ladyscribbler

This exact situation came up for discussion at my last Alanon meeting. We had newcomers and were sharing all the crazy stuff we had done to try and control someone's drinking- pouring out booze, diluting it with water, only giving them a certain amount of money on a night out to keep the drinking in check.
It is controlling. Not criticizing you. I've done it. I was a regular puppetmaster. Tried to create every possible iteration of circumstances that would keep his drinking under control so he didn't get "belligerent." Like you said, he's playing with fire. Eventually "belligerent" became his default setting whenever he drank.
I played that game for five years, all it did was wear me out, and it did absolutely nothing to help him.
I admire the hard work you're doing on your own sobriety. Sorry I can't remember if you're doing Alanon or not? I've met quite a few people in Alanon who are also active in AA. It really has made a difference in not only my attitude but my life.
Glad things are OK with you. Take care.

suki44883

We all know (or should know) that everyone comes to recovery on their own timetable. All the advice and ESH that has been shared here is great and true, but if the recipient isn't ready to accept it, then it is currently falling on deaf ears. It's the same as with the addict themselves. Until they are truly ready to make progress in recovery, nothing anyone can say, no matter how true, will change anything.

I don't think it's beneficial to continually try to shove our message down someone's throat if they're not at a point where they can accept it. It's certainly not helpful to post our frustrations that the recipient isn't ready to do things our way.

They can't. Not until they are ready.

Soberintexas007

Him being belligerent has the potential to end it, yes. The cruise is in early March.

Soberintexas007

In a way, our relationship does often resemble a parent/child relationship. But it is currently working for the man I love. I would rather it be this way than him being physically abusive with me.

I often think this is why the relationship is still going. I have access to our funds, he doesn't, and he does not mind this. If he did have access, I may have a husband like many other husbands on this site who are drinking a lot during the day and coming home drunk. My AH simply does not have the funds to purchase liquor whenever he wants, and he is not the type to steal alcohol, either.

Soberintexas007

Yes, I am doing Al-Anon too.

Impurrfect

I truly wish you the best. I will also say (because I've been there, done that) that if things don't work out as you wish? We will be here for you.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Soberintexas007

And I appreciate all of the feedback I am getting on this site. Even if people get frustrated that I do not heed their advice or suggestions, it does not really bother me, as I accept that this is who this other person is.

This site has been very helpful in helping me cope with my current situation. I now have a plan and am communicating better with my AH. If other people don't mind watching their AH fall, then fine. But I am not willing to just let my AH fall. I will do whatever I can to the best of my ability without exhausting myself to help my husband, as I care deeply for him. If he eventually falls, then I know that I did the best that I could to help him.

This is a very touchy subject with no "right" or "wrong" answers. We all are different and probably have different breaking points with our AH or AW based on our own previous histories and personalities. I think the people who benefit most from this site are the people who don't take things personally and continue to read what others have to say, whether they agree or not.

MissFixit

The bold section is important to understand. You are further along in your AA program than your al anon program it seems. That's okay, but most of the AA stuff applies to al anon too, just differently.

I assume you have heard of the term "terminal uniqueness" in reference to an alcoholic believing their situation is different than everybody else's. The bolded part above is a codependent's version of terminal uniqueness. If you are unfamiliar with the term, I highly suggest reading about it. It is very helpful to be able to identify and acknowledge it when you experience it. Once you are able to "call yourself out on some stuff," you will begin to challenge yourself so you can stop repeating it.

zoso77

It appears, outside looking in, you don't have to encourage him. He'll do it on his own accord, and he'll continue to do it on his own accord indefinitely. Is this acceptable? Only you can answer that.

cynical one

I too apologize for assuming the booze was free. I've only been in casinos in maybe a 1/2 dozen states and all the ones I've been in as long as you were at a machine or table the drinks themselves are free. But, then you tip the server.

cookiesncream

I did want to say congrats to you on your OWN sobriety. I admit that being in a room full of drinkers when I could not participate would have been difficult particularly if my spouse was drinking. We all have our own paths to take and I'm certain that there are those that do not understand the choices we make. That said given the fact this has been a rather heated thread and I don't have anything to say that hasn't already been said... As a fellow human being your physical safety is front and center in the posts I've read of yours. I'd have a phone with emergency numbers very near my side at all times. The drinking and potential for physical abuse could turn on a dime and that is very worrysome indeed. Stay safe.

jarp

[QUOTE=Justbreathe1980;5167817]

If other people don't mind watching their AH fall, then fine. But I am not willing to just let my AH fall. I will do whatever I can to the best of my ability without exhausting myself to help my husband, as I care deeply for him. If he eventually falls, then I know that I did the best that I could to help him.

[QUOTE]



I'm glad that you are still reading and that you are finding the comments useful even if you dont agree with them. You are right, we all have our own paths.

But I wanted to comment on this. I 'let' my AH 'fall' and I can tell you, I minded very, very much. It was horrific to watch and horrendous to experience. I care for and love my RAH very, very much too.

But I had finally learned that my efforts to stop him were actually prolonging the inevitable, and preventing any potential there was for him to truly want to pursue sobriety.

He tells me that if I had continued along my path, he would never, ever have pursued treatment. That what got him there was him hitting his 'rock bottom'. All the time I was holding that cord, preventing him from feeling that bottom, I made the status quo TOO comfortable...and therefore he would have continued along his merry way until eventually he'd have hit bottom, but quite possibly taken me and the kids with him.

I kow you dont agree with this, and that is fine, but I wanted to clear up your misconception that those of us who choose another path do so easily - in fact we do this with heavy hearts indeed.

happybeingme

JB, I am a bit confused here. While I know your rule is no more than 2 beers and H had 6 you gave him the money for them and you didn't attempt to stop him. So, you really must have been ok with it. As you have explained before you control the money and I assume he doesn't get an allowance so any drinking he does is with your ok. All of this is fine. If you are both content with the dynamics of your relationship than where is the problem? I know you would prefer him to be completely abstinent but you two seem to have worked out a compromise you are both willing to live with.

You stated above you are like a parent and he the child, I know couples like this and they are perfectly happy. So, again I am just confused about where the problem actually is?

Jupiters

I apologize for any comment I may have made that came off as harsh.
I truly do hope you have a lovely cruise and that all goes well with that.

Refiner

Oh gosh JB, this is so sad. This isn't how a marriage/loving relationship is supposed to work. I really feel for you whether you know what you're in or not. I do wish you much happiness for your future. It could be so bright.

Santa

JB, you've received a lot of empathy and a lot of wise words in your time here in SR. Each of us has to forge our own path and you've done well not to be overly defensive and to keep thinking about what was said.

This, however, is an unenlightened statement, especially coming from you as a self-described recovering alcoholic.

I hope you don't give this attitude 20 years of your life going forward, as I did. Good luck.

CodeJob

This post really shocked me for some reason. You really gave him $10 and your OK to buy beer past his 2 drink limit that you set? Was this wise to implode your own boundary? Why were you at a place of entertainment that this sort of situation would likely occur? Then why would you visit a second one in the same night?

You really blithely wander where angels fear to tred JB.

LexieCat

I had to fall a few times before I got sober. Falling is what makes most of us realize we are in trouble. Some people have to fall harder than others.

Refiner

I really don't think boundaries have been set at all. Well, maybe one... and that's no alcohol in the apartment. But the two beer limit is not a boundary at all. It's a control/rule and blows in the wind. Just like it will do again during the cruise.

Katiekate

To be honest it is very difficult for me wrap my brain around the idea of an alcoholic in recovery telling another alcoholic how much and when they can drink.

You may not want to see your husband fall, but it looks like he is falling none the less, with you driving the bus.

This feels really tragic to me almost like a game.