Alcoholic Wife Claims Abuse - Falsely
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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Advocate: Call the women's shelter. As I said, they provide services (advice, safety planning, counseling, any assistance needed) to victims regardless of sex. I've had many male victims of DV during my career, including at least two police officers (MEN with GUNS)--believe me, they were not helpless waifs, but they WERE abused and their abusers WERE prosecuted. ETA: shelters are NOT government agencies. There is nothing "official" about them--they are operated by nonprofit organizations. About the only thing that might be subject to reporting would be if they learned of child abuse.
As I said, contacting the advocate/shelter does not involve anything official. It is a free service for anyone who is a victim of abuse. And ANYONE can be a victim. I've had people with tons of money and power who were victims.
In terms of your having to leave to escape the abuse, if you have reason to fear physical injury, you can apply for a protective order. If granted, she would have to leave the house. Alternatively, filing for divorce or separation might allow you to be granted temporary possession of the house (and temporary custody of your son). You might want to consult a lawyer about your options. This does NOT obligate you to go through with anything, but knowledge is power. It is good to be informed about what your rights and obligations would be.
Alcoholism (as well as abuse) inevitably becomes worse over time. Your son is being exposed to all of this in the meantime. There are many, many adult children of alcoholics here on this forum who will tell you how much they wish their nonalcoholic parent had protected them from the insanity and chaos that goes along with active alcoholism.
Of course, you can continue to tell yourself that it's not that bad. I hope you will at the very least start attending Al-Anon and start setting some good boundaries for what you will and will not accept. As suggested above, engaging in an argument with an alcoholic who is drinking is worse than useless.
As I said, contacting the advocate/shelter does not involve anything official. It is a free service for anyone who is a victim of abuse. And ANYONE can be a victim. I've had people with tons of money and power who were victims.
In terms of your having to leave to escape the abuse, if you have reason to fear physical injury, you can apply for a protective order. If granted, she would have to leave the house. Alternatively, filing for divorce or separation might allow you to be granted temporary possession of the house (and temporary custody of your son). You might want to consult a lawyer about your options. This does NOT obligate you to go through with anything, but knowledge is power. It is good to be informed about what your rights and obligations would be.
Alcoholism (as well as abuse) inevitably becomes worse over time. Your son is being exposed to all of this in the meantime. There are many, many adult children of alcoholics here on this forum who will tell you how much they wish their nonalcoholic parent had protected them from the insanity and chaos that goes along with active alcoholism.
Of course, you can continue to tell yourself that it's not that bad. I hope you will at the very least start attending Al-Anon and start setting some good boundaries for what you will and will not accept. As suggested above, engaging in an argument with an alcoholic who is drinking is worse than useless.
2) Great advice Lexie - - (long and deep bow to you). You are a spot-on, and as much as I have known it was not good, I have never known what to do - - - and here is the worst part of the helplessness or my reason for inaction: It is very infrequent. Okay, she likes her drinks and prefers to just be left alone with the TV at night. Anything that gets in the way - including her not approving of how I am helping our son do homework or, in her opinion, being too permissive because he is not falling in line with my (or her ) every command-- you see its all more of a personality thing - she is loud and annoying but the "abuse" part is usually subtle (except the couple of extreme cases I have noted here) and infrequent - - YOu see, it is usually "my fault" for provoking her (like trying to talk about reality and the like while she is "mellow").
3) Superb advice about not addressing her when buzzed (her normal evening state is 'a little buzzed'. I can tell when it goes more to "drunk". Anyway, it makes it hard to get her in a time she is 'straight', as she is out or busy a lot of the day and there are things to be done at home that won't happen if we "have a chat". Monitoring or tracking this is like being a traffic cop who watches the same stretch of road for weeks on end and never sees a violation worthy of prosecution. He eventually puts away the speed detection equipment (at least he does for this example). Day after day, even weeks on end, I might go about life normally with my camera at the ready and have no real use for it.
This very moment in time is a perfect example. She "lost it" last Sunday (just yelled and me and my son and said stuff you don't say in front of kids about your marriage) and has been super-sweet to our son (he's completely fallen for it and will not talk to me about it). We get lulled into a false sense of peace and calm, and with enough time, one thinks, "well, maybe she has dealt with her demons and we are out of the woods".
This info. to answer why I've done nothing TILL NOW - that and having never told anyone about my deeply private life (oldest friend and the few family members I grew up with are all deceased (had a tiny family tree) and thus having had no feedback - TILL NOW.
For now, my heart is breaking that my son, for whatever reason, is being arm's length with me. The "I love you's" have stopped, as has his desire to spend time with me after school -- as he has every day since he was 3.
Its been hell waiting around for the meeting today. I'll get all the referrals and such from her - she surely will know all the shelters, who best to contact, etc.
A few more hours....
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Look into the free phone app Aspire. It is for abuse, it will do some automatic recording when activated. It's really great, and it's free. Dr.Phil's wife runs a program for abuse victims, and they developed this app. I have it on my phone and am a firm believer everyone should have it on theirs as a safety precaution. She won't even know you have it.
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Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
Have you attempted to talk to your son? You don't know what she's told him or is alleging against you, and you may be able to reassure him. Do not denigrate your AW to him, apart from mentioning the affect of alcohol on her behaviour.
As for my son - you bring up the aspect of this that is ripping my heart out. Without having availed myself of the resources made known to me here yet (today is the day), it has felt like my wife has "won". I keep saying to myself, "the truth will set us free", but sometimes the truth can be hidden away quite well. Anyway, my son completely shuts down when I try to talk to him. From that, I would deduce he blames ME, just as his mother wants it to be. She screams at how I am ruining her life and destroying our family (can you say, "backwards"?), then sweet-talks him and hugs him and, I am guessing, says "Mommy Dearest (my term) will make everything okay. I think he has bought into it hook, line, and sinker.
Speaking of sinker, she could take a long walk off a short pier and I would not missed her, but I can't handle having my son think she is right. I have done everything I know how to be a good dad and I love my little man (he's actually almost as big as me now) more than anything in this world - yes including the wife (and she surely knows it, compounding her contempt for me, I am sure). So you see, the poor child is in an emotional tug of war, only with a full-on divorce/custody issue happening.
Trying to wrap up - - I now know the shear hell people must go thru divorcing with kids. I am not a self-involved person who is happy with my life and just sees something like this as "unfortunate for the kids". My love and concern for my only son and his happiness and wellbeing run too deep to let this devil woman take him away from me emotionally. On that matter, I simply don't know what to do or how to get him to talk...
I'm done - - - thanks for the support and words of wisdom.
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Originally Posted by hopeful4
Look into the free phone app Aspire. It is for abuse, it will do some automatic recording when activated. It's really great, and it's free. Dr.Phil's wife runs a program for abuse victims, and they developed this app. I have it on my phone and am a firm believer everyone should have it on theirs as a safety precaution. She won't even know you have it.
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Sending you support, Bob. I'm glad you have some meetings scheduled. My abuse, too, started out subtle and insidious while my AH mostly just wanted to be left alone, with random moments of absolute rage. Over time, as the alcoholism has progressed, the moments of absolute rage have increased. Keeping a journal (even a typewritten one on your computer--password protected) helps me to see how much worse things are now than they were 4-5 years ago. It can be hard to accept the progression without something like that, because the progression has been gradual over time.
I am also a proponent of "talk to a lawyer" sooner rather than later. I find that you often leave those free consultations feeling MUCH better about your options and your rights.
Just keep taking it one step at a time, and work on being as honest with yourself as you can. And try to have faith that as long as you work to protect your own relationship with your son, sooner or later he's going to figure out that his mother is not the reliable parent. All you can do is be a good example for him, and be his place of comfort and refuge.
I am also a proponent of "talk to a lawyer" sooner rather than later. I find that you often leave those free consultations feeling MUCH better about your options and your rights.
Just keep taking it one step at a time, and work on being as honest with yourself as you can. And try to have faith that as long as you work to protect your own relationship with your son, sooner or later he's going to figure out that his mother is not the reliable parent. All you can do is be a good example for him, and be his place of comfort and refuge.
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Originally Posted by wisconsin
sending you support, bob. I'm glad you have some meetings scheduled. My abuse, too, started out subtle and insidious while my ah mostly just wanted to be left alone, with random moments of absolute rage. Over time, as the alcoholism has progressed, the moments of absolute rage have increased. Keeping a journal (even a typewritten one on your computer--password protected) helps me to see how much worse things are now than they were 4-5 years ago. It can be hard to accept the progression without something like that, because the progression has been gradual over time.
I am also a proponent of "talk to a lawyer" sooner rather than later. I find that you often leave those free consultations feeling much better about your options and your rights.
Just keep taking it one step at a time, and work on being as honest with yourself as you can. And try to have faith that as long as you work to protect your own relationship with your son, sooner or later he's going to figure out that his mother is not the reliable parent. All you can do is be a good example for him, and be his place of comfort and refuge.
I am also a proponent of "talk to a lawyer" sooner rather than later. I find that you often leave those free consultations feeling much better about your options and your rights.
Just keep taking it one step at a time, and work on being as honest with yourself as you can. And try to have faith that as long as you work to protect your own relationship with your son, sooner or later he's going to figure out that his mother is not the reliable parent. All you can do is be a good example for him, and be his place of comfort and refuge.
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As pointed out do not engage.
Not a spouse but have a family member always claiming "victim" and when he's drunk/buzzed especially he goes into lecture mode using a pointed finger/chopping motion when making his point on anything-he is never wrong, he knows everything etc. This on top of having a hair trigger where objects have flown, not at a person-yet or known. He also will try to bait you into a fight/argument.
Do not engage.
Not a spouse but have a family member always claiming "victim" and when he's drunk/buzzed especially he goes into lecture mode using a pointed finger/chopping motion when making his point on anything-he is never wrong, he knows everything etc. This on top of having a hair trigger where objects have flown, not at a person-yet or known. He also will try to bait you into a fight/argument.
Do not engage.
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PS - For one of the wonderful people here who suggested I remove alcohol entirely from my side of the equation and to 'wisconsin's' words of wisdom re. my son:
Although I haven't had any alcoholic drink for a few days (I've never been a daily drinker), I will profess to my family today that I WILL NOT TOUCH A DROP OF ALCOHOL WHILE I AM IN THIS HOME OR WITH EITHER OR BOTH OF YOU.
After chewing on the proposal that I remove my end of ANY association with alcohol, I think this is a prudent move for me - for US. And maybe it will help my son come one step closer to "getting it" - seeing who has been the reliable, committed one al these years.... That, or my wife will just start hiding her consumption all the more. Whatever - I will have done one more good thing and will have no vice for use as a "you're a hypocrite" charge - a big thing to teens -- and my wife.
PS - Would it be too provocative to have a breath analyzer for those times my wife says awful things in front of our son and denies having had anything more than few sips of wine? You have no idea how badly I want to prove otherwise.
Although I haven't had any alcoholic drink for a few days (I've never been a daily drinker), I will profess to my family today that I WILL NOT TOUCH A DROP OF ALCOHOL WHILE I AM IN THIS HOME OR WITH EITHER OR BOTH OF YOU.
After chewing on the proposal that I remove my end of ANY association with alcohol, I think this is a prudent move for me - for US. And maybe it will help my son come one step closer to "getting it" - seeing who has been the reliable, committed one al these years.... That, or my wife will just start hiding her consumption all the more. Whatever - I will have done one more good thing and will have no vice for use as a "you're a hypocrite" charge - a big thing to teens -- and my wife.
PS - Would it be too provocative to have a breath analyzer for those times my wife says awful things in front of our son and denies having had anything more than few sips of wine? You have no idea how badly I want to prove otherwise.
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Originally Posted by TheBob1
hopeful4, what's up with "no ducks"?
LOL!
LOL!
Here's a thread that might cheer you up a bit: QUACKERS.
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It's not no ducks, it's no quacking! Let me put it to you bluntly, many of us SR members call the BS that is spewed to us quacking. No, I love ducks, but hate quacking LOL!
We always tell people, when they are standing there just feeding you a bunch of bull and you are trying not to engage, just imagine they are a duck, and it's just, "quack, quack, quack."
Good luck today! My heart is with you, I hate all you are going through, but I am so happy that you are actually taking action!
We always tell people, when they are standing there just feeding you a bunch of bull and you are trying not to engage, just imagine they are a duck, and it's just, "quack, quack, quack."
Good luck today! My heart is with you, I hate all you are going through, but I am so happy that you are actually taking action!
Originally Posted by TheBob1
hopeful4, what's up with "no ducks"?
LOL!
LOL!
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Originally Posted by TheBob1
PS - Would it be too provocative to have a breath analyzer for those times my wife says awful things in front of our son and denies having had anything more than few sips of wine? You have no idea how badly I want to prove otherwise.
I also quit consuming alcohol about three years ago. I drank very, very rarely, and haven't missed it a bit. But that was a personal choice I made for me...not as some way to "prove" to anybody in the house that I was somehow better because I didn't drink. And I never really made an announcement about it. I just stopped doing it, because it was a choice I made for myself, not for anybody else.
Once the drinking and the lying and the combativeness become too much, if you have worked on your own recovery you will realize that the only way to change the fact that it's "too much" is for you to leave the situation.
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Originally Posted by hopeful4
It's not no ducks, it's no quacking! Let me put it to you bluntly, many of us SR members call the BS that is spewed to us quacking. No, I love ducks, but hate quacking LOL!
We always tell people, when they are standing there just feeding you a bunch of bull and you are trying not to engage, just imagine they are a duck, and it's just, "quack, quack, quack."
Good luck today! My heart is with you, I hate all you are going through, but I am so happy that you are actually taking action!
We always tell people, when they are standing there just feeding you a bunch of bull and you are trying not to engage, just imagine they are a duck, and it's just, "quack, quack, quack."
Good luck today! My heart is with you, I hate all you are going through, but I am so happy that you are actually taking action!
Thanks a million times over for the wishes and support!
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Originally Posted by Wisconsin
I'm gonna say no on that one...part of your own recovery will probably involve learning to stay on your own side of the street. Your wife has a right to drink as much or as little as she wants, whenever and wherever she wants. And she has a right to lie until the cows come home about it. That doesn't mean she is free from the consequences of those choices, but she is a full grown adult with the right to make those choices, however bad we may believe them to be. The only thing you can control is your own reaction, and keeping all of your emotional energy focused on her and what she is doing is just going to cause you more emotional pain. I absolutely promise you--your son will figure this out on his own. Using a breathalyzer to "prove" she is lying will just up the level of conflict, which is not good for anybody...especially your son. My AH lies about EVERYTHING at this point, and it is all so unbelievably stupid. Years ago I would challenge him on every single lie. As he has gotten sicker, I have learned that the only person I need to convince that I'm right is ME. Trying to convince him that I'm right is a lost cause. And trying to convince a third party (like our son) that I'm right would just involve demonizing my AH to his son, and I'm not willing to do that.
I also quit consuming alcohol about three years ago. I drank very, very rarely, and haven't missed it a bit. But that was a personal choice I made for me...not as some way to "prove" to anybody in the house that I was somehow better because I didn't drink. And I never really made an announcement about it. I just stopped doing it, because it was a choice I made for myself, not for anybody else.
Once the drinking and the lying and the combativeness become too much, if you have worked on your own recovery you will realize that the only way to change the fact that it's "too much" is for you to leave the situation.
I also quit consuming alcohol about three years ago. I drank very, very rarely, and haven't missed it a bit. But that was a personal choice I made for me...not as some way to "prove" to anybody in the house that I was somehow better because I didn't drink. And I never really made an announcement about it. I just stopped doing it, because it was a choice I made for myself, not for anybody else.
Once the drinking and the lying and the combativeness become too much, if you have worked on your own recovery you will realize that the only way to change the fact that it's "too much" is for you to leave the situation.
As for stopping, I might just tell my son what I have decided when we are alone. May look like grandstanding in front of my wife - yet another thing to hate me for and blame more drinking on (did I mention it is MY fault she drinks (!quack!)).
Part of my making it known, is that I never hide an alcoholic beverage - never have (well, excluding a few rock concerts in the 70's and from my parents in that same decade) . If I have a beer, I have a beer - no biggie. I HAVE realized lately that, to our son, it may appear I am "the drinker" in the family, as my wife has her little discreet places and types of glassware that make it very hard to notice. For all I know, he thinks I am the one with the problem. But I digress - sheesh, sorry....
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I just wanted to say I think you are a great, strong and loving dad to your son...you are still there going through all of this for him....you are doing what is right for him...even if he doesn't see that now, he will...so sorry you are going through this....sounds like she is mental unstable and then add the alcoholism on top of that...yuck...I am going through it too..you are not alone...let us know how it goes.
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Sad - Thank you and God Bless you. More tears welling up here.
I was married long ago to someone with mental illness (her father was severely Manic-Depressive and she was later diagnosed "bi-polar").
I mention that because one of the things that attracted me to my wife (current/long-term - ish) was her apparent mental stability and normalcy. Its like a personality transplant here - - lest I not forget we are also looking at menopause - which, even in the absence of alcohol, can make a woman appear mad. I can only hope that and stress are the explanation for the mood swings and new "tactics".
In the end, and why the tears, is I am once again being the "rock" - and honestly, I don't feel like a rock. But I HAVE been and your kind note brought out the realization.
(Wow, I always have to write too much - sorry!).
I was married long ago to someone with mental illness (her father was severely Manic-Depressive and she was later diagnosed "bi-polar").
I mention that because one of the things that attracted me to my wife (current/long-term - ish) was her apparent mental stability and normalcy. Its like a personality transplant here - - lest I not forget we are also looking at menopause - which, even in the absence of alcohol, can make a woman appear mad. I can only hope that and stress are the explanation for the mood swings and new "tactics".
In the end, and why the tears, is I am once again being the "rock" - and honestly, I don't feel like a rock. But I HAVE been and your kind note brought out the realization.
(Wow, I always have to write too much - sorry!).
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In the end, and why the tears, is I am once again being the "rock" - and honestly, I don't feel like a rock. But I HAVE been and your kind note brought out the realization.
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