 90 days. Plan B was rehab. I never had to move on to Plan B. I did my 90 in 90 and was on pretty good ground at that point.

Incidentally, my "bottom" was feeling so sick from withdrawals while at work that a coworker had to drive me home (of course I said I was "sick" with a bug).

So that's what's possible when someone REALLY wants to quit drinking. I'm not sure she's there yet. She might get there, but to the extent everyone is smoothing out this little "problem," the more she will think that it wasn't really that big a deal.

BTW, from what I'm hearing, it sounds like her lawyer is telling her the right things. "Won't represent you if you show up drunk for court," "Looking at prison time." I wish more lawyers would talk to their clients that way.

LemonGirl

I wholeheartedly agree with Lexie and Red....

I know your concern is with your alcoholic lady right now, but when you come to SR, we're all going to try and steer you back to worrying about you. Because that is where the real change will happen. No matter where you are in your journey however, keep coming back. Posting here and reading here will help guide you my friend.

BlueChair

Great she saw her Dr and got the detox started. Well what I see is that she was probably in a cycle of sickness but knew not how to break it, then this incident occurred. What Ive learned is that there is External Motivation and Internal Motivation to change. Right now I feel like she is in shock, confused, scared, and External factors are pushing her to change. But I think this is ok. Stats show most people who enter treatment do so initially because of influence by family, friends, work, the legal system. Stats also show it makes no difference in the success of recovery if it happens this way. (From National Institute of Drug Abuse). And my husband did t want to go into rehab, told me I wasnt on his side and all kinds of things but he did it anyway. The key point is Treatment. The quality of treatment and the ability of professional therapists in the rehab to work 1:1 with a patient and to help them find the Internal motivation to desire change. This is why its so important in my opinion to get the very best treatment center possible, one that's using lots of behavioral therapies and will get to know her as a person. Its not a decision you leave 100% up to a person who is drinking, hung over, or in pain from detox because they dont necessarily have the rationale to ask questions and research options.

I do think the situation is different if one is talking about using AA for their primary recovery because this program works best for people who want it and seek it out on their own.

Many rehab programs will incorporate AA or other meetings like Smart or Lifering into their curriculum, but its not the core of treatment.

In my opinion, helping put together the support one needs for recovery is not enabling. If it is, then its enabling positive change which is a good thing.

If losing her job, her ability to work with children, facing the reality she endangered children, facing her fiance, parents, friends, and probably the whole community knowing whats shes done, talking to an attorney, realizing she could be sent to jail, standing before a judge, having her license revoked, telling her dr she gets physically ill if she stops drinking, suffering through detox even with a medication, attending weeks and weeks of rehab where shes asked to look within. If these things dont prompt change then its unlikely talking to health insurance reps, getting out a phone book and randomly picking an attorney and rehab will be the catalyst IMO. No one should smooth over whats happened, the severity, or her health issues. Reality has to be faced by everyone, including family members in these situations. Family shouldnt do anything they feel is wrong, a burden to them, or something they will later regret. First time going through something like this is also different Im assuming than having it happen multiple times.

((Hugs Ihatealcohol80)) more will be revealed as your journey continues, so watch the signs and make choices accordingly.

velma929

My father was an alcoholic.

I don't know if he was an alcoholic all his life. He was after his retirement. When my Dad was 76 years old, he had a DWI that resulted in a fatality. In addition to the insurance payout, my parents lost half their life savings in the civil suit that followed. Half. The victim's family wanted more. Your finances will be tied to your spouse's, so think very carefully if this is a risk you're willing to take.

Something else to consider: one can't watch tv in my market without seeing ads for lawyers who take injury cases on contingency: that is, if you don't win, there is no charge. My parents could not find a lawyer to defend them in their suit, Not one. What lawyer in his right mind would anticipate payment from someone who was being sued for everything they had? Sure OJ could pay someone; OJ had more money than God.

Needabreak

She's your fiance. She's not your wife -- yet. You do have the right to cancel things. You may love her, but you do not yet have any legal obligations. People do back out of marriage from the 'fiance' stage sometimes -- and her DUI would be a very good reason to back out.

You're young. You only get one chance at life. According to your posts, she has shown absolutely no indication that she believes she has a problem, much less that she's interested in recovery.

Do you really want your life to be consumed by the uncertainty, the craziness that her addiction would bring?

firebolt

I just want to chime in some support. I hope through all this mess you are taking care of YOU. Stress is so hard n the body, mind, and spirit!

Lots of rest, spend time with loved ones / good friends, find some nice moments for yourself, healthy meals, lots of water, exercise, reflection / meditation...all that.

I know it sounds elementary...but I'm a codie....so, I also know that we will forgo all of those things in the name of helping someone we love. To the point of anxiety, hypertension, insomnia, eating disorders, and sometimes alcoholism ourselves.

Be good to yourself!

hopeful4

Alcohol and Xanax, and a school bus full of children. I am horrified. Alcohol and Xanax is a deadly and dangerous combo. I hope you are educating yourself and taking care of yourself. Do not marry this woman.

XXX

CodeJob

Hi,

What are you doing for you in all of this chaos and drama around your addict?

She is an adult and responsible for her actions. Pull back a bit and focus on you. You are responsible for yourself. Are you babysitting her or are you working and sticking to your usual life routine (exercise, walk the dog, etc.).

Have you tried an Al Anon meeting? Some people here also like Celebrate Recovery.

Are you seeing a counselor for yourself? When I kicked my H out for drinking, I found unloading on a counselor very helpful. I was able to get free sessions through my work's EAP (Employment Assistance Program). Besides SR, I found Codependent No More by Melody Beattie very helpful in evaluating my marital relationship and some other relationships too...

Peace to you. You deserve it.

ihatealcohol80

Thank the Lord. My fiance entered rehab today. She wanted to take the rest of her nerve medicine but I told her no. We have a court date next week. I'm hoping she gets off with a strict warning. They have a family program that I plan on attending. I'm hoping they give me advice on how to keep her n the wagon. I have never met a person with alcohol issues. However, I plan on moving forward with her.

LaTeeDa

Here's the deal. NOTHING you do or don't do will "keep her on the wagon." It's her deal. Your role in all this is to decide what's right for you. Her choices will no doubt directly affect your choices, but you don't get to make her choices for her. Even if she makes really bad ones (as she already has).

Let me tell you from experience that marrying someone you hope to change is a really bad idea. Move forward if you wish, but just know that the way she is now may be the way she will continue to be, or worse. Going forward with a plan to "remodel" another person is not advised. Believe me, I tried it and spent 20 years of my life in hell.

L

ladyscribbler

I think that attending the family program at rehab is a good idea, but not for the reasons you're thinking. If they tell you to go to Al-Anon meetings, do you think you'll go?
I volunteer for Al-Anon public outreach program at the local rehab. I meet lots of family members like you. Their loved one is at a crisis point, and they come to the family nights desperate for "the secret" that is going to keep that person sober.
I spend a lot of time talking about managing expectations, not standing in the way of consequences, self-care and boundaries. Sometimes they even listen. Then the conversation turns right back to, "Yes, but how do I keep him/her SOBER?" They look at me like I have two heads when I use words like "powerless" and "unmanageable." They want "the secret", that magic set of words and actions that is going to FIX THIS FOREVER.
There is no secret. Believe me, if I had that magic I'd be shouting it from the rooftops. Every rehab in the world would be shut down, sites like SR wouldn't exist, no AA, no NA, because the disease would be stopped in its tracks. We as loved ones wouldn't get involved in this crazy dance that starts with trying to help because we care and ends with our entire lives being consumed by someone else to the point that we lose ourselves entirely in the process.
Good luck.