redatlanta

I'll remember that next time I get pulled over for running a stop sign. I'll say it was a Go sign and it was green, I'll swear to it on my mother's eyes.

It is absurd. And exhausting. Take care of you through all this.

changeneeded

I'm so happy you found this place. If you stick around you will see that when we welcome one another we really mean it when we are glad you're here. Because we know it's one more person that is making an attempt at getting their own life back.

If she was just pulled over, it probably means it wasn't her first time drinking or having been drinking, when driving the bus. It is extremely rare that people get caught doing something wrong the first time. More than likely it's because we stop being so careful.

Stay, hang out and read. You will gain some knowledge and hopefully some strength.

I agree with the others, have her call her own re-hab prospects. I would even insist she tell her parents how bad off everything is. Has she ever had complaints about her driving before this?

SeriousKarma

IHA, if your fiancé has been suspended from work, and you are working, why isn't she making these calls?

Is she doing anything herself to get herself out of this mess, or is she leaving the mop-up work to you?

ardy

Welcome from so many of us that have worn those shoes.. listen to all of this great great people for with out them so many of us would be up a creek with out a dime... prayers and keep reading and follow the path that so may help to light for you.. wisconsin..

ihatealcohol80

We met with the attorney this morning. He said he will not represent her if she comes intoxicated to court. Hopefully, me and her parents can keep her sober the day before. There may be a lawsuit against her and the bus company in the future. At this point, it seems like a bad nightmare.

SparkleKitty

Nightmares come unbidden from our subconscious as we sleep, and we are at their mercy until we wake up

I'm afraid your situation was a lot more predictable than a nightmare. The better news is that you are not at its mercy until it is over. Allowing your fiance to feel the consequences of her own actions is the kindest and most loving thing you can do for her as long as she continues burying her head in the sand.

She put children's lives at risk and got in a heap of trouble for it. There are ways out of her predicament, but they all start with her admitting there is a problem. The likelihood of her doing that while there are all these people around buffering her from her consequences? Not good.

firebolt

I am sorry you are in this nightmare. You don't have to be. It is up to her to be sober for court - not you and her parents. Protecting them from their destruction enables them to continue to choose to stay in their sickness....likewise, enabling them to skip past their consequences keeps US sick too.

I hope for peace for you - through detachment. Court is for HER, lawsuit is for HER, fines are for HER. It is difficult, but you can turn your focus to a happy and healthy life for YOU!

ladyscribbler

She is an adult. She made a horrible, life- altering choice, probably not for the first time.
The more you and her parents cushion her from the reality of her situation and try to micromanage her to mitigate the consequences of HER choices, the less incentive she had to change.
I understand that feeling of shock, that this can't possibly be your life. It seems like you are on autopilot, just doing the same things that I would guess you've been doing throughout this relationship- cleaning up her messes for her, taking on the responsibility for her actions.
All your posts are about what you're doing for her- calling rehabs, taking her to meet lawyers, trying to keep her sober for court.
What is she doing for herself? Drinking and denying and trying to blame shift.
What are you doing for yourself? You matter too. Your life does not have to revolve around her drunken shenanigans.
I'm interested in hearing about you. Did you grow up in a home with substance abuse? Is this your first alcoholic relationship, or do you have a pattern of falling for unhealthy women? Have you read any of the stickies on alcoholism or the relationship dynamics that result from one partner being an addict or alcoholic? Have you looked for an Al-Anon meeting?
She is going to do what she is going to do. You can make changes for yourself. This is a terrible way to live.

LexieCat

Yup, if she drinks before court, I'd let that lie squarely in her lap. "Cleaning her up for court" does NO one any good.

You'd need to find out from a lawyer in your jurisdiction, but I seriously doubt anyone can file a successful lawsuit when there were no damages. Being afraid for your child's safety isn't a compensable injury. Of course, anyone can sue anyone for anything, but this doesn't sound like something anyone could win.

OTOH, if she continues as she is, sooner or later she IS likely to cause damage or injury to someone.

I know it's hard, but I'd suggest sitting on your hands except for providing support/assistance if she asks for your help in seeking recovery. But even then, don't do for her what she should be doing for herself.

BlueChair

You know what happened to me? I felt like I was in an unreal nightmare too. I think the body started pumping lots of adrenalin and it kept me going, but after a bit when things began to fall in place then I started to get really emotional. My therapist said initially I was in shock. So please make sure your eating nutritious foods even if you cant sleep well. Take a few minutes each day and try to deep breath, or do something to de-stress. I know it sounds trivial but it helps switch you to a lower gear.

I dont blame the attorney for requiring her to be sober. Is she still consuming alcohol in the house, or is she going out to get it? Shes not going to be capable of rational thought until she sobers up. I wonder what the judge would do if she showed up intoxicated? Its not like she would be coherent enough to put under oath. Hmm .

I hope her parents can be of support to you both.

I dont consider what your doing enabling or preventing consequences. My inlaws helped find a quality rehab for my husband, got him good legal representation, and friends physically removed him from an unsafe environment. The core consequences didnt change for him due to anyones assistance. All we did was put together the pieces of support he needed to get through the situation. He still had plenty to do on his own to work through it all.

SeriousKarma

I hear what your saying Blue, but I'm afraid I don't really see it the same way.

I think keeping her sober so the attorney doesn't drop her would qualify as changing a core consequence.

BlueChair

Yeah I know. People have different opinions on this kind of stuff and its good to share all views because what each of us do is a personal choice.

I know people said we were wrong in what we did with my husband but I never felt like it, and it turned out fine for him in regards to recovering.

I feel she will end up before a judge regardless if its delayed or not by the attorney backing out or asking for a continuance. It will just delay thee process but wont change the outcome.

ihatealcohol80

Update. My fiance went to court this morning. We discovered that actual prison time may be a result. The attorney wants to get her into rehab before the court orders it. He said it will look good. She is currently on a waiting list. I don't think she needs prison time. She is obviously.

Hopeless1978

Hello and welcome! I'm so very sorry that you're going through this, but I agree, you might want to reconsider the marriage as much as you love her. I had 2 friends. One who drank occasionally and her boyfriend, who was a straight up alcoholic. He drank all day, every day bec. he was on unemployment. He would sneak out of the house to say he was working on his truck, but he would have a case of beer in it. She has a really good job and she would work all day, only to come home to him "sleeping", which was really him just passed out. However! She still went through with the wedding, which was a beautiful one. His sister had to BEG him to stay sober for his own wedding!! To make a long story short? They should've never got married. They are now divorced after not even 3 years together. He is now worse than he's ever been.
Good luck to you and SR has some amazing people that will help you through this horrible time in your life.
Personally, I could never be with someone after they did something THAT bad!! Children or adults!! Their life was in HER hands and she put them all in serious jeopardy. There is NO excuse for that and you shouldn't be stuck having to clean her mess up, let alone feel like you are ANY part of the blame!!

Sungrl

I believe you said she was arrested for felony DUI.

I am not at all familiar with the dui process. I have never had one and my XABF could not hold a job long enough to own a car.

Anyhow, not to be harsh and I know you love her and want to help,but you don't seem to see the circumstances for what they are .....

if I understand correctly she was driving a school bus full of children drunk. I am sure the parents of those children feel prison isn't such a bad call.

LexieCat

My guess is that it's some kind of "official misconduct" charge or some kind of endangering the welfare of children charge that is potentially out there, rather than just a DWI. DWIs rarely result in jail time for a first offense unless there was injury or prior convictions.

ihatealcohol80

Lex, she was also charged with possession of an unauthorized prescription. She had a few pills of xanex. She told me she was using them to control the morning shakes. I guess they had to test it at the lab. It seems to be getting worse and worse.

LemonGirl

Morning shakes? Please know that this is a sign of progressed alcoholism.

I am so sorry you are going through this.... but may I suggest looking towards the future for a moment...? This is not going to be a one time incident if she continues drinking. I tend to agree with SeriousKarma, that "keeping her sober" for court isn't really anyone else's responsibility but her own. Coming together to help someone who shows a want to get sober is an entirely different situation.

AnvilheadII

We discovered that actual prison time may be a result

if YOUR child had been on a school bus and had an accident and it turned out that the DRIVER of that bus was DRUNK, wouldn't you want that person to suffer the consequences? CHILDREN could have been injured or KILLED due to her stupid choices. she didn't care enough about the children in her care to not DRINK before navigating the vehicle. she put children's LIVES at risk.

i'd want that person put away. I wouldn't CARE if they had a drinking problem, or what program might be best for THEM.

what is your wife doing now? is she sober?

BlueChair

Hopefully her court appearance shook her into reality of what the stakes are now. Prison IMO doesnt help addiction in most cases. Its punishment for offences, and best decided by a judge who knows all the facts. I hope she will be able to get into the rehab before too long. Sounds like she needs detox before entry into full treatment mode if shes got the shakes.