m1k3

Just a little note here, this has been coming up a lot lately and I thought I would address something that just isn’t said in this forum that often.

Your alcoholic has the right to drink whether you like it or not.

As an adult they have the right to choose how they want to live their lives. Right now they are choosing to drink. To be honest it really isn’t your job to change them. Besides the fact that almost every one of us here got here because we thought we could change them, make them stop, love them into quitting with all the disastrous effects it had on our lives, it isn't our place to change them.

We simply don’t have the right to do that anymore than they have the right to change us and make us willing supporters, enablers or problem solvers for them.

You don’t have to cover for them, clean up after them, make their lives easier so that they can continue drinking but you don’t have the right to try and force them to change either.

Your friend,

Wisconsin

Mike, I saw that you posted this in another thread, and I meant to respond to it there and ended up being distracted by something shiny...

I think this is such an important thing for people to remember, and it was the single hardest thing for me to accept in my recovery. I fought so hard against accepting that my AH has as much of a right to drink whenever, wherever, and however he wants as I do to make myself pizza for dinner tonight. My feelings about his drinking are 100% irrelevant to the FACT of his drinking, and his RIGHT to do it. My feelings are entirely relevant, however, to whether and to what extent I am going to permit that behavior in MY daily life. He has a right to drink, and I have a right to say "I will not stay married to an actively drinking alcoholic." Took me a looooong time to distinguish between the two, but the distinction is a big part in getting past the part of me that always wanted to mother and control the situation, because I "knew better."

lillamy

Thank you for that always timely reminder, m1k3.

choublak

What if the A is put on probation with one of the conditions being, no drinking?

JustAGirl1971

Ok, and can I add (for myself primarily), your alcoholic also has the right to choose NOT TO WORK, or to work at a low paying job below his skill set, or to play video games all day, or sleep all day, or watch the tv all freaking day while drinking. It's his life, his choice.

JustAGirl1971

Still has the right. That right just might land him in jail, but that's still his choice, his right.

m1k3

Yes, he still has the right to drink and to suffer the consequences of his drinking.

My attitude would be, not my monkey, not my circus.

Your friend,

Katchie

While my alcoholic is free to choose that life, may he also know he chooses to do it alone without his family.

choublak

So...no prior restraint, only following consequences.

Wisconsin

Isn't that true for most, if not all, things? I mean, there isn't any real prior restraint on the most horrible things, is there? It's all based on wanting to avoid negative consequences, and/or acting according to some sort of moral/ethical/religious code. One would HOPE that probation conditions like "no drinking" would be enough motivation, but we all know we are not dealing with sane, rational people.

JustAGirl1971

Well, I guess the distinction would just be that it's not a legal right... but it's still not something that we would enforce. We are not the courts, nor are we his parent. If he doesn't have the legal right to drink due to probation, then presumably the courts are providing some type of monitoring system like soberlink, etc? If that's the case, then yes, he can still choose to break the law and face the consequences.

Kind of like my post above about not working. Yes, my STBXAH had the right not to work... but he also has the right to live in a box and beg for food when his landlord throws him out for not paying rent and he has no money left for food.

theuncertainty

Brings to mind the saying:

You are free to choose, but you are not free from the consequence of your choice.

JustAGirl1971

Yes, exactly. Thank you.

choublak

Another thing...it is their right to drink, and yet how often does the A ask their partner if it would be okay if they had a couple of drinks?

unsureoffuture

Boy this sounds familiar and still makes me go GRRRRRRRRRRRRR

suki44883

They don't have to ask and they shouldn't have to ask. We do not have the right to tell another person whether or not they can have a couple of drinks.

JustAGirl1971

Well, in my experience, what the A really means is: "I'm going to have a couple of drinks whether you like it or not, but I'm going to ask you so you'll either give me permission (which I can repeatedly remind you of when you bring up my drinking next time), or you can tell me NO, and I'll have an excuse to drink anyway because you are such an unreasonable b1tch"

honeypig

I have never heard this saying before, but I LIKE it! I think I will be turning it over and over in my head while I walk the dogs this afternoon....

m1k3

Let's flip this around. Does he have the right to try and change you to make you an accessory to his drinking?

choublak

Exactly, but they ask anyway.