DoubleDragons

I am so very sorry for your loss. Love and prayers . . .

tigerlily1

So very sorry to hear of your loss! Know that many of us here are thinking of you and praying for you.

Sikofit

So sorry. You were such a good daughter to her--you cared so much. I know what it's like to lose a mother. Prayers.

searching peace

Spaulding, I'm so very sorry for your loss. You were a wonderful, compassionate, and caring daughter. And I know if your mom had been in her right frame of mind, she would have thanked you for you caring for her and your unselfishness. I am a mom, and I would be proud and honored to have my children treat me with the kindness you showed your mom. She knows you loved her. And now she is in a better place, pain free. I'm so sorry you had to go through this. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Sotiredofitall

So very sorry for your loss. You have been a wonderful daughter and friend to your mom, despite what she may have said to the contrary. Her disease kept her from seeing the reality of who you have been. Big hugs to you and prayers being sent your way.

hopeful4

Oh sweetie, I have been sick and have not been on. I am just reading this. I am so very sorry. Spalding, you have been an amazing daughter. You have went above and beyond. Your mom passed knowing that you loved her with your whole heart. That much is obvious to anyone.

My heart is with you my sweet girl.

Spalding

Thank you everyone. You've all been such a support to me. I cant even express it. And you're all right. I'm going to need the support. There's a lot that I'm going to be mulling over, and it's going to be really hard. It already is.
I'm at the point where I know I need to let go of what I thought I should have done otherwise, of my regrets; but it's different in knowing and feeling.

It's all been so complicated. And it's going to continue to be. And I'm tired of complicated. I'm tired of regret. And I regret. I know I shouldnt, but I do. I do.

What I take solace in is that we are doing it right for her. We made sure she had her Leafs jersey on, and her comfy pajamas. A pack of smokes. A picture of her and my sister and me. Her lipgloss. My sister actually put it on her for her, cause she had to have her lipgloss, right up until the end. Her fuzzy socks and a pair of slippers too.

We're going to make her garden right. That was the other thing she loved most, was her garden. She always took pride in it. We're going to make it right for her.

It's going to be a long road. But, I know I'm not alone. Thank you for that.

LexieCat

I'm so glad you have your sister there for right now. Yes, it will be complicated for a little while. But eventually things will settle down. Did your mom have a will? There will be legal things to take care of at some point--I'm just wondering whether that will be your responsibility or whether there is someone else who will take care of winding up her affairs?

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. It will all get accomplished. Just keep reaching out to us as you need to.

Hugs! It sounds like you did a great job of comforting your mom at the end.

Spalding

Nope, no will. We're going to have to tackle all the legal stuff soon. She had a lawyer she trusted, and we will be going with him.

It's been weird the last few days. I haven't felt much. Like, I feel normal. Occasionally teary when I talk about it. And I don't like that I feel like I don't care. It's weird! I know in my head that I wont be seeing her ever again, but it causes me no reaction. I don't get it.
I know in my head it's probably the denial thing. But. I'm afraid it's not, it scares me that it could not be?

And now my sister's getting angry that I knew our mum was sick for so long and didn't say anything. That she had been diagnosed with cirrhosis 4 years earlier. This is going to be hard.

lillamy

Spalding, I'm really sorry for your loss. I recently lost my father, and the only thing I can tell you about grieving a parent is that it is unpredictable and goes in waves, and that anything you are feeling is OK. Just let yourself feel it. It is unreal. I could sit and look at the empty spot at the kitchen table and know he was gone and yet totally expect him to walk in at any moment.

Your sister's anger is also normal in grieving. It will pass.

I do hope you have support around you because you will need it. And I'm glad to know that you were there with her and that she knew she was loved and cared for to the very end.

jjj111

When my father died after months of being critically ill due to his drinking, I have to admit, I felt a little relieved. I think I felt guilty about it at the time, but it was agonizing watching him decline and exhausting visiting him periodically, and it was just honestly kind of a weight off my shoulders. I think I had also spent so much time feeling sad and angry and scared before he died that I was just kind of worn out emotionally by the time he finally passed away. Anyway, I guess this is just to second lillamy that it's normal to feel a whole range of emotions. You'll almost certainly have bouts of negative emotions, so don't beat yourself up for the times when you feel OK or even happy, or not much at all. And the deaths of my parents really caused some issues between my siblings and I. We took our grief out on each other, and we bickered about who would deal with the estate. It really isn't your fault that your sister didn't know. She is probably feeling guilty that she didn't spend more time with your Mom and it's just easier to take it out on you. Hopefully it will pass with time.

chicory

((Spalding))

I think when our emotions go through such a battering, as yours have, we go numb inside. I know when my RA mom died, I went through the motions, but could not properly grieve like I thought I should. I was so tired of all the feelings that came up where she was concerned. It took me a long time to process that she was gone..that we had never had the kind of love that a mom and daughter should have. I loved her, and felt such an emptiness, and just numb . Its really hard to process losing a parent in the most normal circumstances.
I had to come to accept that she had been ill, all of her life, with depression, denial, alcoholism, and abuse of pills, and that it was ok to be angry about that. And for my peace of mind, I had to forgive her, and remember the good things.

How beautiful that you are doing it right for her. Her favorite things, her garden.

My moms face appeared to me, shortly after she died, in a dream. She was beautiful, peaceful, and seemed so healthy. My sister had the same dream, during the same week. Your mom is free from her pain.

You were a good daughter and strong, and someone your mom would be proud of, had she not been tormented by her disease. I am so sorry, as I know its so sad and hard to accept.
take care.
chicory

LexieCat

Yeah, I think it's very important that you not feel guilty if a little part of you feels some relief. She was REALLY hard to deal with, and you coped really well, but it had to be exhausting for you. And don't forget, too, you were grieving her when she was still alive--you were grieving the mom you didn't have anymore, once the alcoholism and whatever else might have been going on with her took over. So your grief might not look the same as someone's grief who had a healthy parent, with whom they had a normal relationship, pass away suddenly. It isn't that you don't care, it's just that you've already gone through some of that journey.

Spalding

Yeah, it's just going to have to be that I try and accept my feelings, or lackthereof. It's just so strange going about my day and not feeling the loss. It's so weird to say that she died that day. She's gone. I saw it happen. She's actually gone.

It also feels really distant. I can remember what happened. I can still kinda see it. But it feels so far away. It's hard to believe a week ago I was at the hospital helping in the bathroom and having a laugh at her commenting on the food. And then she's gone.

It's also weird talking so freely about it. I need to, in some ways. I need to express how weird it was, and my conflicted emotions about how our relationship ended and on what note. But I still feel the fear that I'm trashing her/her memory, or that I'm betraying her. I dont want to speak ill of the dead, but I also need to acknowledge what went on and my feelings.

It's all just so weird.

jjj111

It sounds from what you've shared over the course of your thread that your Mom worried a lot about what you said about her to whom. So it makes sense to me that you're still worrying about that. Even after their death, our parents continue to shape who we are. It took me a long time to accept that I didn't have to worry anymore about what my Dad thought about me. I remember once in therapy talking to my therapist about one of my parents, I don't remember the details, but I remember that I was whispering and didn't even realize it until she pointed it out to me. That was how powerfully I'd absorbed the rule in my family to keep secrets, that I could be alone with my therapist in a private room and still be whispering. And I remember, too, that feeling that it was so hard to believe that my parents were really gone. You may still be in shock. Shock can be a blessing in the aftermath of such a big loss. Reality will probably hit you slowly. One thing that really helped me in the months after my father's death was having school to concentrate on. Are you still planning to go to school?

hopeful4

Spalding, I think a part of you has been grieving your mom for a long time. Goodness knows, you have went through so much more than any of us, or your sister, can understand. Please don't guilt yourself or let your sister guilt you. Your mom was a difficult person. You were dealing with her the best you could, and that is enough. You loved her, she knew it. I agree you may be in shock. I hope you go to a grief sharing group, I think that may really help you.

Tight hugs dear girl. We are here with you, always.

theuncertainty

I'm so sorry, Spalding. Sending hugs and wishing you and your family peace and continued strength.

Spalding

Thanks for your thoughts guys. I think you're right in that it will just take time and some work to get out of my own habits of worry with regards to what my mum would think about things.

What also helped was the way my counsellor framed the fact that she passed when she did. I have been feeling like I had done everything too late; but she framed it as my mum held on long enough for me to be in as best a place as I could be. If I hadn't done the work of sorting out my guilt, fears and started to split my time between my mum and dad's before she passed, I would have been in a MUCH worse position.
So framing it as her holding on long enough, instead of me being too late helps.

It's just painful. To know she will never get to see me be my own independent person. Or be that loving grandma I knew she would be.
It's just awful that she died so young. 53. It's horrible.
I hate that she is missing out on all those things. And I hate that I am missing out on sharing them with my mum.
It's just so unfair.

LexieCat

I know. I lost my mom when she was about the same age as yours. She got to see my first son but my second was born after she died. And she would have been a super fun grandma.

Life isn't "fair." I think you have a terrific counselor, though. And who's to say your mom ISN'T somewhere she can see you and what you are becoming? And from a perspective, untainted by alcohol, that allows her to see clearly and to know what a loving daughter she raised? Something she was unable to see while she was here.

I don't know what comes after death, but if there is something, she knows.

jjj111

I really like the way your counselor framed it. It completely makes sense to me that on some level your Mom knew that you needed to start developing some independence and hung on to see that happen. I think it's so, so great that you got some perspective on her and your relationship before she died. But man, I sure do know how you feel about not having a mother around for important stuff. My father died when I was in my late 20s, and my mother died when I was 38, so they have both missed a lot. And I think of them when big things happen, and wish they were there. I feel jealous sometimes of people my age who still have healthy, involved parents. It's not easy. But you're not alone. Hopefully you will have more energy in the months and years to come to bond with your Dad and your sister.