new here and fiance needs help
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
Posts: 123
Didn't realize
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler 
Some of the biggest regrets of my relationship with my ex center around all the times I "helped" him fix some mess he'd created for himself. I didn't realize that I wasn't really helping him at all, but enabling his alcoholism to progress and flourish. You aren't even slightly responsible for this. These are her consequences for her choices.
His normal routine after some big disaster- jail, emergency room, whatever, was to come home and immediately start drinking again. It's alcoholic thinking, trying to find logic in it will only make you crazy.
I agree with others who have suggested getting some support from yourself. I attend Al-anon meetings and have had great results from that.
His normal routine after some big disaster- jail, emergency room, whatever, was to come home and immediately start drinking again. It's alcoholic thinking, trying to find logic in it will only make you crazy.
I agree with others who have suggested getting some support from yourself. I attend Al-anon meetings and have had great results from that.
Wow this resonated with me..I helped him once, he got sober, we were together but after the 1st hospital ICU
relapse...I backed off...everyone said don't go there and I listened. ..
I lost him after that but I'm starting to see he was already gone..
I sure didn't see it then, I was madly I'm love and attached but when it comes down to life or death with the disease I always choose life.
but I hurt and wish it was different.
I have horrible survival guilt over my mom and her affliction, I had to leave her at 20....she died 4 years later...
on some level I felt responsible. I'm just seeing this now after loving my recent AB
So thank you, I did the right thing with my AB or I'd be regretting like you mentioned. .but I'm without him so it often confuses me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by allforcnm
What is the Terminal Uniqueness route? just curious.
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by Sungrl
I was not going to comment on this thread anymore because your obvious denial and down playing the events was getting to me.
Then you go and say your alcoholic addict GF is too pretty and wouldn't "make it" in jail.
My parting remark to you would be to please stop for a minute and
seek help for your own obvious issues and let her find her own way out of this.
And just be happy the Lord was watching out for those kids that day.
Then you go and say your alcoholic addict GF is too pretty and wouldn't "make it" in jail.
My parting remark to you would be to please stop for a minute and
seek help for your own obvious issues and let her find her own way out of this.
And just be happy the Lord was watching out for those kids that day.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 203
Ihatealcohol80
I understand what you mean about the "bluntness" on this forum. When I first joined, looking for help with my daughter, some responses caused such hurt that I would leave the site for months at a time. But what I have learned over these past few years is that it wasn't the "bluntness" that hurt, it was the fear that what the people were saying was true.
You are an enabler, so am I. I always looked "past" my daughter's actions, always ready with an excuse because I just KNEW that if I got her the help she needed everything would be ok. It wasn't. What did happen was she got her 2nd DUI.
It was after the 2nd one that I started looking at myself and not at her. How I reacted. How I contributed. How my "taking care" not to let her get hurt, hurt her worse. It was only after I sat her down and not yelling, not preaching, not anything other than pouring my heart out to her told her in no uncertain terms, her problem was just that...her problem. I wasn't getting her an attorney, or paying for it, or calling rehabs, or getting her car out of impound. She made the decision to start using again, and she would finally feel the consequences. All of the consequences. Was I in pain...you bet I was but when I stopped making excuses, she had no choice but to accept the blame. She's been clean and sober for almost a year.
I understand what you mean about the "bluntness" on this forum. When I first joined, looking for help with my daughter, some responses caused such hurt that I would leave the site for months at a time. But what I have learned over these past few years is that it wasn't the "bluntness" that hurt, it was the fear that what the people were saying was true.
You are an enabler, so am I. I always looked "past" my daughter's actions, always ready with an excuse because I just KNEW that if I got her the help she needed everything would be ok. It wasn't. What did happen was she got her 2nd DUI.
It was after the 2nd one that I started looking at myself and not at her. How I reacted. How I contributed. How my "taking care" not to let her get hurt, hurt her worse. It was only after I sat her down and not yelling, not preaching, not anything other than pouring my heart out to her told her in no uncertain terms, her problem was just that...her problem. I wasn't getting her an attorney, or paying for it, or calling rehabs, or getting her car out of impound. She made the decision to start using again, and she would finally feel the consequences. All of the consequences. Was I in pain...you bet I was but when I stopped making excuses, she had no choice but to accept the blame. She's been clean and sober for almost a year.
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