SeriousKarma

Twenty three years ago today, in a chapel overlooking the Golden Gate Bridge I married the man of my dreams. He shared my enthusiasm for opera and punk rock music. He taught me how to salsa. He thought I was the funniest person alive. We could stay in bed for 3 days straight watching old movies. We loved tucked away little restaurants and dive bars. We knew how to have a good time. A very good time. He told me my hair looked lovely the way it cascaded over the toilet seat after a night of revelry. I thought he was perfect.

Except for his drinking.

When I arrived at the church my father, who was already there, came to open the car door. I jokingly asked him “ So, did my fiancé ever show up?” To which my father replied:

“H@ll yeah. He’s in the back of the church. He’s as drunk as a cooter mouse.”

The blood completely drained from my face.

My father, who would not find out about my husbands alcoholism for another 20 years, was just joking. To this day he has no idea that he almost gave his youngest daughter a wedding day heart attack. Twenty three years later I still find this story hysterically funny. Apparently I get my sense of humor from my dad.

The wedding was fantastic. The reception a blast. The first half of the marriage was wonderful. Got the daughter we always wanted. He was a doting father. I was an adoring mother. Everything was great.

Except for his drinking.

9/11/01 A bunch of planes fly into a bunch of buildings. His military career kicks into hyperdrive. Long deployments, long separations. What I had already labeled as alcoholism gets mixed with a panoply of other issues. Co-morbidities. Tri-morbidities. He appeared to be collecting morbidities. And women.

It took me a solid decade to puzzle through this. That what had started out as two people embracing life had become one person spinning out of control. That the closer I stood the more I was caught in the vortex. That my love was no longer valued, was no longer appreciated, was no longer wanted, and at times was clearly disdained.

Just as the vortex pulls faster at the center, I notice myself exponentially freer the farther out I get from this marriage. I’m not exactly sure when this paradigm shift happened. But, whereas before I had been constantly staring back at the past, I now find myself looking forward, toward my own future. True, it’s not alway a happy feeling. If anything it’s often filled with anxiety. I am convinced, however, that it is 100% healthy, and exactly where I need to be. I cry less. A lot less. My negative mental energy is now consumed more with my job than with my marriage. That’s good, very good. I don’t need an attorney to quit a job. A job never broke my daughters heart.

So, 23 years. It’s been quite a ride. I suspect all of the legal stuff will be done before we make it to 24.

Not sure what else to say except that I never did find out what a cooter mouse is, and why it gets so drunk.

LightInside

Big hugs to you!!!

readerbaby71

I'm sorry. The cooter mouse joke is funny though. Thinking of you and sending lots of hugs and healing thoughts your way. xxoxox

PinkCloudsCharley

Big hugs

dandylion

SeriousKarma....I don't know what a cooter mouse is.....BUT, I'll bet you anything that they live in Texas!lmaolmao

You are a very engaging writer.....

I understand your nostalgia.......anniversaries do this.....

Don't forget that there will be joy ahead for you, also....

dandlion

SeriousKarma

Or along the banks of the Mississippi river in Missouri, which is where my dad grew up. Where ever they come from, I think we would all agree they are probably not an urban breed of mouse. Not to say that urban mice don't also have drinking problems.

.... You're right Dandylion. I'm finding joy already!!!!!

I swear folks, that cooter mouse story makes me giggle every time I think about it. Just the thought of what my face must have looked like when he said that.

lizatola

Seconding what Dandylion said!

I remember toasting my AH at our wedding. There was no alcohol served so we toasted with sparkling cider. I thought that quitting drinking was going to solve our problems. I was young and didn't know that just quitting wasn't the answer. I really did not know what alcoholism was and how many other -isms there were that went along with it. Hugs to you today!!!!

Butterfly

Big hugs seriouskarma. I hope your doing something nice for yourself today and it's a peaceful day

SunnySunday

Now you can start a new anniversary. An anniversary of your new beginning and true happiness just doing you.

SeriousKarma

Yes, lizatola, the isms!

I spent a good portion of my early marriage thinking that if I could just get him to admit to his alcoholism that everything would be fine.

He did. I even have the letter to prove it! But then it just became a game of cat and mouse (cooter mouse?), where he would drink on the sly and hide the bottles. Of course, hind sight is 20/20, and I realize now that , instead of putting all of my energy into becoming a world class bottle finder, I probably should have been working on detachment and boundaries, and all of that good stuff. I'm not saying it was wasted time. I suppose it's possible that bottle finding, as a hobby, may eventually come into vogue. I'm just saying that the time honored skills of detachment and boundaries will never go out of style.

dandylion

SeriousKarma....my adult son recently relocated to Hannibal, Missouri...on the banks of the Mississippi.....
Small world...?!

dandylion

Eauchiche

Thanks for an amazing and poetic post.
I had breakfast this morning with my partner of 14 years. We have been separated 6 months. This is only the third time I've seen him since then. I was struck by three things:
1. He never once asked me how I'm feeling or doing.
2. He won't do any talking at all except small talk
3. I felt as bored and uncomfortable as I did 6 months ago.

No wonder I drank too when I was with him.

I wish things were different. We could have a great life together.

My heart goes out to you!

SeriousKarma

Thank You, Eauchuiche. I'm glad you appreciated it.

My STBXAH hit that wall of blah a few years ago. I also remember him constantly having that d@mn phone in his hands. It would drive me crazy.

Interestingly, for all that I'm allowing my self a little bit of nostalgic melancholy today, we get along better now than we have in the past few years. Because of the work I've done on myself, I understand what I can and can't expect of him. Our interactions, for the most part, are brief and pleasant. I even spoke to him today for about 5 minutes. We laughingly wished each other a happy anniversary and then talked about some business.

I'm in a good place. I hope things get better for you too.

SeriousKarma

Cooter Brown

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Cooter Brown, sometimes given as Cootie Brown, is a name used in metaphors and similes for drunkenness, mostly in the Southern United States. Cooter Brown supposedly lived on the line which divided the North and South during the American Civil War, making him eligible for military draft by either side. He had family on both sides of the line, so he did not want to fight in the war. He decided to get drunk and stay drunk for the duration of the war so that he would be seen as useless for military purposes and would not be drafted. Ever since, colloquial and proverbial ratings of drunkenness have been benchmarked against the legendary drinker: "as drunk as Cooter Brown" or "drunker than Cooter Brown."


Well what do you think of that?!?!?

Apparently in my pale-faced-wedding-day-swoon I didn't even hear my father correctly! I must have stopped listening right after the words "As drunk as..." There's no such thing as a cooter mouse, but Cooter Brown is all over the internet. "On the line which divided the North and South." Probably the exact part of Missouri that my dad hales from. Dad probably hung out with the dudes kids.

Huh, 23 years and I never thought to look it up till now.

I still kind of like cooter mouse.....

dandylion

lmaolmaolmao SeriousKarma.....that is just so interesting! Thanks for the follow up.
I like Cooter mouse, also.

Now this (cooter mouse) is implanted in my memory!

And, with your permission...will probably use it!!

Maybe..years from now....Wikipedia will define "cooter mouse" as a term started by an interesting lady on a forum for friends and family of alcoholics.

dandylion

SeriousKarma

Absolutely Dandylion! Be my guest.

The english language is ever changing and always evolving. Right?

We'll give those all future Colloquial American Linguistic scholars a run for their money.

Cooter Mouse it is!!!

lillamy

Beautiful, tragic, hopeful story.

And here's what I love about it: You had joy. You had connection. You had a beautiful marriage that was ruined by alcoholism and comorbidities. But you had the beautiful part. And you fought and realized when the battle was lost and saved yourself.

There is beauty in the fact that you did have something good. As a friend of mine likes to say -- just because it didn't last forever doesn't mean it wasn't real.

SeriousKarma

Thanks for saying that lillamy.

You're right, it was real. One of the things I struggled with was that he started saying that he had never really been in love with me. That was both extremely hard, and utterly confusing. It just didn't match my memories at all, and quite frankly didn't even make sense. He didn't need to marry me, and he had plenty opportunity to leave early on if he thought he had made a mistake.

I realize now that he has to think like that to justify the choices he's made and continues to make. For all that it feels deeply personal. It really isn't. It's just a bizarre and painful turn from a disease that has a million bizarre and painful turns.

LightInside

Crying. God, what I wouldn't give to make my good part worth the bad.

SoaringSpirits

This.

Mine would be 19 years on October 7th. I am counting the date of the MSA signing (after two long expensive years of wrangling) as my new anniversary date.

Married to myself now, LOL.