AH Drank Over the 2 Beer Limit Yesterday
Sober since 10th April 2012
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Location: Perth, Western Australia
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Hi JB, once again I admire your ability to be open minded and not defensive while still following your own path. My feeling is that your path will eventually lead you away from your AH unless he gets serious treatment for underlying mental issues.
IMO the alcohol-induced loss of control, and the need to heavily medicate with weed are indications of deep-seated mental problems and he's only just hanging on.
You've decided to follow a healthy path now, and eventually it may diverge from his but only when you're ready.
Do you see a long term future with him, with children?
IMO the alcohol-induced loss of control, and the need to heavily medicate with weed are indications of deep-seated mental problems and he's only just hanging on.
You've decided to follow a healthy path now, and eventually it may diverge from his but only when you're ready.
Do you see a long term future with him, with children?
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Hawks, you're entitled to your opinion, but I'd be careful about declaring someone as an alcoholic or not an alcoholic. Sometimes, of course, there's no question, but you are making some pretty definite pronouncements, there, on VERY little information.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
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Originally Posted by FeelingGreat 
Hi JB, once again I admire your ability to be open minded and not defensive while still following your own path. My feeling is that your path will eventually lead you away from your AH unless he gets serious treatment for underlying mental issues.
IMO the alcohol-induced loss of control, and the need to heavily medicate with weed are indications of deep-seated mental problems and he's only just hanging on.
You've decided to follow a healthy path now, and eventually it may diverge from his but only when you're ready.
Do you see a long term future with him, with children?
IMO the alcohol-induced loss of control, and the need to heavily medicate with weed are indications of deep-seated mental problems and he's only just hanging on.
You've decided to follow a healthy path now, and eventually it may diverge from his but only when you're ready.
Do you see a long term future with him, with children?
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
Originally Posted by Hawks
Ok, so far it seems he is not alcoholic.
2 beers for a month or more is a good indication of that.
I think what is going on is residual anxiety, frustration and anger over what he went through with your drinking.
And it is bubbling away under the surface and comes out after a few too many beers.
The blow up with your Mum..... Not cool, but at the same time he may have experienced a lack of support from her around your drinking.
I think AlAl-anons program would be a good idea for him and AA's program good for you.
The principles of both are the same.
Patience, tolerance, love and kindness.
If both of you are living by those spiritual principles..... It's only a matter of time till things iron themselves out.
Besides that, if you continue to try and manipulate the situation and control him..... You'll end up getting back on the booze when it doesn't all work out how you think it should.
It's hypocritical to expect him to be a superstar of behaviour, when for a long time, you were not.
Show him the same patience and understanding and tolerance that he showed you through all your difficulties and drinking.
2 beers for a month or more is a good indication of that.
I think what is going on is residual anxiety, frustration and anger over what he went through with your drinking.
And it is bubbling away under the surface and comes out after a few too many beers.
The blow up with your Mum..... Not cool, but at the same time he may have experienced a lack of support from her around your drinking.
I think AlAl-anons program would be a good idea for him and AA's program good for you.
The principles of both are the same.
Patience, tolerance, love and kindness.
If both of you are living by those spiritual principles..... It's only a matter of time till things iron themselves out.
Besides that, if you continue to try and manipulate the situation and control him..... You'll end up getting back on the booze when it doesn't all work out how you think it should.
It's hypocritical to expect him to be a superstar of behaviour, when for a long time, you were not.
Show him the same patience and understanding and tolerance that he showed you through all your difficulties and drinking.
One of the reasons why I relapsed several months ago and started drinking again was because of my husband. When he started drinking a couple years ago, he has gotten into several heated verbal altercations with my mother when we lived with my parents. He went off on her one night after she stuck up for me when she heard him call me a derogatory name. I started to drink to numb my pain over the situation, and he wanted me to drink. My husband is supportive of my current sobriety, but he always wanted me to drink and party with him. And my mother never condoned my drinking when I relapsed several months ago.
My husband was arrested at our house on the 4th of July for getting belligerent with cops. When we went on a family trip in late July, my husband had no problem drinking while he was driving in the car. One of the reasons why I knew I had to stop drinking is b/c he was going to get a DUI, as I never drank and drove. But he was fine drinking and driving, but I was not and felt sorry for him if he got into trouble.
I think my husband would be drinking a lot more if it wasn't for my boundaries and his weed. He does have some control when he needs to, but the reality is that if he gets stressed out and is drinking excessively, he is likely to get in trouble with the law or me.
About two months ago when I still allowed drinking in the apartment and my husband was drinking about 3-6 beers daily after work, I was asleep and he came in one night and when I would not scratch his back, he told me that I could do nothing f------ right. I told him this was verbal abuse, and he began to drink more that night and further verbally berate me. He apologized in the morning, but I was scared b/c this showed me his anger when drinking was not just directed at my parents and mother, but now me since we were living together.
I do think my husband has a drinking problem, but, like I said, the following variables are keeping it under control at the moment: (1) My sobriety, (2)rule of no alcohol in the apartment or drinking during his work week, (3)trying to influence him to just keep to 2 beers on his off days.
The above factors, especially my own sobriety, have changed our entire family system. Things have calmed down for a bit. But, as everyone knows, eventually it may get out of control or there will be a time he drinks too much and becomes belligerent.
Like I said, I cannot determine if my husband is alcoholic or not. What I do know is that he has a drinking problem because he can get belligerent and verbally abusive if he is drinking and gets stressed out.
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By the way, I know I was an alcoholic because I could not stop once I started and would black out, etc.
But I know a lot of people who have more control and can stop, but they also get mean and/or argumentative and hostile when they start drinking. No one wants to be around these people when they are drinking.
Well, would the above people be classified as alcoholics or problem drinkers? Maybe "true" alcoholics are the ones who you see as being unable to stop once they start and blackout, pass out, etc. And "problem drinkers" are the ones who have more control than the other category, but still can get hostile, belligerent, or mean when they drink. But I do believe that these problem drinkers should not be drinking either because of how it affects their relationships.
But I know a lot of people who have more control and can stop, but they also get mean and/or argumentative and hostile when they start drinking. No one wants to be around these people when they are drinking.
Well, would the above people be classified as alcoholics or problem drinkers? Maybe "true" alcoholics are the ones who you see as being unable to stop once they start and blackout, pass out, etc. And "problem drinkers" are the ones who have more control than the other category, but still can get hostile, belligerent, or mean when they drink. But I do believe that these problem drinkers should not be drinking either because of how it affects their relationships.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
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He sounds pretty miserable. Anyone that needs to self medicate that much cannot be enjoying life. It makes me feel bad for both of you.
What I wonder is, what are your expectations? That is the trap that I always seem to find myself in. I want to have a future with my husband too but to what cost? If we accept our partners exactly as they are right now, that means that you should expect to be verbally and emotionally abused because that's what your husband does.
On the flip side of that is that you likely hope that he will change but he doesn't seem want to change a darn thing except for testing how much you'll tolerate (like the other parent/child analogies that were used earlier in your thread, my kids test the bajesus out of me. Mom said I can't run in the house but what if I try skipping instead. No yelling while Mom is on the phone? How about if I sing really, really loud instead?) You told him only 2 beers and he went full throttle and did at least 3 times that amount that you know about. What were his consequences? Nada. What's to stop him from drinking more tomorrow? What are your expectations of him and by extension of your marriage based on what his actions are showing you?
Just stuff to think about, not to actually answer here. Figuring out what to do with a relationship with alcoholic loved one is a slow process, especially when that loved one is your spouse.
Congrats on hitting 90 days of sobriety, btw!
What I wonder is, what are your expectations? That is the trap that I always seem to find myself in. I want to have a future with my husband too but to what cost? If we accept our partners exactly as they are right now, that means that you should expect to be verbally and emotionally abused because that's what your husband does.
On the flip side of that is that you likely hope that he will change but he doesn't seem want to change a darn thing except for testing how much you'll tolerate (like the other parent/child analogies that were used earlier in your thread, my kids test the bajesus out of me. Mom said I can't run in the house but what if I try skipping instead. No yelling while Mom is on the phone? How about if I sing really, really loud instead?) You told him only 2 beers and he went full throttle and did at least 3 times that amount that you know about. What were his consequences? Nada. What's to stop him from drinking more tomorrow? What are your expectations of him and by extension of your marriage based on what his actions are showing you?
Just stuff to think about, not to actually answer here. Figuring out what to do with a relationship with alcoholic loved one is a slow process, especially when that loved one is your spouse.
Congrats on hitting 90 days of sobriety, btw!
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Originally Posted by Justbreathe1980
True, but here is the question. Even though my husband was abusive in those threads, did I also play some part in the dramabecause I was drinking at the time and/or was newly sober???
Is it possible that my life with my husband is more manageable now with less drama because I have some sobriety behind my belt???
In other words, would all of that stuff had happened in the past if I had not began drinking again???
Is it possible that my life with my husband is more manageable now with less drama because I have some sobriety behind my belt???
In other words, would all of that stuff had happened in the past if I had not began drinking again???
First I should let you know that I also am here on SR for support as I have been affected by my husband's drinking. I myself am not an alcoholic and I do attend alanon (and just got a sponsor, yay!). Second, I too have been abused by my husband - physically but also emotionally, verbally, psychologically, financially. Posting here about any abuse either current or past is definitely a trigger for folks on here, who of course mean well and want to knock sense into us. It's gotten better and safer to share more recently, but I did want to gently point out something very important that you or anyone reading here should know:
You didn't cause the abuse.
Sure we can say we have "our part" - but he had his choices also, and it would be too easy to minimize that by saying well, if I just hadn't done x, or didn't say y. Because soon it didn't matter what I did, said, and then even didn't say - there was always a "reason" or excuse for the abuse, but to an outsider looking in, AH didn't have to say, shove me, break a glass against the door, punch holes in the walls, or do even worse to me.
I also point this out because, I may be wrong, but it appears you have not been abusive to him physically? The finances and the illusion of controlling his drinking are one thing sure, but "having a part in the drama" does not mean he must then respond by becoming abusive to you.
Hope this made sense because as I said, I don't post often. It really is admirable that you are keeping up with your own sobriety. I wish for you the strength to take some of the energy you put into "preventing him from falling" and put it into your own recovery. YOU DESERVE IT.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 31
Originally Posted by Justbreathe1980
If other people don't mind watching their AH fall, then fine. But I am not willing to just let my AH fall. I will do whatever I can to the best of my ability without exhausting myself to help my husband, as I care deeply for him. If he eventually falls, then I know that I did the best that I could to help him.
I gave EVERYTHING (including sacrificing my own needs) to my partner for 6.5 years. Did absolutely everything within my power to try and help him stop drinking, including but not limited to, rewards for not drinking, goal setting, supporting him if he relapsed, telling family/friends not to offer him drinks, being with him whenever he had a medical emergency due to alcohol, trying not to upset him, not bringing up the things he'd say to me whilst drunk and even forgiveness.
I did not let him fall. I did everything I possibly could to prevent it. And none of what I did mattered. It made absolutely no difference to how he behaved or how much he drank. I loved him without restraint and believed him to be my soul mate.
It was only after I started to get some therapy that I came to the realization that it didn't matter what I did. I would never be "the thing" that led to him abstaining from alcohol. Eventually I worked up the courage to leave him. I honestly hoped that would be his rock bottom and we would get back together. It wasn't, and we didn't.
I read your story, and it breaks my heart. Even if you don't think you are wearing yourself out with your attempts to control or limit his alcohol intake, YOU ACTUALLY ARE BEING WORN OUT (slowly perhaps, but nevertheless, still occurring). I can only hope you will see the light sooner rather than later. But again, it's your life and I believe by staying you are accepting that this is all you deserve.
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Originally Posted by Stung
He sounds pretty miserable. Anyone that needs to self medicate that much cannot be enjoying life. It makes me feel bad for both of you.
What I wonder is, what are your expectations? That is the trap that I always seem to find myself in. I want to have a future with my husband too but to what cost? If we accept our partners exactly as they are right now, that means that you should expect to be verbally and emotionally abused because that's what your husband does.
On the flip side of that is that you likely hope that he will change but he doesn't seem want to change a darn thing except for testing how much you'll tolerate (like the other parent/child analogies that were used earlier in your thread, my kids test the bajesus out of me. Mom said I can't run in the house but what if I try skipping instead. No yelling while Mom is on the phone? How about if I sing really, really loud instead?) You told him only 2 beers and he went full throttle and did at least 3 times that amount that you know about. What were his consequences? Nada. What's to stop him from drinking more tomorrow? What are your expectations of him and by extension of your marriage based on what his actions are showing you?
Just stuff to think about, not to actually answer here. Figuring out what to do with a relationship with alcoholic loved one is a slow process, especially when that loved one is your spouse.
Congrats on hitting 90 days of sobriety, btw!
What I wonder is, what are your expectations? That is the trap that I always seem to find myself in. I want to have a future with my husband too but to what cost? If we accept our partners exactly as they are right now, that means that you should expect to be verbally and emotionally abused because that's what your husband does.
On the flip side of that is that you likely hope that he will change but he doesn't seem want to change a darn thing except for testing how much you'll tolerate (like the other parent/child analogies that were used earlier in your thread, my kids test the bajesus out of me. Mom said I can't run in the house but what if I try skipping instead. No yelling while Mom is on the phone? How about if I sing really, really loud instead?) You told him only 2 beers and he went full throttle and did at least 3 times that amount that you know about. What were his consequences? Nada. What's to stop him from drinking more tomorrow? What are your expectations of him and by extension of your marriage based on what his actions are showing you?
Just stuff to think about, not to actually answer here. Figuring out what to do with a relationship with alcoholic loved one is a slow process, especially when that loved one is your spouse.
Congrats on hitting 90 days of sobriety, btw!
Right now, I am happy and content with my marriage. I have felt this contentment for the past two months. I think my ultimate boundary is him becoming belligerent. Right now, he has been being very nice and supportive of me. We will see how this turns out.
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Originally Posted by TonightTonight
Hi JB, I don't post often but I've been following your threads in the last several months, and felt pulled to call something out on your above thoughts.
First I should let you know that I also am here on SR for support as I have been affected by my husband's drinking. I myself am not an alcoholic and I do attend alanon (and just got a sponsor, yay!). Second, I too have been abused by my husband - physically but also emotionally, verbally, psychologically, financially. Posting here about any abuse either current or past is definitely a trigger for folks on here, who of course mean well and want to knock sense into us. It's gotten better and safer to share more recently, but I did want to gently point out something very important that you or anyone reading here should know:
You didn't cause the abuse.
Sure we can say we have "our part" - but he had his choices also, and it would be too easy to minimize that by saying well, if I just hadn't done x, or didn't say y. Because soon it didn't matter what I did, said, and then even didn't say - there was always a "reason" or excuse for the abuse, but to an outsider looking in, AH didn't have to say, shove me, break a glass against the door, punch holes in the walls, or do even worse to me.
I also point this out because, I may be wrong, but it appears you have not been abusive to him physically? The finances and the illusion of controlling his drinking are one thing sure, but "having a part in the drama" does not mean he must then respond by becoming abusive to you.
Hope this made sense because as I said, I don't post often. It really is admirable that you are keeping up with your own sobriety. I wish for you the strength to take some of the energy you put into "preventing him from falling" and put it into your own recovery. YOU DESERVE IT.
First I should let you know that I also am here on SR for support as I have been affected by my husband's drinking. I myself am not an alcoholic and I do attend alanon (and just got a sponsor, yay!). Second, I too have been abused by my husband - physically but also emotionally, verbally, psychologically, financially. Posting here about any abuse either current or past is definitely a trigger for folks on here, who of course mean well and want to knock sense into us. It's gotten better and safer to share more recently, but I did want to gently point out something very important that you or anyone reading here should know:
You didn't cause the abuse.
Sure we can say we have "our part" - but he had his choices also, and it would be too easy to minimize that by saying well, if I just hadn't done x, or didn't say y. Because soon it didn't matter what I did, said, and then even didn't say - there was always a "reason" or excuse for the abuse, but to an outsider looking in, AH didn't have to say, shove me, break a glass against the door, punch holes in the walls, or do even worse to me.
I also point this out because, I may be wrong, but it appears you have not been abusive to him physically? The finances and the illusion of controlling his drinking are one thing sure, but "having a part in the drama" does not mean he must then respond by becoming abusive to you.
Hope this made sense because as I said, I don't post often. It really is admirable that you are keeping up with your own sobriety. I wish for you the strength to take some of the energy you put into "preventing him from falling" and put it into your own recovery. YOU DESERVE IT.
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Originally Posted by MissBeth
I actually find this statement highly offensive. If you think anyone here "let" their alcoholic partner just "fall" you are very sadly mistaken.
I gave EVERYTHING (including sacrificing my own needs) to my partner for 6.5 years. Did absolutely everything within my power to try and help him stop drinking, including but not limited to, rewards for not drinking, goal setting, supporting him if he relapsed, telling family/friends not to offer him drinks, being with him whenever he had a medical emergency due to alcohol, trying not to upset him, not bringing up the things he'd say to me whilst drunk and even forgiveness.
I did not let him fall. I did everything I possibly could to prevent it. And none of what I did mattered. It made absolutely no difference to how he behaved or how much he drank. I loved him without restraint and believed him to be my soul mate.
It was only after I started to get some therapy that I came to the realization that it didn't matter what I did. I would never be "the thing" that led to him abstaining from alcohol. Eventually I worked up the courage to leave him. I honestly hoped that would be his rock bottom and we would get back together. It wasn't, and we didn't.
I read your story, and it breaks my heart. Even if you don't think you are wearing yourself out with your attempts to control or limit his alcohol intake, YOU ACTUALLY ARE BEING WORN OUT (slowly perhaps, but nevertheless, still occurring). I can only hope you will see the light sooner rather than later. But again, it's your life and I believe by staying you are accepting that this is all you deserve.
I gave EVERYTHING (including sacrificing my own needs) to my partner for 6.5 years. Did absolutely everything within my power to try and help him stop drinking, including but not limited to, rewards for not drinking, goal setting, supporting him if he relapsed, telling family/friends not to offer him drinks, being with him whenever he had a medical emergency due to alcohol, trying not to upset him, not bringing up the things he'd say to me whilst drunk and even forgiveness.
I did not let him fall. I did everything I possibly could to prevent it. And none of what I did mattered. It made absolutely no difference to how he behaved or how much he drank. I loved him without restraint and believed him to be my soul mate.
It was only after I started to get some therapy that I came to the realization that it didn't matter what I did. I would never be "the thing" that led to him abstaining from alcohol. Eventually I worked up the courage to leave him. I honestly hoped that would be his rock bottom and we would get back together. It wasn't, and we didn't.
I read your story, and it breaks my heart. Even if you don't think you are wearing yourself out with your attempts to control or limit his alcohol intake, YOU ACTUALLY ARE BEING WORN OUT (slowly perhaps, but nevertheless, still occurring). I can only hope you will see the light sooner rather than later. But again, it's your life and I believe by staying you are accepting that this is all you deserve.
But I have had several posts suggesting that I give my husband over to my Higher Power and let him fall and stop trying to "save" and help him. I have no problem with these posts and appreciate the suggestions. I merely stated that it is fine with me if other people are choosing or have chosen to let their husbands fall. That is their right, and I do not judge them. But I am being honest with everyone and letting you all know that I am unwilling to let my husband at this time hit his bottom and fall. I say this nicely, but if you take offense to what I said above and in the original quote, then I think you should reflect on that discomfort you are feeling and discover what your part in the resentment is.
I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my post.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
Hawks, you're entitled to your opinion, but I'd be careful about declaring someone as an alcoholic or not an alcoholic. Sometimes, of course, there's no question, but you are making some pretty definite pronouncements, there, on VERY little information.
Reading and research.
The knowledge on how to define a badly behaved person / drinker from a real alcoholic has been around for decades.
No matter, I'm out on this one.
Toodle pip and good luck JB.
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Justbreathe, if you find that your situation works for you, then that is the most important thing. Congratulations, again, on your 90 days!!!
By now I think everyone has been able to have their say, and it's time to move along. This thread is now closed.
By now I think everyone has been able to have their say, and it's time to move along. This thread is now closed.
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