AH Drank Over the 2 Beer Limit Yesterday
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,915
This bears repeating. Thanks for the reminder, Carlotta.
Originally Posted by m1k3 
Just a little note here, this has been coming up a lot lately and I thought I would address something that just isn’t said in this forum that often.
Your alcoholic has the right to drink whether you like it or not.
As an adult they have the right to choose how they want to live their lives. Right now they are choosing to drink. To be honest it really isn’t your job to change them. Besides the fact that almost every one of us here got here because we thought we could change them, make them stop, love them into quitting with all the disastrous effects it had on our lives, it isn't our place to change them.
We simply don’t have the right to do that anymore than they have the right to change us and make us willing supporters, enablers or problem solvers for them.
You don’t have to cover for them, clean up after them, make their lives easier so that they can continue drinking but you don’t have the right to try and force them to change either.
Your friend,
Your alcoholic has the right to drink whether you like it or not.
As an adult they have the right to choose how they want to live their lives. Right now they are choosing to drink. To be honest it really isn’t your job to change them. Besides the fact that almost every one of us here got here because we thought we could change them, make them stop, love them into quitting with all the disastrous effects it had on our lives, it isn't our place to change them.
We simply don’t have the right to do that anymore than they have the right to change us and make us willing supporters, enablers or problem solvers for them.
You don’t have to cover for them, clean up after them, make their lives easier so that they can continue drinking but you don’t have the right to try and force them to change either.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
JustBreathe - please re-read your post from 12/22/14 in the Alcoholism forum:
As a grown man, he DOES have the right to choose to drink, 2 beers or 50 or whatever he chooses. He has a right to deal with the consequences of his own decisions.
Have you thought of it in terms of allowing him the dignity of choosing sobriety for himself, for the right reasons?
Originally Posted by Justbreathe1980
So, before my husband and I went out to dinner tonight, he asked if he could have a beer. I told him no because of how he gets and the strain it puts on our relationship.
So, I was feeling all depressed and discouraged because I realize he is doing his sobriety for me and not himself, which just will not work.
I have been feeling down all night.
Then I came to this section, and the thought came to me that I need to go to more meetings, stay sober myself, and BOOM, I started to feel well again.
I am beginning to realize that if I just take care of myself and my own sobriety, I will make it through this and there is hope. In other words, I am hopeful because of my sobriety, and this hopeful mood is not tied to my husband's sobriety.
When I am strong and my husband sees me working on my own sobriety, there is some type of change in the dynamic of our relationship. I feel in control of myself because of have control of my own sobriety.
Still figuring all of this out....but I think it is getting better.
So, I was feeling all depressed and discouraged because I realize he is doing his sobriety for me and not himself, which just will not work.
I have been feeling down all night.
Then I came to this section, and the thought came to me that I need to go to more meetings, stay sober myself, and BOOM, I started to feel well again.
I am beginning to realize that if I just take care of myself and my own sobriety, I will make it through this and there is hope. In other words, I am hopeful because of my sobriety, and this hopeful mood is not tied to my husband's sobriety.
When I am strong and my husband sees me working on my own sobriety, there is some type of change in the dynamic of our relationship. I feel in control of myself because of have control of my own sobriety.
Still figuring all of this out....but I think it is getting better.
Have you thought of it in terms of allowing him the dignity of choosing sobriety for himself, for the right reasons?
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Whose idea was the two beers limit? Probably yours or if it was his it was to pacify you. Up to him, he would probably get blasted every other day.
One thing I would suggest is that you look up moderation and controlled drinking on SR. You will see that even when it is the alcoholic's own idea to control their own drinking, they fail miserably.
One thing I would suggest is that you look up moderation and controlled drinking on SR. You will see that even when it is the alcoholic's own idea to control their own drinking, they fail miserably.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
So it's "good news" that he drove home drunk and singing loudly with you in the car?
Whatever he does, isn't it best for you to arrange for your own transportation in the event he gets drunk? Isn't that the EXACT situation that resulted in your leaving him by the side of the road after he threatened to "snap your neck" back in November?
Whatever he does, isn't it best for you to arrange for your own transportation in the event he gets drunk? Isn't that the EXACT situation that resulted in your leaving him by the side of the road after he threatened to "snap your neck" back in November?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Hi JB,
As many others have posted, your husband does have the right to drink. But YOU, YOU have the right to leave. As I recall, you have a supportive family and parents that would happily accept you into their home.
Have you considered moving back in with them?
Sending you big hugs.
As many others have posted, your husband does have the right to drink. But YOU, YOU have the right to leave. As I recall, you have a supportive family and parents that would happily accept you into their home.
Have you considered moving back in with them?
Sending you big hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
First off, my husband never drank and drove the other night. I was the sober driver. He was not belligerent that night, and he just sang songs on the drive home.
I am holding up well because there has been no belligerence in the past two months that he has been drinking. I only have some anxiety as to when the belligerence may come again.
What is keeping me sane at this time is there is no alcohol allowed in our apartment, which he has been respecting. If he does bring home alcohol, then he knows I will leave and go sleep at my parent's house. But I have a safe haven at my home. In the past few months, he has been only having a couple beers which has been fine. But due to being at a casino (and the booze is not free), he ended up having more while I was busy playing blackjack. Yes, it sucks that he had about 6 beers, but at least he was not belligerent.
This is a day by day thing. He knows that if he comes belligerent again after drinking too much, that I will leave and go sleep at my parent's house. That is the plan.
Thank you all for your feedback.
I am holding up well because there has been no belligerence in the past two months that he has been drinking. I only have some anxiety as to when the belligerence may come again.
What is keeping me sane at this time is there is no alcohol allowed in our apartment, which he has been respecting. If he does bring home alcohol, then he knows I will leave and go sleep at my parent's house. But I have a safe haven at my home. In the past few months, he has been only having a couple beers which has been fine. But due to being at a casino (and the booze is not free), he ended up having more while I was busy playing blackjack. Yes, it sucks that he had about 6 beers, but at least he was not belligerent.
This is a day by day thing. He knows that if he comes belligerent again after drinking too much, that I will leave and go sleep at my parent's house. That is the plan.
Thank you all for your feedback.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 368
I am glad that your home is a more peaceful place to be, I know how precious that is. But I am so sorry that he is still both drinking and drugging. I sincerely hope that you will find the strength to go to your parents if that is what you need. Looking back at your early posts, you have come so far in letting go. It takes such a lot of effort and time to not only deal with codependency but to also deal with your own alcoholism. You should be proud of the progress you have made!
Maybe the next step now is to work through in your head what a scenario would look like that would have you leave? Simply so it's less frightening when you have to actually do it. I found visualising walling out really helped me do it in a previous relationship. It took me a while, but it worked for me.
Maybe the next step now is to work through in your head what a scenario would look like that would have you leave? Simply so it's less frightening when you have to actually do it. I found visualising walling out really helped me do it in a previous relationship. It took me a while, but it worked for me.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Yes, it sucks that he had about 6 beers, but at least he was not belligerent.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sorry, I misunderstood and thought he was driving. I apologize for misreading.
Still, it WAS the same situation as when you had to leave him by the side of the road, right? He wasn't "belligerent" this time, but as you noted, that could change at any time. Being confined in a car with a drunk sounds like a pretty miserable way to end the evening, especially for someone in early sobriety.
Still, it WAS the same situation as when you had to leave him by the side of the road, right? He wasn't "belligerent" this time, but as you noted, that could change at any time. Being confined in a car with a drunk sounds like a pretty miserable way to end the evening, especially for someone in early sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,434
Take care of yourself JB and get your Plan B in order.
It appears to be going downhill fast to me as well--
In fact, it looks like he's only behaved as much as he has in anticipation of this trip, as
someone else said. His choice to be "not angry" may be a tactic he's using to get to this cruise.
I continue to wish you the best. Please be clear and honest with yourself
when reviewing this situation and how far things have slipped already.
It appears to be going downhill fast to me as well--
In fact, it looks like he's only behaved as much as he has in anticipation of this trip, as
someone else said. His choice to be "not angry" may be a tactic he's using to get to this cruise.
I continue to wish you the best. Please be clear and honest with yourself
when reviewing this situation and how far things have slipped already.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
Originally Posted by Carlotta
Why does it suck that he had 6 beers? He had a good time, did not drive and was not aggressive and you played blackjack and (hopefully) had a good time too at the casino.
But, yes, the other night technically did not suck. We both had a good time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Sorry, I misunderstood and thought he was driving. I apologize for misreading.
Still, it WAS the same situation as when you had to leave him by the side of the road, right? He wasn't "belligerent" this time, but as you noted, that could change at any time. Being confined in a car with a drunk sounds like a pretty miserable way to end the evening, especially for someone in early sobriety.
Still, it WAS the same situation as when you had to leave him by the side of the road, right? He wasn't "belligerent" this time, but as you noted, that could change at any time. Being confined in a car with a drunk sounds like a pretty miserable way to end the evening, especially for someone in early sobriety.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
Like I said, he became resentful and grumpy when he could not drink. He knows that he is playing with fire if he decides to drink too much and becomes belligerent, as I will leave the situation and go sleep at my parent's house if he becomes belligerent. This is my day to day plan.
I have been happy and content in my relationship in the past two months. But it can all turn for the worse at any time if he becomes belligerent. I have obviously not reached my breaking point at this time with everything going well.
I have been happy and content in my relationship in the past two months. But it can all turn for the worse at any time if he becomes belligerent. I have obviously not reached my breaking point at this time with everything going well.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
By the way, I forgot to mention in the original post that we ended up going to a second casino on the way home, as I wanted to play more blackjack.
When we got to the second casino, my husband asked if he could be at the bar while I played blackjack. I responded, "Sure," and then gave him $10 (it was better than him losing our money, LOL!) So for those of you who think I am VERY controlling over his drinking, please think again, LOL!!!
When we got to the second casino, my husband asked if he could be at the bar while I played blackjack. I responded, "Sure," and then gave him $10 (it was better than him losing our money, LOL!) So for those of you who think I am VERY controlling over his drinking, please think again, LOL!!!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Ladies and Gentlemen,
Please remember that if a thread or post gets you hot under the collar, it is always best to back away from the keyboard.
S
Please remember that if a thread or post gets you hot under the collar, it is always best to back away from the keyboard.
Do: Remember that you had to learn your own life lessons in your own time. Don't belittle or degrade or shame someone else. Many people here are already living in a toxic or abusive situation. They hear it enough at home. They don't need to hear it here as well
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
Originally Posted by Justbreathe1980
When we got to the second casino, my husband asked if he could be at the bar while I played blackjack. I responded, "Sure," and then gave him $10 (it was better than him losing our money, LOL!) So for those of you who think I am VERY controlling over his drinking, please think again, LOL!!!
Can you read this again, and then again, and see whether it really is making sense to you?
Can you share how you think this 'isn't controlling'?
As his parent, he asked your permission to the forbidden goody, you as the benevolent parent determine that yes, he could have a bit of forbidden goody, and gave him some money to purchase your pre-determined amount of goody....but no more....".
I had this EXACT scenario myself last night.
Except it was with the 6 year old wanting to purchase himself a lemonade from the drinks station at the restaurant we were at. It was a special treat, as I dont generally 'allow' my kids to drink soft drink. As my son is 6, and not employed, I also dont allow him access to the family coffers. He gets pocket money, and then occasionally a treat when I determine that a bit of a treat would be nice.
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